And you wonder why no FWS will reply to you...TSK

I'm not going to slam any WS who responds to my threads.


Sometimes the Truth hurts Bob. I think Caren deserves better.

Bob-

You're absolutely right about the honesty thing...I 100% agree with you. I felt positively sick to my stomach after I did it......I am honest by nature....it is foreign to me to lie, and I am no good at it either. I will have to come clean, I have no other choice, my conscience is kicking my butt.......I can't imagine having an affair, if one little lie makes me feel so crappy.

Mortar-

I am going to trust God, and trust my husband. I don't think I've EVER presented him with a problem and asked him what to do about it, I have presented him with many problems, and told him exactly what I plan on doing about it......but I assume a lot of it has to do with the delivery. I don't think I've ever just trusted him enough to come up with the solution. So guess I'll be trying it out <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


TA-

Who peed in your Wheaties, sweetie? lol I know that little outburst was because you are concerned about me, and I realize that my FWH has done precious little for anyone to be madly in love with him.

I disagree that I'd be better off with another man, I don't think that's the answer....it would be a MILLION times easier yes, but I have felt very strongly throughout this entire situation that wasn't the correct avenue.

Does my husband deserve this undying devotion that I give him? Nope. Does he deserve me to honor our wedding vows? Nope. Does he deserve for me to leave him in the dust? Absolutely.....Is that something I am willing to do? Nope.
It's that whole unconditional love thing, I love him with all my heart, and I swear to you, there is a normal guy in there somewhere....I've met him, I swear it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

BTW, I LMAO when I read: As for you, go out and get another low paying job like the one you had. You act like you had a job making 6 figures a year, how hard can it be to get a bad job?

What a great way to look at it

In my defense, I applied for this job because I was attending school towards nursing, and that would have been a foot in the door, so I was working for peanuts in hopes of eventually making some money.

Tiggy-

I wasn't covered under FMLA, I hadn't worked there for a year, I'm a month short. That's what I keep thinking though....HELLO I was on medical leave you heinous [censored]. They act as if I just willy nilly called off because I was hung over or something, this is SOOO Not the case, and when I'm at work, I WORK, I don't sit around like the other slackers....but apparently, that is not enough for them, so their loss I guess. I think I'm going to file for unemployment.....see what they have to say about that.

I am going to actively look for another job, and file for unemployment too.

-Caren

Caren

Google FMLA to make sure on the time. When I had my 2yo, my husband used fml to stay home for awhile and he had worked there under a year. I think it is on a how many hours you worked basis rather than how many months. Don't rely on the HR to tell you. They had it all wrong on my maternity leave and wanted to short me about 6 weeks. Just check it out and make sure.

Tig

Edited to say Oops, go for unemployment and find a better job.

Man,

This is harsh. And I sometimes get ripped around here for being "uncompassionate....geeeesh.

I can only think that you posted this in hopes of getting a "rise" here. It probably won't work.

LM

No, it was not intended to get a rise from anyone.

I think I was the first person who ever posted to Caren. I've followed her entire story.

In regards to her job, I was trying to get her to realize she lost nothing worth worrying about. If she had some great job with great benefits then I could understand her pain. But a bad job that can't even support her, time to move on.

Some women just never see the light of day. Look at your sig lemon.

I think she is better off with a new man who respects her, period.

I know people have critized you, I've always thought you gave honest, upfront advice.

Some peope are soooooooooooo thin skinned.

JMHO.

Andrew

TA,

But there is something called "tact."

Once you start yelling, people stop listening. Regardless the value of the message.

Did you come here to make a difference, or vent?

NCWalker

Caren, I have not been around in a while so I wanted to pop in and say hello. I was alank, now i'm carguy. My thoughts are with you.

Andrew:

I honestly do NOT disagree with you on this situation as a whole. Your tact however leaves alot to be desired. "Thin skin" runs rampant around here, but you cannot blame people for this. Many people are so emotionally shattered from all of this f-ing horror that they they are like wounded puppies, afraid to get hit again. I try and be mindful of that, although admittedly I do struggle to remember that. Yes, I have been criticized for my opinions here, but I do not think I have ever said the things in offense that you did. I could be wrong, perhaps I did.


