I agree with you - maybe I was wondering why you wanted to look outside for comfort instead of give to the marriage after your H's affair, and the devestation of it. Sorry if this is coming out wrong.

I'll answer that question the same way I answered all of the questions when I first started counseling.... "I don't know".

I don't think it was something I "wanted" to do..it was just a very bad choice I made and a failure to protect my weaknesses.

I also don't think I had any idea how to go about "working" on the marriage. This was way before MB and before computers and I didn't talk to a soul about our problems.

Susan

1. Conflict avoiding to an olympic standard when the signs of an EA were so strident before D-day.

2. Thinking that my being dead might actually be a good thing for anyone involved in this mess. LOOK at my sit now. IMAGINE the pain if I'd been less drunk and steered better into that tree ? Scares me.

*CONTINUAL DENIAL OF REALITY: Despite obvious signs for many months, I denied he was having an A. Even after D-Day, I found it difficult to accept and to believe the levels of my WH's deception. Then, I denied his continuation of contact during the false recoveries. The denial was fueled by...

*A FAILURE TO TRUST MY GUT My instincts are usually right on target. Being intuitive is a spiritual gift of mine. Once I began to use this gift, I always was on top of things. It's amazing how obvious my WH was once I began to use my smarts.

My mistakes were many. I will add more as I think of them...

I agree that all of us have understandably struggled with a horrible trauma. We have done the best we could.....

Thanks Susan - i appreciate your answer <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

*BEGGING AND PLEADING:

A total waste of time, energy and emotion.

*Forgetting that ACTIONS speak louder than WORDS.

I believed his lying words.

FAMOUS LINES:

"I'm in the process of ending it"- when he was ready to end it, he promptly did so.

"It's not working out with her"- so why did you take her on a trip the next weekend?

These examples among a zillion others......

He was using the same lines with HER.

The biggest mistake that I made, when I should have KNOWN BETTER, was power-struggling with my WH during our separation.

My other mistakes were many, but usually even newbies have made them by the time they find MB ~ begging, pleading, LB's, DJ's, AO's.

But the power-struggling, was downright SILLY. Thank you ARK for teaching me that. IF a decision has to be made during a time you are estranged from your S, seek educated counsel, get advice from your close friends (and trusted MB buddies) and MAKE THE DECISION.

DON'T tell your estranged S that you are going to make this decision, hoping they will 1)agree with you, 2)come home, 3)come to their senses ~ whatever. Just make the decision and move forward from there.

Spidey

Susan-

You had an A too? This is where my husband and I are too. How did your M make it? How did you handle the early days?

1. In marriage that ended in 1999, I did a really bad lovebuster when I whupped his [censored] on the side of a busy road during 5:00 traffic when I caught him with OW. Would that be a disrespectful judgement or an angry outburst? At least I looked nice dressed in my Chanel suit. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

2. Lovebuster #2 was when I smashed my car into his truck when he ran to his truck and locked his door. Definitely an angry outburst!

I should clarify that I found MB during my CURRENT marriage when I found out my new DH was carrying on internet affairs with old GF's. When I found out I kicked him out and called the realtor to sell the house. I didn't want him and I had only been married 4 months so I had no intention of bothering with that. Anyway, we did end up getting back together and our MC was a big Marriage Builders fan.

It was because of his influence and introduction to MB that our marriage worked out wonderfully. I can honestly say I don't regret a thing I did after D-Day in this marriage because of the guidance I received. I don't even regret kicking him out, because it shook him up very badly.

When we made a decision to "handle" it instead of ignoring it, it was with much pain and agony. We did two years of marriage counseling along with individual counseling.

I DID quit my job. My husband didn't really want me to even though the A was with a coworker.

It turned out to be the first major turning point in our recovery.

Another mistake: I wish I had quit sooner. My "mistake parading in front of me every day" did nothing to help me move on. Withdrawal was much faster and easier once I quit.

5 years recovered now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

It would be a toss up to name my best mistake. Maybe throwing all of the Christmas presents out in the street on Christmas day, or tying the dog to the OW's car parked at WH's house. Or could be when I caught them in bed and knocked on the bedroom door and said "WH, you said you wanted to discuss reconciliation - HERE I AM".

Dumping all of his belongings in his truck was a mistake - too much work. Also delivering to OW the flowers and love letters he gave me on our anniversary.

I spent waaaayyyyyyyy too much time and effort on them. If I could do it over again, I would have just stayed home and scrubbed the toilets.

Plus it was probably a DJ to yell at the OW to get off her back, and go home and take care of her daughter.

And it was not good to "flash" her when she drove by my house, although now she doesn't drive by anymore.

tsk, tsk, tsk, those are definitely lovebusters, believer! I am impressed! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

OH! MelodyLane and Believer!!!!!!!! You have made my day!!!

Whooping your H's [censored] on the side of the road, dressed in Chanel.......Telling your H you were ready to talk about reconciliation......the attack hamster.........

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!

