i know i'm not the only one that's gone through this..but i feel like i am..i'm completely devastated. My husband, the man i've been with since i was 19, the man i've loved for 21 yrs walked out on us 4 days ago. When i met him, he had just been dumped by his girlfriend with whom he'd had a child with, that relationship lasted a yr and a half. Then he met me and for 21 yrs we built a life together, married, had 4 children. Six months ago he was in a terrible car accident and was laid up, couldn't work and i took care of him til he was on his feet again. but, the bills started piling up, hardly any money coming in and i could see lately that he was getting very depressed, worried about money and supporting his family. I tried as always to be supportive, telling him as we always told each other that things would work out, it would just take time. But last week, monday to be exact he came home after he had been drinking, something he rarely did, in the days following i noticed he had been drinking more often. On Thursday he kissed me, told me he loved me, as he always did before he left to go somewhere and didn't return til the next morning. i wasn't worried, i trusted him, but he was acting very strange. After the kids left for school he told me he had been with someone and that he thinks he still loves her. It's the woman he was with before he and i started seeing each other. He gave me that old line "i love you, but i'm not IN love with you"..said he wanted her, that he'd always deep down loved her. In order to completely understand the situation..i need to explain a bit about her. when she left him over 20 yrs ago, she was always running around on him. this being a small town..everyone knows everyone else..we'd always heard the stories. She's always been known as a 'user'..get a man..after a while..dump him. she had 3 children by 3 different men..and everytime she contacted my husband she always brought up money and how he 'owed' her. My husband, or anyone else that knew her..never had a good thing to say about her, so where she was concerned, i wasn't worried in the least that he'd have anything to do with her.
But now, literally in the matter of 2 days, he had talked with her and decided that he still had feelings for her and he wasn't in love with me anymore. I just don't know if it's the fact that he was extremely depressed because of the accident, the bills piling up and he wasn't able to do anything about them or if he's really in love with this woman...i can't deal with it and my children are devestated. I just don't know how to make him realize what he's giving up. Literally every other day he'd always tell me "i've got everything at home, why would i look anywhere else?"..in fact..he had said that to me less than a week before he left me..i just don't understand why he did this!!

Lostinmin, he's not in love with her but the idea of being in love and basically he's trying to escape. Personally given her history, I don't think it will be long before he realizes that he has not future with her. You need to just Plan A, seek God. What he fails to realize right now is that his form of escape is not going to allow him to escape from his financial obligations to his children. After 2 mnths or so of my husband being gone and his cleaning out his check and some of mine from our account. I started to hold him responsible to pay his 17% of child support (according to NY State law). He quickly realized what his choice was going to cost him and that he was not going to be able to lavish her with money but that he would be dependent on her for money. I'm not suggesting you do this since clearly he's trying to run away because of the financial issue but just Plan A and seek God's guidance and pray, pray, pray. Pray that your husband come back to his senses and then you guys put a plan together to help get yourselves back on track financially. I'm sorry you are going through this. Hold on to hope.

thank you pain and faith..you just don't know how much your advice means to me. I was thinking that once she got tired of him being broke all the time, she'd dump him..but, a friend of his has been trying to get a well drilling business started for the past few months..and my husband informed me that he's going back to Mpls (we moved 200 miles away from Mpls) tomorrow so they can start drilling these wells..this is something he and i have been waiting for, planning for..our plan before he left was to get move just as soon as school was out back to Mpls so they could start drilling wells..and the money he'd be making is unreal...We'd basically be home free..our dream..not having to worry about money again and so on.
You're absolutely right..given her history..normally she would have dumped him after a while, but i'm thinking now she realizes how much money he'll have coming in and she'll do and say anything to keep him. i just don't know how to compete with her.
I NEED to know from anyone who's left their spouse for someone..is it actually possible to be in love one day with someone you've been committed to for 20 yrs and not 'in love' with them the next? because our relationship never changed..he still up until the day before he left..held my hand, kissed me, told me he loved me

Hello LostInMn,

Welcome to MB.

