I'm sorry, I haven't read much of your story. Can you please let me know why your move brought you closer to the OM??

Chackler Asked:




Why my move brought me closer to the OM?


You would have to go back and read the thread that my wife and I had going to get the full picture but in a snapshot I will explain.


Because of Cindy's Affair it caused a ripple effect finacially and emotionally that caused us a great deal of friends who could not understand why I was taking her back and working on something she has so little respect for at this moment. So we decided to sell the house we were in and move to Florida where my company offered me a nice promotion and it would remove us from the area the Om lived in. But at the last moment Cindy refused to move and the house we owned had been sold and we needed to find a house quickly in the suburb we lived in because of the great schools. well the only house in my price bracket was a 2000 square foot home down the road from where the OM works. The street were on runs off the main road in our community and the company the OM works for is at the end of our street.

Cindy claims this will never be a problem because it is over between them and she is really trying to work on the Marriage.


More to come............

Hi Michael,

It's been a long while since I posted to you.

I am sorry about this most recent development.I think it's just terrible that you are anywhere near that homewrecking OM.What bad luck.At first glance I'm not sure I would have settled for staying in town after Cindy backed out.

What was her reasoning?

O

OctoberGirl:

Cindy felt she needed to be near her family for her own support system and moving out of State would have made her feel uneasy. She also felt that if she should decide on leaving me and the kids I would not give her the money to return to our hometown.

More To Come........

So Micheal, besides geography what is NEW and BETTER in the marriage? You haven't answered that question.

LM

I'm Back and in deep need of advice..

Michael, what can we help you with?

It's been over six months since Cindy has had any contact with OM, but to me it feels like yesterday. How do some of you go on. I don't sleep and for some reason I look at Cindy and I see her with the OM in intimate moments and it drives me insane.

Cindy still has her bad days that she does not want the M.

Michael, are the two of you in MC? Tell us the good things in your M right now.

i'm told 6months is a hard time (harder?)

hold on to each other.

i like FF's suggestion... are there positives you can call up to help offset how you are feeling right now?

I never expected so many of you to remember me.


Well were not in MC and I dont think I would call what were in Recovery either. Were somewhere between understanding and hurting. I seem to bring up her Affiar on whims of hurt. There really is nothing new she can tell me that I dont already know. But I still haunt her for answers.

The MC we were seeing say's there will always be *****'s as long as Cindy is unhappy. He also told me that Cindy will never be able to love me as long as she has the cps thing over her head and that I should have it removed.

Me: Lets see

I wake up unhappy and sad most days. I drive by om's work everyday and I remember things I rather forget.

The kids are doing good, they seem more content but look like they are walking on eggshells most of the time.

We leave the house for errands and they wonder if Mom will be there for them when we get back.

Good thing in Marriage:

1)Coffee
2)Kids
3)House
4)Work
5)Dog

Thats about it right now.

Oh and my Cigs.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Michael,

Sorry to hear that there really hasn't been improvement in the M. LB & I think of you often. I sent you an e-mail letting you know that LB & I are here for you whenever you need a listening ear.

The 6-8 month mark is usually a time of indifference, at least it was for me. I was happy he was home, yet at the same time, wasn't really sure if I wanted the M or not at that point. I kept looking at this man & wondering if I made the right decision in trying to save the M. I became very angry w/him. It took a while for those feelings to process & I worked through them, & now it's not an issue anymore, so I can surely relate to your feelings of hurt & betrayal.

I hope you know though, that bringing up the A when you're having a feeling of hurt rather than at a time when you can both sit down rationally & discuss, will only feed into the strife. She of course will get defensive & maybe come up w/all kinds of excuses why she did what she did. So I don't believe this is helping you. I know it's hard to do, believe me. You just want to pound anything & verbally attack anyone when you're feeling that way. But it's very important to not do it. It's only feeding into Cindy's thinking that you'll "never forgive her" so she goes on feeling hopeless & more distant.

I don't know what to tell you about CPS. What would happen if you did remove it?

It must be extremely hard for you to live right down the street. I was afraid this would happen. It's going to be extremely difficult for you to move on seeing this man's work everyday. Is there an alternate route you could take, at least for the time being?

These kids walking on eggshells is no way to live. They must be going through so many emotions that they really can't express. What has Cindy done to reassure them? B/C I think it's really important that Cindy reassures them that she's not going anywhere if indeed she's not. You can't promise them that their mother's going to continually be there. Only that YOU will be.

My prayers continue to go out to you. (((Michael)))

You hit the nail right on the head. I feel lost and mad. And I know Cindy does tell me that I will never forgive her, I told her all I want is to forget it but I can't.

The kids of course Know I will always be here for them. Last week she got mad and told me and the kids that when they start school and I'm at working she is running and never looking back.

She of course took this all back after I tried throwing her out, and I know she says it was said in anger, as many of us have done and said things in this state.

But with Cindy , I sometimes wonder.

She tells me she still feels her A was wrong but that she never loved me and only married me because of carrying my child, and that she will never love me, and that in this M she will only grow to be content.

She also told me that she will never cheat again because of everything it has caused me and the kids as well as her.

Again this is a hard one to follow.

Michael,

You will never forget. I hate to say it, but it's so true. This memory will be there. Forgiveness is the key & you aren't there yet b/c she is still saying things & doing things to keep the recovery stuck in one place. Maybe this is a defense mechanicsm on her part so that way if things don't work out, she can always say that she knew they wouldn't & it was a waste of time.

What you need to be concerned w/right now is YOU. What are YOU doing to keep up your end of the bargain? Have you two spent that RC time together? Have you eliminated those LBs? Have you been filling her ENs? The only person you can control is yourself. Are you doing everything you can to work on this M?

It sounds like both of you are going tit for tat, whatever can hurt each other more & it's ruining you & your M.

I'm not sure what you would call it. I tried tonight to talk to Cindy about our Finacial Situation, Not that it is bad but I suggested her taking up a babysitting job to supplement some of the income and all i got was that she was going to be taking on some online courses soon and that baysitting would mess up her online courses.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel more alone as each day goes on.

It's like she is in this big cloud and her thinking has no measure.

Grrrrrr

Hey MS,

U don't feel like u r in recovery and neither do your children right? Seems like the Xws is not doing her job. Let her know that.

BTW, if she uses the 'I need to run away' babble, let her know that kind of talk is not making you and children feel safe. Stand your ground.

Do you know your boundaries? Please review His Needs/Her Needs. ID and implement your personal boundaries. There is no need for you and your children to be walking on eggs.

The Xws s/b doing her best to restore the trust of her into your family. If she isn't, then she'd better go elsewhere. Why? Because your family does not deserve t/b emotionally abused by an unreprentant Xws.

Remember: Repentance requires positive action.

L.

I have to agree w/Orchid here. It doesn't sound like Cindy's repentful at all. She's there under resentment. That's it. She resents you for everything that has happened. She's still blaming you for her A. And until she gets that she's the one to blame for her own actions, she's not going to put one effort into this M. She's still doing things for herself.

What are the online courses for? Is it to get a better job? That would satisfy your request for supplementing the income then.

I know that she's not filling your EN's. What are you doing to try to fill hers? Do you know what they are?

She often tells you she never loved you.

She can't love you because she is not open to loving anyone, least of all herself. She chooses to live this way.

GC

I have to agree w/you GC. People who lash out at others usually don't love themselves.

ST, Have to? Is it so painful to agree w/me? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Michael, I'm glad you're here, even if you are smoking again.

GC