He wants a wedding.

I don't.

At first he said his family wouldn't "allow" him to just get married and not have a wedding. Last night it came out that HE wants one.

He hasn't been married before. I have, once. The wedding I had was nothing too fancy; nice dress, catered, VFW hall rental, decorations mostly handmade dressed-up-dollar-store stuff.

I just don't really care to do all that all over again.

I do want to be married. It's the wedding I can live without.

I told him my idea was more like, we throw a big housewarming party, inviting everyone... and then just give them a big oh-by-the-way-we-got-married and have the reception. That's the fun part anyway. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I told him that I had a dream that he had set a date (November 2) ... he said something about that being too soon ... I tell you, I really don't know what he's thinking. I had sorta wanted to do it in MAY (little late for that) and backed off on talking about a date earlier this year when it sounded like he had a plan for proposing that he didn't want me to spoil the surprise by guessing, but I have been *assuming* it would be this summer once the house is done. On our deck. Yeah I had it all worked out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> LOL

We have been together (dating exclusively in a committed relationship, NOT living together) for four years. The house we are building should be done in July, then we move in.

I have a ring, it is a "forever" ring he gave me in Hawaii in 2003. I told him I didn't want diamonds. Although marriage has been discussed a lot, and I know it is a matter of when and not if, there was no specific question asked and no date set. So far.

you have to think about him too. you dont want to change your name.. you dont want a weadding.. what do you think that tells him, or how that makes him feel? its his day too, its his life too, its his M too. think about him. he has never been married, and hopefully he will never be married again, give him what he wants.. will it be that bad.. maybe when you are 80 you will look back and say hunny I am so glad I changed my name, and I am so mad we have those memories of our weading day...dont be selfish!

Is it really selfish of me to NOT want to change my name?

Have you been through that to know what sort of frustration that is, even from just a paperwork level, the legal considerations and the hoops one must jump through to deal with banks, courts, government... PLUS there is the personal aspect of having something so closely tied to WHO YOU ARE being changed to something you might not really want to be... (looking at the larger picture of his extended family and those dynamics, NOT my s.o.)

Would you ever say that it is selfish of a man to not change HIS name to his wife-to-be's?

Honestly I don't GET that. I don't do things just because "that's how it's always been done" ... I challenge everything.

He either loves that about me, or he doesn't. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I just don't think it should be a given that I change MY name.

I'm not dead set against it. I just don't wanna if I don't "hafta". I do love to please him, but as a partner, not a possession.

This is his first marriage. Like many other people, he has an idea in his head on how the wedding will be. Many women have thought about their weddings and how they will be. So he imagines that he will have a traditional wedding and you will change your name. You of course have gone through that before. You see the expense needed for a single day and afterward don't know if it was really worthwhile. I think most people think that way *after* the wedding, even if they didn't before. You also have somewhat changed your name before and don't really want to go through that again. You probably felt tied with the name to someone you didn't want to be tied to. Also you own the house he will be living in. He probably thought that he would be able to be part of that in his dreams too.

So his dreams of weddings and families are not being met. How does he deal with this? What can he compromise on? What can you compromise on? What can make him feel included? He may feel a little on the outside not having a name-tie to his new family, not having a "proper-in-his-mind" wedding, and not owning his house.

So remember, he may have to let go of some of his expectations, but you may need to be somewhat flexible. Does he have to give up all his dreams?
Seems to me that you need to POJA some of this stuff. I can see that the name and the ownership of the house maybe non-negotiable.
So that leaves the wedding. What would make you enthusiastic about having a bigger-than-you'd-like wedding? I know you are being practical, but how practical is Westley?

We talked a little about it this weekend. He's wanting to have a small at-home outdoor ceremony, possibly following the medieval theme we've talked about before. If we each have two people standing up with us, that would be plenty. He is so concerned about having the money to make everything perfect for me... when I would be just as happy to get married at the courthouse. *sigh* Nope, he's not practical in the spending sense. I am the penny pincher. He keeps talking about "THE ring," when all I really want is a simple gold band. I just need his ring size because I know exactly what I want to give him.

I think sometimes he feels like I am "settling" ... he's really hard on himself for not having more to offer.

I sort of equate this to when the first child comes along. I must have taken a thousand pictures. When the second child came, I a probably took about a fifth of that amount. For some reason there are some things that just don't seem as important the second time around. So you are probably having that experience, while your husband to be feel the need to take thousands of pictures.

