The intent of this thread is to compile a "list" of mistakes we have all made.

Why bother?

To benifit those who follow us.

How can it benifit others?

Because sometimes it is possible for others (who follow us) to read about our shared mistakes and to correct themselves earlier, and save themselves a lot of trouble.

No need to re-invent the wheel.

Go ahead.

Relate your mistakes.

Here's some of mine...

1. I called OW and her H too many times after D-day. This contributed nothing to my personal recovery and only added to my neurotic obsessing. ONE or TWO times would have been enough to get my point across. Cost to me ... lost dignity.

2. I overspent money just after D-Day in an attempt to soothe my broken heart. It was temporary bliss followed by lengthy payments. Cost to me ... financial instability.

3. I would call my husband up in the middle of the night to rage at him. Not exactly stellar Plan-A behavior. Certainly not Plan-B behavior either. Again, temporary anger release. Cost to me ... lost dignity. Cost to both ... lost sleep.

4. I asked "Why did you do this?" and "How could you do this?" ad nausium. This is the perverbial ~ pounding a square peg into a round hole with a sledge hammer ~ senario. The confused WS can't answer. They haven't got a effin clue for at least several weeks or even months. Save your breath. Cost to me ... increased frustration. Cost to Mr. Pep ... increased confusion. Better to say "When you work it out in your own mind, tell me how this happened." ~and~ it is my STRONG opinion THIS particular conversation is BEST begun in a therapy session !!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are in the first dips of this rollercoaster, try NOT TO repeat any of my mistakes.

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Number one mistake:
I played therapist for my foggy FWH. Its good to talk things out, but this was by far one of the dumbest things I ever did. DO NOT ATTEMPT!

Number two:
I blamed myself for everything. I believed I was the sole cause of all that ever had gone wrong or could go wrong. I hated myself, and it took a long time to stop doing it.

Number three:
I isolated myself from the world. I didn't talk with anyone about anything. I felt ashamed, so I turned into a hermit, never going outside.

Number four:
After getting out I buried myself in school and work. Having the best grades wasn't a source of pride for myself, it became an obsession. Working like a maniac stopped me from feeling pain and from healing.

Thanks to all of these mistakes together I lost my mind, badly. Sometimes I wonder if I am sane or if I just look like it.

Pep

Number one having the A...zap

Two holding on to information that W asked for which caused her to humiliate herself to find out the answers...crunch

Three allowing myself to be drawn back in with an e-mail that said: "do you ever think of me?"...blam

Four not revealing the above contact like I said I would....thwack

Five trying to hide evidence of the A and the later renewned contact...bong

six keeping my emotional involvement w the OW to myself. I said "eh I am so over her". Mrs H continued to wonder "how can that be?" Rather than just admitting my turmiol and working it out in the open. The grief was sometimes unbearable but I was going to "go it alone" and remarkably W wanted to help....geeze
H

Who me? Make a mistake? BAH Never! LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Lemme see:

1) I also called the homewrecker too many times,3 in all but I am ambivalent about it being a mistake though.The first time I called was to lash out and she got an earfull of what a homewrecking sl** I thought she was.The second time was to confirm that my WH actually called it off and I wanted to let her know that we were going to be together and to leave us alone.The last time was again,to lash out since I had found out my WH was still in contact,lying about it and it was the last chance he had and I was fuming that I had to be strong enough to follow through with my Plan to D him.I guess,looking back,I would have told her in a better way what I thought of what she was doing.I don't know.I'm not too broken up about all the calls.It was better than what I really wanted to do to this person,at the time.

2) Perhaps a longer Plan A? I don't really know if it would have ever made a difference though.

All in all Pep,I'd say that I am proud of the way I handled such a horrific situation at the time I was going through it and I don't have any regrets.We aren't robots who know the exact things to do or say during something like this.Most people,I would venture to say,don't know about MB until many weeks or months after the nuke already went off.

