I am posting here on the advice of a few others that have replied to my initial post. Please, to save some tears, please read it on board "Divorcing/Divorced." It's under the subject "What else?!?" Every time I go through it in my mind, when I type it out, it all seems to feel worse. I would rather not break down here, not while at work. I am as open as I can be to your support and suggestions. Of course I am, if I weren't, I wouldn't be here would I? It's just such a confusing time right now. My emotions are flooding my life, it's so hard to think of anything else. It's so embarrassing, shameful, to act this way, I'm a grown man for God's sake... If you can help me sort things out, I would appreciate it. More than you know...

Hi James,

I'm glad you made it over here.Now,give us some time and you will get more support.Do some reading,ok? Hang in there.

O

Here's a link: What Else?

Bumping up.Any input members?? He needs our help.

I cannot believe her, she calls wanting to get her stuff. She sounded like nothing was wrong, like everything was as it was before the truth. Why can't she have any feelings? How can she destroy a person and not even show or feel a bit of remorse? This is just too hard, when does it get easier? How long will I cry just at the sound of her voice? Why, how did this happen? I can't even think straight anymore.

Hi David,
I'm going to ramble for a bit, and hope that something I say helps in some small way.
Hope you're not getting tired of hearing this(!) but, your feelings are "normal."
Everything you said above, I have felt exactly, as have so many others here. It wasn't that long ago, that I remember feeling SO DAMN FRUSTRATED with myself because I couldn't figure out WHAT I was feeling, and by the time I thought I had one emotion figured out, another one took its place.

I was scared. I was afraid of what was "happening to me" and to my marriage, of course... but I was also afraid of the Pure Hell -- the constant torment, the panic, the overwhelming emotions -- I was afraid that there was something wrong with me. That I wasn't "normal." That I wasn't being "a man." That I wasn't dealing with it all correctly, appropriately...

I think it's impossible to process all the CRAP that's going thru your head all at once. That in itself -- the inability to process it all -- is an integral part of this nightmare that you're in. And please know, please try to remind yourself over and over... that what you're thinking/feeling/trying to understand... ALL of it is just part of this miserable deal -- there's NOTHING wrong with you, or with what you're feeling or not feeling, and there's NOTHING wrong with what you perceive as an inability to deal with it all. Because you ARE dealing with it, even though it sure doesn't feel like it!!

So how did I get through it? With the help of the amazing people here.

Hang in there, David... we're all with you!

Have you exposed that you know...

next step is to move in towards legal advice to protect the children being exposed to the OP...

ARK

I trusted her, I trusted her and this is what happens. It was always her big thing, that I had to trust her. I did, and then she betrayed that trust. For at least eight months she ran it into the ground. Was I just blind? I'm sure all the signs were there, why didn't I know? Why couldn't I see what was being done to me? I loved that woman so damn much and she drove my trust right through my heart. How can a person do such a thing, with not even an apology, a tear or anything. I just want to understand, I need to know. How?!?

james the best way to get out of this cycle that you are spinning in...is to make some goals that ground you...

have you confronted her with info....

you want to get her attention confront and react in the exact OPPOSITE way she expects...

go to her all emotional and how could you..and you and she can waste hours days weeks lost in the emotional uncontrollable flux...

1.
persue legal counsel on proteting those children (are they all daughters? ) they are at great risk from this OM

2.
confront her when and only when you have a plan and good steal driven control

ARK

What do all the abbreviations mean in the posts? Why do you say I need legal counsel?

About the abbreviations, thanks but I have gotten an answer in the other board I am posting to. I am feeling a bit more control now, not much, but a little more nonetheless. I guess the initial shock has started to wane. I am still feeling sick, I mean physically sick. I can't eat, my stomach just keeps rolling. Is that typical also? What's still so hard is that I cannot keep out of my mind the image of her with another. Not just sexually either, it's the thought of her lying next to him sleeping. Them being out with "their" friends, and the fact of her being married still not crossing anyone's mind. Her giving a kiss that should be mine. When will these mental pictures stop? When will it all stop? I thought I could stay composed... I guess not...

