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When are you calling OW's parents???????
This is SOOOOO critical -- why isn't it happening????????
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I agree with Lexxxy about calling OW's family and Pep has a way of putting things in perspective, huh?
WAT.
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Alph,
Are you okay? I hope you are feeling okay?
HINY
BS, Me, 43 FWH, 40 M 14 yrs, together 17 1 S 11,1 DD 1st M 19 Dday 11/1/03 Recovery started Sept '04 Recovered
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HINY!
I'm so sorry I worried you - I found your 'worried about Alphin thread' a few minutes ago - we just got back home this evening.
I'm doing OK; I'll give a full update tomorrow (as I am just about to watch 'Robin Hood - Prince of Thieves' with DD12 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />).
Thanks so much for your concern, and apologies again. Thanks again to Mom for emailing Melody for me!
Alph.
Me, BS 37
Him, WXH (Noddy) 40
DD13, DD6
Married 14th August 1993
D/Day 2nd April 05
Noddy left us 3rd April 05, lives with OW (Omelette) 28
Divorce final 6th July '06.
Time wounds all heels... - Groucho Marx
...except when it doesn't. - Graycloud
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This is a letter for OW's colleagues in the language dept, many of whom (I assume) may be her friends.
I thought that going heavy on the shame/blame angle might not work with them - simply informing them of the bare facts might be best? After all, these teachers can't put OW's job on the line, but they can disapprove if they know about it.
***dodges 2x4***
Also, I wasn't sure when to send these letters (for the language teachers). Should I send them now, or when I've heard back from CBOG (that letter is in the mail, BTW)
Alph. Don't expose by letter to the teachers. You c/b charged with slander. Just get the word out among them. Tell a couple of key people. Pretend you are looking for your H to give him some important info or something like that. Sound sad (you already are) and if they ask how you are doing you can share a little bit.
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You can't protect your chlidren from the effects of the A. You reassure your children of your love and commitment. Let them know you will not abandon them and that you are all a family. Let them know that as a family together you will all deal with issues affecting your family. Form a bond and bring them into your support group. Put yourself in theirs and let them know their observations and suggestions are important.
Your children may reveal some good insight. Don't scare them into NOT telling you for any reason (even ones like they don't want to hurt you). Let them know keeping you current with their info and feelings is more important than the message itself. So hurt or no hurt, you need to know and visa versa.
Hugz, L.
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Don't expose by letter to the teachers. You c/b charged with slander. I'll have to disagree with my friend Orchid a bit on this. Yes, you could be charged with slander, but it couldn't possibly stick. Slander requires the telling of a falsehood. Accusing her of being a skankylosaur when she actually isn't. Seems you're on solid ground to me, unless you've made it all up, which you couldn't possibly have done - you've described to a T the antics of a WS. No fiction writer could do this other than those of us on this forum for a while. I will watch for your update. WAT
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Just journelling, looking for good points internally and externally.
Well,
I promised an update but this ain't it - yet. What I'm wondering about is this - how do I do plan A? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
I know what I'm supposed to do, academically. But I just don't know how to get started with my own WH.
I can't even be in the same room as him without shaking and coming close to panic. I have NOTHING of any substance to say to him, unless it's about the kids. I can't spend the whole time talking to him about the kids, as his D/Day speech said that we had nothing between us but the kids (complete crappola, but if he still believes this I don't want to reinforce his delusion).
I feel the way I did just before we got together, in fact - unsure, funny feeling in my tummy, slightly intimidated, wondering if he could ever be interested in me - EXCEPT there is no pleasure in the feelings as there is when people first get together. It's JUST PURE TERROR.
I used to be so confident in my ability to attract men. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> I knew how to do it - dead easy! Now I don't know where to start with my own H. I get nervous when he calls the girls on the phone, even if I don't speak to him.
I can't believe I've really lost my confidence this badly. Admittedly it's been years since I tried to attract a man, but perhaps it's like riding a bike??? An unfortunate analogy perhaps. Any bike analogies should be applied to OW - the communal school bike (miaow). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I suppose making myself look good will help no end. An attractive man did look at me in the street the other day but was probably thinking 'that poor lass looks like she's about to keel over' rather than 'phwoar!'. This is my competition: OW is a large, strapping girl with muscley arms and has 'big bones'. bOb Pure has suggested that she may also have hairy armpits, but I've never been that close - perhaps I could ask WH about her armpits? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />). She is almost as tall as WH - I'd put her at about 5 10". I am 5 6". I am petite compared to OW. I've been thinking a lot about 'Life and Loves of a She-Devil' (first book I read after WH left, folks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />) and how 'big boned' Ruth (BS) is so jealous of the OW who nicks her H because she (OW) is petite and can 'look up to men' in an appealing, vulnerable and attractive manner. Well, at least this BS has that advantage over the OW - the only way OW could 'look up to' WH is if she stood in a ditch.