I will be forever grateful that I did come by MB and met so many wonderful people. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

O

my number one mistake was not finding and telling ow's fiance about what was going on...will regret that till the day i die and then some...cost to me...wow, how do i even begin on that one.....

second-i stayed in "limbo" accepting crumbs from my husband for way to long before going to plan b...took me almost three years.....cost on that one is un-measurable also.

finally....one day, a few weeks after d-day he patted me on the head and told me how good i was doing...all the while they were in contact again....shoulda killed him right were he stood or atleast broken his hand....lol........:)

This is not intended to give ourselfs a report card. We all did the best we could with what we had at the time.

The intent (mine at least) is to offer those who follow some advice/examples of what was ~in retrospect~ non-productive uses of our time and energy.

I had no MB 9 years ago. I most certainly would have done things better if I had been told by others before me what worked and what did not. (at least that is my hope ... that I would have been teachable):)

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Biggest Mistakes.....

1. No follow thru on my part.....my actions did not match my words. Too busy trying to get my WH's actions to match his words.

2. Not listening to my "gut" feelings. I had allowed WH to make me feel like I couldn't trust myself and my own feelings....and allowed his false words to sway me.

3. Too much spending......although I needed new clothes and such, I didn't need some of the other things I bought to (I thought to entice WH back home) make my home nicer.

4. Not REALLY looking at myself, and finding ways to improve my own self image.....but looking at things I thought would please WH, and trying to improve them. Cost to me......now having to really look into my feelings, problems and fix them for myself.....not for someone else.

5. BEING TOO TIMID TO SPEAK UP. This is a learning process for me.....I spent too many years playing a doormat to everyone, and have lost myself in the process.

Thanks Pep.....this is really a good thread. Makes one examine themselves and their M.

LESSON.......SPEAK UP AND FOLLOW THRU WITH YOUR WORDS.

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

1. Waited too long to 'snoop'. I should have trusted my gut a lot sooner, and shouldn't have let her convince me that 'there's nothing to worry about'.

2. I made several VERY hurtful comments and wrote a very hurtful letter to her while she was living in the motel on her way to live with OM. I would take those back if I could.

3. I wish I had known about MB and plan A'd better when I SUSPECTED what was going on. I'm not sure how good it would have done, but you never know.

Pep, I just feel I was too placid. Maybe it was shock. I wish I'd packed his bag and dumped it outside. I had a phone call from OW telling me she'd slept in MY bed with MY husband and I said to him, very calmly, "have you got something to tell me"? Almost laughable.

Other than that, I was perfect.

"Other than that,I was perfect".

LOL Good for you TT!

I think many/most of us have been doing a great job guiding other's as best we can based on our own experiences,good and bad,dealing with Infidelity.This board is the bomb! It should be required reading for all adults.lol

O

Oh I can think of more:

Number five :
Not accepting help when people would try and give me a hand, thinking it would make me seem/feel/be weak if I couldn't solve this problem on my own.

Number six :
Obsessing constantly, agonizing over every single minute detail I could get my hands on.

Number seven :
When I couldn't find the answer to why everything had happened the way it did, or ways to blame myself; I would convince myself that I must have done something in this life or past lives that made me deserve this punishment.

Number eight :
Not standing up for myself enough even when I KNEW the psycho xOW was sneaking into our appartment and messing with my head by placing mutilated toys, photos and other crazy stuff around the house for me to find. (We suspect she still had a copy of the apt from when she shared it with my FWH. He never believed me (untill later on when she showed more of her true colors), I didn't press for him to, doubting my own sanity, so the locks went unchanged).
Change your locks if xOP has ever held a key to your place for ANY amount of time people!

Number nine :
Not speaking my mind enough or expressing clearly when something hurt me or bothered me.

Yikes Alostwife,

Number 8 is disturbing.It's too bad you couldn't keep a German Shephard in the apt while you were gone to keep the riff raff out.CHOMP.

O

Good idea, Pep.

Here are mine. I reserve the right to add to 'em as I remember more!

1. I failed to look for and find good support and information about infidelity soon enough. (Of course, if a newbie is ready this, the point is moot.)

