Oh, well - a nice family evening, then!

Sounds like you had a good time, anyway. Just as well you love cooking!

Alph.

So, it finally happened! Prince Charming spoke with Steve Harley for an entire hour last night! He seemed pretty upbeat afterwards. He'll need a couple days to digest all this. I should be able to at least ask tonight if what SH said makes sense to him and if he is willing to give this a try. Tomorrow I have my session with SH and will get some insight into how deep Prince Charming still is in the fog, whether or not I should expose to his big boss, and when I should go into Plan B mode.

I am beginning to get real disenchanted with Prince Charming. I realize he is not the man that I thought he was. He's still living next door at MIL --- our houses are connected by a passage way from my office. He's eating all his meals and getting royal Plan A treatment. He still works with OW, but they are no longer sharing transportation to and from work. WH still has a lot of unaccounted time.

That's great he spoke to SH!!! Bet you thought it'd never happen. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good luck with your session tomorrow - I'm thinking of making an appointment myself now.

Alph.

Today I have my follow-up appointment with SH!

This morning I went into WH's bedroom to get his laundry and do my regular morning snoop around and found a piece of paper folded in his jeans pocket --- obviously notes from his session with SH. This is what he scribbled:

frog in the pot
2 variables:
1. Jewels meeting my needs
2. protecting my weaknesses

1. why and what
2. validation
3. plan

I am curious what SH will say today. Is Prince Charming coming out of the fog?

Hmm... interesting!

It's certainly progress that he's had the session with SH. You should hear some positive things from SH yourself today, I think.

All the best.

Alph.

I had my third IC with SH today. The first after Prince Charming's first and only session with him.


Consultation with SH is always intense. You get the most out of it if you have read the essential books SAA and HNHN. And of course, you should have a pencil and paper ready not just to jot down the assignment that he will surely give you, but to take notes on his insight into your own personal situation.

SH said that my frog prince was cooperative and
seemed engaged. He was surprised though, that the Prince had not yet fulfilled the simple assignment that SH had given him. SH has also surprised that up to date the Prince has still voiced my failures as the sole reason for his affair.
I'm not surprised at all. Prince Charming is incredibly good at instinctivly knowing what is expected of him and has the ability to present himself in a positive light. Illusionary outward appearance is everything, reality is secondary.

So, SH essentially did a recap of the highlights and goals of his session with the prince and with it came a deciphering of the notes I snooped in the pockets of the prince.

Here it goes:

Frog in a Pot
Put aside for a moment my concept that my prince has reverted to his existance as a frog: I truly had not heard this anecdote to explain how affairs happen.

A frog (such as any French trained chef would know) will try to escape a pot of boiling water, usually successfully. Put a frog in cool, safe water and gradually increase the temperature, it will languish and die. Such is the nature of an affair. The frog feels safe, danger is increased in tiny increments, until the frog is totally powerless to do anything against it. Did the frog in the second case die on purpose?

According to SH,the path to reconcilition happens in three stages, and they must happen in a particular sequence to be successful, and they must be initiated by the WS. SH informed me of th stages, but I am to remain fairly passive.

[/b] [b]Stage One of WS Reconciliation
a. The WS should reveal the truth about why the affair happened. The reasons should not include the BS. Even the BS's neglect of EN, even physical or emotional abuse can not be referred to as reasons for the A. Many people are exposed to this that even given the opportunity do not engage in an affair. Adulturous behavior can be blamed only on the actual participants.
b. The WS should reveal the what, when, and where of the affair. Answering all the questions that the BS has the need to know about the A.

Stage Two of WS Reconciliation
Validation is the big word here. The WS needs to validate that he/she truly understands the depth and scope of the wound they have inflicted. They should understand exactly what this has done and continues to do to their spouse.

Step Three: Protect and Heal
The WS should agree with the BS on a plan to protect the BS from further damage. A plan for ensuring that this kind of damage will not happen in the future should be made. A plan for healing, reestablishing saftey and trust should also be made.