I am sorry to hear about your marital problems but they are not unique,sad to say.It's amazing how many people are struggling out there and looking for love and answers in all the wrong places.

I agree with pain and faith in that I think your WH(wayward husband)is trying to escape his pain and responsibilities right now.Of course his actions do not sound logical at all.He wants to go back to a woman who used him and left him and forgo the marriage and family he had with you for so long.Doesn't make any sense but then it never does with cheating.It's all about your WH and his issues,his problems and fears that are boiling at the surface and he is not handling them too well.We have all seen it time and time again and we have heard the same lines.One week before I found out about my WH cheating he was telling me how much he loved me too.

You cannot make your WH realize what he is giving up nor can you "teach" him.What you have to do now Lost is have a plan with how to deal with all of this and take care of you and those beautiful kids in the process.No easy task for sure.

So,what we usually recommend is:

1) Counseling.If you cannot get your WH to go along with you since things have become very serious here,then go alone.It is very important to speak to a Professional about what is going on and one that is PRO marriage ok? Not someone who thinks cheating is ok or that walking out on marriage is fine without any time and work put into it first.

2) Read up on all the concepts here,especially Plan A and check out our bookstore here at MB for some great reads.Important books for you to consider and that we always suggest are SAA(Surviving an Affair) ,HNHN(His Needs,Her Needs) by Dr.Harley; I loved "NOT Just Friends" by Shirley Glass; and another is "Tough Love" by Dr.James Dobson.Of course there are many more but those are good starters.

3) Is this OW(other woman) married now? If so,you must expose this to the husband.if there is no husband,then family exposure could help too if you know who they are and where they can be contacted.Its important to realize that the more this A(affair) is exposed,the less likely it will flourish.You want to tell/expose to anyone you might think will influence the two of them to stop what they are doing.Of course this doesn't always work but it can work,it's worth the time.

4) AD's(Antidepressants).If you find that you are unable to function during the day and take care of your kids;cannot sleep or eat properly and have wild emotional swings,then do consider talking to your doctor about taking them in this initial stage.Some people are afraid just to say the word let alone use them but I can perosnally say they really helped me get through the first several months to take care of my kids and get out of bed.Many of us have taken them and I had no side effects.You also do not need to take them forever but Infidelity is a major trauma to endure.Don't think you can do it alone.

5) Read and post here and then one day you could consider coming over to the GQII board where there is more traffic.

6) ** PROTECT your self financially.If your WH is out of work,do NOT let him have access to your money right now because he is NOT trustworthy and can ruin you financially.You do not want to finance his A.Get a seperate account and maybe move any assets you have so he cannot drain the savings or worse.

There is a lot more to cover so take your time and get to know how the board works and how other's are coping.We are here to help.Also,get a profile.

O

Octobergirl...thank you..i'm so glad i found a site like this..i have alot of support from his family and mine..but my family is at the "bashing" him stage right now, and sometimes i just need advice, not sit and listen to them tear him apart, which i do realize is normal. I made this man and my kids my whole life, that's all i've been..a wife and mother..and i was proud of it. I just don't know where to go from here, i've depended on him so long.

ok..i read plan A..so when my oldest daughter met him today to get some money from him..she told him i thought we should talk..Alone! no distractions, no kids, just he and i. Of course he told her he doesn't want to talk to me, he told me everything he wanted to say already..and now..he's saying it's been coming for years and he's actually picking things to blame me for, and was getting very defensive with her. She said "mom, you should see the look on his face, it's like he's not even there"..anyhow, he told her he'd be at his dad's alone tomorrow if i wanted to go out there even though in his opinion we have nothing to talk about. Is it too early for plan A? what do i do once i get out there?????????

Hi again,

Glad you are still with us.

Like you,I was with my WH since I was a teen.Several of us here were as well.Long marriages and long friendships with kids,homes,pets,the "picture perfect" families many of us aspire to have.I was never technically on my own.I went from being with my WH at 18 to now where I am divorcing him.It's a very scary and painful realization to consider but it may happen.Of course we would all love to see our marriages saved and thrive but they don't sometimes.Infidelity is very difficult to come back from but all you need is two willing partners and that is the starting point.

I know what you mean by being "only" the wife and mother.I don't think I ever lost myself because I truly wanted to be this type of person,who stayed at home being there for my H and my children.I will never regret that but do keep this in the back of your mind: I am having the time of my life rediscovering ME and all the things I put on hold to raise my family.Even though I thought I could never be without my best friend/husband,here I am doing it and doing very well.You WILL be ok no matter what happens. I am living proof.

We can also understand the anger that your family has.It's a normal repsonse to someone hurting you.My parents and my In-Laws were FUMING.My FIL(father in law) wanted to literally kill my WH for what he did and he is a well respected Doctor.Everyone was terribly hurt.

So where you go from here is what I listed before to you and also talking to family,getting their support and having a plan to deal with this mess.An ordinary lay person might just throw in the towel and head off to the Divorce(D) lawyer but you are here and this is the best place many of us know that actually has positve advice and plans to follow that can either help you have marital recovery or personal recovery.And there have been recoveries from Infidelity too,if you read on the Recovery Board you will see.But it's no easy task and it's HARD work.

Also keep in mind that it is important not to beg and plead with your WH right now.Try to remember that although you have every right to be depressed and grief stricken,it pushes the WS(wayward spouse) away even more if you are overly emotional with them.This includes lashing out,severe anger,swearing,etc all the emotions that are probably running through you.It's ok to let your WH know how this is making you feel but your WH probably doesn't like himself too much right now and is very confused.He has turned into,what we call,the "alien".

I think you will find out that you have more strength and resolve than you ever imagined.I know I do.You have children to take care of,support and be strong for.They didn't ask for this mess to happen to them(neither did you of course) and they need YOU,the stable parent to be there for them if even you feel like you are dying inside.Do what you must to be there for them.

Do your In-Laws know about all this yet? What is your WH doing now? Is he actually living with the OW yet or what?

O

my in-laws are divorced but they live here also, his mother is extremely upset and refuses to talk with him. His father is basically neutal of course the reason his parents are divorced is because his father cheated on her numerous times to the point where he didn't even bother hiding it anymore..got a woman pregnant and actually had the nerve to ask that she move in with them!!!!! My husband, as far as i know, is spending his nights at his dads, whether she's there too i don't know. Will it do any good tomorrow when i go out to talk to him? He's not the same man, when you look in his eyes..there's absolutely nothing there..very cold. Also..i talked to his friend a bit ago, the one that's trying to start the business with him..and he told me he's going to have him go down to the city, put him to work..basically get him away from the situation..and at the same time..try to talk to him. But..i can't tell you how happy i am that i found this site..it's the support i need right now...i thank you all

he's showing the classic signs and saying the classic lines.."i love you but i'm not IN love with you" etc..i know he's trying to run from the pressures..back to his past, he thinks he loves this woman, the same woman that dumped him 22 yrs ago. But what i'm afraid of is that he'll really fall in love with her. He keeps telling my kids that he's not coming back, that even if we did get back together that everytime we argue, i'd throw it in his face. i'm suppose to go sit down and talk to him today, something i'm forcing him to do..is this a smart idea? and if he goes to Mpls to work in the next few days (200 miles away)..will it really be getting him away from the situation if they can still talk over the phone?..i just don't know what to think anymore

Hi there,

I don't know if you are already on your way to talk to your WH but it would have been good to put that off for a bit until we could guide you.But,when you get a chance to get back on,let us know how it went.Or,if you are still here and haven't gone yet,we can discuss things a but more.

O

Octobergirl...i'm still here..he's leaving for Mpls within the next couple of days so i wanted to see if he'd sit down with me and talk..i've seen the blank stares already..he's completely detached at the moment..but i do know enough to try to talk to him in a calm manner. Not sure what to say to him though..

