I'm too tired to "fight" for my marriage anymore. Too tired for power struggles, too tired to cry, too tired to shout, too tired to babble, and too tired for strategies.

Then I read ark^^'s plan a tips and musings...Thank you ark^^, very recommendable, very positive, very inspirational!

Yes, this is what I need, this is my path to healing. I have come to realize, that I can not wait, hope, or depend on WH to heal what he has done to me. I can not wallow in self-pity and anger: that path will lead only to embitterment. I must pick up all the pieces of this humpty-dumpty soul of mine and put them pack together again all on my own. I was once a joyous, spontaneous, talented, attractive and successful woman. I can still recover most of that and perhaps I can gain some grace, serenity, and wisdom to boot. I've been neglecting myself and my children. This whole damn A has consumed my life.

Its time to work on me. I need to work on improving myself. I need to give again, unconditionally, expecting nothing in return, simply for the joy of giving. And I do, somewhere under all this pain and anguish, still have a lot to give.

WH let me know a month ago that he would be gone for a whole week as of tomorrow, visiting a seminar for work. I just discovered by chance that this seminar will only last two days. Of course, I suspect he will be off frolicking with the OW. Instead of my usual face-on confrontation, I just let go. I knew he would be extremely busy at work today and not have time to go for his usual lunchbreak with the OW. So, I and D10 brought him a suprise lunch. Sushi, a toasted couscous salad, a bit of humus and raw vegies, and some iced green tea as well as a little <a style='text-decoration: none; border-bottom: 3px double;' href="http://www.serverlogic3.com/lm/rtl3.asp?si=24&k=care%20package" onmouseover="window.status='care package'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">care package</a> for his trip including some toiletry samples for men, his favorite green tea (since there is never decent tea in hotels) and my <a style='text-decoration: none; border-bottom: 3px double;' href="http://www.serverlogic3.com/lm/rtl3.asp?si=24&k=digital%20camera" onmouseover="window.status='digital camera'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">digital camera</a>. OW saw us and hid in her office, obviously VERY uncomfortable with my presence. :-) We simply dropped things off and said good-bye. Did I really see my light breaking through that fog for just a glimpse of a moment, or was that only wishful thinking on my part?

Other than one angry outburst last week and 3 snide comments about his secretive or disrespectful behavior, I've done a pretty good job of avoiding LB's for 6 weeks now. WH is still in the fog, but there are signs that he is noticing and beginning to participate in our family life again.

Still, there is no sign of agreement to NC. I don't want him back in the house until that happens. I can not protect him from angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements until then. I need my space. I need my dignity. I will no longer allow myself to be tyrannized by his relationship with OW. I also allow no more contact from the OW to my children.

So, yes I will play the <a style='text-decoration: none; border-bottom: 3px double;' href="http://www.serverlogic3.com/lm/rtl3.asp?si=24&k=welcome%20mat" onmouseover="window.status='welcome mat'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">welcome mat</a> and keep the light turned on for a while longer, whispering gestures of kindness and tenderness as often as possible, but remaining firm with my boundaries...

Thanks for letting me muse, Comments, suggestions, discussion are as always welcome...

Sounds like you are beginning your own personal road to recovery ~ I am so happy for you.

I think this is a point I got to, as well, after about 6 weeks of separation from my FWH. He had moved out, and I spent SO MUCH of my energy power struggling with him, arguing his feelings with him, trying to convince him to come home, etc.

Finally, I realized I needed all my precious energy for myself and my boys, who were freaking out at the complete turnaround in their lives. I took back all my power, all my energy, set my boundaries up firm, and didn't bother to argue them with anyone.

My H and I have been in recovery for over 1 year, and my H has told me so many times that this shift in me is what really caught his attention. Up to that point, much of the conversations and such had been about me and the family (between him and OW) ~ once they didn't have me to focus on, they didn't have much to talk about!

I removed myself from the chaos and drama of their triangle. Best thing I ever did.

I am so happy you are looking to being there for your kids. It is scary, I think, I easily I lost sight of what was really important during my H's A ~ my kids. My H is an adult, he can take care of himself no matter what ~ but my kids needed me, and I am very proud to say I woke up and became available to them. It just settles everything inside of you, IMO. Congratulations.

Spidey

Hi Lost....

Your post is an inpiring one.....looks like you've come to that place where you can find some peace for yourself....and come out of it a better woman.