So, Prince Charming's assignment is just the A part of step one. PC has announced his plan to discuss his session with SH with me this weekend. I should act unknowing. I should then report to SH as to
1. what the prince's take is on the why of the affair. ie. does he take full responsibilty for his actions or does he continue to blame me?
2. Does he admit that the affair happened because he did not protect himself from having is ENs met outside the marriage? that it was due to his own weaknesses and not my failure?

So, lots to think about. Lots to digest. Lots of things said that I am too tired to write.

Time to go to bed. Tomorrow is D10's last day of elementary school. We go to church early morning, ice cream after school. She is going with a friend and her mother to a concert in the evening. I will attend an art exhibition and have dinner with WH and MIL.

Friday evening WH and I were supposed to have a date, but there was no one around to look after MIL, so we had to take her along. We went to an art exhibition and then to dinner. Some great SF <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> back at home anyway, but then he leaves to sleep in his own room at MIL's.

Saturday morning I went mountinbiking on my own, WH cooked lasagna and invited me, D10, and MIL for lunch. (D17 is on holidays for a week with BF and his family). Mutual friends dropped by for a visit and WH came over and I made a spinach quiche with a side of garlic scampi and salsa fresca for dinner. We had some good wines, laughed, and after they were gone and D10 in bed, more SF. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sunday, I invited everyone for lunch again: pepper steak, fried onions, spinach spaetzle (spinach is going nuts in the garden currently). Mincemeat tartlettes for dessert.

Went for a walk in the rain with WH, then we talked about his session with SH.

Prince Charming's take on how the affair happened is that I was neglecting his emotional needs and he was not protecting his weaknesses. (SH: greatest ENs = greatest weaknesses). In one breath he says that he is totally responsible for the affair and in the next he says that had I been fulfilling his ENs the affair probably would not have happened. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />


Hmmm. My ENs haven't been getting met now for several years... why haven't I had an affair? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Ah well, at least he admits he has emotions and emotional needs. He has taken partial responsibility. He is reading HNHN. He is willing to talk to SH again.

More SF again last night --- mixed feelings. I'm pretty sure the PA is over, but contact continues. WH refuses to use a condome or get tested for STD. I got myself tested immediately after DDay.

What more can I say?

WH came home from work 3 hours late. Meanwhile between telephone calls and spies, I uncovered a couple lies and guess what? WH was with OW!

When he got home, I calmly, without accusation --- no angry outburst, no disrespectful judgements, asked him where he had been. He flipped out, refused to talk to me, packed a bag and left.

Strangely, I don't even take it personal. I don't really care all that much any more.

Unfortunately, D17 was involved in a fake alibi phone call from WH and got wind of it all. She ends up defending her father's lies as the best way to avoid conflict...

This makes me incredibly sad.

Lost, sorry to hear the last turn of events... seeing CA actions is a trigger for me as my WH on DAY 5 after D-Day absolutely avoided seeing/ talking to me. And 1 month and 3 weeks later upped and left the house ... I haven't seen him in a month already. I really don't know how to do this separated Plan A stuff especially when we don't have kids.

I've heard that frog anecdote before, but never used for an analogy for an affair. Interesting.

You seem really strong inwardly..!

~A

I learned this the hard way .... do not set up a situation where you seemingly try to catch WS in a lie. I realize you were trying to give him the opportunity to come clean himself ... but he's not "there" yet.

Don't ask where he's been if you already know.

Tell him ... "I know you have been with OW the last few hours. Let's talk about that."

Don't ask ..... state the fact (if you are certain it is a fact). Things usually unfold a lot better that way.

just a suggestion ...

I am so sorry <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I agree with Pep. Also let him wonder what you are thinking. Send out just enough bait to mess with his A mind. Remember scrambling the brain of a WS is not the same as messing with your H. 2 totally different characters here, they just inhabit the same physical body. Now that sounds creepy doncha think? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.

I feel like I really blew it.

