Soooo...today is the day six years ago that my husband married me even though he had grave doubts that I was 'the one' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

It is the first anniversary since my separation, the 2nd since my husband told me he wanted a divorce and the 3rd since d-day (had learned of affair a couple months before that anniversary). I've been doing this too long and frankly, I'm glad it's almost over. This may sound like a very bitter statement but it is not--I truly wish I had never met my husband. I feel that I have lost so much compared to what I have gained from this relationship. Before I met him I was independent and on my way to making a terrific life for myself. You may ask me...but what about the changes you've made--you may not have made them were it not for marrying him. Ah...but see, that's the kicker. The changes I'm making now are simply getting back to the way I used to be. Well, I take that back a little. The one thing I *have* learned is to not take things for granted and that things that are precious should be treated as such. But I'm also thinking that's something I could've learned without going through all of this pain. All I know is that it is so friggin' frustrating for the one you love to tell you they *do* love you, have fun with you, have great sex, etc etc...but then refuse to work on the problems you do have. Does that make any sense to you? Doesn't to me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I am in an okay place right now. Sometimes I *do* get bitter about wasted time and the opportunities that will no longer be available to me because of the way my situation went. Not necessarily bitter to my husband, as I made my own choices and could've chosen different paths several times along the way. I'm a little scared about the future...will I have enough money? Will I be lonely the rest of my life? Do I have anything to offer someone..or is there just something about me that makes me unlovable after awhile (after two divorces, you *do* tend to question yourself on that). And yet overall....I am still an optimist. Lord knows why since I've had quite a few hardknocks in my life, but I always believe that things will turn out okay. While I'm very sad about the impending divorce and am starting to get little panic attacks about it...I do feel better now than I did a year ago. I still think of my husband constantly, but it doesn't twist in my gut like it once did. I got to the point quite awhile ago where I was fighting for the marriage only because it was the right thing to do--not neccessarily because I wanted to. That is an okay place to get divorced from. I'm not in love with my husband anymore. Do I still love him? Hmm..I don't even know if I feel any kind of love for him. If he came to me tomorrow and *did* all the right things...I know I *could* love him again, but I do not right now. I think most of my hurt right now is coming from my injured ego.

Since I cannot take back meeting or marrying my husband, there is one thing that's been on my mind lately. I miss our friendship so much. I have never had a friend quite like my husband--ever--in my entire life. Some of you know I'm a little strange in some ways...my husband understood and liked that about me. He was strange in the same ways. It takes me a lonnnggg time to get close to people..so when I do...it's hard to let go of that friend. I kind of regret plan B because I knew it would do nothing for my marriage at all. In fact in terms of my marriage, it put the nail in the coffin but I knew that would be the case when I went into it. It did serve it's purpose for me..allowed me to step away from the flip-flopping. but in the meantime, i lost a wonderful friend (what I will say here is that I understand he was not being a good friend to me...but if I give him Tom-husband, Tom-friend...different identities...the friend identity *was* still a good friend).

I am debating shelving "Plan B" and resuming limited contact with my husband. It has to be limited because I frankly don't want to hear about how wonderful his girlfriend is. And also, I do not know if I can be friends with him without some part of me always wanting to get back together. Before I can be friends with him, I have to make 100% positive that a small part of me will not always be pining after him and trying to "impress" him, etc. I do not know if I've healed enough to do this. I'm fairly positive that my husband is done flip-flopping so I don't think that would be a problem anymore. The flip side of this is my mother inlaw confided to me that my husband is really torn up about losing our friendship and really misses that. However he *does* have a girlfriend now. A fairly serious one from what I can tell. She may not like it if my husband and I started talking again. Do I care? Um...very hard question. If I truly want to be just friends with my husband, then I do not wish to interfere with any relationships he has. It's very possible that my husband, even if he wanted to be friends with me, would choose not to resume the friendship due to his girlfriend...or if he did, and she got angry, and then he told me he couldn't be friends with me...well that would hurt no matter how I feel about him.

I'm torn here. Part of me says to leave well enough alone. Another part of me understands that my husband was a very unique friend even without the marriage and to lose that would be a shame..and I miss it. By not talking with him, am I cutting off my nose to spite my face? And if I resume talking with him...is that just wandering down a path that is going to lead to more pain?

Ahhh...thoughts, MBers? If I do resume the friendship, how do I extend that olive branch from my Plan B? How do I make sure I protect myself from getting hurt again? How do I know I'm ready for something like this? Should I just leave things the way they are?

I would stick with Plan B and move on without him. No matter what you think, he is NOT a friend. I feel the same way about my WH - we were great friends, but no more.

As far as being divorced twice, I would look at the way you are choosing your men. It might be something to work on. You are beautiful, and interesting. You will do just fine.

I think that, overall, plan B has made it possible for you to be in maybe a bit less pain. I don't think you should try to have a friendship with him. I think that dropping the plan B and having whatever contact with him may set yourself up for reliving some of the pain and that it is not worth it.

You make new friends and build from there. Trying to keep him as a friend will only hinder you as find yourself available again for another relationship. That new person would probably not appreciate your former H being in your life anymore than his GF would like your contact with your then FH.

Protect yourself, stay in Plan B. Maybe you can be friends again at some date but there's got to be a lot more water under the bridge before then.

I think we all miss our WS. I miss talking to mine even if all he gave me was a grunt. I felt like I had some backup with the kids. There was the, perhap illusion, of family.