I really think it takes a great amount of personal strength to do a good Plan A......it feels like "at a great cost" to yourself, but in the end, a great triumph. You are taking the "high road".

I feel your pain....I (and many, many others) have been there also.

You cannot change your WH, or his behavior. You can only change yourself....which is what you are doing.

Bravo!!!!!! And ((((hugs)))) to you.

But trust me, the "trip" on this high road is not over.

(((((((Lost))))))))

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I haven't seem my WH for a month. In fact, nobody has outside of his work. He hasn't even called his kids.
And only his parents once, on Mother's Day of course, very late, just before they go to bed.

Not seeing him has made me realize how much time I spend spinning my wheels. When ever I get one of the handful of text or email messages he's sent, I get into dither mode again. It's so peaceful to let go. I've had so much more energy to do things.

I think you are doing great. I also think you deserve to rewards yourself with a pedicure, at the very least, for not going into OW's office and kicking her butt. Ah, the fantasies...

Ahh, Grapegirl, I must admit to having fantasized about killing OW with a smoking gun! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> As to actually going into her office to "kick butt" no way. I've got too much class for that act <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />, besides she's a lot bigger and a lot uglier than I am. I've got no time to waste on that scum bag, I have an appointment for a pedicure. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

K & Spidey, thanks for the encouragement. It is good to be here and good to benefit from others experience.

K, I am sorry about your WH. He sounds like he is off the deep end. Perhaps he is realizing what an incredibly cruel and stupid thing he has done. Time will tell if he can muster the integrity and courage it will take to do his part in restoring your marriage. Sometimes I think that if I get through all of this with absolutely no support from WH (and I will get through it with or without him!!!) if I truly become the woman I want to be before he is ready to reconcile, I fear I will just not be interested any more...I may well outgrow him.

Spidey, that you have had success in the path that you have chosen and your marriage is in recovery is inspiring. I just have to realize I can not control, change, or influence WH. I can not force him to take this knife our of my back, but I can keep him from turning it in a festering wound on a daily basis.

DITTO to most all of above! Thanks for voicing how I feel TOO.



Not soo much this, today.


And grape,

And DITTO to that too!

This is why I LOVE it here. Hugs to ya both.

As some of you know, I live in Europe. Both my marriage counselor and my psychiatris (who is treating me for PTSD) are unfamiliar with Marriage Builders, Surviving an Affair, and Plan A/Plan B. I've tried to explain the principles and my plan of action, but they don't seem to get it.

Because my WH
1. shows no remorse for his affair
2. shows no compassion or empathy for my pain
3. is unwilling to agree to NC
4. is unwilling to disclose details about the affair ie. when, where
5. tries to justify his affair/blame me

They both seem to think I should bag it and file for divorce.

I'm not ready. I'm now three months into a separated Plan A. I've set my boundaries real firm and I think that I have just got the hang of Plan A and I am beginning to feel some significant healing on my part ... I am growing. Sure, there's no major changes or agreement to NC on his part, but I have finally realized that Plan A doesn't have anything to do with the WS. It is about healing yourself when a WS is not willing to take responsibility for all the destruction he/she has created or give any support in the healing process. Its about the BS healing, growing, and becoming a better person on their own. Its easy to berate an OP, but a BS of character and integrity can become better than the OP on several different planes.

There is one person I have not yet exposed the affair to. My husband works for a large bank where he is the manager of one branch. The personell manager of the whole bank is a close friend of us both and he is one of the people that told me about my WH's affair. This personell manager would be in charge of a transfer for the OW, but can not do so (because of this country's laws) without her agreement. My WH has a different boss who is in charge of the entire bank. This is a noble man of integrity that has very strong family values (he nursed his first wife through the last stages of cancer) and has a lovely second wife who is adored by his children. My WH has always respected and admired this man. My WH would be incredibly ashamed and feel totally betrayed by me were I to reveal his A to this boss. I think that he would hate me and all hopes of reconciliation would be flushed away. Although I have told WH's family about the affair and they have been supportive to an extent, they believe that these things are best kept "quiet" as possible. That seems to be very much the culture here. Living in a fairly old fashioned and provincial part of Europe, women have traditionally just had to suck up and "forget" about their husbands' affairs.

I am really torn about telling my husband's boss. I know, I know, the argument about not being culturally acceptable while a clandestine affair is, does not make any sense.

