WAT, could you edit your 'letter' post to remove name of school?

Thanks(have removed it from mine).

Alph

Reluctantly done, but with editorial license.

WAT

WAT, that was awesome! And no the hypocrisy is not lost on us believers either. It is exactly what I expected.

Where are you at on exposing to OW's parents?

This is next on your list.

Blow up their holiday.

I say try that number you have.

Ooops more unfortunate initials... I didn't think that one through when I chose a screen name LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> you're getting good at this....and WAT's letter was fantastic.

He promised fidelity. I guess promises are meaningless to him! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Continue Exposing.

Thanks WAT. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I can't help thinking about the effect getting sacked might have on OW.

If she gets sacked, that is.

She left Spain to avoid 'ending up like her mother' (SAHM).

She is proud of her career.

If she's sacked from her first job in the UK, I imagine it will be pretty devastating for her.

Mmawhahahhhahhhaha!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Some of you may recognise the basic form of this letter from 'another' site that many of you post on:

Dear

My husband is involved in an affair with ***, a colleague of yours from the language school. My husband is ***, head of music at the school.

I love him very much and want to do whatever I can to heal our marriage and keep our family together. I have no intention of divorcing him.

This affair is coming between us and making it impossible to address issues in our marriage. Please encourage *** to do the right thing, end the affair, and allow *** to recommit to our marriage and children.

Sincerely,

Alphin.


Don't need to go into any more detail than this, do I?

Thanks,

Alph.

Nope, don't need to be married either, huh?

This is fine, but it skirts the issue of what the school stands for, thus lessening the shame.

Let's face it and call it what it is: exposure works because it IS exploitation of shame. Period.

Yep, that watered down version may work. Why risk that it might not solely because you didn't hold up the mirror to the school? Why soften the weapon? It might bounce off.

This is the fight of your life. Not some mamby pamby exchange of calling cards. Why be "nicer"? The headmaster of a Catholic school gave you the brush off fully knowing two of his teachers are boinking each other in an extramarital affair that threatenes to break up a family. Call him on the carpet with the Full Monty. He has already answered a "nicer" letter in the form of his "don't bother me" response to your call.

Why water it down? Hold up the big mirror and defy them to do nothing. That's the way exposure works and do not let anyone else convince you otherwise.

WAT

This is a letter for OW's colleagues in the language dept, many of whom (I assume) may be her friends.

I thought that going heavy on the shame/blame angle might not work with them - simply informing them of the bare facts might be best? After all, these teachers can't put OW's job on the line, but they can disapprove if they know about it.

***dodges 2x4***

Also, I wasn't sure when to send these letters (for the language teachers). Should I send them now, or when I've heard back from CBOG (that letter is in the mail, BTW)

Alph.

Alph, I can;t recall a single person who was sacked for infidelity, except for poor LINY whose EA was the final straw for his bosses who were out to get him anyway.

I wouldn;t hold your breath for this but FEAR of it may well adjust her behaviour.

You're doing great.

Nah, it's just a fantasy I have.

But I love thinking about it.

***sigh***

Alph.

Alph I found that exposure works best to those who have a real stake in the affair, not to general folks. I exposed to some friends of Squids but they treated it as wonderful gossip and no more.

"follow your heart" style rubbish advice from them.

I'd start with the school/Church hierarchy and OWs parents and see what that brings you before extending the scope of exposure.

In that case, perhaps a less damning approach may be more effective. I didn't understand that this was a targeted letter.

But to the school, go for the jugular. They will only understand one thing - shame to them that can affect their bottom line. It will be a business decision, not a moral decision.

WAT

I would really appreciate some advice on how to talk to my kids about what it happening in our lives at the moment.

DD5 and DD12 have, on the most basic level, got used to the fact that Daddy doesn't live with us any more. They also know that he lives with OW.

Up to now, I haven't made any value judgements whatever on WH's affair with OW to the kids. Should I? And, if I do, how should I go about it?

The very last thing I want to do is turn them against their Daddy. But they should know that what he has done is wrong, shouldn't they? Shouldn't they know that the R their Dad is in is a 'wrong' relationship? Also, I realise that what I actually tell the kids will be different for each because of the age difference.

Should I tell them that I want to get back with their Daddy - that I am working for the marriage? I know it sounds obvious that I should, but is it right to raise their hopes if things don't work out?

Alph.

'morning Alph

I can't help you with that one. My Squid never left home permanently, just a week in Italy with OM and lots of weekends under the guise of sporting events.

Quite briliantly my kids came to me last summer and said indignantly " why are you spending so much time at Karate Mommy ? Its rubbish, we never see you. Aren;t we as important to you s Karate is ?".

Squid sneered at them " you'll get over it" the BOLLOCKED me for 'putting the kids up to this'.

I just told Squid that she should tell the kids why she'd not been home, as I wouldn't lie for her.

Maybe you should tell your WH to tell your kids why he would rather spend time with a woman with very hairy armpits than his children ?

Wait for better advice than mine darl'.

BTW my kids are fully recovered now, and Squid is a better mom than ever. Sic Transit Bullsh1t Mundi. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Alphin, by all means tell your children that your H is having an illicit affair and that affairs are immoral, lest you end up with morally confused kids. [or worse yet, moral relativists] Otherwise, they will not know right from wrong. Teach them also about second chances and [appropriate] forgiveness.

But don't confuse the hell out of them by pretending that wrong is right, they already sense something is very wrong, but just need you to confirm it. Because kids are young and have not muted out their consciences yet. It takes a lifetime of brainwashing in moral relativism to do that. So, they already know it's wrong, they just need your validation that their instincts about this are right.

Alph - in that your kids already know their Dad is living with OW, you're already past the stage many WSs find themselves in - telling the kids about denied affairs. That's a lot tougher.

I suggest that if your kids ask you what's going on, that you explain that what their Dad is doing is not healthy for the family and you are trying your best to bring him home. Stand for what is right - they will figure it out. Do not consider that you will turn your kids against their Dad if you handle this the wrong way - if it happens, it'll be because of his actions, not yours.

You have to stand for what's right to your kids in this situation, lest they grow up with part time "authoritative" moral standards like the headmaster. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

This other thought came to mind. You asked the headmaster how to get in touch with someone higher, right? You should expect that the headmaster will go to the higher person before you in an attempt to thwart your complaint. Consider going to a different higher person.

Again, do not underestimate the deviousness that someone with turf to protect will resort. Seems the higher the "authoritative, absolute moral standards" are, the quicker they'll be discarded when they're really needed. Remember, you're dealing with the Catholic church. It can be a stalwart of goodness. But when it's bad, it's REAL bad, and that seems to happen when it has something to hide.

WAT

1. Is adultery something you want to normalize for your kids?

2. Is lying and vow-breaking something you wish to normalize for your kids?

3. Are marriage and fidelity something you wish for your children's future?

4. Do you want to teach your children to fight for the family?

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />