Let him see smell and taste what he's about to give up.

show the b'turd no mercy!

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

OK
Pep's way works for guys too !

I shaved EVERY DAY using GREAT aftershave.
ALWAYS dressed well even round the house.

Slept my new gym and infidelity toned bod on top of the sheets, not inside wearing only tight diesel boxer undershorts.

Accidentally gardening in a too-tight rugby shirt that showed my new muscles and waist off.

Squid told me it KILLED her, she was SALIVATING to hold me and be held by me.

AND it made me fell REALLY good and worthy when circumstances dictated otherwise ! So it works all round.

Highly recommended if you can do it confidently.

Absolutely! My lovely Mom gave me some Marks and Spencers gift vouchers which I have spent already! I got some fab tops, at your suggestion, and now just have to get the well-fitting pants.

Alph.

Any bellydancing classes near where you live?

This works too. Tell your H you'll need him for childcare coz you have enrolled in a class.... later he will discover you're taking dance classes ... bellydancing classes which, naturally require costumes and coined belts and such.

And Alph ... if the M does not work out... you can at least earn spending money as a dancer at parties!

Bob, your post made Mr. Pep in danger for his life later today when I get home ... today is his 55th B-day and he's my honey bear ... gurrrrrrrrr

LOL

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

bOb - you are, once again, an inspiration (except for the rubgy shirt, not sure that would work for me...)

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Alph its Peps fault. She told me to do it back in the day.

Its nice being a tease and good practice WHATEVER the outcome of your recovery !

I'm a terrible tease now and we're recovering pretty well ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pep,
you started it ! LOl !

Ok, time for the official update.

1) Exposure. I was unable to make contact with OW's parents during WH and OW's visit to them, mainly because I was away from home much of last week and unable to carry out A sabotage. Regarding the mysterious phone number - I believe it is her parent's home phone. I dialled '141' (number withheld) then the number as it was read from dialling '1471' (last number called). The number was not recognised. But by inserting Spain's international dialling code, I got a ringing tone. I will call the number tomorrow, and hope that whoever answers speaks English.

WH came round today (more of that later) and from his demeanor I guess that things didn't go too bad for him at school today. Letter to CBOG should take effect, if it's going to, in a couple of days. Then, if that gives me nothing, I'll be sending one to the Parent's Association. I do think this will be effective. In his role as Head of Music, WH makes a lot of contact with parents (mothers, particularly) and is regarded as very kind, charming and a 'good sort'. He's a very public figure in the school. I think that revelations of his A will be seen in a very bad light by these parents.

After the PA, I will consider going higher up the religious chain.

2) About DDs and me. We went to see MIL last week. Once again, I apologise for dropping out of contact without warning! I was expecting to enjoy myself, but actually found the entire experience very, very depressing. From the bed that DD5 and I slept in (wondering if WH and OW slept in the same bed when they visited) to all the lovely places that I know he must have taken her, it wasn't fun. On top of that, I obsessed about what was happening in Spain. My misery, and that of my DDs, was completed when, whilst out shopping with them and MIL, I suddenly fainted. Naturally, it was a concrete floor and I now have a nice bruise above my left eye and an absolutely massive one on my hip where I went down. DD12 was almost hysterical. MIL was frantic. DD5 stood and watched quietly. Fortunately a very kind nurse was passing who was able to attend me. She suggested that I might want to go to the hospital to get checked out, but I wasn't having that. I was afraid that whatever had caused me to faint might keep me in there.

I am OK now, though I can't stand still for long periods - walking I'm fine! MIL kept on insisting that we take the bus instead of walking really quite short distances, but then I've have to stand still and wait for the bus, and end up feeling faint again - if I'd just been walking it would have been OK! But I love her for being so concerned.

I'm getting my bloodtests back tomorrow. I'm seeing the doctor on Thursday, who'll discuss the results with me.

3) Contact with WH. He phoned yesterday, asking when he could see the girls. He asked if I was OK! MIL had told him I fainted!!! At the moment MIL seems dedicated to observing the misery WH has caused his family, and relaying it to him with no holds barred. IOW, she gives him a right b***ocking. I'm not sure if this is good or not as far as MB doctrine is concerned, but it makes me feel good. And WH did seem genuinely concerned. I just worry that he might see my illness as a reason to try to take the kids, another reason I'm so desperate to stay out of hospital.

Then, he came around here this afternoon. Stackloads of gifts for the kids from Sunny Spain (nothing for me, of course). WE HAD A REALLY NICE TIME! the girls loved their prezzies, and I was impressed by what he'd bought (though I guess OW helped him to choose).

I had tried to make myself look and smell good before he arrived. Wore my hair down, quite loose. Wore his favourite perfume (but just a tiny, tiny bit). Wore one of my new, slightly tight vest tops from M&S. Kept my distance from the three of them most of the time, but when we were together, WH and I laughed together, and actually enjoyed being together. Well, I enjoyed it anyway - guess I can't speak for him, but he was smiling when I watched him get into his car to leave.

Something I said when I was saying how nice the clothes he bought for the girls were may have caused a problem, however. I'll talk about this later, if that's OK. This is one mega post.

Thanks for reading it!

Alph.

1. Pressure from the folks you expose to is one reason for exposing. Its working !
2. you can type 'bollocks' on here, the Americans don't think its a mildly naughty word. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
3. Call OWs parents . VERY important. Hard, but important. If spanish people answer, get a Spanish person to call them. I know Spanish speakers I can ask if needed.
4. WELL DONE !.