2. I allowed my WS to avoid telling the full truth when she and I sat down with our son and explained why she was moving out. In my stupor, I agreed with her that we should simply describe our "problem" as "Mom and Dad are not happy with each other." In hindsight, I should not have agreed with this explanation in favor of a fuller explanation that she was more interested on establishing a relationship with OM than with fixing the existing one with me. My son was old enough at the time to be presented with this.

3. I stayed in Plan A too long - a full year.

4. I should have been more aggressive in property splits in our legal separation. She offered 70% of the value of the home, I should have countered with 100%, and settled for something between 70 and 100%. Further I should have held out for not allowing her to take as much of my pension as she was entitled to get in an uncontested divorce settltment.

5. I should have more aggressively exposed the "non-affair" to her family.

X. (I'll number this one last after I edit in other mistakes) Finally, I should have realized earlier how much better off I would be without her. Every day now I realize how totally screwed up she was/is and how much I had forgotten it was like to be treated as a human being, even before the affair started. To do it all over again, knowing what I know now, I would have fought for as much money and property as I could get i a divorce proceeding and kiss her goodbye. Other than the bad affects this may be having on my son, I am MUCH better off today.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> LOL!
I'd have loved to have a German Shephard, but the policy was no pets allowed appart from fish or small rodents... hmmmm now training an attack hamster! That'd have been a hoot, having the xOW go to the ER with a hamster attached to her cheek by the teeth.

"So... how did you end up with a hamster growth on your face ma'am?"

Hamsters can be feisty! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

The biggest mistake: when I discovered he had the first affair and he denied it, I believed him. We kept on like nothing had happened. I wanted to believe him and thought that could never happen to us. I was in denial.

It was not until the second affair happened and he asked for a divorce that I realized the first one was "not just friends" either. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Mistake two: I kept thinking things would get better. I hoped it would go away on it's own. I hoped HE would change. We were both huge conflict avoiders.

HUGE mistake three: I sought comfort for myself outside the marriage.

Mistake four: trying to handle everything on our own. I wish I/we had gotten profesional help a lot sooner. It saved my sanity and our marriage.

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Susan:



Can I ask why this was a big mistake for you - trying to understand why H is seeking comfort outside the marriage. I mean - I know I did - I had the affair, but now, in recovery - why someone else, and not me when i am here? (I realize this might sound kinda off - but I am just trying to see more into his mind)

1. Had an affair
2. Lied about it when I was first confronted
3. Lied about the details in early recovery
4. Didn't make H talk about our problems before I got a sick cycle of resent in me. backed down when he didn't want to talk.
5. Recently pushed too hard for talk of our R.

Hamsters can be viscious! I worked in a pet store when I was a teenager, and we had one that castrated its rivals with it's teeth!

hm... NAH! I'd rather use a rubber mallet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mistakes I made:

Letter 1: believing that my sitch was unique (it is, ac2ally. Just like everybody's!) and that my W was remorseful on d-day 1 and that we were in recovery when I found out.

Number b: believing I could affect her behavior by reading sections of HNHN 2 her before going 2 bed each night.

Letter 3: continuing 2 believe, while stating otherwise, that I could get my W 2 change by "working on our marriage" or "working on myself" or posting 2 forums...

Number d: believing (subliminally by this time) that I could get my W 2 change by going 2 ICs, going 2 MC with her, calling SH, coaching with cerri, reading MORE books.

Letter 5: obsessing. Need I say more?



This was NOT a mistake, though it has felt like one many times over the past 3 1/2 years:

Working THROUGH the painful times, rather than avoiding emotional pain. (note, this is NOT a defense of my "refusal" 2 do plan B, I think that plan B is a need break 2 get grounded for most).

-ol' 2long

Attack hamster ROFLOL! Too funny alw.

Sorry for TJ Pep. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm sorry. I'm confused by your question...but

Two wrongs did not make a right. I should have worked on my relationship with my husband instead of seeking outside comfort.

Susan