I'm so upset today, I've been throwing up.

WH will probably come back later today to talk.

I'm thinking, no fretting, about what I am going to say to WH today.

SIL thinks that the whole work crew went out together last night.

If so why did he not tell me he would be home late and not here for dinner? Why did he lie and tell me OW had the day off?

I think I'll ask him if he read the chapter about honesty and openess in HNHN.

This Plan A revolves all around his needs.

I do not feel safe.

What or what do I say?

LT,

IMHO, you should tell him (remember to keep eye contact):

BS: WS, need to let you know that things are happening which do not make me feel safe. Now that you know, what are you going to do?

WS: What do you mean you don't feel safe.

BS: Would you feel safe around people who lie and deceive you?

WS: I don't know anyone who is doing that.

BS: You didn't answer my question, would you feel safe in that kind of environment?

WS: Of course not.

BS: Neither do I. You are the one who is not making me feel safe, now why is that?

WS: I don't know what you mean.

BS: Hm..... really? (keep eye contact - the eyes are quite telling). Well every tme there is contact with the OP (don't call OW by her 1st name, call her by her last name or just OP or OW). Your actions do not make our family feel safe. As a result, I have been subjected to panic attacks which include nausea, vomiting, headaches, etc (name whatever you need to name).

Now WS, I need to know what you intend to do? Continue making us NOT feel safe and making me sick or what?

WS: Well, uuuhhhhh, I.... (stutter, stutter, sputter)....


NOTE: The above type of convo will produce a reaction. It c/b anger, remorse or something but it generally will produce some kind of reaction. Be prepared to let the WS react whatever way he chooses. Don't stop his reaction, let it happen. You control your action. Remember his WS actions are NOT making you feel safe and resolution is in his court NOT yours. If he tries to put it on you, remind him HE is the one causing you t/b sick. He is the cause NOT the symptom.

The above scenario was tried and tested in my case. Practice ahead if you need. I rehearsed in the bathroom. This helped me keep my composure easier.

JMHO,
L.

Thanks Orchid!

I am so glad you are here this weekend!

I can do this. I'll practice ahead of time.
I also have a medication that I can take for emergencies to calm me down. I'll take a half of one ahead of time.

sisterly hugs from the rainy Alps!

It is at this point that I fear WH will just get up and leave...

Oh my Orchid, you must be sleeping by now? What is the time difference between central Europe and Hawaii?

Still hoping for help... anyone vets here?

Here's my script, I've changed it slightly to anticipate Prince Charming's reply (not that he is a special WS):

KEEP EYE CONTACT; STAY CALM.

Jewels: Prince Chaming, I need to let you know that things are happening that do not make me feel safe. I fear for my safety and the safety of my children.
Now that you know this, what are you going to do?

Prince Charming: What do you mean you don't feel safe?

Jewels: Would you feel safe around people that lie and deceive you?

Prince Charming: What do you mean?

Jewels: It's a question, please let me repeat it in German. Werdest Du dich sicher fühlen mit Menschen die sich dir belügen und hinters Licht führen? ( Interesting that the local dialect for deceive is to "lead someone behind the light.")

Prince Charming: I don't know.

Jewels: I do not feel safe in an environment in which I am deceived and lied to. You are the one that is making me feel unsafe. Now, why is that?

Prince Charming: I don't know what you mean.

Jewels: Please allow me to explain. EYE DRILL. Every time you have cont with your FormerBestFriendsWife, your actions make our family feel unsafe. As a result, I have been subjected to panic attacks which include trembling, vomitting, diarrhea, and repeated visions of your betrayal of me and our children.

Prince Charming, I need to know what you intend to do? Continue making us NOT feel safe and making me sich or what?

LT,

Whether he finishes the script with you or not, the beauty of this is that you would have already given it back to him. So he may squiggle and squirm but he still has his cooties back. LOL!!!

So don't fret the details. The point is once you have made your statement it now resides in his court. He can digest it or spit it out but you don't have t/b there to get spit on. Ok?

