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Post deleted by HealingT4J
Last edited by HealingT4J; 05/23/05 10:13 AM.
me-FBS M-6/84 3 great kids
A-2/03-5/04 DDay-5/8/04 WD - severe-5/04-9/04 with continuing C; NC ltr-9/3/04
In Recovery with God's help
Praying for all WS/BS. Blessings!
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In checking through everything I came across documents in my H's computer files from the old correspondence. It really bothers me that this is still there. I think he has forgotten about them. He has literally thousands of documents in his laptop. Do nothing. Do not confront since it is very likely these have been forgotten ... I mean ... "thousands of documents" it is likely. Continue to snoop. Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
Last edited by Pepperband; 05/23/05 10:25 AM.
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Post deleted by HealingT4J
me-FBS M-6/84 3 great kids
A-2/03-5/04 DDay-5/8/04 WD - severe-5/04-9/04 with continuing C; NC ltr-9/3/04
In Recovery with God's help
Praying for all WS/BS. Blessings!
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I also feel guilty about snooping I suggest that it is not actually guilt you experience, but sadness and anxiety that you need to protect yourself in this way. Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
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What about the principal of total honesty? Only applies to WS's?
--
WW 37 (me)AND BS
BS 38 AND WS
OM 20
Married 15 years; together 23yrs, since high school!
DD 8, DS 10
ME-EA 11 months online/phone
D-Day 2-17-05
D-Day 7-16-05 HIM-multiple PA's/random MEN over many years!!
Divorcing
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win bin ... again BS needs to protect her/himself from WS. Not even when WS becomes xWS ... total honesty cames when WS becomes SO ... TRUST has to be earned first.
WS/xWS has a rap-sheet of dishonesty ... past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior.
-rh-
Give your absolute best such that you could look back 10 years from now w/ no regret.
Happily Married to Lady Elina - 04/29/06
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Post deleted by HealingT4J
me-FBS M-6/84 3 great kids
A-2/03-5/04 DDay-5/8/04 WD - severe-5/04-9/04 with continuing C; NC ltr-9/3/04
In Recovery with God's help
Praying for all WS/BS. Blessings!
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What about the principal of total honesty? Only applies to WS's? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> 8 months of supposed NC ... She cannot presume the NC is real, she needs to check up. She still needs to be protected from the evil of infidelity ... and her tool is snooping ... and her husband bought these consequences when he chose to have an affair. This is the consequence of poor choices. Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
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You have every right to snoop. About the letters in the computer? Copy them onto a disk and save them in your bank safe deposit box for future reference. Do not delete them. He probably has forgotten them, and if he should wander into the area where they were left in the computer, intending to delete them himself, and sees "footprints," he will become cannier in future about covering up his tracks.
You need to protect yourself. He lost the right to privacy when he invaded YOUR privacy by bringing another woman into the marriage.
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I know that Dr. W. Harley addresses 'privacy' in marriage somewhere in his materials and books. It is probably in at least both 'Love Busters', and 'Surviving and Affair', it may also be in 'His Needs, Her Needs'.
If you could read these together that would be helpful and possibly eye opening for your H. There is the home study program available on the main website. It may be in the Radical Honesty sections.
Dr. Harley does not believe that married people need or have a right to any privacy from each other.
Married 1976
Me:BS
Him:FWS
MB Weekend March 2003
2 S's: '77 & '80, 1 D: '82
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BTW....don't forget you can right click on the files you're talking about, and select properties. You can tell the last time they were accessed by looking at that screen. Remember that it may show the last time YOU opened them and looked at them too tho, so be careful about jumping to conclusions.
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Dr. Harley does not believe that married people need or have a right to any privacy from each other. I wholeheardily agree with this - I think it's essential to recovery - I know it's what's holding us back...now my BH wants his own private life... -dorry
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Dr. Harley does not believe that married people need or have a right to any privacy from each other. I wholeheardily agree with this - I think it's essential to recovery - I know it's what's holding us back...now my BH wants his own private life... -dorry oh dorry, I'm sorry to hear this ... this mistake has great suckage it it's wake, doesn't it? Pep
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What about the principal of total honesty? Only applies to WS's? Radical honesty would be preferred, but if the WS doesn't agree 2 it, as my W hasn't, then there's no deal. After finding out about one's S's A, the BS has 2 take certain risks 2 be able 2 restore their faith in the WS' ability 2 recommit. Being given PERMISSION 2 snoop whenever they feel like it would go a long way 2 rebuilding trust. I 2k a chance that my W was recommitting 2 our M by not snooping as a rule, letting her attachment with RM fade with time, and it came back and bit me on the @$$ last week. They may not be in frequent contact or seeing one another, but they haven't stopped al2gether either. My W's insistence of SECRECY (it is NOT privacy) is likely going 2 spell the end of our 29 1/2 year marriage. I'm saddened and numbed by her selfish, s2pid choices. -ol' 2long
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Radical honesty is to be afforded to trustworthy people, not untrustworthy people. She would be insane to afford radical honesty to an untrustworthy person who has harmed her in the past. Once trust is established, then she won't have to take steps to protect herself from her H. Until she feels safe, her first obligation is to protect herself.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Post deleted by HealingT4J
me-FBS M-6/84 3 great kids
A-2/03-5/04 DDay-5/8/04 WD - severe-5/04-9/04 with continuing C; NC ltr-9/3/04
In Recovery with God's help
Praying for all WS/BS. Blessings!
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...which begs the question, "When exactly will that day, the day when trust is re-established, be? You will trust when trust is re-established. We can't predict for you when that day will be.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't think you can ever trust completely again. If you stay married, you will have to keep your eyes open - and never accept the "privacy" excuse. If you D and remarry, you probably will not trust your 2nd.
My current opinion is that blind trust is never appropriate in a marriage.
...especially when your spouse says "trust me", or "I need my privacy".
I don't think I'm jaded here, just being realistic. Each of us is really, actually, in truth, absolutely alone in this life.
Yes, we need some level of trust - in family life - in business life - in our dealings with friends. Without it, we will be frozen. But total trust? I no longer think so.
-AD
Last edited by AD; 05/23/05 01:47 PM.
A guy, 50. Divorced in 2005.
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You don't need to open the documents to know when they were last accessed. And I simply suggest that as a way for you to know if they're something that he's holding on to and looking at periodically, or if they're something that he's not viewed in ages.
Totally up to you how you want to deal with the situation, my friend.
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Post deleted by HealingT4J
me-FBS M-6/84 3 great kids
A-2/03-5/04 DDay-5/8/04 WD - severe-5/04-9/04 with continuing C; NC ltr-9/3/04
In Recovery with God's help
Praying for all WS/BS. Blessings!
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