Boy, since you put it that way, maybe we are moving fast. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I don't know, hell, I haven't dated in 12 years so maybe things have changed.

Deep Voiced Announcer: "Let's play "Pick a New MATE!", brought to you by Marriage Builders, the better marriage building web site. . . and here's Wink!"

Wink Martindale:"Glad to see everyone smiling today, as today can be your lucky day. LGO, I have 30 doors for you to pick from, behind one is your perfect mate. . . please pick your door number!"

LGO: Door number 15!

Wink Martindale: "Ok, LGO, i am going to open doors numbers 1 through 14, and doors 16 through 19, and doors 21 through 30. all these open doors have 75 year old great grandmothers in wheelchairs. . . Door number 20 remains closed, [color:"red"] DO YOU WANT TO SWITCH? [/color] "

LGO: your answer?

wiftty

I'm just going to make a comment here - and for the record, I have no idea about how I stand on 'dating' or 'seeing' other people soon after a divorce. I am battling with the same idea right now.

However, any time that someone 'makes you feel' euphoric/good/happy/loved/wanted/attractive/etc then IMVHO you are NOT ready to be dating.

One of the things I learned from my A is that only I can be responsible for my happiness, self confidence, self image. The moment I rely on another for that, then I am putting myself at risk.

Now here's my crux. I don't necessarily need the physical touch of another person. But I do enjoy it. I have met a gentleman that I am not emotionally attached to (and from our different personalities, and the fact that our emotional experience differs so greatly), do not believe that either of us could be emotionally attached. In addition, I am extremely guarded with respect to that. I DO NOT want a serious relationship now because I am not ready, and am not finished grieving my marriage.

But, is it possible to go out with this person, and allow some physical aspect.....without expecting it to lead to marriage. AKA if I am not emotionally attached, then is it a rebound relationship?

What does it matter what you call it? I think you're splitting hairs.

The question of the day is: When is a rebound relationship NOT a rebound relationship?

One answer might be.... Drum roll please.... when it doesn't fall apart and one day you realize it's the real thing.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> touche!

L.I.T., are you talking about a friendship 'with benefits'? If you are then my answer would have to be a maybe leaning heavily towards no. But if you do make the decision to experiment with a FWB [friendship with benefits] then you'd be wise to insist that there MUST be well established and mutually agreed upon rules before proceeding with such a relationship, rules such as:

1. Clear, constant and unambiguous communication ALL the time [i.e. the relationship is NOT exclusive, and that it will be immediately terminated with NC [no contact] once there is the establishment of an exclusive relationship by one or both with a third party].

2. Purposefully distancing the number of physical encounters with one another [i.e. once or twice a month] to avoid an emotional attachment from developing.

3. Mutually agree not to participate in ANY non-sexual oriented activities which can help start the developing an emotional ties with one another.

Will these rules guarantee that there won't be any emotional attachment? Of course not but couple those rules with circuit breakers such as constant vigilance and a willingness to terminate the FWB, then it is possible to avoid emotional attachment.

TMCM

wifty, point taken. But what if the "rebound" person is the real deal?

Then I guess it would be like deja vu said.

I haven't read others' comments, so perhaps what I have to say will be a repeat, but here it goes, anyhow. I do believe that your first relationship will likely be a doomed "rebound", HOWEVER it can be very comforting and healing.

I was lucky, perhaps, in that my first relationship, 6 months after I filed for divorce, was with someone who was also divorcing. We were best friends. We were lovers. And we really knew what the other was going through. We cried in each other's arms. Neither one of us was really good at being alone. And we agreed that we would take one day at a time. We were both hurting.

I can honestly say that those 2.5 years were among the happiest in my life. But I knew it would end. And it did. And it hurt like hell. Worse than loosing my XH because I still loved this man. But we wanted different things. It was still good and I have no regrets. That man, my healing relationship, taught me that I could love again. A year after I got over him, I did fall again. This time it was "for good". And the rest is history.


Mrs. W8ing

W8ing,
Your post touched me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I guess 'cuz I feel like I can relate. The relationship with my BF the last 2.5 years seems very similar. Not exactly, but similar. I can't match the words you used, so that's why it touched me. Thanks for posting.

hugs,

LGO,

you are not thinking rationally, but thinking dramatically, or hopefully, or wishfully.

IF it is, you are extremely lucky. . . in my example, being right is a 1 in 30, or 3% chance on the first one. . . and after going through all the other 28, the last one is a 1 in 2 or 50% chance. . . which one do you think will give you better odds?

But the more important issue is that in order for your #1 to work out, you must have done some pretty long and hard work on relationship understanding, so that you can pick out that one easily and confidently. . ..

never under-estimate the seductive power of randomness

wiftty

I had my own rebound relationship. In the midst of it, I knew - even then - that it was that and no more. Was I glad when it was over...? I think so, in a bittersweet way. Was it healing for me? Oh, yes. Could it ever have been the real thing....NOPE!