I'm rambling now. But WHAT DO I SAY to my wayward alien? I could ask about his job, but that would be an unfortunate topic as he's in danger of losing it because of A and my exposure. I could ask about his Spanish holiday with OW? Perhaps not! I could ask about what films he's been to see with OW (ALL THE FILMS I WAS LOOKING FOWARD TO SEEING WITH HIM - HITCH HIKERS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY, STAR WARS!!! I BET OW DOESN'T REALLY LIKE SCI-FI LIKE I DO!!! NOW I WON'T GET TO SEE THESE FILMS UNTIL THEY COME OUT ON DVD!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />)
Well, that's off my chest now. Obviously, this is just a rant. Though if anyone could suggest interesting and intelligent topics of conversation for a tongue-tied BS, I would be grateful.
Alph.
Last edited by Alphin; 06/06/05 05:01 AM.
Me, BS 37
Him, WXH (Noddy) 40
DD13, DD6
Married 14th August 1993
D/Day 2nd April 05
Noddy left us 3rd April 05, lives with OW (Omelette) 28
Divorce final 6th July '06.
Time wounds all heels... - Groucho Marx
...except when it doesn't. - Graycloud
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BTW - I'm not actually trying to seduce my WH, or make it obvious that I'm trying to attract him - my last post may have suggested that. I just want to talk to him, just a line or two!
Alph.
Me, BS 37
Him, WXH (Noddy) 40
DD13, DD6
Married 14th August 1993
D/Day 2nd April 05
Noddy left us 3rd April 05, lives with OW (Omelette) 28
Divorce final 6th July '06.
Time wounds all heels... - Groucho Marx
...except when it doesn't. - Graycloud
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Hi Alphin !
Boy you're at a hard spot.
The only way I could deal with communicating with Squid was to realise in my heart that she was already gone. Lost. Nothing I could say or do could push her away. She was already gone.
That released me not to pore over my words in fear AND to enforce my boundaries without fear also.
Rather than making conversation I would just live actively around her. Do stuff with the kids and invite her. Then go , happily whether she decided to join us or not.
IME and the experience of many other BS on here theres little point trying to reason with an active WS. Your WH is most likely not capable of logic and morality right now.
Have you read Arks 'lighthouse' thread ? That was my mantra for a while. I did and said things that made me feel and appear attractive , while showing Squid that if she wanted to come back and work on our marriage I would work on it with her. But that if she didn;t want to, well, Idbe hurt but I'd get on with my life and all the benefits of life with me would be removed from her.
There wasn't much conversation really. Squid was too poisonous and spiteful. She'd throw in the odd ' I love you but I'm not in love with you !' and 'OM is a better man than you will ever be'.
I replied in reverse babble "I feel sort of the same way" and "Everybody is better than everybody at something, Squiddy. It depends how we value those different things".
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I also found that physical exercise helped me cope with anxiety. It gave me a use for all that adrenaline. And buffed me up a bit too ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I never gave the impression that I was OK with her behaviour. Never.
"I'm hurt but I won't shackle you to this marriage and I will get on with my life".
Sort of thing.
Not advice, just a template of what I did.
All blessings !
MB Alumni
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I just want to put my arms around him when he comes here, bOb.
That, or punch him in the face.
Neither action would help my cause, of course. Your advice is excellent, as always. Perhaps I should ask if he'd like to come with us on outings. When he left he said himself that we could still do stuff together, just a like a real family! He even said he'd like to take me out sometime (WH took me out to a concert for my B/day - he'd already decided to leave me at this point, but it was, at the time, one of the happiest nights of my life. When I tearfully asked him on D/day how he could do that when he was going to dump me, he said he'd do the same thing again. My reply to that isn't printable on this board, but I could challenge him with this later. Not now - I'm sure he wouldn't take me out now. But I bet OW would hate it whenever it happens!)
I still can't get over that concert date. Why did he do it? Was it to soften the blow? Was it a good-bye date? Did he tell OW all about it?
***Gloom***
Alph.
Me, BS 37
Him, WXH (Noddy) 40
DD13, DD6
Married 14th August 1993
D/Day 2nd April 05
Noddy left us 3rd April 05, lives with OW (Omelette) 28
Divorce final 6th July '06.
