Do we just get use to living within the confines of a dysfunctional relationship?? I think I have...I think I'm so use to his crap that I accept his rude behaviour as "typical" for him.

WH and I have it out every other week..There is always something I do or say that sets him off..Then we start talking again after a few days/weeks...

So the last 2 weeks we weren't talking - Sunday he talks alittle - just the basic crap..Dinner time rolls around - I stupidly made dinner and asked him if he was eating..Sure enough, he sat down..Well, today comes and he just leaves work and goes w/his kids for drinks/dinner - typical doesn't tell me he's going and doesn't ask if I'd like to go..though, we haven't been anywhere together in MONTHS..

What is mentally wrong w/me that I would ask him to sit and eat..or that I would even bother to make enough for him?????I should just be a B**** and eat by myself and not consider him or his feelings like he does to me...

When am I going to get it that this man is emotionally/physically gone from my life and doesn't care about me? When am I going to just eat dinner or do whatever and give no regard to him - like he does to me...

When will my heart turn to stone???

Venting here...

I think we both know that, if your M is as you have posted, it was over a LONG time ago. No husband that LOVES their spouse would do such things as your WH has doen to you.

I hope you find the courage to leave soon, because your sitch will not be getting any better...IMHO.

YOu are a strong person that is WORTHY of someone who will love you and RESPECT you...

Keep posting...I'll be looking,

Be STRONG!!

WNB

ITHURTS---I do not fully understand your story but I have been where you are and I have to say that now that I am separated, I expect nothing from stbx and it is hugely freeing.

what can you do to get distance from your wh? you are setting yourself up for repeated pain. are you still living togehter? He does not seem capable of loving and your expectations are irrational.

TW

THanks for the replies - I just wish there wasn't sooooo much at stake in filing for a D..But, I do gather strength here at this board when I read about BS that have kids and little income and yet they LEAVE..I have no baggage and financially I should be fine - I know there are many things that are "holding" me in this relationship - I can't even call it a M today...

I do believe way down deep in his heart he loves me..Really, I do..but, he's sooo far gone and has done such tremendous damage that his pride won't allow him to step back in and he doesn't want to give up the other women..I also believe that "they" hurt the person they love the most because they hurt so much themselves that they don't know how to not hurt to not be empty inside..

He has an addiction issue that he refuses to deal with.

WSnBS don't you think your WH has these same issues?? Same problem with true deep intimacy - letting down of the guard?

I know I have to let go - I'm just afraid..of being alone. I truly believed he and I would be together forever- we would grow old together and all that is shattered.

Last nite - same crap - he goes out to for dinner/drinks with his loser friend - calls me (which is unusual) and tells me what a great dinner he just had..What the hell do I care what he ate - if I wasn't enjoying the same dinner or time w/him..He's absolutely insane...then I guess they hit the strip bars since he didn't come home till 2 am..

I know - it's only gonna end when I end it..then he can tell everyone well, she left me..Forgetting to tell people how rotten a husband he became. How he mentally then physically abused me..How he hurt me because he himself is so hurt/damaged inside.

I will meet w/a new atty in June - from what I understand she's very good which may give me strength to "cut bait"..
I just know this D will be sooooo nasty that I dread starting the process - when you lived like this for 2 years knowing it's gonna get worse isn't something I'm ready to deal with emotionally. He'll agree to a D but the settlement will drag out forever..and I'll have to still work w/him at our business until I get my portion - that's not something I look forward too.Yep - I'm a conflict avoider...

As for my moving out - NO WAY...unless my attorney feels that's the right way to handle him.. If I would have filed a PFA against him - he would be the one out the door..Hindsight.,....But, he said he'd go to IC and I stupidly believed him..

Another thing that bothers me is how other perceive him. THey see what he wants them to see - THE NICE GUY...never does he let them see the deep dark secrets. Even his MOW think he's only seeing them - they don't realize they are one of many. Many people will wonder what happened - he's such a nice guy...they seemed perfect together - they made such a nice couple...What could have happened?? I just hate his level of deceipt...I'll be the crazy person in the end..and I'm not..

HUGS - all of here need U'm.....

If my posting is giving you strength, I will keep looking for you and keep writing.