BTW, Hi, Faith. I was thinking about you the other day.

I've been wanting to add to this, but finally got my login problems figured out. (thanks, Tempest!!)

Wouldn't it be accurate that the first relationship anybody has after D is rebound? Regardless if it is months or years after D?

I am rebounding. And right now I"m enjoying it. I have been divorced for just a few weeks (some of you may remember me from last summer and fall). I started seeing a man just before it was final, even though I had not planned on doing any dating until afterwards.

Anyway, he has been divorced much longer than me, but has not dated much. So he is rebounding also. And I think he is enjoying it also.

We have not had any type of "R" talk as of yet, and I don't want to. I just want to enjoy his company, which I do tremendously. And things are also moving along physically, which I am also enjoying (no SF yet)

So do I need to be careful?? I think I am prepared for whichever way this plays out. For now, we seem to really enjoy being together and talking. We are not discussing anything having to do with our relationship.

Question for the guys- I know girls tend to want to talk about the relationship and try to define it. Do men want/need to do this also at this point in their lives?

CM

i guess that i am rebounding also and it is good and bad....just like regular non rebounding relationships....

i tend to want to define what i want out of a relationship with partner so that we are on the same page....i dont want to waste anyones time ...

i was (am) hurt terribly by ex and i dont want that to happen again , at least not due to someone knowing what the expectations are....

let it play out...if it works ,great...if not,great....it ia the same if this is the first or fifth relationship since D...

i think that you should discuss what you two want and expect from each other....

good luck

I think it is good to try and define the relationship, but not to quickly or to precisely. For a while, must enjoy dating each other. My fear is that if I push the relationship to early she will think I am getting overly serious and take off! The few women I have dated have all been divorced for many years, usually more than 10. So they are very independent and don't want to be tied down to early. Sometimes I wish I could find a female who has been divorced for about a year. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Justin, is not about independent women. It is about motivated women (or men too). Many women are players (just like guys), they really don't seek committment, they just seek a companion (and or safe sex), often even content just to date (with benefits), or cohabitate..but if marrying making it clear you must accomodate their agenda. They have no intention of making the relationship the priority, they still just want to do what they want to do, so are not worthy (if you seek more). A motivated woman (or man) who seeks a committed type marital relationship has a different perspective, they are clearly motivated and willing to become a couple, and make the changes one must make to do so, which means spending a lot less time doing "single" stuff (hanging out with her friends, pursuing hobbies, work goals, excessive time with her kids and relatives).. building a couple relationship using MB principles instead with you.

I think you were kidding, but dating a needy woman is not the best strategy for finding a healthy mate. Make your intentions known fairly early on, and if you don't get a positive/affirmative response (meaning the woman seeks the same), move on, she is a player (so to speak). Mature, healthy people are able to clearly and honestly (you have to try and discern that though, lying and denial are far more common than honesty and openess), communicate their intentions. I was surprised in the dating world, thought sure women want to get married, have deep relationships...boy was I mistaken, they all (mostly) want a man, but many only as an accessory to their full lives, and they have no intention of giving anything up. Is no different than men (mostly) want a woman, but many primarily for the convienience of easy sex, and share expenses, chores and such. But I have found women, who are strong and independent (which are desireable qualities), who choose (if they can find the right guy) to live as a wife, in a deep intimate couple relationship. You will find them too, just make sure you know what to look for. One of the best ways to tell early on is how much effort she is making to put you into her life, if not much you got a renter, not a buyer..move on.

Some will argue so what? And women have been downtrodden, and in bad relationships, so are skittish..blah blah blah. That may all be true, the reasons are unimportant though, if you seek a buyer, don't waste time on renters.

perfectly said knight.....
i seem to be getting the tire kickers myself that want a dinner and movie every couple of night but othing else....still looking

I think I am rebounding. I am a bit scared. I think I am falling for this woman, and see that she is not falling for me as hard as I am for her. I have the suspicion that it is because she is filling a void in my life and tell myself that everyday, but I can't help but want to spend all my free time with her.

Any suggestions? Do I force myself to back away? Do I just go with the flow and enjoy her company?

have you talked with her about what she wants out of this?...are you prepared to handle the answer either way?...

moving on, if you are falling for someone you barely know that is a problem...with you. Could be rebound, could be needy, could be lot of things, none of them good. You need to figure that out before you are a good prospect for someone else. Dating is only partly about feelings, feelings tend to make one pursue (or quit) to fast, you need to learn dating skills, which essentially means focusing on communicateing, having fun, and controlling your emotions...and taking time to develop ever closer emotionally/psychological connections...that is getting physical quickly is so stupid, you will never know someone after that.