Hi all,
quick recap:
Me (LBS) - 40
H (WAH) - 40
D-20, S-17
Married 16 years
Serious problems showing up around 08-03
Separated 02-04
Divorced 03-03
I spent several years working, going to school, running a craft business. I acquired a lot of debt and hid it from H. H found out...we talked and made a plan....I blew the plan....H found out....we talked and made another plan....I blew it again....no more talking. When we separated H said that he wanted to work things out but only gave it a half-hearted effort. We saw 2 different counselors and finally in 11-04 after H did not show for 2 sessions in a row, I laid it out.
I told H that I really wanted us to work things out and I felt that we could, but I was no longer going to do his work for him. If he wanted the M, then he needed to step up to the plate. H never did anything from that point forward. Finally in 03-05 I told H that I wanted to separate out our finances and handle my own money and be responsible for myself. H then asked me if I wanted to take it a step further and get divorced. I told H no....I still had some hope.....didn't matter, that's what he wanted (H said that he couldn't trust me, was no longer "in love" with me and the final thing was that he wanted to start his life over and wanted to do it alone). I told him that I would not pay for something that I did not want and if he wanted it, he could pay for it and he could do the work. That was on 03-07-05. H got busy right away and on 03-30-05 D was final.
During the year that we were separated I did many things to change. I worked harder at listening, I went to IC to take a serious look at my behavior that caused the breakdown of the M, I attend support groups to help me deal with past and current issues and most importantly....I take responsibility for the mistakes that I have made and try to make amends where I can.
D has been final for almost 2 months....I know, not it's not that long.....my struggle now is learning how to be alone and dealing with lonelyness. I have been alone for over a year, but I don't count that first year because I wasn't really alone....although H and I were not together, I was stil married and held hope that we would work everything out.
I am not emotionally ready to be dating, but I am touch deprived. I know that anyone I went out with right now would just be filling a void and I need to do that on my own because any relationship that has it's roots in need will not be good. I struggle with intimate relationships on every level and that has made the art of "getting a life" very difficult for me. This whole process has made me even more cautious than I was before and I still have a very difficult time trusting people enough to let them close to me.
Please don't get me wrong....H never did anything that would cause me not to trust him, except leave. I believed that we would always be together and whatever problems that we had would be worked out....H was tired of feeling the way he was feeling and just wanted it to be over with. H is also alcoholic and that need comes above all others, including our S.
It is so hard to let go of the "Ideal" and the "Dream"....that is where my struggle is at today.
Sorry this is so long, but thanks for reading.
