Hi All, We currently have a one month old OC. So far things have gone pretty well as far as visitation, we get to see her at the mother's house about twice a week.
Of course the legal stuff is moving at a snail's pace and it does not look good for us. I think our lawyer's an idiot (although he's supposed to be a good one). I think that the problem is onviously the court, not the lawyer. Father's have limited rights anyway, but with an infant it's even worse. Our lawyer keeps stressing the mother-child bond and her "comfort" level with me. In our situation, she appears to have no issues with me, but gets an attitude w/H. So I suppose she could use her comfort level w/me as an excuse and the court would understand. Anyway, he has suggested that we go for every other weekend. This is not what we want and I don't see how this would honor the mother-child bond of a breast feeding baby, but whatever. I'm hoping that we can talk to the mother and come up with an agreement of our own. I see no reason why we gave this lawyer a $1500 retainer at this point as I don't think there's anything he can do about the judge's opinions in this case or what the law will allow for.
My question is if this comes down to "whatever the mother is comfortable with" as far as visitation, we are considering NC. I think frequent consistent visits would be the only way we could have visitation, taking into account the child's age and the bonding between all involved. I think we should see her a few times a week, with no overnites until she's at least two. If they grant us every other weekend, will this be best for her?? Will we be punished for NOT taking her every other weekend if she screams every time we come to get her? Will the court just say No and give us nothing?? To just take the baby whenever it's convenient for her is not the best for baby, my children or H and I think it would just be disruptive and chaotic.
I guess what I'm asking is if we go NC for a few years and then readdress the issue with visitation, will the court look at us in a "bad light" for not having visitation, or should we just "do whatever she wants" for a few years in hopes of a better outcome in a few years.
I have ordered a book about custody issues and such that is supposed to be very good, but it won't be here for a couple weeks. Does anyone have experience with this?? Suggestions??

I thought most courts uphold any reasonable schedule the parents agree to (and skip the expensive lawyer). Honestly--if you agree, there's nothing to "fight" about or arbitrate?!

Your reasons are good and keep the child's well being in mind--that looks good in court. Go for it. If it doesn't work out and you go no-contact while the baby is little, it does not eliminate your H's rights later.

Best wishes,
J

Well I guess we'll just request our own visitation agreement and she can contest it if she wants. She just sent us her request for sole custody and child support and it states if we contest we will pay her attorney fees. I think we should agree to her terms, set our own for visitation and use the same clause...if she contests she pays our attorney fees to defend our case. Haven't talked to H or lawyer yet about this, but, like I said I don't have much faith in what this lawyer can do for us and I don't see why we would request a visitation term we don't consider in the best interest of the child. What a freakin' mess, I can't wait until this is over. H and OW have already had disagreements about visitation times. She thinks he said he would come at a certain time while he's waiting for her phone call telling him when she's available. I really think it needs to be on paper and agreed upon between both parties. Later!

UGH! This sounds EXACTLY like what we went through w/ OC mom! ugh!

I'm so sorry for you.

Get another lawyer! Our attorney was always concerned MORE for OW than for ME or Us! Like HELLO!!!! WHO are you working for? She was a waste of $1500 too!

Don't waste anymore $$$ on this attorney. Get one that you feel comfortable w/ that will have YOUR best interests @ heart!

Don't be afraid about having to pay HER attorney fees. That's just a scare tactic. YOu have a RIGHT to contest anything you want. Especially since you have not agreed to anything yet. IF you agreed & then decided to change your mind w/o reasonable cause THEN she can ask for her attorney fees paid & even then it is up to the judge. That is to protect the parties from wasteful cases. kwim?

Don't leave it vague @ all. Get as detailed as you feel necessary. ANYthing left up to HER discretion or even YOURS will be disasterous! WE thought OW would be 'reasonable' too------& left things in the order like: up to the discretion of the parents......shyah right! OW would decline EVERY attempt we made unless it was directly & clearly written in the order! SHe clearly took advantage of our belief that she would work w/ us & be reasonable & unless it is CLEARLY written in the order.......you have NO leg to stand on!

Good luck.....be patient.

Coldday,
Ow can request any thing she wishes....let her.

Your H may become sick of her demands and call it quits like mine did.

Ow really wish to raise oc w/o a "wife" involved and often use oc as a weapon.

You are so new to this that I'll refrain from further comment.

If it were up to me, I'd forego anything to do w/ow/oc and get your life with your H back together, was an ow/oc there when you guys took vows?

That's what I thought.

To put up w/another womans child with your husband is ludicrious..... Get ready for an emotional rollercoaster ride. She'll happily take you there if you're willing to let her.

Drop her off in never-never-land and grab onto your H and make things better between you before anything else.

It's all about you two.

If you can't get it together now, how can you invite his lovers child and expect to work on yourselves?

Too much work if you ask me Coldday....way too hard.

Prayers and blessings
Debi

Debi

Thanks KT - always the wise one.

Gemini - I hear ya, and I know not many women who would do this. I feel in my heart C is right and I know I already love the part of his D that is his. I have no ill will for OW, but OBVIOUSLY, that is getting harder to say. I know that the next few months are going to be a roller coaster ride from hell, but in the end if we get that little baby in our home and everything is laid out in the court oreder, there will be nothing else to argue about. Of course if it isn't and she still plays games, then we will walk away. Not forever, but until we have more of a leg to stand on. I think when she is older we will be able to get shared custody and that is what we want.

Of course, if she REALLY doesn't want us involved, which I don't believe, she will move out of state (Grandma and Grandpa live 700 miles away) and that will be the end of it for a while, maybe 2 weeks in summer when she's older. I certainly do NOT want the drama of a crazy OW, but I think right now she is just as emotional as we BS can be at this time. She wants the $$ she can get to protect and take care of her daughter and I don't think at this tender age she really wants her at our house that much. I think in time it will change when she wants a break. In my situation, I know the OW likes me, as weird as that is to say. Her problam is with H. I'm sure she feels like she was mislead and wants him to take responsibilty. She just had a baby, she's emotional and protective and I don't blame her for that. Of course, I wish she would think of "my family" in all of this, but her daughter comes first, so, oh well. Time will tell and it's hard right now, but I think we need to fight for OUR rights and wherever the chips fall is what we have to deal with and we'll make decisions about that when the time comes.

Coldday, as I said on your other thread it's not up to her! If she saying to visit when it's convienant for her to keep the cell phone on???? UH, I don't think so! Why can't your attorney make up a temporary visation schedule until you guys go to court? Visation is about bonding with child and all. She can't put your family's life on hold waiting for her. Again like I said on your other thread, it's not to late to fire your attorney and get a new one! It never is! They take our hard eaarned money and we should get a fair shake out of it. There are state laws that the ow has to abide by as well, and you need educate yourself and either get an attorney that will work with you, or listen to you and do as you want. I have found out that you always ask for more too. That way you get what you want.

Hi,
I agree. You should get a lawyer that you are comfortable with! It sounds like this lawyer is not the right lawyer. He should bwe trying to get a vistation agreemment set.

Also, I will have every single detail written down like when and where you pick OC up. Who is picking her up. Otherwise, the courts might not honor it. If it is clearing written down then there should be no issues.

True OC is very young but it is the time that bonding rakes place with the father too. Your H and yourself need to start bonding with OC while he is young. You need a lawyer that will fight for you.

Good Luck. Keeping you in my prayers!

Dawn