Even when you know that you've tried all you can and that divorce is the right thing, is it ok to hurt? There will always be a part of me that will love my H. I don't hate him or wish him any ill, we were not meant for each other, no matter how hard we tried. It's not all his fault or my fault. It takes two people to make or break any relationship. I don't blame him for my A, I've said this before, he is not responsible for MY actions, only I am responsible for MY actions. I have taken responsibility for them time and time again. He does share some responsibiity for the problems/issues as do I.

Even though I'm OK with the D, not happy about it, but OK with it. It still hurts. Am I normal feeling this way? He's already dating (we've only filed on the 20th of april). There is no reconcilliation down the road, we are done, but like I said a part of me will always love him. Maybe somewhere down the road we'll be able to have some type of friendship, maybe not.

Has anyone else felt like this? Am I having normal feelings here?

Dana, I'm sure it must be ok to hurt. My wife cried the day she moved out of our home. She has told mutual friends that she feels like a failure. And yet, she is gone. I do not think it would be normal to leave 10.5 years of your life behind without feeling bad. My best to you and your xH.

BTW, sorry for the backtracking but, did your H want the separation/divorce as well? What is he feeling? Cheers...

Hurting leads to healing. The five steps of grief are:
Denial, Anger/Blame, Bargaining, (can't recall this one), Recovery

You are likely grieving the loss of your marriage. This needs to be done to move forward. Too many people get stuck in one stage (Anger/Blame) an never move forward.
It's a slippery slope along the spectrum, but necessary steps to become a whole, emotionally healthy person.

in response to our question IYHB - did my H want the D too. Well according to him the only way to solve our problems is for us to Seperate, not work with a counselor, not talk together, just me leave. That's it. bottom line. He felt that by telling me that he hated me, couldn't stand the sight of me would make me go running out the door. I was the one that said I didn't want to Seperate or Divorce, I wanted to work things out, get professional help. He told me that he didn't need it, all the problems were with me. It had been 13 months since D-day. He asked me to talk about my feelings during the A, which I did and according to him they were all lies, my feelings were lies to him. I gave him no new information, I tried to explain what I was thinking, feeling during the time of the A - but it wasn't what he wanted to hear. Keep in mind that not once did I ever say that I was in love with the OM. I have not seen or talked to the OM in eons and don't want to.

Previous to the events leading up to the D - I had a hysterectomy in early february, my H was more caring and helpful than he's ever been in almost 12 years. Totally out of character for him. I was pleased yet cautious because this was not at all like him. About 4 weeks into my recovery he had to go out of town with his dad for a week for business. During this business trip he called me and told me that "our marriage is stronger than it's ever been, nothing could ever change the way I feel about you. No matter what life throws at us we'll face it together as a team". This took me by suprise because he's never said anything like this before. So when he returned and he asked me to share my feelings I did and then it all exploded. I felt like I had been led to my death if you will. That he'd set me up by making false statements to get me to dredge up the past. He already had all the information, all the details. He wanted to know my feelings, MY FEELINGS. So I felt safe enough to share something so painful as that time in my life only to have it used against me.

We have a history in our M of physical abuse. My H is a recovering alcoholic who was physically abusive when he drank. To his credit, he's been sober almost 10 years now. He quit cold turkey. That in itself is a major accomplishment. However, he never treated the person. He still has the temper, the verbally abusive ways. He feels that if his buttons get pushed it is perfectly ok to say anything he wants no matter how hurtful it is and if he feels the need to get physical, he'll do it because his buttons got pushed and he had no other choice.

April 19th was the last time. I obtained an order of protection and filed for divorce on april 20th. No matter how much I loved him, I didn't deserve to go thru that. Granted he did not deserve what I did to him by having an A, and I have admitted that, apologized for that, recommitted to our M everything I could think of except totally and unconditionally worshiping him. I had reached my limit. Love just wasn't enough.

I do still hurt about it. There will always be a part of me that loves him, the good side of him. He does have some good qualities, I've seen them, however, they are not always present and don't always stick around.

So i guess, coming out of this situation, should I be hurting over the ending of the M or should I be relieved that I don't have to go thru this anymore?