I've asked this question a couple of times in a roundabout way, but I'll ask again. I am so sad right now. Our OC is a month old and she is beautiful. We have visited her several times at the mother's home. When the baby was born our lawyer sent the mother a letter, letting her know we intended to pay child support, but were requesting a paternity test first. In the meantime we told her if she needed anything (money or stuff) just to ask. So, she sat on it for 3 weeks, never asked for a thing and went to see her lawyer. We got a summons yesterday saying she wanted sole custody, would take the P test, but wanted $350 amonth retroactive until the paperwork was completed. And if we contest anything we will be responsible for her attorney fees and court costs. So, we will pay and probably not contest anything as I feel joint legal custody will only make H feel better but won't change anything.

As far as visitaion, I'm wondering if we'll get any. Our lawyer suggested we ask for every other weekend, which I feel is inappropriate right now. Has anyone had a settlement done when child was an infant?? In the first three years?? What was your experience? What did the court grant you?? How did it go?? Did you follow the plan, did the OW and H work around plan? I can't believe when this all came out on D-Day I could not imagine dealing w'this OW and OC, now I'm so sad to think we may have to walk away. If nothing gets put in writing as far as visitation there is no way we're going to deal with visiting OC on mother's terms only. My children as well as OC need regular frequent visitation that is not negotiable and there is no way I'm going to let H visit OC at OW's house for three years w/o my children's involvement. This bonding needs to take place in our home, with our family on a frequent (at least twice a week) consistent basis. So if it's not in writing, I'm not doing it. We would revisit the issue later, but I believe it would be best to let go for now if this ends up being the case? Anyone have any experience w/dealing with such a young child?

Yes, you can get visitation, no it doesn't have to be at her house. Laws from state to state vary. Look up your state's laws concerning custody/parenting/visitation etc. You should be able to find lots of info on your state's webpage. Also, your attorney should advise you of what your right are.

I know many states (if not all) have provisions for temporary visitation until a permanent plan can be put into place. Of course, she and her attorney are going ask for the world, but what they end up getting may be alot different. My best advice is to document, document, document and try to be reasonable.

It doesn't have to always be the mother that gets physical custody of the child. There is no reason your H can't go for that if that's what the both of you decide. Then who will be paying who CS. He has just as much right to bond with the baby as the mother does.

We haven't been through the court system yet, but will be soon I'm sure. OC's mother has her head in the sand and doesn't think she needs to the respond to the proposed parenting plan and medical/child support order.

We're trying to do things civilly and when the judge sees what a "nutcase" she is, I'll be surprised if H doesn't end up with legal and physical custody of the OC.

Ok, I'm definitely not an attorney, but I don't get it. How come she can state the terms of what she wants and have her terms be the ones followed? I mean, really, if you contest...you pay all her court costs??? How about if she contests your contesting, she has to cover all your court and attorney costs??!! Do you have to accept or agree to all the conditions of her summons??? Why not joint legal and physical custody? Does she have a job? With sole custody she could get a maximum amount of child support from your spouse. If she works, and has joint custody, she might receive less from you. (Or could even have to pay you support if she makes more money!!)

What about a counter-plan, offer, etc, from you and your spouse written up by your attorney? Why not ask for joint legal and physical custody? Why not state that each party pays for their own court costs??That's what can happen in a divorce. Although I realize this isn't a divorce.

Is your husband's name on the birth certificate? The court can order a paternity test be done before any custody/child visitation issues are set. Also, you can do a DNA test (inner cheek swab of dad and OC) without the mother contributing a sample, if your spouse's name is on the birth certificate. It takes longer to get the results, but it can be done. I"m not sure, though, if that result would be legally recognized. You may have to have both paternal and maternal DNA for legal purposes.

Why retroactive payment to her?? If anything, shouldn't it only be from the time your attorney sent her the notification of intent to pay child support pending a paternity test? She's the one who delayed that!! She's the one delaying it now! Why not that she has to divide or share all costs retroactive if the OC proves to be your spouse's? Afterall, custody hasn't been established yet.

I'm raising these questions only from the viewpoint of things I've dealt with in Michigan. I realize various states have very different family laws. Most seem to side with the OW and OC.

I'm with you in terms of visitation being more than every other weekend. Unless she's nursing, why shouldn't it happen more frequently? We know that children bond from the moment of birth. If this is his child, the child should have equal opportunity to bond with you and your family. Infants don't have long term memory retention. They need regular exposure to their parents, if there's going to be any bonding.

And underneath all this, is that we as BSs have to put up with all this crap while trying to deal with our own personal pain! If nothing else, I admire the efforts that you and your husband have put into trying to establish a working relationship with the OW and OC. You will know that you have done your best to try and be there for the OC.

