I don't know what to feel anymore. After over a year of separation I have finally hit bottom. To understand how I feel you have to know that, during the past 8 months, my wife has kept in touch saying that she is getting counseling and generally giving me the impression that there is hope. I have been helping her when and where I can financially. We have two children that live with me who were under the same impression. Through these months I have trusted her words and the fact that she is staying with a friend(Beth.) We would go to dinner, she would be warm and genuinly express that she is getting help so we could get back together. Our talking and all has become increasingly erratic until a point, Saturday, I called her mom. In asking about Bridget, I found out that where she was staying is with another man, she has been for as long as she has been leading me on. I feel ashamed, guilty, angry and depressed. I cannot imagine how a person could do this to another human being. She has played with me for almost a year, sucking what she can out of me and then going back to the bed of another. How could a woman I have loved for over ten years do this? What else could she have done in the past? I don't know? I need help, if it weren't for these two girls I wouldn't go on, I couldn't. I am so mixed up right now, I feel utterly worthless and so alone right now. Please, somebody help me...

James,
I've thought over and over again about how our WSs can tell one lie after another. They look you straight in the face, act pleasant, and give you the impression they may be interested in reconciliation. I have come up with no answers.

I gave my xWS several chances to come clean about his affair. I told him that if he wasn't happy in the marriage than please leave. He'd deny it every time, and act like he couldn't imagine how I could possibly have those thoughts. In fact, we were in marriage counseling throughout much of this time. Come to find out the sexual part of his affair started then! I have often said that sometimes the lying was the worse part of the whole affair mess.

When I finally confirmed my xWS's affair, the OW was 6 months pregnant with his child. She was 21 and he was 47. I had not found Marriage Buiders at that time. I did divorce him. We attempted reconciliation, but he continued to say one thing and do another.

I wish I had some answers for you. I don't. It must be so hard to have lost your WW the first time, and now to have to go through it all again! Along with more lies from her... I can remember that sick in the pit of my stomach feeling. That sense of powerlessness.

How old are your daughters? They are so fortunate to have you providing a consistent, loving environment for them. It's hard when you're in such pain yourself. And yes, many on here have thought about suicide. But as you said, your daughters need you. They have already lost one parent.

Keep on coming to this site for support. Read the suggested literature...and please know that we care.

Hi James,

I certainly understand your feeling of betrayal. I cannot relate totally, as my x didn't exactly do as your wife is doing.
Mine did have more than one affair, and in the end chose the other woman.

But, what I do know is the feeling of shame. I felt so ashamed. I didn't want to tell my family or friends. In fact, I did not for the first year. I was married for 17 years when the affair was exposed.
I thought that we could fix our marriage through counseling, but my x didn't want that.

If your wife is truly going through counseling, for your marriage, maybe there is hope.
I can't explain her living arrangements though, or give her an excuse for that.

My only advice to you is not to keep this to yourself.
You need the support of your family and friends.
Affairs are the wildest roller coaster ride you would never want to be on.
It is such an emotionally hard time.

I hope that you will also seek counseling. It is helpful. And you will need to be the stable parent for your children.
They will count on you for that.
I also have two girls. I tried to be strong for them and be the parent they can always count on.

I can tell you that while this is not how you ever imagined your marriage to be, you will survive this, and you will smile again.

Take care of yourself James and your girls.

Karona

Thank you. I know I am not the first and won't be the last to go through this kind of thing. God how I wish I never found out, I think I'd rather have it that way. My kids are 6 and 9 years old. They are so scared for me and I can't explain it in a way they'll understand. I have no one or where to turn to, I just can't seem to cope anymore. I am so screwed up over this..

James - I know how much this hurts. My WH did something similar to me. I suspected that he was living with the OW, but he continued to deny it. Even his family and our attorney believed him. They thought I was crazy.

After 2 and a half years, he is still living with her. He calls once in awhile to say he loves me, is working on himself, blah, blah, blah.

They act exactly like drug addicts. They will do anything, and sink to any level to get their fix.

I hope you will stick around here and get some support. Also you might consider anti-depressants to help you deal with everything.

I've been on heavy anti-depressants since this all started, stepped up at every roadblock I run in to. It's just not enough anymore. I don't know what can help... I'm just so lost and alone now, confused...

Hello James,

I am sorry that you are in pain.You have had the proverbial rug,pulled out from under you again.Betrayed again.It's very painful.

Listen,if you take anything from my post to you and other's that you read here it is this: things WILL get better OK?

Stick with us and maybe come over to the General Questions board for now.In fact you should.There is a lot more traffic there and you need a ton of support.This board can be slow and you need to be in contact with a lot of us frequently to help you through.You will also get very supportive and helpful advice here but you are in "crisis mode" and need to talk this out.Have you thought about seeing a counselor right away?