Lost, I'm not sure there is much you can say that will turn your husband around. The bottom line is that he's in that "fog" and you can't make him come out of that fog - it will happen in it's own time with God's help. Right now I would say that your H feels he's worthless because of the financial issues and as such he feels that he's not truly needed. If you do talk to him, you have to hold your emotions and just let him know that you love him and that you need him - I'm not saying you are to beg him to come home but I think he basically is under the false impression that you don't need him. As for whether he loves her - stop asking yourself that question - he doesn't love her but is in love with the idea of loving her. And yes, he has already started to find reasons to blame you for his affair which is another one of the signs. They feel down right bad about what they are doing and they have to justify it by blaming the spouse so that they don't feel so bad about themselves. The blank stare, the coldness - I've been there. I was blamed for his affair, I was told our marriage was over a long time ago and that he would never come back home - aha - but my husband said the same thing your h said that if he were to come home I would always throw it in his face so that confirmed for me that there was some hope. I recognized where I screwed up in the marriage and shared that with my h and I told him that I also forgave him for the affair which didn't happen overnight. But he was scared to come back home thinking that we could never get over it. So Lost, your husband is not telling you or doing to you anything different than most of us have had done to us and yet many of us have reunited. Seek God ask him what went wrong, where you need to change and work on your shortcomings and let God work on your husbands.

The day my h was about to sign a lease with the OW I felt the Lord telling me call your h and tell him you need him and why. Needless to say I didn't want to do that because I felt like he should be begging to return to me. But I did call my h and he was so relieved to hear me say those things and that day he called the OW to tell her that he could not go along with the move. Unfortunately, that wasn't the end of the affair but it was the beginning to the end.

I have to run but if you want to chat with me directly - send me an e-mail to DVNNY@yahoo.com and we can chat.

I'll pray for you.

Hi,

It is good to try to be calm and reassuring.Discuss with him your desire to at least take some time to see if the marriage can be saved and that you love him.Your kids want and need both of you in their home and you want to give them the gift of an intact family.Make the discussion mostly about hope, not blame and anger.Your WH seems like he wants to high tail it out of Dodge fast so he is running away from a lot.But if you look like someone he could come back to without blame and with hope about a future,that is your best bet.Suggest that since you were together so long that doesn't your marriage deserve a chance to see if it can be saved and better than ever? Remind him that you are committed to exporing this with him.Aplogize that things have ended up where they are now but that there are couples who can testify to how much better their marriage was after counseling and working together.Things like this.Don't focus on specific issues yet so much as you want to convey that you can work on anything together if you both make a committment to.

It still may not make an impression on him but he will remember this one day when the OW slips up and she will.Be the one with all the dignity and integrity.You may not get through the alien barrier but it's a process and one that you keeping trying at.

Hope this helps.GOOD LUCK!

O

thank you soooo much Octobergirl..i'll do just that..i have to be there in an hour or so to sit down and try to talk to him..heck..i don't even care if he doesn't say anything..i'd rather he just listen anyhow. I just want to let him know i'll be here for him

well...i actually just got back from talking to him..he was very defensive when he got in the car, told him i just wanted to talk and he said "i'm not coming back"..told him if he does, he does, in not then oh well..after a while of talking i could see that cloud in his eyes going away and he actually almost started to cry a couple times. i told him we need to be civil for the kids and that i'll be here if he needs to talk,that i love him and i need him but i also knew he was very depressed and needed to work things out. We talked about the bills..the money..what he'll pay as soon as he gets some money..when i told him i knew he still loved me he just looked at me for a min and looked away then before i left he walked over and hand have me a hug. At least i have him thinking anyhow. And i know i would have been able to handle things like i did if it hadn't been for everyone here that's been helping me deal with all of this..

Hi lost,

Sounds like you did good.Just keep remembering that your WH will look to YOU to be the bad person,the one that made everything so terrible he just had to go out and find someone else to have an A with.If you keep your chin up,be calm,full of dignity and composure,reassurance and care,it will make him think twice.It will confuse him even more because most,if not all,WS's make us BS's to be the bad guy and most times it's way out of proprotion to what is reality.We all have problems and no marriage is perfect but it's never that bad that Adultery is the answer.

Also realize this is a process and it's going to take a lot of time to deal with.Have some time frames set up in your mind for Plan A,then read up on Plan B and what it means and we can help you with the PBL(Plan B letter) if and when the time comes.Plan A is done from anywhere,in general, from several weeks to 3 months or more although many here would not recommend longer than 3 months and that would be maximum.

Do make sure you are protected financially,especially until your WH gets a job ok? Please do that.Don't feel sorry for him or he could ruin your financial state even more.He is not thinking clearly nor in the best interests of anyone but himself.There have been several cases here where a WS empties out accounts and other funds because they freak and need cash right away.Many times to support their adultery and keeping the OP with them and in the loop.

One other thing to remember for now.Instead of telling your WH how he feels or you think he feels,etc.,make sure you use "I" statements.It should always pertain to you or as a couple, not telling HIM what he is supposed to do,what he should think,what he is feeling,etc.He could take offense at you trying to be inside his head.For example,"I feel hurt when you say this to me" instead of,"Why do you always say things to hurt me?!" or "Why can't you be a better husband".It's less threatening.

So,start up the Plan A,get some books and read.They are really helpful.Maintain a stable home environment for the children.They NEED this.If you can,take some time out to bake and let the kids help.Especially if your WH is due to come over.Make the home smell good and inviting.Keep busy and show him how you are still living your life and are interested in it that you are not a broken woman.Invite him to a picnic or other family outing,make him feel welcome during this Plan A.Get the picture?

Look,this is all hard stuff and by most people's standards,your WH should be falling over YOU to make ammends but he is very confused right now and you are fighting for his return and to save your marriage and family.It takes an enormous amount of strength not to want to be selfish and make HIM do all the work and granted,I still think sometimes that it shoud be that way but Dr.Harley has counseled many couples during this crisis and he has found that these plans do work many times.Not all the time since Infidelity is very hard to come back from but for the *chance*,this is what you need to do so you can say,one day if need be,that you did everything in your power to save the marriage and will have no regrets if it does end.A marriage takes two and you cannot save it alone but in your heart,you would want to be,I would think,assured that you gave it it's due process.

Hang in there LIM,I think you will be ok. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

O

believe it or not i actually felt better after talking to him. Maybe because i was actually able to break thru to him a little..he was actually showing some emotion..something he wasn't doing at ALL since this all happened, and i have to thank this site for that..it showed me how to deal with him. Just the fact that he was visibly shaken, trying not to cry and felt the need to hug me showed it was successful. Then only thing i'm worried about is that he's going to be thinking that i'm ok with it all, i don't know..

Don't be fooled with what your WH is doing,saying or feeling.It's one big scramble that will keep changing so try not to read into anything right now.

Also,it's ok to let your WH know how you are feeling but just living your life without being a crumpled mess on the floor isn't going to make him think,"Gee she's feels fine with everything I did so I can go on my merry way".

On the contrary,he knows he hurt you.He knows what he is doing is wrong but his confusion and emotion for this OW whom he thinks is the answer pull him away from what is right.We aren't asking you to dance jigs around the yard but showing your WH a strong woman who may just be ok afterall is more appealing than a totally broken woman who can't get herself together.See the difference? Don't worry too much what he is thinking because it's like trying to understand dog's barking.Trust me,we all have heard this before many times over.Stay the course and stick to your plan.

O

i'm not fooled, i know he's still very confused..i'm just glad i was able to get him to let his guard down and to actually FEEL some emotion finally. Which probably actually added to his confusion, but not in a bad way. It let me know what i knew all along, that he still had feelings. Thank you Octobergirl!!!...i appreciate you being here.

You go girl! And,by being "fooled" I mean that you are now seated on what we call the "rollercoaster".Everyday is a new adventure in emotion and changing tides with the WS,not to mention your own.If you expect that it is a normal process of the WS's mind then it won't seem so scary.One day they say love you(but I'm not IN love with you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />),the next day they may be packing their bags.Hold on tight and fasten your seatbelt! lol