I am a newbie. I’ll share my story, but please skip to the end if you only want to read my question.
I have been married for 10 years and I love my wife dearly. 3 years ago my wife had a one night affair when she was in Bermuda followed by 6 weeks of intense phone conversations. (OM lives on the other side of the country.) She told me about the phone affair and we went to counseling for two months. We eventually stopped going to therapy and we never talked about the phone calls again. I was always anxious when she was away from home but I never shared that with her since I believed it was my issue.
Well, a week ago she was away from home and I was becoming increasingly anxious so I downloaded her cell phone records for the past 6 months and noticed that she had been making calls to the OM. I found this site as I was deciding what I should do. I chose to confront my wife and demand total honesty. She completely broke down and shared with me that she had continued to maintain phone contact with the OM over the three years.
After several more days of talking, she shared the full story. During her of her first contact with the OM they spent the night together alone on a beach and they came very close to having sex. She also told me that after a year of phone conversations they met once out-of-state to say goodbye but ended up spending the night together. They began to have sex but the OM pulled away when he, realized what he was doing. (The OM is married too.)
After that visit, they broke things off for close to a year to give their respective marriages a chance. Eventually the phone calls began again and in March they made plans to meet again on a business trip to Florida, where the OM lives, but decided to call it off. They have not spoken to each other since that time.
QUESTION: I am utterly devastated but it is also very strange. Given how emotional we were on D-day and given the fact that this huge secret is now out in the open I feel confused. I feel deeply wounded by my wife but at the same time I have not felt this close to her in years. We have had hours of intense emotional conversations about our marriage. But there is this huge tug of war going on for me. I feel more sexually attracted to her than I have in a long time but as soon as we start to make love I feel light-headed and can't continue.
And why is my wife now more affectionate and loving than she has been in years? Why do I feel this intense conflict? How can I feel so strongly attracted and nauseated at the same time? Is it normal to feel both close and betrayed?
Please help.