Have a nice long talk, and remember, this only happens once for the both of you....unless you decide to do it again.

I REGISTERED BUT I WANT TO POST SOME QUESTIONS THAT I NEED ANSWERS TO ..HOW DO I DO THAT. MY USERNAME IS VALENCIA1975

HERE ARE MY QUESTIONS?


1.WHAT IS MARRIAGE?
2.WHAT IS IT'S PURPOSED?
3.HOW DOES A COVENANT DIFFER FROM A CONTRACT?
4. WHAT IS THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THE WHITE RUNNER IN THE AISLE?
5. WHY DOES THE GROOM ENTER THE SANCTUARY BEFORE THE BRIDE AND MAKE THE VOWS FIRST?
6. WHY DOES THE MINSTER ASK THE QUESTION, "WHO GIVES THIS WOMAN TO BE MARRIED TO THIS MAN?
7. WHY DOES THE BRIDE AND GROOM TAKE EACH OTHER'S RIGHT HAND DURING THE WEDDING VOEWS?
8. WHAT IS THE SIGNIFICANCE OF WEDDING RINGS?
9. WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF INTRODUCING THE NEW COUPLE?
10. WHY DOES THE COUPLE SIGN WEDDING PAPERS?
11. WHY DOES THE COUPLE FEED EACH OTHER CAKE.

I NEED BIBLICAL ANSWERS. HOW WOULD I POST THIS INFORMATION.

I did not change my name when I got married this fall.
I kept my current name for 2 reasons 1. My children have the same name as I do, and 2. Professionally I have been known by my current name for 10 years (I'm a lawyer)
Also I like my name and I am a feminist and don't believe a woman needs to take on her husband's identity if she marries him.
My loving husband adopted my children and allowed them to keep their names. This is what they wanted. I adore him for it.

xp
Yes, it is selfish of you not to change your name, have a wedding, put his name on the house.
all I hear is you, you, you. Not we or us.

I don't see any consideration for him in this at all.

Not trying to come down on you. I did not change my name, put his name on the house or communicate and negotiate with him to have a wedding he enjoyed too. And after 2 years of marriage I am here trying to fiqure out if I can save my marriage. He left.

He sounds like a wonderful romantic man.
best wishes
Faith

A marriage is about tearing down barriers.

If you are getting married with barriers such as not wanting to change your name, or give him a wedding he wants, or keeping your own bank accounts completely secure from one another, those are barriers.

I realize why the feminist women of America complain about the name thing but life is so much easier when it is Mr. and Mrs. Lastname.

In your case Buttercup it doesn't truly sound like you want a marriage. It sounds like a "put minimal effort into it" thing and hope for the best.

With that I wish you the best of luck.

Buttercup what do your instincts tell you?
Are you nervous about putting his name on the house, etc. because you are afraid of something? If so maybe you should not get married. There are perfectly good reasons for women (or men for that matter) to keep their names, keep their property, etc. (prior children, business relationships, court orders etc.) and those all make sense. But if there is a little voice inside of you telling you not to do those things then maybe you should listen to that voice and not get married?
It's so hard to sum up a situation in a few paragraphs on a discussion forum isn't it.
A girlfriend of mine told me to listen to my mother. That was such great advice and helped me leave an abusive relationship. I'm not implying that this is your situation. But sometimes talking to your mother and really listening to what she has to say can help a girl so much. And listen to your instincts.
Em.

Faith,

Just think about how you'd feel if you'd changed everything and he'd still left. You'd have the man's name who abandoned you and he'd own half the house YOU worked so hard to acquire. Marriage is not about breaking down barriers... it is the merging of two people, and also the protection of them as individuals...

Tibolt -

Why is life easier when it's Mr and Mrs Lastname? And why does it have to be the woman to change her name?

Just curious as to your reasoning.

We got officially engaged (he proposed, very nicely BTW) this past August and are planning a June 06 wedding.

However we might be getting married sooner than that, and having the 'wedding' and associated party, in June.

We've been planning a double wedding ceremony with another couple, and they would rather have a quick courthouse thing and a party later. He resisted at first but the more we look into expenses for the wedding (no help from family) the more he seems to be on board with the others.

I guess it's just another thing that ya'll can point at and say SEE, you never let him have his way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />