Ok, my story: The revelations began a couple of weeks ago. My husband told me that he had feelings for another woman - the wife of his best friend - and of which, we were supposedly all good friends. We frequently went out to eat together, had game nights, and went camping together recently. While we were camping my H and OW got into a deep emotional conversation - I believe were comparing inefficiencies in their marriages, and ended up kissing and revealing that they had feelings for each other. Only, at first, my H and OW woman told both of us spouses that they didn't kiss - wanted to, but didn't.

Well, since then my husband has decided to be completely honest, and has written me a series of 3 letters try explain what was going on and be radically honest about his past. He explained to me that he was sorry he hurt me - knows I deserve better - but realizes he has some issues to work on - specific to him. I have since found out that he had a one night affair last summer while away on travel, and - in the last letter - that he had some kind of on-going physical affair (supposedly by a coworker that used to pursue him - that he had no physical attraction to, but let her do sexual things to him) that began before our marriage and continued during our marriage until we moved out of state. And, since we've moved, he's been frequenting pornogrography (which I didn't *think* was such an issue), been talking in chat rooms, and has had phone sex with some stranger. ARRGHHH!!!! It makes me so sick and hurt!! How could I have been so blind?! I don't know.

So, anyway, after his confession, he has moved out - his decision - is planning on 'not seeing anyone' (well, I'll see him a little when he has to drop off my car tomorrow, and his brother visits from out of town Thursday), and he'll see his friend - who amazingly is ok with this. The friend and his wife have separated, but are still living in the same house - and he's apparantly ok with her pursuing her feelings for my husband.

My H has admitted that he most likely has a sexual addiction and has decided to seek counseling on this. But, he also is not sure about this other woman - he's thinking it may be 'true love' (GAG!) - and may pursue that. He's also not sure about us. He says he knows we have/had a wonderful marriage (in the respect that we always treated other well - aside from his affairs and indiscretions). We had something special - I thought - and others often remarked on how we seemed to 'fit' and got along so well. Now he says he loves me, but not sure he's 'in love' with me, and has decided to get an apartment by himself for the summer while he works on himself. He states that he's not sure he can change, or that he really wants to change. Says he likes being in a marriage, but is not sure he can be in a marriage.

Even thought this is incredibly painful, and I wonder if I should even stay with him - knowing he has been unfaithful from the start, I appreciate him finally trying to be honest with me. He has set up a counseling appointment for 06/02/05, and he's agreed for us to pursue marriage counseling by getting together and calling some counselors together after his first session (this was partly due to my persistence because I felt I needed it).

So, my question to you all is, What do I do next? I think I've handled this well by trying to be understanding and willing to work with him on this - maybe even too understanding - I don't know. I'm in such a state of shock and sadness... I feel sad that he's moved out of the house and has not yet even wanted to end this thing with the other woman (although he says he's planning not to see her this week - he is weak, though). Am I doing the right thing? Is there anything else I can be doing (I'm reading all I can on the MB site, and have ordered the "Surviving Infidelity" book)? I don't want to be a doormat, but I also don't want to just throw in the towel after 7 years, either.

I'm willing to admit I wasn't meeting all of his needs - yes, obviously sex was one of them. But, how do I handle this knowing he has issues with sexual addiction?

I just really don't know what a healthy way is for me to approach this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> And I'm having trouble piecing it all together on the site. I've read a lot already, and I think it's starting to come out my ears... Help, please!

SSJ, welcome to MB. So sorry for all you are going through. It is a good sign IMHO that your WH is confessing. Start here by reading WATS quickstartguideline for newly betrayed spouses
Then, get hold of a copy of Surviving An Affair or Torn Assunder. Get yourself into plan A and be prepared for a rocky ride.

SS, I am sure sorry you are here, but I have to ask you an important question that I hope you are asking yourself: does your H believe in monogamy? It appears that he has never been faithful the entire time you have been married. So that leads me to my next question, even if you successfully got him back from this affair, who is to say he wouldn't meet another "real love" next month if he doesn't feel he is obliged to be faithful in a committed marriage?

It seems to me that there are much bigger issues here than just an affair, but a lack of committment to the fidelity that is required to maintain a marriage. Does he feel entitled to pursue other women and sexual interests? Because that attitude is not compatible with marriage.

I would also caution you about marriage counselors and advise you to be very selective. Most MC are NOT pro-marriage at all. They are pro-whateverfeelsgood and won't hesitate to throw your marriage under the bus if one of the partner "feels" like it. Please be very wary.

Hi SSJ, when I first came to this site, I was unable to process most of the information. There is so much. When a person is under a lot of stress, the brain just doesn't function the same way. Personally, during the early days, sometimes even now, I was forgeting or losing everything. You are not your right self.

WAT's guide is great. One of the sad truths you will learn is that wayward spouses (WS) all say the exact same things. They love you but aren't in love with you. You, the betrayed spouse (BS), deserve something better than them. They need to work things out. They have never been happy. So many of the things that your H says sound exactly like my WH. There are many, many clones of my WH on this board. They all have had a personality transplant. Some BS like to say that aliens have abducted their S. All WS rewrite history. And I guess your WH is literally rewriting history through his letters. He must have a powerful need to get it off his chest. Is he purging it or is he proud of it? Learn about the concept of FOG.

Remember that the man you love has checked out. Someone else has taken his place. Not too long ago, I spent an entire day in tears after a dinner with my WH. I realized that while he looked like my H, when he opened his mouth, he was really somebody else.

This is the best place for you to be. In the six months since our D-Day, I would have gone mad without the MB forum people. Since all WS act the same, some of the folks here can tell you what your WH will do BEFORE he even does it.

Good luck and try to do something nice for yourself.

Good question. Yes, I admit there are bigger issues here - his addiction, and being unfaithful from the beginning. That's why I'm here. That's also why he is going to counseling. He's always 'acted' like he wanted monogamy - from me and himself. We even had very open and in-depth conversations about them, but finished them with us remaining true to each other ('true', yeah, like he knows what that means). I think that's one reason I was so blind-sided. I never even thought that he'd been acting outside of that. He knows it's wrong and feels terribly about hurting me. He says he's scared and confused - doesn't know himself right now - or what he wants. He said that he thought (when we got married) that he was in love, and that he could be faithful. Now he has 'fessed up to himself that he was wrong, and is not sure he even knows what love is.


I wouldn't say that he feels entitled to pursue other women. It's just now that he's had this EA with the OW, it made him open his eyes and admit something was wrong.


I'll try. I really want to do what's right for both of us. I would love for this marriage to work, but I feel the odds may be stacked against us. I'm willing to give it my all, if he is, but he can't do that right now. And, I certainly don't want to sign myself up to be a doormat for the rest of my life - and for him to continue walking all over me.

The thing is, part of me is still hopeful because he confessed all this to me without me asking. I know it was hard for him, and I have seen him accomplish some amazing things (travel around the world, currently getting his Ph.D) - usually when he commits to something he achieves it. Although he says he knows he's had a problem since he was 14 with being sexually promiscuous. I know that won't be an easy thing to change. And, neither one of us knows yet whether I'm going to be in that picture of what he wants out of life for himself.... It hurts.

For me, the make or break question: Do you have any children with him?

No, we don't have any children? Does that mean it's not worth trying?

Only you can assign the worth to it.

My MB name isn't "worthatry" for nuthin'. What I read in your description has similarities to my own story - and I concluded it was worth a try. My wife's OM was the husband of her best friend and our neighbors just 4 houses away. Our kids were also best friends. It gets uglier from there, but that's not relevant to your sitch.

It takes crazy people to rationalize behavior like this and currently in my story two familes have been destroyed and two infidels are married. I have since learned that both infidels have serious socialization issues that all but guaranteed that no matter what I could do, they were not to be cured.

Sure, the fact that your H confessed is significant - unless it's not. How do you know that he did it solely from some moral position and not because you were about to find out some other way?

Throw in prior infidelity and porn and he casts the shadow of a really disturbed man or one of scarce integrity - issues that infidelity strategies here cannot combat.

You're young, in a relatively short relationship, and no kids. Not all marriages should be saved and maybe yours is an example. Take away the attributes of his affair being with his best friend's wife, the prior betrayals, and the porn - you're right back in the "garden variety" and recovery is a good risk, even without the confession and without kids.

Of course, this is based on precious little info from you and info you haven't provided could easily tip my personal scale. Please consider the thoughts of all others.

WAT

About two things you wrote.

He is planning on 'not seeing anyone'.

He has decided to get an apartment by himself for the summer while he works on himself.

Absolute B.S.

He'll have OW over there before he unpacks his toothbrush.

GC