As Ark told me...don't expect ANYTHING from WH, that way you won't be disappointed and angry when he continues in his selfish ways. Continue doing nice things (even for WH) is to show yourself that YOU are a good and decent person, it's not for his benefit. I am getting my arms around that and I am seeing the benefit of it...Thanks Ark!

From the sounds of it, the emotional trauma is going to be the rough part...at least you will be financially stable and no kids have to live through the impending storm.

Were I you and I had damning REAL evidence of his A's, I would make sure my attorney got it and used it to your best advantage. Once the boulder starts rolling...take NO prisoners. Remember how he has treated you...you DESERVE EVERYTHING you can get. WHo knows? He may give it to you when faced with a REAL fight that he may not win.

[color:"green"] Minor TJ - My WW is a LITTLE different in that she has not engaged in PA/EA since 2000...that DOESN'T mean that she would not have IF things had worked out. I am not naive enough to believe that.

WW has a lot of guilt/remorse, but the REAL "elephant in the room" is her binge drinking. WW MUST STOP drinking. I think she knows that, but hasn't accepted it yet. If she will not stop, I will not be married for long.

Our "clock" toward D has been ticking since April when she moved out...once 6 months pass, I can file...if I need to.
I hope I don't, but I am ready to do it...WW MUST change because she WANTS to.[/color]

Back on topic...I saw your response to the "attractive older women" thread...there are a few of us BH "DILF's" out there who are decent men and know how to treat women with repect. Ha ha. You are a GOOD person who has a LOT to offer a GOOD man.

I hope you can soon find the strength for the battle so you can go out and live YOUR life.

YOur unrepentant WH will pay for his abuse...karmic justice seems to always even things out. Look at me...I am a FWH who is now a BH and hopefully will stay M'ed to a FWW.

Chin up...stay strong...

WNB

BTW, are you doing ANYTHING you really enjoy? Go to a spa, get a massage, drink coffee at a cafe on a nice day...treat yourself to good things.

First let me say - THANKS for staying w/me here...and helping me thru this turmoil.

Wh just stopped in my office - to ask why I was more unfriendly than normal to his D today..Please..there are days I can barely function and I'm supposed to go out of my way to be "nice" to a girl that has stabbed me in the back more times than I can count. A SD that helps her father to cheat - that is best friends with his MOW (that works for us)..WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU PEOPLE THINKING..THAT I AM A LIFE SIZE DOORMAT.

I just told him - that I am not doing anything different - he says she's not nice to me since my parents aren't nice to him...WHAT THE HECK - DOES THIS MAN EXPECT FROM PEOPLE..SHOULD MY FATHER ACCEPT A MAN THAT BECAME PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE TO HIS DAUGHTER..THAT TREATS HER LIKE GARBAGE - My father has more pride/dignity than to turn the other cheek so easily.He shuts my WH out like my WH shut him out 2 years ago.

He also said we can't go on like this and "it's all your fault" for telling everyone....this would have been over long ago...Please I begged, pleaded, etc. for months before I exposed him..When he wouldn't stop his womanizing - I exposed hoping our friends could talk some sense into him.
THIS IS NOT MY FAULT..When confronted he should have STOPPED..SHOWED REMORSE - BUT NO..he became WORSE..

I told him I would handle getting it over with..By contacting my attorney..He told me again --- If I expect to get 1/2 of everything - knowing that I came w/very little (yeah, like he had soooo much) yes, he was earning more of an income and had a year old house with yes a mortage, but he surely wasn't in the financial position we are in now. He claims this will go on FOREVER....No it will not....the courts will not allow him to drag the settlement out forever..And yes, I do want 1/2 if not more of everything..For what he has done to me - for me giving up my position in our business - what I should live on the streets like a dog..He should be man enough to see the damage and be happy to split things fairly. He should be happy to PAY FOR HIS SINS...Why should I pay for his sins?


I stoppped expecting anything from him emotionally awhile ago - empty people can't give of themselves. Really though, I do nothing for him..If I do something like making dinner it's not appreciated and when I was in LALA land not knowing of his many A's - he was still having them. So I'm done do anything - good, bad or evil..

I do not have much real proof..and in my state you really have to have a case for filing adultry reasons. Mostly, they do No Fault..This man is good at covering his tracks..Damn phone cards can't be tracked...

