After months of dithering, I have emailed for an appointment with SH or whomever I get. This is an enormous step for me. It has been one month since I've seen or talked to my WH. I've been planning on going into Plan B after DS's graduation next week.

Last night, with my old friend, Four-in-the-morning, I was tossing around what I need to do. Analytical person that I am, I decided I needed more data. More information. More help. Not that this forum hasn't been supportive and informative. God bless you but can you say, professional help? Some of it is the feeling that before I can be at rest, I need to do everything I can. I've felt the need for more counseling but have been afraid of running into another biazed, non-MB therapist. I come from stoic, deal-with-it-yourself, therapy-is-for-sissies kind of people. Opening up is hard.

I'm looking for the marriage counseling aspects but am desperate for some insight into my WH's head. The affair thing is, of course hard. But his virtual abandonment of me, his children, his parents is more than hard. I need...I don't know...advice? a touchstone? validation?

So, can anyone give me some advice on how to maximize my sessions? Can anyone who knows my sitch and has done phone counseling recommend someone from the MB group or does it work that way. My insurance has behavioral health benefits and I'm going to call to see what they cover. Even an out-of-network visit might be covered by 50%

I can't say how long I've wrestled with this decision. I'm glad it's started. I'd appreciate advice or comments about the MB counseling process. Thanks.

DITTO, ANDREW on Steve Harley being a lifesaver and a genius! Best counselor I have had and I have had several.

Not covered by health insurance though. I faithfully pay the credit card payments each month. Money well spent. Much cheaper than a divorce or my poor emotional health if a divorce was necessary is how I rationalized this

I found it helpful to take notes during the sessions. I continue to refer back to those notes.

Thanks! My return email was from Laurie. Does that mean she'd be my counselor or do I get to choose?

All day yesterday, I had the feeling that this was the step that I needed to take. I just need another voice. MB folk seem to be able to read these WS like a book. I suppose it's almost too easy for them since all WS seem to act alike. I don't want to start Plan B without talking to them.

I love the idea of being able to send MB a synopsis of what's going on and a list of questions before the session. It seems like so much time is wasted bring a counselor up to date.

I'm going to call and confirm the appointment after I get my DD off to school. Yeh! It's the last Monday of the school year.

More than a BABY STEP, GRAPE.....

Laurie makes the appointments. I suspect your session will be with Steve. If your appointment is not with him, I would recommend calling and asking for him. He is wonderful!!

Let us know about the session if you feel comfortable with that. For me, it's a helpful learning experience to hear what Steve has to say about MBing in different situations.

Thanks and Best Wishes to you!!

I just called. I have an appointment with Steve tomorrow morning. I sent a short email detailing the situation. Basically, names, ages, years married, kids. A small bit about the affair, personalities and exposure.

One of the very sad things is that WH has been gone for almost 6 months now and NOBODY HAS MISSED HIM! Yeah, we do but nobody in the neighborhood has noticed or asked.

Deep breath...later this morning, when the sun is up, I have my first appointment with Steve H. I'm feeling anxious? relieved? hopeful? In the month that I haven't seen WH, I've been more centered and serene. However, I keep having this nagging feeling that there is a piece of the puzzle that I'm missing. That there has to be a key to the door in the wall that locks in WH. Maybe that's too simplified or idealistic. Maybe the analytical part of me thinks there has to be an answer to even this. Maybe there is no answer but that is a type of closure, too.

I've thought about doing phone counseling for months. Since I'm going to have a lot of contact (or more realistically, just contact) with WH this week during the graduation, it comes at a good time. It IS a big chunk of change but if I'm actually getting decent advice, it will be well worth it. A little insight would be good. Some new tactics. Maybe, I'll be able to get WH to do a session. If nothing else, I will know that it is one more thing I've tried to keep my marriage together. Could I rest easy knowing that I hadn't tried it?

My old friend, 4 a.m. and I are together right now. The poochies woke me up when the milkman came by. (Yes, where I live there is still home milk delivery.) Once awake, my mind started twirling. For once, it was a good thing because I remembered that I needed to do my love buster inventory before my appointment. I've done it and am also almost finished with my cup of chamomile tea.

I'll let you know how the session turns out.

WONDERFUL, GRAPE!!

Sounds like you are on the right track.

I'm looking forward to hearing about your session.

grapegirl,

yes yes, let us know!! I am thinking of calling for an appt. also.

I feel like that TOO. A piece of the puzzle is missing...DONCHA HATE that?!

You go grapegirl! rotsaruck

jls

oh and I am very close with one-oclock-in-the-morning, 4's younger sibling!

grapegirl,
please let us know how your session went. I think I am going to make an appointment as well.

Since our MC (now IC) doesn't really seem to have a plan to offer us to save our marriage, I think that I am going to give a session with SH a shot as well. Expensive, but hopefully worth it.

Grapegirl, I hope your session went today. My d-day was March 04...I tried for two months to handle it by myself...I finally told a friend...and she told me to tell my sister....support group...that helped....tried some more....and then finally in June....I made an appt. with SH.