I don't know you but I already think your WH must be crazy passing you over however temporarily.

Take good care of yourself alph. You're about the only functional one right now in your family.

Thanks bOb!

If I take that bellydancing class Pep told me about WH will have no chance!

Oom cha cha, omm cha cha, oom cha cha ching! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Alph, have you contacted Marriagecare yet ?

They're great. Nothing like relate: Christian but not even slightly sanctimonious. And free to those in need....

Call 'em darl'.

So what's that mean? Is it like collards?

WAT

testicles WAT

Yes, I will. Thank you.

I have app with crappola Relate tomorrow. Perhaps it will be better than last time, but my hopes aren't high.

I guess I'm officially in plan A now? So when do I start counting from? I know I'm supposed to do it for a maximum of 6 months, so should I count from when I first joined MB (even though I wasn't doing anything but floundering), or from when I began exposure?

And why are women supposed to do it for less time than men, ie three months? Can I do it for 6 months? Or have I got those numbers mixed up? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Alph (useless) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Alph

Relate are a shower of sh1te.

Marriagecare have ALL those 'arbitration' skills, but take marriage as seriously as WAT , Pep , FH or I do for example.

Try them. Relate are useless for marriagebuilding IME.

* BTW plan A, if its going to help end the affair, works inside six months done right. Longer than this is usually 'doormat' behaviour and the BS last drops of love for the WS are exhausted.

Once you have shows WH what a great spouse you are and what he will be giving up, and still not stoppped his affair, you go totally dark and remove any scrap of benefit of your companionship from him. He has to see what life is like without you while YOU get to lick your wounds and get moved out of the chaos.

You are early in plan A. Lets see what happens with exposure.

Hi Alph,

Boy that PEP eh? She is really something isn't she. Her and ARKie really kept me going during my Plan A and B.

And do I ever feel sorry for Mr. PEP tonight!

Um I don't think that there is really SET timelines for any of the plans. They are mostly there as guidelines to use and most people use them as long as they feel comfortable for their own sitchs. Plan A as long as you can without your love bank withdrawing into the red. When you start to feel absolutely no love and nothing but hatred for him, or you physically and mentally can't do it anymore, then you go into Plan B. I hope I made that clear enough. If not I can try to explain it again.

Good job on the exposure and Plan Aing whilst he was there. And no most of us regular folks have never heard of bollocks either...LOL!

My friend from over there had some beauties when I met her a few weeks ago. I never laughed so hard in all my life at some of the different words.

I am glad you are feeling better now.

God bless.

HINY

Thanks, bOb - it's good to know I've only just started. I will call Marriagecare. Tomorrow!

Thanks, HINY.

My DD12 is still very interested in becoming an email pal, BTW. I can't seem to get the PM button to work in 'my MB' - why is it disabled?

Alph.

Plan A time is meant to demonstrate (with actions) to the WS that the BS can and will make self-improvements that the WS will find attractive...

If you have been a neglectful wife, you will need longer to demonstrate positive change. If you have been a good and decent wife, you do not need to prove your worth very much. You already have.

If you had been, let's say, a nasty scolding shrew for years and years (not just 1 day a month during that time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ) then your Plan A would be longer ... but most of the time.... a wife has made her home and family a priority, whereas, this is often not the case for the betrayed husband who may have made his hobbies or his work or his buddies or his beer his priority. This is a gross generalization ... but you see what I mean.

My Plan A was short, and I do mean short. For months before D-day I was making a really heroic effort to discover what I could do to make my H happy ... he just seemed sooooo miserable and I had no idea why. So, in effect, I plan A'd his butt before d-day ... and I plan A's very little after day .... but lordy, that was almost 10 years ago... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You're doing great ... and I don't think your Plan A should last more than 6-8 weeks ... and never forget that EXPOSURE is an important part of Plan A.

and get Plan B ideas ready just in case....

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Pep - I have been thinking about Plan B quite a lot, or worrying about it more like.

But now I'm 'offically' in Plan A - am I allowed to start a new thread to celebrate? I feel like today is a new beginning.

Alph.

I think the best, the most successful MBers are those who understand that neither plan A or B are about their feelings ... but are parts of a strategy to save the marriage from the horrors of infidelity ...

Some BS cannot detatch their feelings long enough to go with the strategy. Their emotions rule, and not their plan. I think you are going to be fine.

This is not about feelings any more...
NOW it is about your plan ... you carry through with your plan to save your marriage ... if possible.


Don't expect that you will experience 'good feelings' from or toward your husband.

Don't expect gratitude or even common courtesy from your H for awhile. it doesn't matter. Right now only your plan matters. Focus on your plan. Keep yourself as calm as possible. It's a battle and you are waging war ... the enemy is the affair. Kill the affair and your M may stand a chance.

It's too much for some. They cannot control themselves and allow their feelings to crash their own plan.

Lovebusters will kill your plan ... so when in doubt, keep your mouth closed.


Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi Alph,

I will see if the mods can send you my email address so that our daughters can penpal. DD12 actually has her own email address which I can give you from mine.

And by the way, I think you are doing such a great job and you are very strong. Much stronger than I was. Keep moving on it and listen to PEP she really does know what she is doing and she can make you laugh on the worst days I swear.

HINY