Please know this will get better and that ending your life or the idea of not continuing without your WW is how many of us have felt but one day you will get past this trauma enough to remember your own self worth and that no one,not even your WW has the abiltiy or right to take that from you.Your children need you now and you HAVE to go on for them.We have all had to and you will know that it's by God's grace that they are in your life to help you cope.

Are you still with us? Please hang in there.We are here for you.

**What you should be doing:

1) Counseling: to talk about your feelings and check in with a professional.

2) AD's(antidepressants) you are already taking: good.

3) Support of family and friends.

4) When you are ready: check out the MB bookstore.There are many books that are SO helpful in dealing with the why's and how's of cheating/Infidelity.

5) Talk.Read the posts.Let us help you.We KNOW better than anyone,even family if they have not been through Infidelity, what it is like to be betrayed this way.We can share your feelings of desperation.

O

James, I'm sorry you are here having to deal with this. But, just remember this: it is a VIRTUE to be trusting. So, your only "crime" is really a virtue. You don't deserve to be treated this way, but sometimes people take advantage of those who trust - why? because they CAN!

I know my words aren't enough. So, have a hug on me! ((((((James))))))

Stick around here - there are people here who can help you get through it.

I know all the cliches, all the nuances and sayings, I've heard them all. Why can't I believe them? I need more than time to help. I feel so sick, my marriage seems obscene, unreal. I can't help but think of so many occasions where, if I acted a certain way or chose a different path, this may have never happened. I loved her, I never even thought of betrayel, or cheating, I never said a bad word about her. Even when she left, I tried to keep her positive in my family's eye. How could she do this to me? After ten years? I cannot understand how someone, anyone, could do something like this. I feel so tired. I don't want to live this way, with these memories, this pain. I feel defeated, like she destroyed everything I thought was right, that was good. I just want to forget. I want it all to just go away.

James,

As a fellow BH I've got to tell you that what the ladies have told you is the absolute gospel truth.

Another thing you have to keep in mind is the following:

YOUR WW'S AFFAIR HAD NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

Repeat it to yourself as much as you can because it is the truth.

The affair had EVERYTHING to do with a hole inside of her soul that you could have done nothing to fill. The only person who can fill the hole is SHE herself.

It is time for you to consider going to Plan B so that you can start healing no matter what the outcome of your marriage is.

TMCM

James,

Please do take the time to read and absorb what we are saying,ok? I know that it is hard right now but who or what else are you going to allow to help you GET THROUGH this if not us and professional help? We are talking out of long and painful experiences and we can help.

You have said many things that we have all felt.I was married for 13 years and with my WH for 20 years,best friends,two beautiful darling daughters,dream home,dog,etc,etc and it all got blown away by one terrible choice my WH made: commit adultery and for what? His selfish needs or desires and I never knew there was a problem brewing! No one can understand or fathom just how a person that they think loved them could BETRAY them in such a monumental and horrible way.

YOU WILL GET PAST THIS.But you also have to understand that it's a PROCESS.You need to cope,learn,read,adjust.It does take time but what you do for now,in the immediate,is what we are trying to help you with.Do take our advice.There are thousands of us who know what we are talking about,even though most do not hold a degree in Psychology or Counseling.It's our experiences and talking with one another that has given us the wisdom to know how to help.I sometimes think that is much more worth it's weight in gold.

One minute,one hour,one day at a time ok? Listen to what TMCM said: **It IS nothing to do with you,it's ALL ABOUT YOUR WW and HER problems and poor choices to cope with her feelings** You will come to know that.Come over to the GQII board and read and introduce yourself so they can get to know you there.

O

I know you all mean well, and I do appreciate and your taking the time to convey what you know of grief. I really want to believe, I do believe, that in time things might get better. What I can't understand is my feelings, my pain. Instead of anger, I should be mad, I know I should... but I feel nothing but failure and embarassment, I think that is what's hurting the most. I am not a proud man. Not at all... I am lost, beaten and ashamed. Why don't I feel the way I should?

Hold onto your horses babe...The feeling of Anger, Hatred, Self-Pity, Insecurity, Sorrow, Lose, etc.etc. WILL COME..Every human emotional/feeling will come..It will come in HUGE TIDAL WAVES...One day you feel one way - the next totally different - heck, I've had minutes, hours, where I have totally different feelings about myself, life, spouse..

Dealing with adultry/betrayl is as others have posted - a "roller coaster ride"..It is a ride from hell..It also has patterns so you will go thru all that the rest of us have..It's a process..