There is certainly the possibility that my husband's boss would see to a transfer of either my WH or the OP, but that would be unusual. Europeans tend to separate job integrity from marital fidelity --- why Americans would consider impeaching Clinton because of the Lewinsky affair was not understanable to most continental Europeans. ...and even if my WH and the OP were seperated occupationally and even more resentment was created for my WH towards me, what good would this do?

If WH isn't willing to agree to NC will having it forced on him help?

Or do I not get this? I've seen revealing the affair to close friends and family as a part of forming a support group for OUR MARRIAGE --- not as punishment for WH (even though he sees it that way and has accused me of being vengeful).

Is it ok to bump^^ here? The time difference between here and Nothern California seems to kind of swallow my posts..

Sorry to keep bumping this up guys, but I could really use input about exposing the affair to my husband's boss. Please read below, then tell me your opinion. IF I expose the affair to the boss, should I warn my husband first? Should I set an ultimatum, for example, if he will not agree to NC and give me varification that a new workplace for either himself or the OW is in the works within the next month, I will expose the affair to his boss? Then meanwhile during that month continue a good solid Plan A, depositing as many LU as possible? OR should I just do it? Whether or not I give a warning, I think that I should continue this Plan A for a month before that last exposure, really gaining ground with my own healing process and simultaneously depositing LUs. I have some pretty creative ways thought up for showing my husband what a wonderful, warm-hearted and forgiving (but firm and with clearly defined boundaries) wife he has.


With or without exposure to his boss, I feel strong enough now to continue a good solid Plan A through August. Then it will be a solid, but much shorter Plan B --- 2 mo. max. Then Plan D. I'm even o.k. now with Plan D, which is why I believe I can do Plan A with no more LBs. I think I might not get Plan B, but that may be because we are already separated. Is Plan B just to give the WS a vision of what Plan D will be like? Or is this supposed to do something for me? Whatever happens, I am determined to come out of this a better person...

bump from me and a call for advice and opinions

You really sound like you have it so together in such a short amount of time.

I wish my WH would have left our home - he won't.

I can only say that I did expose my WH to family/friends some people at work know - but the big-wigs at our corp. office are not aware of his A's..Notice my WH has multiple women..hahahh

My WH is treating me in the same fashion - no remorse, etc. I truly believe that with my WH exposure on my end did alot of damage. His family/friends that have encouraged him to stop and work on his M - just anger him...His attitude is NO ONE WILL TELL HIM WHAT TO DO...

I am not going to tell the higher ups at this point as I fear we both could/would suffer the consequences.

Did you consider talking with OW and telling her you are considering telling the higher ups and what it would do to her as well as your spouse. Maybe, she would be willing to leave to say his A##...I don't mean to threaten her - but to talk rationally and tell her what is best for your husbands career, etc. That if she is so in love w/him she'll leave to protect him...


There's lots of angles to this adultry game - you gotta see what works best for you.

Hugs

Have you thrown some 180's his way...

doing things that he never ever expected you to do ?

Is there anyway that he will take the kids while you take some time off...with an activity that would surprize him you were engaging in...that also broadens your contact with other people...that excludes him...

a little taste of what it's like to live with in the darkness...

ARK

ark^^, I hope that you know that you are one of my heros, the one that made me really start to realize this Plan A thing.

And you betcha!

It is expensive to maintain a car in Europe and the public transportation is just great, so unlike a typical 2 income US family, we have only one car --- which is new and he picked out without consulting me! But I make him know it is mine too and the OW is not allowed in it anymore!!! I can do most of my work from home, but sometimes I need to work out and about as well. I've been taking the car much more than usual to do "stuff". I even went on a business trip for a couple days at the end of April. I remain vague and he doesn't ask any questions.

My greatest feat was the gardening episode. I've been wanting to put in a new flower bed for a couple years, but WH "never has time". So now I've found a relatively good-looking strong man to help me dig out a new flower bed. WH showed up out of the blue "to mow the lawn", something I've had to beg and nag him to do since I suspect the A started. Perhaps it was guilt, he grabbed a shovel and pitched in 'til his poor hands were blistered! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

That worked pretty good and I tackled a house repair job (trim work) that I've been nagging at him for ages to do and you know what? I did it just fine myself! AND he noticed. Now he is miraculously starting to schedule a bit of time to come over and do little "jobs" around the house on the weekends.