Btw, it is 2:33pm HST here.

L.

Orchid,
there is exactly 12 hours difference between us and we are just about exactly on opposite sides of this planet.And ja know what? I think you helped me and my WH get one step further, one tiny bit wiser... what first appeared disastrous actually kind of worked, I think. Here is about how it went:


I kept eye contact and stayed calm the whole time. By looking at his eyes, I could tell that my H was not present, just a very spiteful WH.

Jewels: Prince Charming, I need to let you know that things are happening that do not make me feel safe. I fear for my safety and the safety of my children.
Now that you know this, what are you going to do?

Prince Charming: I'm going to move back out! You're sick for wanting to accompany when I go out to dinner with E. and G. You're sick for wanting to go to India with me. I want to go alone!

Jewels: I hear what you are saying, Prince Charming and acknowledge it, but it still does not answer my question. There are things happening that do not make me feel safe. What are you going to do about it?

Prince Charming: What do you mean you don't feel safe?

Jewels: I don't feel safe and our children do not feel safe. Would you feel safe around people that lie and deceive you?

Prince Charming: I never lie!

Jewels: That is not really an answer to my question. Would you feel safe around people that deceive you and lie to you?

Prince Charming: There are always going to be situations in life were you get deceived. There's no getting around it. You can't keep people from lying to you!

Jewels: But does that make you feel safe? Do you feel safe in an environment in which you are being deceived and lyed to?

Prince Charming: No, of course not!

Jewels: I do not feel safe in an environment in which I am deceived and lied to, either. You are the one that is making me feel unsafe. Now, why is that?

Prince Charming: I don't know what you mean.

Jewels: Please allow me to explain. Every time you have contact with your FormerBestFriendsWife, your actions make our family feel unsafe. As a direct result of your actions, I have been subjected to panic attacks which include trembling, vomitting, diarrhea, and repeated visions of your betrayal of me and our children.

I need to know what you intend to do? Continue making us NOT feel safe and making me sick or what?

Prince Charming: I am going to pack my bags and move out!

Jewels: So, you believe that abandoning me and your children will help us feel safe?

Prince Charming: I am not abandoning the children!

Jewels: We are staying here. You are packing your bags and leaving. You are not abandoning us.

Prince Charming storms out and leaves.

D10 and I get ready to go out for pizza with friends

Prince Charming returns. Asks for D10. I say, sure he can talk to her briefly, but we are leaving to go out with friends.

He tells her he is moving out again. She is dissapointed and storms off to her room. He turns around a leaves.

I say, "Thank you." (Unfortunately in a sarcastic tone).
I close and lock the door and go to comfort D10. WH comes knocking on her bedroom window. I close the curtains and am able to calm D10.

We go out to dinner and WH calls D10 on her cell ohone twice. Each time she tells him she is busy eating and having fun with her friends, she'll call him later to say good night! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> Bless her little trooper heart.

So that little drama was last night. I was proud of myself for remaining calm and collected. D10 ended up having a nice evening and we played cards in bed after she called her father to say goodnight. I was dissapointed in the outcome, but felt calm and not in panic.


Today he came back in the morning to apologize for his behaviour. His eyes looked sincere and sorrowful. We talked briefly. He seemed to begin to acknowledge what his A and his behaviour does to me and our kids. He said he was under a lot of pressure at work the past two weeks.I said that he seemed to have enjoyed coming home to a relaxed atmosphere and enjoy dinner with his family in the garden each evening. He said, this was true, but that he can not take the additional pressure from me.

I said that as soon as he makes me feel safe, my reason for pressuring him is gone. What is he going to do to make me feel safe with him again? He said he is working on a way to transfer either himself or OW to another bank. I said that is good, but he shouldn't just think about it, he should do it. He is welcome to come back home once he has established absolutely no contact with OP and is ready to make me feel safe with him again through O&H and a POJA.


Soooo, he is still moved out and we are back to a seperated Plan A.

Comments?