Your WW is "sitting on the fence"..she apparently doesn't know if she wants him or you..That's why she is still going out with you, she may even by trying to find the answer through her councelor..THey all want to sit on the fence..

Hugs to you...you can be sure of one thing - IT WILL COME..

James,

Like ITHURTS said,there are no "right" feelings to feel.Everyone feels different emotions at all different times every day several times a day.All you need to understand regarding this is that each and every emotion you will have and are having is NORMAL for what you are going through,ok?

We have also felt embarrassment and failure.It's but 2 of MANY emotions we go through.Let them come and feel them so they can be dealt with and one day lessen.Do not try to numb or deny them.It won't help.

For me,after the feelings of suicide came and went in the intial stages of discovery,and then the feelings of profound sadness came,the anger came,a few months later and in full force.A severe loathing and disgust of what happened to me and what my WH allowed and even revenge thoughts toward the homewrecker.You have only just begun to deal with this James so it's critical you have a support system in place to handle it and not do anything that you may regret later.

PLEASE come over to the GQII board in addition to this one.There are many betrayed husbands that are so strong and wonderful(here too) and that you may be able to identify with.You have a lot to learn about this and even about a potential recovery.With or without your WW.

O

James,

You have a new mission in life... its you and your girls. Focus your energy on that and try to forget about WW. I know its tough and it definitely won't happen overnight but you can't continue to let her walk over you.

Do whatever you need to do to put some distance between you and her and start working on yourself. Your self esteem will eventually come back.

Keep being an awesome Dad and keep posting on here (probably you would get more response on GQII) as there are lots of people who have been through similar experiences that can offer you excellent advice and support.

Hang in there James and dig down for some strength. Your girls need you!

Cheers,

Miker

James,

I know it's hard. My wife too - different, but ... it's painful.

Can you try to do this? Sit down and list all the good things in your life that you have to be grateful for.

Listen man, there are lots of guys who's wife took the kids and moved in with OM. There's a guy on here who's wife took their son to another country to have an affair with a teenaged boy! You have your girls. Concentrate on that. Be grateful for them every day. Thank God they are with you!

It's time to think of your wife - the one you loved - as being dead. She did it to herself. As somebody else said, it has nothing to do with you.

If you want to establish some contacts offline, you can email me at [email]mb11094@yahoo.com.[/email]

I've got a 4.5 year-old daughter - but when this is done, I'll see her just a few days per month.

Make the list, man. ... of all the good things... Ask your DD's to help make the list.

-AD

Yup - so have we all. Sometimes it's about not wanting to believe. Too unbelievable - got to be another answer, right?

In my life I've hung on to things I knew in my mind but couldn't accept in my heart. These things kept me going. For example, I have survived every bad thing that was thrown at me so far, why not another one? Not only that, I've come out better each time, but had to wait it out until the time was right. Why would this be different? Why should I expect to instantly feel better when it never worked that way before?

These are the thoughts that I carry with me - that help me trust my head even while my heart is aching.

I can't help but wonder what he has that I don't, what is it that she found in him and not in me? It hurts to know somebody else is with my wife. I put so much in this marriage, I tried so hard, and this is what I get for it. I know I'm not perfect but tried... I really did try...

I'm really really sorry to see you in this kind of pain. Sometimes we don't get the answers to our questions, and just have to accept that.

Also, people sometimes replace people who treat them well with people who don't. Why? Who knows. Maybe they throw away the people who make them feel inferior by comparison. Sometimes its the insecurities other people carry with them that ends up destroying us - and there is nothing we can do about that.

I hope you can find a way to get some peace through all this. Are you getting enough sleep? Did you see a DR about getting some A/D's? It's time to take care of yourself.

Hi James, I used to be known as Alank, now I am CARGUY1. A new life a new name.

I understand what you are going through right now. My story is much the same. For a year and a half my WW told me everything she could so she could be a cake eater. It worked so well for so long, I thought we were on the road to recovery, I thought everything was going to come up smelling like rose's. It didn't.

We have two small girls, age 6 and 4. They are with me full time now and that has been the best part of everything.

The first thing I had to understand is this..IT WAS NOT MY FAULT. I did not tell her to have an A, I did not advise her in the ways of lying, covering her tracks, secret cell phones. None of it. In the fog they live in they will say and do anything to have the best of both worlds. It was not untill I went into a hardcore Plan B that my WW strated to come around. She still wanted me to take care of all the family things, her bills, money cutting her grass. I cut the cord and it heled so much. Think about what YOU want and work on that. She needs to work on herself and understand you are not going to be her door mat. Set good ground rules, follow them and it will get better.

Alank