The new attorney is supposed to be very good - heck at $425.00 an hr. she better be....hahhahha

I believe my WH is already paying for what he's done to me and the many OW he's deceived. He rarely sleeps and looks like hell and drinks like a fish so he's starting to pay. Karma is in place...Maybe I should video my first after D sexual encounter...mail it to him...and let him see that big smile on my face...that would rock his boat..

Like your WW my WH drinks way too much..it's not bad enough the lies, deceit they have to be drunks on top of that...

And I am doing things I enjoy...I just charge it....and it brings me happiness. yes, I'd prefer to spend alittle more time out meeting people but my schedule is busy but, when I get time I go and no I don't wear my wedding ring anymore..Let the chips fall...

Thanks again for being here for me...

HUGS

Divorce is emotional and I'm sorry that you are hurting right now. What you have to keep in mind is that right now you are focusing on the property settlement which is BUSINESS! Find out what you are entitled to and then go for what your fair share is supposed to be. Adultery doesn't often figure into divorce cases in court unless you are applying for alimony or a bigger than 50% settlement.

It will be much cheaper in the end to find out what you are entitled to then to calmly point out to your wh how money he will lose fighting in court for what they will give you anyway and why not just settle.

Sunny

I've got your back... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

At this point, I would be vague and evasive in any contact with him. No point in adding needless emotional drama to your life.

I ESPECIALLY would not be talking about ANYTHING having to do with the impending D or ANY settlement issues. Let your "Land SHark" attorney do that...they are really good at it. Most states equitably split marital property, so you SHOULD be OK in that regard.

Minor TJ - see my latest thread update...it explains my latest. You and I both seem to be heading to decisive points in our lives.

Be strong... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

WNB

Your right - I need to realize that no matter what I want to take from the marital home it's gonna be an issue..So why bother stiring the pot too soon.

Having a business will take quite a bit of time to find out what I should be asking for. I'm not even sure the true $$ value of our business - but, it's up there..
After filing the attorneys agree on which forensic accounting firm to use and it goes from there. He can try and block that - but, a good attorney will continue to force the issue of getting the ball rolling.

He hasn't a clue as to how much is involved when you own a business from taxes, bank records, licenses, etc. There will be a huge amount of change that will be necessary to buy me out. It won't be what he thinks - here's a check - go away...

Since he's telling me I won't give me 1/2 he already knows that I'm ENTITLED to 1/2...and the only way to keep me from getting it is to NOT SETTLE..

From what I understand - if he refuses to settle easily and drags it out -

We can be divorced and still live in the same home (won't that be fun)
I can still work at the company - since I legally own 40% of it
If we are divorced I can then draw a higher salary from the company since I would fall under "partner" rather than "wife" for tax purposes
I can have a boy toy then and he can't do a thing about it..


Gez - isn't divorce fun..We should be having the time of our lives yet we are BOTH miserable..But, hey he sneaks off to strip bars or seedy hotel for his fix..I think a shrink would be the better choice. LOL

I couldnt' find your lastest post - about your current situation - where is it????

HUGS

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...1&fpart=all

IC told her she needs to make a choice about drinking...she's coming to terms with it and I think she'll make the correct choice. If not, I am gone...

She had said, before her IC appt, that if IC told her she needed AA, she would do it, but it would be tough. She's not an alcoholis in the "traditional" sense, but her binge drinking has gotten her in near-trouble more than once...drove drunk two weeks ago, couldn't remember HOW she got in her car! She's been lucky so far, but her solution to driving drunk of taking cabs (twice since the "blackout" time) home is only the partial solution...her drinking is the PROBLEM!

Couple that with some (my perception) self-esteem problems and she's a Poster child for meangingless and numerous A's.

I guess dropping trou' for three different men (one of whom she can't even remember his NAME!!) was a lot easier! OOPS! I thought I had the EVIL WNB locked up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Anyhoo, I am going to let her lead any R discussions tonight and keep myself vague and not push her in any way. She has to come to grips with this herself and make the decision herself. I can only control me and my life...no one else's.

She's a wonderful person, but she must WANT help, GET help and show improvement because I am not going to hang around for her eventual "crash and burn".