You need legal counsel asap because your children stand at great risk to being exposed to the other man and forced in to situations to play make believe that when grown up get tired of daddy...they can just go out and get a new daddy and that all they should really desire in this world is their mothers happiness...

you to need to find out in your state what legal groundings you have to protect the children from overnights with the other man...

left with him while mom runs out to the store or to work...

you need to protect and stand up for what is right....
and not hand your children over to this man...

you need to seek visitation at you house only with no other people involved.....

this is all done on a level different from reconcilliation and your and your wife's relationship...

you must not condone the invovlement of this otherman in the childrens lives..... either by agreeing to it...OR not saying anything against it....

ARK

I flat out told her they were to stay with me. She's neglected US, the kids and I, not just me. She neglected us all this time. We were lucky to see her once a month, if that much. I don't think she really wants the responsibility, it must cramp her new style or something. Anyway, she knows better than to bring him into the kids' lives. They, though still quite young, are angry with her also. They see how she's abandoned us. They have voiced their feelings as to her choices and she knows that. I am going to get custody, just to be safe, but she could never get them anyway. She is ruining her life, I talk to her mother and she even sees it. She doesn't want to work, doesn't want to be with her children, she doesn't pay bills. It leaves very little that I can imagine she would want to do, but I am not strong enough to put a voice to that, not yet.
I am listening, I want everyone to know that. I am taking in all your advice, and I appreciate all those who have taken the time to help. I can readily see how much worse for wear I would be if I were completely alone in this. I thank God for everyone here, and for my children, but I can't help but want to curse him for doing this to me and my family. I don't though, I just pray that I see some of the grander design soon. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone, no matter the case. It's just all too much, nothing justifies doing this to someone. And yet people do, I just wish I knew why.

James,

20 years from now, your children will be telling everybody what you did for them. When they get old enough to see how the world works, they will understand what you did for them, and they will never forget.

-AD

you definitely need to seek out legal boundaries...even with the issue of this not being over yet and reconcilliation a possible thing...

there is nothing to legally stop her from taking the children right now..

does she work
she should be paying support...

also who is the other man..what is his story is he taking care of her financially....

are you at risk for your wife accusing you of abuse...

has their been encounters to her to use against you and I only ask because it is a common route to goad you in to escalation then slap YOU with restraining order....

as she gets more desperate so will her acting out....

ARK

how long will that last...?

I have never laid a hand on her. I have wanted to. I won't lie about that, but never did I hit her in any way.

There is so much more there, with the other guy, than I have told here. It worries me. Even after all she has done, I still worry about her. She is a different person than I once knew. I can even define when that change started taking place, who she hang out with and what she did. I realize, from what I have found out, that I have more to offer her than anyone she knows. In so many more ways than just financially too. Knowing that, and coupled with everything else, is why I am so confused about all of this. I just can't get it to make any sense.

James, are you listening to ark? It is really important that you protect yourself legally and financially. You should not be giving her any money as it only faciliates her affair.

Secondly, does everyone except you know about the affair? It sounds her entire family knows about it and you were the last to know. Do I have that right? Is the affair already exposed to key people in your lives?

Who is this OM? Do you know if he is also married?

I am not giving any money to her, I haven't for awhile now. As for her family, they knew. I don't know for how long but that is where I found out. She has been lying to them as well, just in an opposite sense is what it seems. I believe they truly felt I knew about it. It came up with indifference, as if I should know. She was playing a sick game all the way around. If her mother knew then what she knows now, she wouldn't have kept it from me. She just wasn't bringing up a sensitive subject, one she knew(or thought she knew) was hurting me. I was the last, yes, but I don't think for a minute anyone intentionally held anything from me. She needs help, probably even more so than I.

As for the other man, I don't know too much. He's not what I would term a good person from what I do know. Even without all of this, he's not exactly the apple of her mom's eye. We are all worried about her.

Is he married? What do you know about him?

If it's the same guy she said she quit seeing a few months after we first separated, he is also separated with a couple of kids. I guess I just admitted how, and why, I am so stupid.

She started seeing someone a few months after she moved out. She came and told me about it then, it was so much better when she told me. I didn't feel this bad then. Anyway, I guess about a month later is when she told me she stopped seeing him and wanted to work on our marriage. I really think it's the same guy, that she never stopped seeing him at all. She just used me, played with me for as long as she could get away with it. How can someone do that? How could a person live with themselves?