Caren probably knows already my stance on her situation. I don't think she is in a "marriage" or "recovery" at all. She is living with her husband, and things are great as long as she remains quiet and doesn't let him see her pain. As long as she makes nice, things are fine. Sweep everything under the rug, and all will be fine. When he is in a "mood" she has to go back to the tried old method of walking on egg shells untill he says the family can be happy again. That is NOT recovery,,,,,it is dysfunctional. It is probably akin to living with a "dry drunk". The drinking may not be there, but the dysfunctional behaviors and dynamics are.


But, Caren was at least very honest and has readily admitted that she wants to be married to this man, no matter what, and that she intends to "honor her vows", no matter what. I think you really have to watch the actions and NOT listen to the words. Caren, I think the fact that you could not tell your WH what happened today after you were fired...speaks VOLUMES to me of "where you are at" with him.


Caren, honestly girl, I stopped posting to you after you gave support to KMEJ for honoring her vows to her WH after an incident where he hit her. While I think you may believe that was helpful and "supportive"....it was in my opinion agregious (? spelling).


I congratulate you on getting your WH back, I know that this is so what you wanted.


It is not my right to judge you though. In the end, you are responsible for your life. I think that you do have the "victim" role down good, and you will need to find a way to break out of that pattern. It is my STRONG contention and belief that we usually get everything in life that we deserve. You have to examine yourself to see what it is that keeps letting you PUT YOURSELF in these situations. This is gonna be your achilles heel for the rest of your life untill you figure out the problem and FIX IT.

LM

Hi Caren...

First, I wanted to add my sympathies with everyone else here - I am so sorry you lost your job. Here's a funny thing: about a month ago I gave myself a rather severe concussion trying to hurry to get to work - knocked myself out, and lost about four days somewhere in there - went to work that first night (I was working in ER then too), but then ended up IN the ER the next day because I was not doing well. The whole thing ended up with me getting fired for missing work too. Apparently you can't get sick and work ER.

Anyway, you have my prayers and support - please tell your husband the truth - if he's worth his salt, he will support you, if he doesn't, you will have learned more about him and your situation.

Incidentally, I'm reading a great book right now - you may want to find it and read it: "Boundaties in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend. It might help you in your recovery.

Oh - btw - hi to all - I'm still around - lurking, observing, and growing.

Caren, you can IM me if you need to...I'd like to catch up anyway - I pray for you all the time.

Later!

David

Caren,

I saw your post this morning but was un.... un something - just couldn't reply on it.

I lost my job about a month after W moved out. We were then separated (sort of) for about 18 months - then bought a house together for about 2.5 years and now are heading toward a D.

I was the sole provider - and was out of work for 13 months. It was a strange time. I wish all the best to you.

-AD

Caren,

So sorry you lost your job, but don't lie about it. What is MB all about if not HONESTY...


I truely believe that you are insecure and afaid that H will leave you, cause he is all about the money, isn't he? I remember you posting that your FWS said he was never broke when you two were separated. Well, HELLO, it wasn't like he was supporting his Family at the time.

Your h is in withdrawl and treating you like crap. You are walking around on eggshells and had a knee-jerk reation, and so you lied. NOT healthy.

I am sooo sorry you were too scared to be honest with your FWS. It has got to be tough.

Just follow God girl, you cannot go wrong. Thou shalt not bear falsse witness.

Praying for your H's understanding. I hope he gets off the alien thing soon.

After all, you had to take time off work because you basically had a nervous breakdown over the affair. And your job didn't get it. You got canceled. Sorry Caren. Been there.(((((HUGS)))))

Just be honest, and if your spouse wants to know why, just tell him the truth.

Which is:

You didn't ask for the A.
It happened, for the SECOND time and you fell apart which resulted in the loss of your job. Not good on FWS. You did not ask for this. I hope you have, however, learned to step back and not react, call names, etc.

I know how hard you are trying. YOU ARE WORTHY. Keep up the good work, keep reading your Bible, God has something much better for you.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Thank you all for your concern and support, I do appreciate it.

I just finished typing a big long post, and when I went to hit the button to post it, my computer had some spooling error and crashed.....yippee.