Thanks for your responses, we have an appointment with Attornet next week. So far he hasn't mentioned what our "rights" are. He's said the word as far as visitation, but then mentions the "mother-child" bond of a nursing baby, OK, but she'll be going to day care 8 hours a day 5 days a week, so I think 8 hours on the weekend should be fine. Then he says something about what the Ow will want and her comfort level with me and all, come on? I know no one cares about my comfort level, but don't people divorce every day and HATE eachother and they still get "visitation". I don't know how this will play out, but maybe knowing the worst case scenario, we'll be happier with the outcome. H and I do want joint legal custody, especially because this child is the first and only grandchild and OW lives 700 miles from her parents. I think her wanting to move closer to them is a big possibility. If she does, there will be nothing to do about it, but at least she will be "breaking the agreement" in court's eyes next time she wants more support. I guess I'm praying for a miracle in all this. After discussing all this with H he was in tears thinking he was going to have to pay this huge amount of $$ and possibly having to go through OW wants and listen to her irritation about what a jerk he is and he said "I'm not going to do this! There's no way I can handle this" (OH, then imagine how I feel!) Anyway, he said "I will walk away". And I said "Now you know why so many men do" Dealing with a %$*! of an ex constantly while having your income considerably diminished. It's just to much crap to go through for some. If it ends up being all on her terms, we surely will and revisit the issue when she's older. What a crazy mess.

I maybe way off on this.....but H and I did parenting classes in preparation for court. I wasn't pleased cause I had already been a mom for over twenty years. But it defintely worked in our favor. The judge was impressed that we had taken it on our own. You should get papers from the class to take to court. Anything like that should help.

good luck,
ent

You need a new lawyer.

A sympathetic one to yours and your husbands problems.

He sounds like he's too in favor of new Mom's rights to help you. IT IS NOT TOO LATE to find a new one.

Call and give a short story...one you feel will work for YOUR interests would be better.
Debi

coldayinjuly: She/her attorney can demand all they want, but it is the Judge's decission what is what and legally your husband does not have to pay her a dime until DNA is estbalished.....granted from the time she files (the birth depending on your state) he will have to repay her for cs. But it's up to the judge on all the details. If you want joint visation althoug you won't get overnights NOW, your h will get it. The courts want to see both parents proactive. So don't let her attorney scare you. You have already contacted her via your attorney so you've shown your willing to cooporate. Don't let her scare you!!!!!!!!!

This isn't my board, but does requiring a DNA test equal contesting? If she's making you a better offer contingent on not having a DNA test done, that makes me extremely wary.

Dobie

Thanks all. I feel so much better. I was sitting here before thinking, OK, we have to do whatever she wants or else??? I've never been involved in the legal system, so I had no idea how these things go. To clear up a point, no SHe is not requiring a P test, we are. She hasn't gotten the test done because our lawyer just sent her a little letter, saying "we're here ready to pay, when your up and about again, let us know and we'll tell you where to go". We were waiting to hear from her lawyer, well, we have via a summons, so we'll let her know what to do and THEN if she drags her feet, we'll know something's up, but I doubt it. We will send her the $$ she's asking for now because we assume it's his anyway. As soon as Ptest is done we will send more (best case scenario for what it will end up being anyway). I'm just going to assume she's going to "take us for everything she can get" and that way, we won't be in arrears to badly. I think we should ask for joint legal custody, even if it doesn't really change things in the long run, I believe it shows we CARE. which we do of course. I think I will also draw up a plan of visitation that will change as she grows in the next three years. Even if the judge says "no", at least it shows we CARE. which we do of course. :-) I feel we're doing the right thing. We've been cooperative and "pleasant" even. OW KNOWS I am a good mother and H is a good father. There is no reason why we shouldn't have some say in this child's life. We also have the OC's only siblings, so I think they have a right to a relationship as well. I'll keep my tongue tied until this is over and maybe, somehow! the system will give us a little piece of this child. Thanks all!!

cdij: I don't mean to sound rude, but legally YOU DON'T have to send her a dime until DNA is established. How sure is your husband that it's his? I would defintly say that if the DNA comes back you take her to court for every dime you sent her! She can not make these demands on you. Gemini is right get a new lawyer! She can't take you for everything you've got either. There are state guidlines and such. What you need to do is educate yourself on the legal system and how it works and what the laws of your state are. IF she drags her feet on the DNA test, then you can have the judge force her to take it. It's not a hard thing to do. It's just a swab test. We asked that xmm do it in the hospital when she was born, but he hide from it....it's just so simple. Don't be afraid of her or her attorney. If you feel your attorney is not doing his/her job FIRE HIM now and get a new one. I can tell you from experice about holding onto an attorney that you keep having to try and have faith in and keeps on screwing up or not working for you can be like. Good luck and keep us posted.

Thanks NTMO, I am not afraid of OW, just the court system being fair. We're seeing attorney on Tues and if I walk out of there feeling still like he's not in our court, we'll go somewhere else. As far as sending OW $$, we are very sure the baby is his and we figure we're going to have pay arrears anyway and we won't be so far in debt when the judgement comes down. I would love to "stand up for my rights" in this case, but in our state, the CoM are not considered. We get a small deduction for having other kids, but if she had other kids that would negate that. I am learning that I don't have to do everything she and her lawyer asks, so that makes me feel better. Wish us luck!

Just another thought re: child support payments. Perhaps you could put your money for child support in a separate savings account which you control until proof of paternity. That way, you don't have to automatically pay child support until DNA test is done, but would have the money to cover any arrears if necessary. It might help you feel a little more in control of the current situation.

Hello,
I would not agree to sole custody! Unless you are going to have NC. If you want visation more than every other weekend then you need to file for joint custody. Otherwise, you won't be able to see OC that much. I would go for joint custody.

Dawn