Time wounds all heels... - Groucho Marx
...except when it doesn't. - Graycloud
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Hi Alph,
Glad you are okay! I thank Mel for letting me know too. Well when my FWH was a WH and he came to get DS3 at the time, I would wrap my arms around him and kiss him. He would just stand there and look at me, but I figured he is my husband so I am going to kiss him. Often he didn't return the kiss (because this was cheating on OW of course) but he let me do it anyway. I always looked my best and absolutely smelled my best. I bought a new perfume while he was gone and so I always wore it when I knew he was coming. I remember him coming with tons of cologne on one day and I said OMG you never wore cologne and I always wanted you too! And he said why do you think I wore it today? I was like HUH? He was with OW, but telling me the cologne was for me..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> and if that ain't the fog I don't know what is. He didn't want anything to do with me, he moved out and was staying at her house three times a week, but wore cologne for me???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> WS are aliens for sure.
Hard to say what he would do if you wrapped your arms around him and laid one on him eh?
HINY
BS, Me, 43 FWH, 40 M 14 yrs, together 17 1 S 11,1 DD 1st M 19 Dday 11/1/03 Recovery started Sept '04 Recovered
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Hi HINY,
The last time I put my arms around WH (before D/D) his arms just hung at his sides. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />
I must confess I am tempted to lay one on him, however. He is worried about me at the moment (will expand on this later) so I think I might just get away with it.
He's so uptight about my behaviour anyway I don't think one little kiss will make much difference! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Alph.
Me, BS 37
Him, WXH (Noddy) 40
DD13, DD6
Married 14th August 1993
D/Day 2nd April 05
Noddy left us 3rd April 05, lives with OW (Omelette) 28
Divorce final 6th July '06.
Time wounds all heels... - Groucho Marx
...except when it doesn't. - Graycloud
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Hi Alph - how to Plan A?
Be the best Alph you can be. Do your soul searching and identify personal improvements and "invest" in yourself. He'll notice when the aliens allow him to. Avoid all lovebusters. Avoid them like the plague. When you LB you give him reassurance that he's making the right decision to leave you. Contribute to any EN of his that you can.
I know, I know - you already know this "academically."
STUDY!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Your anxiety around him is normal. I can't remember if you've said whether you're on antidepressants. If not, see your doc. This is a very common need for BSs.
So, what's up on the exposure front?
WAT
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I know what you mean! I am not saying that he won't push you away and make you hurt worse. I know that when Matt didn't respond to my kisses and hugs and ILY's it did hurt my heart terribly. But then again maybe he will wrap his arms around you and hug you back <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />! You never know when they have their heads stuck up OP [censored] what they are capable of. Well and the same goes for us ...LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />!
Whatever you choose to do let me know that outcome. I will check in after the gym <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />!
What is he so worried about you for? You mean your IBD or your exposing?
HINY
BS, Me, 43 FWH, 40 M 14 yrs, together 17 1 S 11,1 DD 1st M 19 Dday 11/1/03 Recovery started Sept '04 Recovered
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Hi Alphin,
If you can follow Bob's advice about realizing your husband is already gone, it will be so much easier on you. He really doesn't care about much you would have to say, and even if he did he would probably fake his interest in you because he is so panicked inside. I know you are probably looking for a sign that the tide is turning-any spark of interest or affection from him that would give you some hope right now-and you feel like the only way you can get that is to have some wonderful conversation, or share something new like a movie-but he will find that hard to do with the mess in his head he is carrying around. (and don't forget that mess in his pants Pep mentioned!) Plan A is the deep undercurrent of that tide you want to turn-its effects are not evident until much later. So release yourself from the pressure you are placing on yourself, and enjoy your wonderful children-it will help them to have some fun too. Take great care of yourself, and work on steering all those negative thoughts in your head to the more positive side. Perfect your reverse fog babble-you are going to need it. And dig in for the hard battle-its going to be long. Expect him to fire some horrible words-and when he does don't let it shake you. Say to yourself "I knew this was coming" and sidestep it. Don't let his comments hit and sink in. And even though its hard, don't compare yourself to the OW. That is something you can't win. Some BS write about how beautiful OW is, they can never compete, and the others write about how ugly she is, how could WH do it? In any case, it usually has very little to do w/ looks-its how she falsely built his ego and made his think he was wonderful. Save yourself the agony of comparing yourself-be proud of what you have to offer and strut your stuff.
I feel your pain very much on the concert date. I was having some very stressful work problems and one night couldn't sleep. I was on the couch about 2 a.m. trying to figure out what to do, and my husband came down and told me he was worried about me, hugged me, then coaxed me upstairs for wonderful SF. It was fantastic, more loving and passionate than we had been in months. I fell asleep in his arms, so comforted and happy. After his A come out, and I got copies of emails to OW, I realized that very day he met the OW for lunch and got some from her. Barely 12 hours after he gave me so much comfort! This was a huge stumbling block for me, first because I couldn't understand how he could do that, then because how could I have been so blind and trusting? I was so content, and it was all a big fat lie! I still struggle with this, and it hits me at my happiest moments when I wonder if its real or something is going to explode soon. Something inside of me is still on guard, but I know that its part of the recovery script I choose to follow. Things are not the same, but they are still good. My kids are thriving, and I get extreme comfort in the way my husband values and protects our marriage. You are doing great. Keep up the good work.
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Alph
You'll be tired of some repeat advice here by now ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
1. Study. The more you know about affair dynamics and the tools you can use against it, the more confident and effective you can be. Treat his affair like an illness. Symptoms and treatment are frighteningly similar , and many respond well to treatment. Learn about the 'doisease' and its 'treatment'. 2. Detach. Treat it like a project at work or in life. You already lost him Alph. Nothing you can do including burining effigies of him on national TV can make him have MORE of an affair. Desperate or emotional behaviour is not usually effective in a spouse. Grieve your loss but detach. It helps you regardless of the outcome of your efforts. 3. Your WH is not capable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now. Not you, not OW, not your kids or the face in his mirror.
Don't bother trying to appeal to his relationship engine. its out of action right now.
Better prepare yourself for when he drops out of orbit, and brace yourself for the fog meanwhile.
See ?
You're doing fine girl. I'm proud of ya !
MB Alumni
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Plan A pep-style
New and dangerous underwear ... even if your H does not actually see these items ... you know you're wearing them....
Forget to wear anything but a gold chain around your waist under your loosely tied robe that accidently slips off in your H's presence and you quickly reach to recover your brief immodesty ...
Buy yourself a new anklet and say nothing about the new sparkley thing at your dainty ankle ... and wear moderately high heels with your jeans and T-shirt when you go run errands so your anklet is visable....
Take a scented bath with candles and music .... ask your H to watch the kids for you while you do this ...
Cook something great ... and while you cook ... wear your hair up off your neck and tie a ribbon around your head like a headband ..... just to keep your hair from falling into the food ... but make sure the ribbon falls loosley down your neck ....
Ask your H to paint your toenails for you .... I'm not kidding ... don't do this if you have ugly feet <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
If your husband enjoys sports, pick up a sports magazine for him at the market , a car magazine if that's his thing, whatever it is that he used to enjoy when you were courting .... remember that interest and get something to acknowledge it ...
Compliment him on something every day ... even if you have to reach far ... get yourself to cough up an actual compliment ... but don't lie and don't make stuff up ... most men have admiration as a top EN ... go for it .... something like "Your face looks so smooth and nice after your shave." ... or "The way you drive makes me feel so safe and secure in the car." or "You arms are so strong." or "Your butt looks really good in those jeans."... BUT only if it's true ! LOL
Play music he enjoys .... and dance a little bit when he does not think you are aware he's looking at you.
Develop exceptional perepheral vison, and know when he's looking at you and do some stretching of your back, or a hair flip (yes Ark^^ I finally said it) ... and touch yourself, yes touch yourself when you can see he's looking your way and he does not know you see him looking.
I tortured Mr. Pep in this way and had him wanting me so much he was beside himself ... he was sleeping on the couch by the way !
Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
Last edited by Pepperband; 06/06/05 10:14 AM.
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That Pep - gotta love her!
WAT
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Pep!
Ahem.
Well, that's actually much more my style than making clever conversation. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
I can't believe I said that when my mother will be reading this! I also can't believe that I'm going to admit on this board that I am going to get my belly button pierced.
WH has always thought it was sooo sexy, and I've often thought of having it done - but since I had the kids, my stomach wouldn't really have been able to do it justice. But now, after losing so much weight - it's as flat and tight as WH's wallet!
My tum is better than OW's now - no doubt. And I've had two kids! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Feel so much better now. The piercing will be worth the pain.
Alph.
Me, BS 37
Him, WXH (Noddy) 40
DD13, DD6
Married 14th August 1993
D/Day 2nd April 05
Noddy left us 3rd April 05, lives with OW (Omelette) 28
Divorce final 6th July '06.
Time wounds all heels... - Groucho Marx
...except when it doesn't. - Graycloud
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