ROFLMFAO!!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

K (laughing soooooo hard tears are streaming down!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

At least you ladies got yurselfs some "gumption"!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

REINTARNATION: Coming back to life as a hillbilly

(just thought I'd throw that in with "gumption" - is that the way you spell that?)

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Wow... an opportunity for me to contribute.

Great thread topic, Pep.

So, here goes.

Firstly, I made a huge mistake by not aggressively pursuing marriage counseling after my XW's first A. I wonder if that, coupled with exposure to her family after the first A would have had any effect on any subsequent A's.

After the 2nd/3rd D-Day there were a few mistakes, in no particular order....

Mistake:

- Leaving the marital home. Admittedly, it was under the guise of us "taking time away from each other", and was done pre D-Day(s). I had spent six weeks in our less than three month old home, by myself, and was borderline nutso at that point. I moved in with friends, she moved back home from her mom's. I installed spyware on my PC, and found the truth. I should have moved back home and let her figure out where to go. It would have provided the wayward somewhere to return to. I chose not to because I could not afford the expenses by myself. XW borrowed/put $10K on her mom's credit card to sell the house three months later.

Lesson:

- Don't leave. Hold down the home fort as long as you can. If your WS wants to leave, let them.

Mistake:

- I did not expose to OM3's parents. I had address, name and phone number, and did not do it. Perhaps intimdated by the rage that would come from XW, perhaps of being dismissed by them, or just the situation in general. In hindsight, though, this would have been dismissed as fiction on my behalf, more than likely. XW lied repeatedly after I told OM1's GF about thier year long affair, saying that I was upset about the D. (Which hadn't happened...)

Lesson:

- Expose to anyone who may remotely be able to help. If anything, do it under the premise of "giving it your all."

Mistake:

- Relying too much on / giving too much information to my ex-in-laws. They knew every move I was making, and why. In thier defense, they were very supportive of ME, although they did nothing to support my M. Both MIL & FIL left marriages to be married to each other. (They were crappy marriages, but they still cheated and then got divorced. Because of this they felt hypocritical standing up to XW.)

Lesson:

- Blood is thicker than marriage papers. My XIL's loved me. Probably still do. If I called them today and needed something, I'm certain that they would help. But in the long run, they're going to side with thier child. Period.

Mistake:

- Failure to grasp Plan A / staying in Plan A for too long. You are not a doormat. Repeat. You are not a doormat. Eliminate lovebusters, make sure the WS understands that you are hurt, and do your best to make deposits. Other than that, move forward with life. Don't take a "beating" from them in any sense. Take pride that you loved thier sorry a$$ when they were most unlovable, and smile. Don't cry, beg and plead. I know it hurts. It tore my life apart. But give it your best. For a defined period of time. I should have gone a month, not 3. Give them a smile and a wave, and then go dark. Plan B will save you, the person.

Lesson:

- Don't be a doormat. Identify improvements you can make for you / for the M. Don't make changes "for your WS." Leave a loving Plan B letter and separate from the situation. It will save your sanity, and allow you to work on continuing to improve you. You're gonna need you to be at your best either for recovery or for a new spouse. Point yourself in the direction you want to go in life, and start walkin'.....

Mistake:

- Dating before the D is final. (or anytime during the process, for that matter.) Made a friend, through random interaction, about six months post D-Day. Stayed friends for about another 3 months after we met. Started going places and doing things together. My marriage WAS dead and buried by this point, (10 mos. post D-Days) but I hadn't filed b/c I didn't "screw it up." Painful for me, because I was unable/unwilling to contribute to a relationship at all. Painful for her, because she really liked me a lot, and wanted to take the R to different levels than I did. Bad situation. Bad idea. I didn't even attempt anything like that until post D. Bad idea.

Lesson:

- Wanna date again? Get divorced. You owe it to you, you owe it to your new partner, and ya know what? You owe it to your WS, and to the institution of marriage in general. I am 15 months post D-Day, 6 months past when I filed D papers, and 3 months post D. Only now, am I beginning to feel that I can contribute to a healthy relationship, if, IF, I can find someone suitable.

And lastly, I did not identify that my XW was grossly incapable of sustaining any kind of successful M. Of course, WAT said those exact words to me in response to one of my early posts, more than a year ago. It just took me the better part of year to find the truth in that. Examine your WS, your M. Are they/it really, really, really worth fighting for? Yes, you love them. Yes, you had a lot of great times together. But have they protected you at all costs? Are they willing to reconcile, and do the work involved. If they aren't, get away from the situation (Plan B) and start moving forward. If they choose to come back, then and only then, decide if they are worthy of the work. When you said I do, you had a 50/50 shot of making it (sadly enough...) Them sleeping around didn't help the situation.

Jeez, I'm wordy tonight....

Ethan

Mel said:
Lovebuster #2 was when I smashed my car into his truck when he ran to his truck and locked his door. Definitely an angry outburst!

whoa!

now I'm skeered <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

this dude is lucky to still be alive <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />