My wife is being served papers this Wednesday after 10 months of no SF and 8 months since D-Day. This coming from a woman who is very sexual.

I have not confirmed if my wife had a PA. If she isn't having SF with me, who then? I asked her this question and she remained Silent.

My question is this.

After 8 months since D-Day my wife will be served papers this Wednesday and the **** will hit the fan.

My wife may or may not reconcile, I guess I'll have an idea where she stands at this point. I'm honestly not even sure if I want her back if she has had a PA. I guess I'll know what my heart says when I find out.

Dr H says the first time a woman has SF with OM the first Orgasm is one of the most intense Orgasms she will ever have. I'm sure that subsequent orgasms are great also.

If indeed "SF" was better with OM how can you ever get past this? I'm not sure I want to hear all this Love crap either?

Let's be honest, if indeed SF was awesome with OM it most likely enters your mind constantly especially when you have SF with your husband.

I don't want to be second banana (no pun intended) especially in the bedroom.

I have some very serious decisions to make in the next few days so please help.


I would appreciate [b]Radical Honesty here, please.

I'm not mad at my wife at this point. In fact I have very little feelings left. I think of her now as a sister. Maybe we would be better off with someone else? I know this is against MB principles so please don't comment on this. Not all marriages are worth saving, especially if WW can't forget about OM. I could force my wife into staying in this marriage if I wanted to, but who the hell wants that? It has to be Win/Win.


Why would anyone want back in a relationship when SF is very important in your life?


Thanks for all your help.


Andrew[/b]

I'm bumping this up cause I'm curious too...

Like TA, it has been a long long time since I had SF with my W. About a year and a half. It's been even longer since I felt any desire on her part for SF with me.

I'm curious about how this kind of thing might affect the recovery efforts/attitudes of BS like me and Andrew.

For me (and I think for people in general, specially men) SF is important because it reinforces the emotional bond. It renews things and promotes closeness and intimacy. No SF seems to have left me in an emotional vacume and while my character and deeper self are still committed to saving this marriage, I very often question myself as to how enthusiastic I actually am about recovery.

I ask myself how I'd like it if indeed my W and I did enter 'recovery'... would things stay they way they have been for almost a decade? To be honest, the thought fills me with a certain amount of dread. Being wanted and desired is such a huge thing for me.

I often question why I'm fighting so hard for something that gives every indication that it's going to be a situation where I'm signing on for a lifetime of frustration, dissatisfaction and unmet needs. I will ALWAYS be fighting my own infidelity demons because god forbid any woman should ever flirt with me or show interest. Not that I'm afraid I would cheat... I wouldn't... but how depressing will it be to be exposed to that kind of desire and then come home to a wife who would just as soon do dishes, or read a book, or surf the internet... or any number of things that are more interesting that having sex with me? (And just in case my W reads this, I want to make it clear that I'm asking general questions here, not refering specifically to our situation)

And as for starting to view your wife like a sister, Andrew, well to me that only makes sense. The alternative is to keep viewing her as lover/wife and live knee deep in the rejection that defines this situation. How can anyone live like that? Our minds have ways of adapting and I think this might just be a good example.

dewt

C'mon WW's, where are you when I need you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Where are all the WW's or FWW's? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Again TA. It is a question of tact.

I would ask, how did you manage to catch the first one? Rufies?

NCWalker

I think she was drunk. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

LMFAO................Now that was funny. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I have a question inside of this thread. How was the sex before you found out about the EA or PA or even before anything really happened? Was it what you would consider a normal amount of times? Did your WW actively participate or was she just there to get it over with? Did she only want to participate after she had been drinking or on some other substance? After 8:00 each night, did she tell you how tired she was without any prompting? Did she inform you of all of the aches and pains she had that she never went to the doctor for? Did she always wait until this time to tell you what she was upset about? All or part of these even when you had no desire to initiate sex. Did she start letting the kids sleep in the bed with her? Did she start sleeping with kids whenever they asked or didn't ask? These seem to be a short list of the complaints from other threads. Were most or all of these present before anything started with EA or PA? I think that there might be some interesting correlations and similiarities in our stories when all is said and done.

Don't you want to direct your post to those who have recovered?

I guess I fit the FWW title, but when I started my A I never slept with my Ex-H ever again. So I'm not really qualified to answer whether or not you regain a positive sexual relationship. I'd lost my desire for my Ex-H before I ever started the A.

I am not a WW, but bobsmiley described me perfectly in his post. Thats me- the kids our bed, too tired, too sore, too mad-I lost all desire for my husband after my kids were born. We still had sex (notice I did not call it SF) a couple times a week, but I did not put any effort in to it. I acted like it was a chore and the sooner it was over the better. After about 10 years of this my husband confided to a neighbor about his problem and the rest is history. She was having the same problem w/ her husband and they both found a way to relieve their sexual frustration.

During recovery, I had to spend considerable time on this problem- I didn't understand it, or how to fix it. First I had medical tests to determine there were not any hormonal issues-everything fine there. Pep suggested to someone to read the book "Passionate Marriage". I had read alot of books before on the topic of keeping your marriage sizzling and thought this one would not be any different, but since it was Pep who suggested it I ordered it. It put the final pieces together for me and explained the dynamics of my marriage in a way that I understood. It wasn't pretty, and it wasn't easy to fix-especially with the affair to deal with on top of everything else. But we worked hard and overcame years of resentment. Things are much better now.

TA,

The following is from my latest update post. Everything is fine except for the SF. I was the BS and she felt so bad and was so ashamed that she couldn't make love/have sex. Then her mom passed and then we moved to CO to take care of my son. So we have never had a "normal atmosphere" to work on it. So I lay there at night thinking the following;

"Most of the time I am bewildered as to when or if to initiate. Do I wait for a sign? Be aggresive and not take no for an answer? Be rough? Talk dirty? Wait for her to attack me? Rub her a certain way in a certain place?

OH GOSH!! WHAT WOULD THE OM DO IN THIS SITUATION??

Right there is the crux of the whole fri%#ing affair dealio
and the biggest and maybe only thing that keeps breaking my heart which collapses my chest into darkness, misery and dispair." (Sorry, got kind of heavy there.)

This is my biggest problem. The OM was there and so was the big "O". It must be a proving my manhood type of thing, yet I get no chance to prove it.

Hope this helps, I know you were looking for a WW or FWW but they do not seem to want to respond.

k

Sorry to threadjack here, but this subject matter is also a big concern of mine.

I am a BS as well, and future SF (if we ever begin recovery) seems impossible. My WW went as far as to say she has been faking O's for THE LAST FIVE YEARS! How in the world, if this holds true, do you every get past that?


TM

This is how I would explain it......like I explain everything else......fog babble. I havent had to deal with that though, since I have had no direct contact with WW since going into plan B. Its been over 90 days now with no contact.



"the wheels are turning on the last train to Amsterdam"
Ray Wylie Hubbard

Hi, TM.


Why would you assume that your performance had anything to do with her lack of orgasms, especially since she decided to hide that 'fact' from you?

If indeed what she says is true, then the problem is HERS.

No one gets to be the world's greatest lover without practice, and practice is only as good as the feedback you receive from it.

Not your fault.

Gimble

TA,
You asked that former or current WWs respond so of course here I am answering! LOL But you know I wouldn’t butt in except I think that I have something to offer.

It’s about attitude. When I decided to stay married I gave no thought to how much my ex WW enjoyed the sex with her boyfriend. All I cared about was how much she liked having it with me! My attitude was then, is now and always will be that if I want to please a woman then getting it done ain’t know big thing.

Now you can stand on the Empire State Building shouting the coach is an arrogant pr#ck all you want and it still makes no difference as to how I see this thing. After all, I wasn’t the first man my wife slept with so why would comparisons bother me? Once invited in, no woman ever asked me to leave…her bed that is…her life? LOL, That’s a different story! LMAO

Sorry but sex is a matter of seduction and love. And here’s a flash for anyone who wants to lionize the act like it’s something that only those deeply committed or deeply in love can enjoy! Wrong! Sex is fun and it’s always good if the two parties involved decide to make it that way. There’s some sex that’s better but no sex is bad…at least not in my experience…so what’s the big deal? We don’t do *it* indisciminently because most of us choose to be loyal and caring but doing it and having fun is not a challenge.

If you’re worried that her having sex with the OM was some kind of mystical or religious experience think again. The sex you’re describing is all about chemicals…those little endorphins in your brain that explode with pleasure…but any one over the age of 16 knows that this kind of sex and love for that matter, is short term! In the end, once folks have been together for a while, it’s all about the effort and the caring…just like love!

When my WW was in her deepest fog, she could never turn me down! Never…and when I began treating her like the tramp she was acting like (forgive my forthright description here but lets call a spade a spade) she loved having sex with me even more! So go figure.

Sorry TA but the issue isn’t sex. Sex or not having sex may be the symptom of another problem but good sex is good sex…and that goes for cheating wives, husbands sinners and saints! LOL If your WW isn’t in to it find out the answer why. Don’t deal with it like sex in itself is the issue. That’s my advice.
Coach