Stay dark. Don't let the anniversary trigger you. You will only open yourself up for more heartache. I can't rememeber if you are actually D-ed. If you are and XH has a serious GF, is it fair to her for you to pop up into his life again? Go for closure and move on.

grapegirl, no, we are not divorced yet. He had been counseling with SH until he met this girl then decided he was done...freaked out when i told him we shouldn't talk for awhile (this was not my plan B..it was a mini-break)...I do not blame this relationship with his girlfriend for our break-up but I will say that we had been working on things until he met her.

I do know that you're all right...it's just hard..especially when one does not make friends easily, to give up the friends that you do have...even if their treatment of you has not been exactly stellar.

Aislinn,

Please, please stay in Plan B. You can't be friends with him.

I thought I could be friends with my XSO and dropped Plan B for that friendship. Well I fell completely back in love with him.

And now the pain I feel is worst than last time. It is almost unbareable. I feel like my soul has been ripped open and shred to pieces.

It is worst this time because I have lost all hope, all faith. I just can't describe what I feel. It is very bad though.

Stay in Plan B, you need to protect your heart from him for a long, long time. Maybe forever.

Thank you, weaver. I did read your post regarding questioning his motives. I'm sorry that you're in the place that you are right now.

I have to say that it *is* nice not being able to picture kissing my husband...I can't picture us being happy again...I guess that's a good thing.

Believer, you know..I've thought about that a lot. My first husband was definitely a bad choice and I knew that at the time. I was 17 and pregnant...My second husband...I've questioned my judgement over and over again..but even my parents..who are extremely protective of me..thought the world of my husband...thought I had really found something great and were very happy for me...they really did think very highly of him...lol..he even asked their permission to marry me. So I'm not sure that my judgement is really that bad. Every dating relationship I've ever had between husbands was always very good...never any bad situations...so I don't know. Maybe I just got unlucky twice...and did not step up to the plate enough when it was time to get through the bad stuff...

Trix...**hugs**..hope you're doing well. And I think you're right in all you've said.

Well, happy anniversary...

I just found out he's engaged.

He met her less than 4 months ago...we're still married. The day after he met her, he was crying because I asked him not to call me for awhile.

And now he's engaged....

All I can say is.... WOW

You really have to question the woman here as well. Why on earth would you get engaged to someone who is already married. Crappy sorry news, but just maybe what you need to hear in order for you to move on (even though you really don't want to). Thinking of you.

Just want to reiterate something I feel very strongly about. At times like this you might feel 'bad' about yourself. But this infidelity business happens right across the board. Gorgeous hollywood stars with looks and money find themselves exactly where we are. You would imagine that people who 'have it all' would just be thankful. There really is no rhyme or reason Maddy - it is not your fault.

Hi...thanks of your words of advice on my recent d-day anniversary thread. I am actually feeling better right now because "making a connection" with another man has allowed me to realize that I am at least making strides in the right direction. God, I may now have a boyfriend to develop a new relationship with....weird, yet exciting too.

I totally understand your dilemna as I also miss the friendship I had with WH and it continues to be hard to fathom a life completely without him after investing 5 years of my life and a marriage bond with him. People keep telling me his reaching out to me at this point is a mere result of him "needing" me with his quest to become a cop. I don't want to believe it but if I think back as to how he has treated me, I guess it makes sense.

WH did drop by yesterday and made some small talk, saying I looked good, that he was impressed how fast I was running, and also asking about what was going on in my life. For the first time in a long time, I was able to hold my composure and I had told him that there was no way I could be a friend as long as he continues a relationship with OW, who contributed to the destruction of our marraige/friendship ties. The conversation was pretty much like...so you are running super fast..."uh huh"....so you look good...."uh huh". He did talk about what he didn't want me to say to his background investigator go figure....I just said that it wasn't my position to disclose what was going on between us unless a direct question was asked. I didn't pry into anything that was going on with OW and him because quite frankly, I don't think I wanna know if they are engaged...I didn't even think it was legal to propose while still married? That is f*cked up....sorry, but this OW is just an escape for your WH much like my WH's OW is an escape for him.

I find it kind of funny that WH looks to me for emotional support as he strives to become a cop when he is living with OW. I guess he has a companion to have sex with and that's about it. It will be interesting to see what happens when he starts the police academy and is no longer interested in getting drunk cuz he wants to study and succeed as a cop. His young GF may not be able to handle that, may not be capable of providing him the emotional support that I provided him for 3 years of our marriage while he worked towards a career in firefighting. The only problem is that if I am starting a new relationship with a man who truly cherishes me, I will be focusing on giving my emotional support and affection to him, not an x-husband who treated me like dirt.

Keep your chin high...things will get better. I think you may benefit from getting involved with any group with common interests. When I moved out to Cali from the midwest, I didn't know anyone and then I met WH and all his friends. This bomb being dropped has obviously isolated me from this life I have known so well this past 5 years and also forced me out of the house as means to meet new people. Surrounding myself around friends and the running community has been amazingly helpful and is actually where I met this guy with whom I made a connection with on Saturday. And I have to admit, positive feedback to how I look or how I am performing or my work as a nutritionist are all big boosts to my self confidence right now!!! I saw your pix and you are gorgeous and I am sure there are many men out there who would absolutely love to meet you.

Anyways, know that these obstacles you have overcome have made you one helluva strong woman who is guaranteed to experience many smiles in the future. This scary "unknown" territory we find ourselves in will soon enough turn into a lifetime of excitement with a man who will truly cherishes everything about us....believe this!

Cheers,

Muels

Maddy, I just read this. I am so sorry. Are you ok?