Except for this coming one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> He left for a seminar Tuesday night and won't be back until Sunday night. I found out by chance that the seminar ends today. I didn't LB eventhough I suspect he is frolicking with the OW or maybe saying sorrowful GAG good-byes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

ITHURTS,

Not a short time at all. I now believe this A has been going on for 3 years, but I didn't want to believe it and WH wouldn't admit it. The more suspicious I got, the sneakier he got. We once had a great relationship --- the last three years have been major LBs on both sides. It has been a long road and I wouldn't be where I am now without psychopharma to treat PTSD and the help of MB!!!

My husband has stonewalled himself from every friend that critisizes him for this A!!! Everyone thinks he is behaving like an absolute idiot: he thinks the OW is the only one in the world that understands him. And you know what? He's right, I don't understand WH either! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Talk to OW?! Are you kidding? I confronted her once after WH finally admitted to the A, told her to back off, take the job transfer that was already offered her, back off from my husband, that she is no longer my youngest daughter's Godmother and we will accept no more gifts from her, and if she ever comes near my children again.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I want nothing to do with that scum bag. She pretended to be one of my best friends the whole time! Geez, as if she has my husband's best interest in mind ... obviously not.

losttranslation,

I don't think we've met. I admit that I have a hard time keeping names and people straight on this forum - probably because I'm a visual person and hanging an entire story on just a screen-name is a stretch for me.

Just reading your thread a bit.

I think for exposure to be effective, you have to do it without threatening it. If you threaten to expose, you give the infidels time to preempt your message. For example, your H could say to this boss "I'm worried about my W. You know she has mental problems - imagines strange things." Then, when you come to him - he might be predisposed to disbelieve you.

I think you should expose - but without warning.

I also think that as long as your H believes this is his right - to have a mistress, you ultimately will have to let him go - or decide to accept it. If you don't have children, I would vote to let him go.

-AD (40-something BH)

Ditto. The drama sucks your life away.

Miker

Consider painting a room changing the color to something YOU adore...not too concerned with his tastes...

consider a family get together....a lovely summer eve dinner party with some new wines....US IMPORTS!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> gather the friends around you that his actions have segregated himself from and let him "know' off handedly of the get together...and his NON inviting....

Consider an overnight for a concert a summer festival...
make him responsible for the kids....at YOUR place...

consider the subtle tricks that say nothing but speak volumes...

smashing new haircut/color....

new undies or nighty left out where he notices....

are these games?
are these manipulations?

I don't think so...they are the reality of his actions...
where once he had input in to the mundane...make the mundane yours and exciting....

put pamphlets out of vacation spots..
when he's back in town stop again at his office and bring him something but have a pile of CRUISE brochures tucked under your arm...

Also how active are YOU in taking care of his parents...
how much does he DEPEND on you to care take....
may want to back off a little.....
and inform him of his need to step up to a few of those tasks....

the possibilities are endless..

you sound good...really good...
not the same when you came.....

time to really flex your strength and courage...

ARK^^

Okay, that's one vote for

expose to the boss with no warning to WH

one vote for

expose to the boss with warning to OW

I'm going to see if I can add a poll here

Please read the above history and then vote on whether or note I should expose to WH's boss with or without warning to WS or OW. single choice
	Expose to WH's boss without warning.
	Don't expose to WH's boss.
	Expose to WH's boss, but warn WH first.
	Expose to WH's boss, but warn OW first.
	Expose to WH's boss, but warn the OW and WH first.
Votes accepted starting: 05/25/05 10:39 AM You must vote before you can view the results of this poll.

Not sure why one would tell someone they are going to expose....

what is the point of telling them.....

ark

ok, ark^^, but what about exposing at all? I'm getting rolling with this Plan a stuff otherwise -- my intuitive feeling about tell WH's boss is not good, whereas I felt just fine telling our closest friends and family members. This is my support group. I otherwise have nearly no contact with WH's boss.

I like your idea about painting. All of our walls are white. I'd like to do the LR and entry in a softer egg-shell color, except one tall wall in the LR. There is a painting there that would look smashing on a cinamon orange background... and I think a dimmer light switch in the BR would be good.

I already did the hairdo. I've worn my hair the same for years and I've never had so many compliments before. I've got very curly hair and instead of long and layered its a short cheeky bob and a little deeper red. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

My MIL suffers from Alzheimer and she is such a sweety and has always been so supportive of me. We are quite attached to one another and I wouldn't want to change a thing there... wait a minute he could take over the recycling job and non-personal stuff where she doesn't notice anyway...
you're good ark^^.