I woke up this morning with a feeling of dread....I couldn't define it, and I was thinking it had something to do with my husband.....but again, couldn't put my finger on it.

I took the kids to school, came home switched some loads of laundry around and then laid back down for about 20 minutes with my husband before he had to get up and go to work.

He woke up about 9 am, and was getting ready to get into the shower when the phone rang, I looked at the caller ID and it was work, so I answered the phone, and it was my boss.

Back when I was newly separated from my husband, I was not functioning very well, I was very depressed and ended up being suicidal, well all of that led to a leave of absence from work, I was gone for 2 months. Well I hadn't been at the job for a year yet, so I wasn't protected under FMLA, towards the end of my leave I called my employer to tell them that I would be clear to come back soon, and they informed me that my position had been posted.....unsure of what that meant I called human resources and left a few messages, when I called my supervisor again, she told me that my position had been filled. I tried to call human resources again, but this time I actually spoke with someone, and they said "I told them they had to put you back on the schedule....let me give them a call". Well long story short, my supervisor was forced to put me back on the schedule and my first day back called me into her office to sign some paperwork, they had basically figured that my leave of absence totalled *7* occurances (Some they were figuring because I missed a holiday which they said counted for 2 occurances) and that I couldn't call off at all until July.

Well I haven't called off, but on 2 occasions I had to leave early. Once, because my daughter was ill at school and once because I was very ill. On the day that I had left ill, I went to the ER (I work at a hospital) with severe back pain, and vomiting. The docs in the ER thought that I had a kidney stone. The examining doctor came in and told me he wanted me to have a CAT scan to see if I had a kidney stone, then he said "Do you want something for pain?" I said "That would be nice" So the next thing I know the nurse is coming in with the stuff to hook me up to an IV, along with IV Phenergan and IV Dilaudid. I was in a considerable amount of pain, so I didn't protest.

I went and had the CAT scan and it came back clear, no stones, but given the fact that I had received IV Dilaudid, they did not give me clearance to return to work, as I am directly involved with patient care and shouldn't be trying to do that impaired.

Anyway, so my supervisor called and said that those 2 times I left early added up to an additional occurance and that I was being terminated. I was in shock, and just sort of said "Okay....okay and hung up".

My husband walked into the room and said "Who was that?" I immediately made up an excuse saying that someone from work wanted me to work for them, I had no idea what to say.....I HATE lying, and I feel like an [censored], but my contributing to the household budget is not only one of his BIGGEST EN's but it's really a necessity, he doesn't make very much at all.

What the hell am I gonna do????? I'm freaking out, I'm supposed to work tommorrow, I don't know what to tell him, we are finally just on the upward swing, and now this....I'm scared to death he's going to be extremely mad and we'll be back to square one again.

I have been going nuts looking in the want ads and trying to call in favors all morning.

I have skills, and it won't be too hard to locate another position (I HOPE!!!!), so I don't know what to do. Should I just act like I am going to work???? I don't know how to tell him, since I immediately lied to him when it happened. I hate to tell him I lost the job without being able to tell him I have another one, or at least an interview. Arrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!!!! This is horrible, I have NO ONE I can talk to.

-Caren

Ohh Caren,

Soo sorry!!

But you MUST tell your H the truth immediately! Tell him what you said here, that you are WORRIED, and you know that it is a big EN of his. And you will do your absolute BEST to rectify the situation!

Just my $0.02!!

Again, sorry Caren, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

jls

I think you should be completely honest wtih your dh. Part of recovering your marriage should be radical honesty on both sides. Would you not be furious if you found out he lied to you about losing a job? It's not fair to either of you. It effects the house as a whole, and decisioins that have to be made in regards to the home. (((caren))) I will keep you in my prayers.

I have no ideas for you..but wanted you to know I've sent a flare prayer up.

(((CAREN)))

No ... you should let H know then ask his emotional support for you to look for another job. If you can't count on him ... this M is not worth saving at all.

Sorry to hear that you have lost your job but you have to get it going fast. Dust off your resume and send it to many agencies n work w/ recuiter ... check monsters.com , hotjobs.com and many others.

Good luck and hang in there.

Hi Caren:


I am so sorry to hear about your news.

I agree with the other poster about the major importance of you being hones with your H.

Apologize for initially not telling him the truth. Explain to him why you were anxious- which is understandable! Like the other person said, I would also agree with telling him about your plan for landing another job soon. Ask him about his ideas. Hs love to be helpful, like a 'KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR".Remind yourself of the need for you to work as a TEAM! In a marriage, problems are worked on together. TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

If you approach this in that fashion, you are doing the emotionally healthy and right thing.

Hi Caren,

I too am sorry about your update.But it was a mistake to lie so fix that right away.I can understand your fears but lying was not right and the more time that lapses will make it worse.