That first appt.....I tried to be calm, but I held too much in for too long. SH listened attentively and helped on the first session. Through our sessions, I have taken a ton of notes and refer back to them constantly. The notes help me now as H and I are in recovery.

Hope it went well....the money is an investment in your sanity. God bless, Grape.

Well, it was an expensive but beneficial hour. I took a lot of pages of notes. I think it's good to do this after you are past your most emotional stage. A few months ago, I would have spent the whole time crying. My impressions:

I called at 10:30 on the dot and the phone was promptly answered by Steve. He has a friendly, no-nonsense voice. He keeps you on task but doesn't rush you. I didn't feel like the clock was ticking. 50 minutes is actually a long time to talk on the phone. I also didn't feel like he shut me off to go to the next session. That was nice. With my last counselor, I felt like just as we started making progress, the session ended and we were rushed out. Since WS are all pretty much alike, Steve starts with the basic line. While it good, I think it takes a while to get the individual nuances of the situation. Like someone noted, the first session was primarily for information gathering.

This is going to be a tough weekend for me with graduation looming. We talked about a strategy to help me. We are not focusing on OW but rather on what happened with the marriage. His Needs/Her Needs features prominently in the strategy. It's about getting him to think about EN without really trying. Steve says that WH is completely unable and unwilling to fill out any questionaires at this time.

Steve helped me to understand about addiction. It's clear that part of WH's personality is to avoid and not explain himself. Perhaps part is a feeling that he's dug a pit that he can't get out of. I have to acknowledge his desire to be happy and also avoid conflict. That depression is probably the primary problem. The rest falls into line behind it. Wh wants to be my best friend.

Steve says that right now I'm in a "prePlan B". It's not formal. There's been no letter but I'm still reaping the peace and serenity of it. Steve was really concerned about the way WH has cut off his kids. He feels this is very, very bad.

I asked if this weekend, should I treat him as a member of the family or a guest? His answer was that my job is to protect my kids. That I need to be aware of any action of WH that is effecting my kids and calmly explain to him the ramifications of it. Right there, at the time it is happening. Also, that I should encourage my kids to let him know what they think of him and his actions. That I need to remain strong and not give the message that I accept what WH is doing. That WH needs to be aware of cause and effect. (That's alot of that-ing.)

So, zat's it. Steve was very kind. Asked about my energy level and concentration. It must be difficult to deal with this crap every hour. I suppose the success stories make it worthwhile. I hope Steve has the best marriage in the world. I'm going to do my end of the strategy and see what happens for a week or so. Then Steve would like to have another chat. If things aren't moving, he'd like to include WH in on a session. I think that getting WH to a session is vital. At that point, I'll be out about the same amount of $ as 1 hour of a good divorce lawyer. If things aren't progressing by then, Steve thinks I may need to go into a real Plan B.

For a first session, I'd say it was good. I think it's going to take a couple more before I know what's going on. The big thing is that now I know that I have tried it. I feel better having some insight and a kind of action to take. I hate dithering. It's so different going to a MC who wants to keep you together.

thanks for the update grapegirl!! and good luck this week

jls

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Sounds like you got some great insight.

LM

Believe it or not, I would ponder to guess that Steve is not very affected too much by hearing the sadness day in and day out (granted I am not going to call him at $3.00/minute and ask him personally to confirm this <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />. ) You can learn to "comparmentalize" this stuff when you deal with it every day...In fact, you have to. He wouldn't be as effective as he is if he let the sadness of the people he tries to help affect him. You would be very suprised what the human mind can adapt to to function.

LM

I talked to my counselor about this same thing. I asked her if it was not terribly depressing at the end of the day. She said you have to learn to turn it off once you go home.

It sounds like you are on the right track! Good luck.

Susan

Lemonman, you make me laugh. As a doctor, I suppose you have to do a lot of compartmentalizing also. Actually, it's a really good lifeskill to be able to "turn it off" when you walk out the door.

In some ways, what SH does has to be somewhat analytical. It's a lot more concrete than the "How are you feeling? are you in touch with your feelings?" type counseling. We know that all WS work off the same basic script with a few permentations. SH would have to figure out which of the MB strategies would be most useful at the place the relationship is at. I wonder if he "gets off" on the nuts that are hard to crack?

Yes, the human mind does adapt. Look how many life stories get altered by both WS and BS alike.

I talked to Steve about this exact statement about 2 months ago.

I said "Steve, I would hate to have your job listening and dealing with these tragic stories on a daily basis."


He said "Are you kidding, I love my job. I can't wait to get to work everyday. I love helping people get back together, every couple is unique, everyday is a challenge." He went on and on about how much he loves what he does.

I jokingly said "You must have an awesome Sex life since you are meeting all your wifes EN's." He just laughed and said "I'm doing allright in that department."

I've talked to Steve about 12x. Everytime I talk to him he is upbeat, has reviewed my file, read my fax that I always send a day in advance, and he always gives me great advice. Every time I talk to him I walk away with something that really clicks in my mind.

I always feel energized when I finish our conversation. I joked with Steve that now I have an addiction to him like my wife does with OM. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />