Hi,

The last few weeks have been very emotionally exhausting. I've been trying to tell my WH how I really feel instead of stuffing it down and waiting for the "right" time. How do I feel? He had me write questions down about the A and send them to him in e-mail so he could think of the answers starting in February. This was because I got the "I don't know" and "I don't remember" answers before that. I did it bc I wanted the answers, no matter how this turned out. Well, I this and it turned out he said there were too many of them at once, it was overwhelming. So, I would send 3-5 a week, but we didn't always get to discuss it do to life taking up time. Seems like we can't do it at work bc I get upset, we can't do it too late bc we both get tired and less patience, sometimes we have other commitments on the weekends, so I was more and more frustrated. I had one session with Steve Harley, which was helpful and he suggested I encourage my H to call him, which I did, but I knew full well he wouldn't. He hadn't read any of the books, I showed him this website and he came once. I said you don't have to read or go to any of the websites I suggest, find ones you like and suggest them to me. He almost always agrees with me, but does nothing. He always says he is too busy and he has all of these issues/people pulling at him for attention and he doesn't have enough emotional energy or time. We are both very busy, we have a new business and I work full-time for another company. We have two older sons who go to school away from where we live, so there is back and forths with that, a teenage son, and various siblings of both of ours that are ill and are in and out of the hospital. So yes, I did try to have patience but I was getting more and more frustrated and finally blew last Friday coming back from p.u. our middle son from school (he was in a different car). My IC thinks my husband is keeping me on a string for financial reasons and he doesn't want his sons and family to know what he has done. My IC thinks my husband is very controlling, doesn't make an effort to rebuild the marriage, doesn't make it a priority, should answer all of my questions about the A truthfully, since this is important to me. My IC basically thinks the M and my H are beyond hope and I don't have the strength yet to face it. So, faced with this, I have a lot of doubts. My H does talk the talk, he is starting to read the HN/HN book after the blow-out, we discussed affection and I said I needed more and he is trying to be more affectionate. He was angry when I said that some people, including my IC, think that he is not prioritizing the M for obvious reasons and that I need to face it. He doesn't believe he is getting any "credit" for doing any thing. Which isn't true, but the point is, which I told him, he isn't doing the things that are most important to me, full disclosure, MC, IC, reading about building a good M, introspection into why he had the A...he said he didn't know if he believed the EN and the love bank, etc. Of course he doesn't as that would mean that he and the OW weren't fated to be together, it boils it down to a simplier more scientific level vs. soul mates.

Although I have a program on the computer and I know he hasn't e-mailed her, or dialed her on his cell phone as I have access to his account (he suspects this but doesn't know for sure.) I have been wondering if this is recovery, is there still contact, or is he bidding his time for his own sense of, well I tried, so he can say that to others. During the blowout, I said all of this to him and he said nothing but focused on what other people said about his efforts. So, the message to me is that he cares more about that than my feelings. I just am very confused...he says he loves me, more with greeting cards than actually saying it...it appears almost painful for him to say it. He says this is bc he doesn't know my reaction to it.

What do more experienced MB's say, am I being unrealistic in my expectations, or is this not really recovering?? I am very depressed and want a resolution, no matter which way it goes now, so don't hold back if I need a 2x4!

Your H isn't concerned about you but is more concerned about his needs, how he is viewed and does not deserve to benefit from what you give to your family.

What do you know are his real ENs?

Read the book Love must be tough by Dr James Dobson. You need to complete a stellar plan A and if you do another session or 2 with Steve (even if it is just you alone), Steve can help you come up with a plan A and plan B so that you won't be wondering the 'what if' question over and over in your mind.

In true recovery, the BS does little work. The Xws does the brunt of the recovery work. So if your H isn't doing much and you don't feel safe in your R with your M, then you are not in a true recovery.

Does that mean you should give up? No. It means you need to work on you and worry less about him. Don't meet all his needs. Decide which ones are important and ignore the rest for the time being.

Why? Because the Xws needs to see the difference or be given an incentative t/b better not complacnet.

JMHO,
L.

was in your shoes for three years...limboland we called it....not a nice place to stay for any length of time.

my hubby was like yours...would do enough to keep me in the string but no real progress. it was sad how long i accepted that. we are in true recovery now---almost a year...wanna know what changed it....i told him to leave...went to plan be...made counseling with steve madatory and gave him a list of what i needed to let him back into my heart. he left, hated every minute of his freedom, called steve and finally started doing what I needed to heal.

good luck to you

Thanks Orchid, I appreciate your response. I don't have a clue what his EN's are, if he has read that far in the book he hasn't shared any of it with me. I printed off all of the questionaires about two months ago and filled out EN's and Love Busters. I even made copies for him, he hasn't done any of it.

I think you are right about calling Steve H. H thinks the MB forum is strange and addicting for me. I think it is helpful, but I agree that sometimes I am addicted to it.

Thanks Nikko, it has been over 2 years that my H said he didn't know if he loved me, or "in love" with me, and maybe 6 mo. of no contact. When you say you were in limbo land for three years, did that include the A, or was that 3 years of NC? I've told my H I don't want the M the way it was, I want to have a good M and learn what it takes to have one. I don't want to just exist, neither of us will be happy and he will have another A, that I'm certain of.

I read another thread last night, I think it was Confused42, and I saw that you are in Warren county NJ. I just moved from there in the fall of '04! I still come back to NJ every other month for my job. It would be great to meet someone in the same situation. I found through Dear Peggy.com a group called BAN, but it was after I left NJ, their meeting are in Morristown, which is the office I work out of!

Thanks both of you for responding <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi, since the recovery (?) has been slow or none-existent, I have been thinking that perhaps there still is contact. My H bought a phone card back in '03 which he used to keep in contact w/her. He could have done it again.I keep beating myself up for not calling the OW H after I found out, it didn't really occur to me until I started coming to this website. I thought since it was several months after the second D-day that it would be a huge LB and possible cause them to be in contact again.

Now, since I'm not 100% convinced of NC, I think at least if I had the OW H in on it, there would be two of us watching. I also found out that the OW is now laid off and living in NY with her family. I get angry that she lived with her H's parents for almost 4 years while she worked in NJ, in large part, so that she could be with my H. Now that this is supposedly over, she volunteered to be laid off. To me, that is so wrong and I feel somewhat responsible that her H is living in this bubble. But then I also feel strongly it is her responsibility to tell.