Get busy on those internet job sites and just do the best you can.If your H is mad then too bad.He can make a choice to be supportive or not.This will be a test for him.Don't ever feel like you need to walk on egg shells around him.That is no way to live.

You know what you have to do.

Much luck on the job front Caren~

O

I know....I know I have to be honest, I'm kicking myself for lying to begin with.....but I do sorta feel like I'm walking on egg shells, the state of our M is definitely what I would call fragile at this point. I am going to have to come clean about losing my job.

I don't actually know, with him being in withdrawl and all that if he has the capacity to be supportive. I'm still in the mode where everything seems like life or death....every decision, every mishap.

GAWD this sucks so bad. I know I have to tell him, and I know I shouldn't have lied, I'm so scared. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

-Caren

Don't you think I should wait until he gets home to tell him?? Should I call him at work and tell him? "Honey, just wanted to tell you I got fired today, Oh, and I lied to you about it....Have a nice day"

Just kill me,

-Caren

I know, that sounds bad. But what if he is in a reallly bad mood when he gets home and even starts bitching about money and finances? What if then he says, "well at least when we get your pay it helps"....? Ya know, Care' there won't be a "Good" time. Maybe you could go to his work and tell him. Take him lunch or something likethat. Even tell him that you are kissing butt because you are so worried about this. I dunno, I am DEFINITELY NOT the sage of MB here. But u do have to tell him eventually, and the longer u wait, the harder it will be!

jls

Caren,

Seems to me that -- withdrawal or no withdrawal -- it's time for your H to step up to the plate.

Seems to me that -- if your H cannot and/or will not SUPPORT you at a time when you need it most, then... don't you deserve better?

Seems to me that part of the whole (highly overrated, I might add <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />) marriage THING, is EXACTLY this: to support, encourage, and "be there" for each other when Life throws a curveball... or drops a bomb.

Seems to me... it should be INSTINCT for your H to "be there" for you!

Withdrawal as an excuse goes out the window.

Money worries come second.

YOU come first!

I hope hope hope your H comes through for you, Caren!

Caren,

Gonna 2x4 you for a second.

How big is your God? Three months ago, your husband was running around with another woman. And you were being evicted. And not working due to health reasons.

Today? OW is gone, you are in recovery, and you have begun working again. You think that was a small feat? You think you did all of that? I say again, how big is your God?

Look back at the road you have traveled sometime, okay? It is the look back that you can see God's handprints all over your life. You trusted him to get you out of your mess before, to bring your husband home...and he did it.

Is he big enough to get you another job? Is he big enough to takethis to your husband?

Didnt you just read about the husband's roles, and the first role of the wife (the other two will be out shortly)? LET HIM LEAD! MAKE HIM LEAD! Sure, your finances warrant the fact you need to work. Okay!?!?! So, tell him what happened and ask him to help you sit down and come up with a game plan on getting that next job. My wife is an RN. There are jobs everywhere in the medical field. If you ever get your RN, you will never have to worry about a job or money.

But right now, let him lead! Go to him tonight, sit down. Apologize for lying. Then tell him that you want to take this opportunity and find a job in your field that will help things there. And you would like his help in going thru the want ads or wherever to come up with the plan that you will execute (remember, we guys LOVE to rescue you ladies!).

He is your head. God is his. You do your part...God will take care of him. Or havent you noticed that by now?

In His arms.

Thank you all, I know that you're right.

Mortar-

I know all you are saying is true, and I hit my knees a few times today, once to ask forgiveness for lying and a few times regarding my new found joblessness. I am sure before my H get's home I'll be praying a few more times.

I know that God never closes a door without opening a window, and perhaps this is the gateway to something better, the lack of a job doesn't worry me as much as my H's reaction to it.

I'm scared to tell him while he's at work, because the OW just works a few doors down, and maybe it's silly, but I keep thinking that would be an excuse to go and talk to her....you know it'd be like old times, complaining about what a F-up your wife is. Now he's given me no indications that any of that would happen, it's just my old BS brain kicking in again.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
-Caren

Believe me...I do understand!!

Caren...who is the head of your husband?

Unfortunately, I havent finished the wife roles, because the last part of surrender to your husband has some very important points for you here.

The major thing is this...God says dont be afraid when trusting Him to be your husband's head. Do you think that He would abandon a woman that was being the wife He commanded her to be? This is again why I say...how big is your God? Is He bigger than your husband?

So, when you sit down with your husband to explain this, do so in an adult way. Say, "Honey here's the deal..." And then explain everythign and why things are the way they are. And that you would like his help in determining the best course of action. Let him lead. Let him help you come up with the solution.

Do you understand that this whole thing may be a test to see if you will let him lead, and to see if he will lead. If you dont let him lead, then you will be blocking him from taking his role. If you let him lead, but he doesnt...well, his Head will take him out back and have a little "counseling" session.

Do not be afraid. As a woman of God and following Jesus...God responds to the Proverbs 31 woman!!

In His arms.