I did tell my husband, not last night, but this morning, and he is pretty upset about it, he's not screaming and yelling, but he isn't happy. He didn't beat me up about it, but he didn't exactly support me either.

I tried really hard to get him to *lead*, but I fear I may be following that parked car you were talking about Mortar.....and the sad thing is, I unwittingly wrecked that car, and that's why it's parked. I have belittled him for so long, thinking that I was superior because I had a better education, and disrespected him for so long....his opinion counted for nothing with me.

I know you guys are here to support me, and I don't think I'm a terrible person, not by a long shot....I love me, I think I rock......BUT, I'm actually very judgemental...this whole softer side has only come in the aftermath of the *A*, I am usually pretty brutal. I have seen the error of my ways, and I'm trying to correct them, but I'm not a saint by any stretch of the imagination.

I gave my FWH zero credit before the *A*, I treated him more like one of my kids, than like a partner. I gave his suggestions and input a passing thought, and then almost always decided I was right and he was wrong. When he would attempt to discipline the kids, I was right there to tell him he couldn't.....he never attempted to spank them or anything, I wouldn't let him ground them, or put them in time out, I overruled what he said 90% of the time, and when I did actually let something he decided stand, it was really only a show for him, as soon as he went to work, I let the kids do the very thing he'd just grounded them from.

The weird thing about it is that I loved him so much, the entire time I was doing all of this.........THIS is how my Mom raised us, she ruled the roost, what Dad said didn't matter at all, and I think I knew that wasn't right, but I was just as power trippy as she every was, and felt so superior....I've been taken down about a million pegs.

Okay, now a few things I wanted to address......

AlanK-Hi there, glad to hear from you.

David- Ugh, hospitals suck about that don't they? It doesn't make sense that doctors and nurses don't understand that people get sick, does it?

TA- You didn't offend me, I know those words could have offended someone else, but I know you, you've never gone off like that before, so I could only assume that you were taking it personally, and you were defending me, and I can appreciate that, even if I don't share your opinion.

Lemon......I am so sorry that you felt you had to stop posting to me because of what I posted to KMEJ...I don't recall the post, and it doesn't sound like me, do you happen to know the name of the post? I'd like to re-read it....I was floored when I read what you'd written.

Mortar-
Arrrrrrgh, help, so I've told him, and I've asked for his advice. I said "Honey, please help me with this" He said "I dunno what to tell you Caren......get another job" I said "I know I need to get another job, but I'd like your input, I respect your opinion" He said "You DO NOT respect my opinion, you never have" I said "No, honey, you're my husband, and I DO respect your opinion....that's why I'm asking you for it" I don't think he believes me.....I guess it's another one of those proof is in the pudding things. I've proved that I can keep the house clean, and the laundry done, and all of that, that it wasn't just a passing thing, that I have resolved to keep it this way....so maybe little by little he'll believe me.

Wow......WHY did my husband have an affair? I just can't fathom it.....I didn't clean the house, it was a stye, I picked through the dirty laundry and washed 1 load a day of stuff we needed, I didn't respect his opinion on anything, I didn't appreciate when he brought me flowers and candy (Which he did on a regular basis......and I thought it was stupid that he spent money on that). I said NO to SF more times than I said Yes. What could've happened?!?! UGH

Tiggy- I did google FMLA, I don't fit the guidelines, I've worked there 11 months, and that's like 792 hours and the guidelines are for working 1250. (I worked 3 12 hour days a week).

-Caren

What happened? You believed the lie...the same lie being told to women all over the world now. The lie that a woman must be and act like a man, otherwise she is less than a man. The exact same lie Eve fell for in the Garden. And Adam let her fall for. You see, Satan rarely changes his ways. Why? Because we fall for the same old stuff all of the time!

But dont beat yourself up. Just as getting on the housekeeping deal and now you are doing it regularly, this other stuff is just going to take time. Your husband is used to you taking over. He said it to you in that conversation...that you never respected him nor his opinion. Which you admitted as true.

