Sorry this is long. MB advice needed badly. Please read.

Two years ago my husband had an EA with a co-worker. Was caught at everything...not truly forthcoming except when he had to be. He ended things immediately.

Two weeks ago I discovered that he had left a bar with someone. Supposedly to "go somewhere else". He says she suggested they go to a hotel. He claims he was surprised but went. Claims that when they got into the room he did kiss her but nothing more. He had been possibly planing to be gone overnight this particular night b/c we were having problems and he had taken some items with him in case he got a hotel (i.e. a radio, his guitar, etc.). I knew about this part of things. He called me early in the evening to say he was NOT going to stay away overnight and he'd be home later. Then he went to the bar and all of this unfolded. He did end up coming home after the "incident".

Because of his history of not being forthcoming I'm having a hard time believing that more didn't happen. He says when the got into the room and knew he could have sex with her he didn't want to any more. He had a digital camera with him (not unusual for him) and there are pictures of her with her shirt off but none with her underwear off. He claims that she asked him to take pictures of her (and admits it was his idea at first in the car) but that in the room she must have sensed that he was "stand offish" (his words) b/c she put her shirt back on. He says they talked, watched TV, drank, etc. and that eventually he told her that he "wasn't going to have sex with her". He says she asked if he was sure and he said yes, not there, not then, etc. One thing he said that makes it sound true is that he said "she must have known I was serious because she didn't pressure me." I asked why he wouldn't have at least touched her, etc. since that's obviously what he took her to the hotel for, he says that by the time they got to the room he didn't want to have sex with her and he didn't do these things because doing so would have been moving toward having sex.

Also, as sad as it is, he says if they had had sex there would have been more graphic pictures and that does seem true. He says they didn't have any lengthy "make out sessions", but kissed for about 1-2 minutes at a time.

I basically believe that he didn't have sex with her. But I'm having a lot of trouble believing that he didn't at least touch her etc. He says he didn't kiss her anywhere but on the mouth and didn't kiss her with her shirt off b/c that would have been leading to sex.

I can't move forward w/o coming to some kind of closure on this part of the issue. When he explains it to me I sort of believe him. But when I have time to think about it on my own it seems like he's still lying and that is holding me back. He wants to work on our marriage. I accept my part of the blame in this--it had been WAY too long since we had had sex and I know he was feeling terrible about himself. He had expressed this to me before the incident and we were working on it. I'm considering asking him to take a lie detector test but that seems like a major LB. Can anyone with experience cheating tell me if this story is possibly true? He is a good person and is truly sorry. But if he's still continuing to lie to me I don't want to/can't move forward. I know what I would tell any friend of mine who asked my opinion on whether or not to believe his story.

BTW, at this point I wouldn't end the marriage if he admitted he did do more with her. That's not the point. The point is that if he's still lying to me I don't want anything more to do with him.

We've been married about 10 yrs and have always had our share of probs. Affection for me and sex for him. Me saying if he treated me different I'd have sex with him. Him saying if I had sex with him it would make him more affectionate. We had recently been making things better up until he was caught at this. This "incident" happened before things were improving but he didn't get caught until a couple of months later.

What do I do about my doubt?

Oh, sweetie, if you believe this story I have some land to sell you. My H did the same thing. He admitted touching her breats with her shirt on. Please. They too were in motel rooms and he expected me to believe that load of garbage! He finally admitted that he had "f'ed that woman" while drunk. Mind you the "f" word is not used in our home so I soom realized that's what he considered it. Nasty. And it was. And he had to be drunk to get the words out. To this day he cannot bring himself to say her name. She's much like the woman your husband was involved with..bar trash.

You have the right to ask for a lie detector test but have it scheduled when you bring the subject up. You'll get the truth then.

I think it weird that he took the picture and then showed it to you. What's the deal with that? Words could not expess how insulted I would be if I were in your shoes. His excuse about the absense of more graphic pictures proving nothing more happened is laughable. How easy is it to delete pictures from a digital camera? Simple pressing of a button.

His behavior has little to do with the time span between your incidents of sex but more to do with his character. Hadn't the same about of time lapsed for you as well? Were you out finding a man to romance you? That excuse holds no water.

Being this was not the first time he has been involved with adultery, you both need to be in counseling now and he needs to be in an accountability group.

AMG,
Sorry to see you here.

How did you come to find all this out?
And does it matter whether your H had sex or not? Isn't the appearance of impropriety just as bad? Meaning, your H was in a hotel room with a girl he picked up at a bar, drinking, kissing, shirt off, shirt on. Sex or not this was a bad choice made selfishly by your H.

Like jph posted, him not being affectionate to you and you not having sex with him hasn't made you run to a bar and pick up a man to bring to a hotel to take digital pics with, nor drink, watch tv and make out, right?

Get to a MC yourself if your H won't go, but if he truly wants to save this marriage I advise him to go with you. At this point with this information...No, I wouldn't believe a word he tells you, lie detector or not.

holiday

He was somewhere, with someone that he should not have been with and that in itself is enough - that's a problem. You guys are stuck where I was with my husband, he wanted more intimate sex I wanted more from him so he didn't get what he wanted from me and so on..... Not a good place to be. You need to do the emotional needs questionnaire and then start working on meeting each other's emotional needs. Check out the marriage seminar called Weekend to Remember - awesome seminar that really helped to put things in perspective for both of us and has helped us to better communnicate our needs and understand each other and treat each other with love and respect. Life's too short to play these games, love each other now while you can. Look into some counseling but don't dwell on whether they had sex or not because truly the issue is that he was with her, not his wife.