Caren ... I would rather know now if my SO is for good, bad, sick & dying beside me than additional 20 years down the road.

Tell him, the sooner the better.

-rh-

I have read Proverbs 31 more times than I can count, and re-read it when you started your thread. I also read the verse about a man loving his wife as Christ loved the church. I have actually prayed for just that, that kind of unconditional love must be amazing. I mean, I know that my husband *loves* me, he has never denied that he will always love me.....Oh criminy, I'm babbling again.

I have been trying with everything I've got to be that woman, I really have and you're right Mortar, maybe this is a test, to see if I can let him lead, it's my gut reaction to fix everything, because I've done it for so long, but I understand, if I fix everything on my own, then what does he feel *needed* for?!? That was the case before all this happened, I took the lead all the time, I *fixed* everything, and I was doing it for him, so he wouldn't be stressed out.....but I don't think he had any clue how much I really needed him, and still need him.

I need to trust that God knows what he is doing, and trust that if I approach my husband in a way that is asking for his help, that God will provide.

Thanks Mortar, you always know the right thing to say.

Red- You're right......it's now or never.

-Caren

***Leave it to me to have a crisis before Mortar finished his section on what a woman is suppose to do...LOL

caren

I adopted PORH early in recovery. In part because I'm a useless liar, in part because I wanted to differentiate myself from the [censored] lies of Squids affair. Fight lies with truth.

I have been LIBERATED ! I don;t lie about anything anymore. Sure I decide who to tell stuff to ,but I don't lie.

My company, IBM offered me severance last week. They are making 13000 people redundant in Europe this month.

I told Squid outright. She was supportive ! IS supportive !

Caren, I agree 100% with redhat - I would no work an a M where I was a cash machine not a spouse.

be honest and STAY honest. PORH worked for me

All blessings.

One more note Caren...

Dumping on him is NOT the same as letting him lead. Dont go from trying to control everything to letting him do everything.

Let him lead means since he is the head, God has given him ceratin connections that you do not have. Sometimes, God will not speak to you directly, but instead thru your husband. That is why you take this problem to your husband. Not because you are an imbecile and cant figure it out. No. But because he has a connection that you may not have. He has access to information you may not have. Thus, he may be able to help you out of your predicament with the knowledge and access he has. God will use your husband, if you trust Him.

See, a lot of women think this submit thing makes them subservient. That is not the case. Submit just means that you have realized that you may not have all of the answers (none of us do) and thus are sending your questions, requests, needs, etc. to the next level up in the chain of command. And what comes back? Answers. And that's what you want, right?

Caren, you want to know how to handle this jobless problem. You want to know where God wants you to go now, where you will be working next and how that will help provide for your family. Well, God says He will give you that information. But you must first fall in line with his program and second, you must trust Him.

You think that Proverbs 31 woman didnt have problems? You think she never had an argument or never disagreed with her husband. Come on. She was human, just like you are. But what she understood was that God created her because He had something in mind. And she wanted that.

At work, I submit to my boss because I have something in mind (paycheck, raise, promotion). I'm not lesser than my boss, as a man or human. I just function in this spot in time in this position, as God wills it.

So, let him lead. Use the resource you have in your husband that you have, for the most part, yet to use in your life. Your husband brings a lot to the table for you. And when you dont allow him to be who God created him to be, that can create resentment.

Dont beat yourself up. This society has so screwed things up, putting pressure on men and women to be something they were not created to be. Relax. Trust God. And work with your husband.

I think you will be pleasantly surprised in the end.

In His arms.

Caren, as Dr Phil would say, "How long do you plan on being the Victim?"


Tell your husband to get a second or a third job like I used to do.


As for you, go out and get another low paying job like the one you had. You act like you had a job making 6 figures a year, how hard can it be to get a bad job?


If your pathetic husband can't support you because you can't contribute a lousy couple of hundred dollars a week to the household then DUMP him.


I never liked your pathetic husband from day 1.


I don't know why you don't have enough respect for yourself to get another man in your life.


Your husband treats you and your daughter like Trash, has no respect for you and he makes no $$$. Tell him to get off his lazy ********* [censored] and make some damn $$$.


I hope for your sake and your daughter he does run to the OW.

Sorry, but I've been following you since day one and if you were my daughter I would have told you to dump the bum long ago.


My two cents.


Everyone can go ahead and FLAME away at me.

Adios.

Caren,

I agree with the line of thinking on the thread and just wanted to add really quick--check into the family medical leave act. I am pretty sure your job can't use times when you are ill or when you need to deal with a sick child against you. I know that has nothing to do with the issues with your husband. And it just dawned on me, that fmla would only apply if you are in the US. Well, check it out if you are and see about fmla for your state too, again if you are in the US.

I just had to deal with my former company and fmla and many employers don't quite get that fmla means that if it is under that act they can NOT penalize you in any way.

Good luck.
Tiggy