Words will continue to mean little, Caren. What did it say in there about submitting? That your husband will be won without a word. By your behavior. Actions. So, now you have placed this in the arena where you have asked for his help and guidance. He doesnt believe you. So, next, you get out the want ads and clip a few out and have them on the table. When he comes home, ask him what he thinks.

Caren, keep involving him. Even when he says nothing or believes you wont listen...you keep putting it in front of him. Eventually, the walls will begin to come down. And he'll slowly start taking the reigns.

This will be a process. Slow and steady. Let God take care of him. Ask Mimi. She was very domineering also. Disrespected her husband in many ways. She realized that. When he first thought of coming home and right after he did, she kept saying she had changed. He didnt believe her. Does he believe her now, with more than two years of change under their belts? Well, I suggest you ask her...but I believe she is gonna say yes.

It will take time. Just keep plugging.

In His arms.

Mortar-

That's what I figured......more time LOL, you know I'm a fool for the quick fix.

He did call me today from work, he said "So what are you going to do today?" I said "I don't have any plans, is there anything you'd like me to do?" He said "No, I mean just clean the house" I said "I always do that, I wanted to make sure there's nothing special you wanted done." He said "No".

This afternoon he called, and DD10 always wants to answer the phone, it was FWH, but I let her answer it, he talked to her for a minute, and then she said "Do you wanna talk to Mommy?" He musta said no, because she said "Okay, I love you" and got off of the phone. I looked at her and she said "He just called to see how my day was".......so he's punishing me again......he used to do that when we were separated, he'd call and purposely not want to talk to me, I assume he thinks it will get to me, and it does a little. I think everything is some sinister plot though, so who knows. If he does the not coming home on time thing though the proverbial crap is going to hit the fan....let's hope he doesn't take it that far.

I don't have a newspaper to look at the want ads, there usually aren't many in the weekly paper, they come out on Sunday, but I have been looking around on Yahoo Hot Jobs and Monster....so I could print a few of those out for his review.

-Caren

UGH!!!! I just called him at work, to ask if he can buy some cigarettes before he comes home, he said "I dunno" I said "You don't know?" He said "No, I don't know, I'm not sure, I'll try" He's acting like he has no money. I said "You have anything good for lunch?" He said "No, I didn't eat lunch" Well he spent about 25.00 so far today on his debit card, so he's definitely gotten himself cigarettes, possibly gas and probably lunch. He doesn't know that I know the codes to his bank phone line, he's never used it, I set it up, so I KNOW.....he's being an [censored]....arrrrrrgh. I was sweet as pie.

Caren,

I think it's important, now in Recovery, to be completely HONEST with him. I know it's difficult to make that change after years of doing it differently.

Let him know that you know how much money he spent. Let him know how you know. Let him know how you feel about all of this and his responses. Don't assume. Ask him how he feels about it. Ask him why he called you today to find out what you are doing?

ABSOLUTELY NO MORE SECRECY! GET IT, CAREN?

RADICAL HONESTY ia one of the major RULES OF RECOVERY!!

OK?

My FWH really noticed when I made it evident that I changed in this direction. He tried to catch me on different things early on and I gave the honest answer each time. Now, when he is the least bit deceptive with me, it seems that he is almost embarassed.... Plus, he knows straight up that I am checking on things like money in the checking account and cell phone numbers.... LIFE AS AN OPEN BOOK....

THIS IS THE WHOLE PROBLEM HERE.................I don't really think that what Caren is in is "recovery"....I really don't. She is still being treated like a piece of $hit,,,and being lied to, and yet she is "sweet as pie"......If you are gonna call that recovery, I would hate to see what is NOT recovery...

This is a big problem IMO.


LM

lemonman,

I think that phrase "In Recovery" is a bit overused on the site in general. The affair might be finished...but that doesn't mean that there is any "recovery" going on. Recovery begins with a Plan ....a Plan that BOTH people are working on.

I fear that you are right in your analysis of Caren's situation.

committed

Caren,

I think that LM might be onto something here. It sounds like a one sided recovery. You are doing all the work. That isn't recovery at all. It takes both of you or it goes no place.

He needs to fess up and get real or it will end up the same way it was before. He needs to work at it also. JMHO.

Good prayers going your way for a new job.

HINY