Sorry but since I think DH reads here, even though I have posted before, I'm going anon for this one.

Since DH has confessed to an EA and a PA and just came clean on it all, we have had an OK "sorta" recovery. He is being honest, (as far as I can tell with my gut and accountability), has given access to all his emails, voice mails etc. He has had NC with OW. He has done all this willingly and enthusiatically. He got one email from most recent OW (Emotional affair only) and he immediately forwarded it to me unopened, and blocked her account.

So....what's the problem?? Well, for one, he has not sought counseling, and seems to be content to just move on, since he feels better since he came clean. He thinks we can move on. His job would frown on counseling and I understand that, but I have given him the option of attending an Every Man's Battle workshop which intensely focuses on many of the issues he struggles with. It's a 5 day long workshop. Either counseling or the workshop. He just hasn't acted on either yet, and I'm tired of it and I refuse to nag (a huge LB for him) To give you the full picture, he is a procrastinator by nature, and the bigger and more he dreads the task, the more he procrastinates, so it may not be refusal, it's just him putting it off again...
But I took him back with some boundaries and it's time to put some teeth into my boundaries.

So here is the letter I wrote him. Bear with me, it's long, I'm sorry in advance. I didn't want to LB, but I want to call him to do what is right.

Dear XWH,
First of all, let me say, I love you with all my heart. You have been a part of my life for so long, that I don’t even know what it is like to be “me” without you. We have had some incredible times in our marriage and our life, times I will never forget and will always have a fondness for. You are the man I want to grow old with, the man who I want to share DS’s children with. I could list (and I have, many times in the past) list all the things I love about you and those things still hold true. Please forgive me for not listing those now because that is not the point of this letter. Mother’s Day weekend showed me how much I could fall in love with you again, and this could be incredible, but also could be so dangerous for my heart. The days that we have had that have been rough have shown me how easily I can give up and how I am at times just waiting for that last straw to free me to leave. We are in a scary place right now.

We have had some difficult times; times I never would have imagined 10 years ago when we walked down the aisle. But I know that that was part of our vows as well. This is the “worse” of the “for better or for worse.” Your unfaithfulness has hurt me to the core of who I am… I don’t even know how to tell you that and I hope you know. It was so much more than betrayal, I trusted you with my heart and that you would keep it safe and you did not. When I was a little girl, and even after I met you, I always imagined of a man who would love me forever, a person I could count on to be my partner in life, my Prince Charming. I believed he would love and protect me, just as God would want for my husband. I gave up my life and freedom to be a part of this new thing: “us” with the faith that you would be that man I know you can be. I did so willingly and joyfully, knowing we would fail each other at times, but that we would continue to nurture and love each other. You have been that dream husband in so many ways, but this area of failure is a fatal one.

Since the day you confessed, I have been so uncertain as to what to do. I want this family to survive, as I said earlier, I want to grow old with you. I want DS to have both parents full time. I do still love you; so much of you is so good. But this repeated emotional and physical unfaithfulness can not continue. If I were continue in a marriage where there is no trust and trust is not warranted, then I would become a shell of who I am and someone I can not respect. And that, I guess, is the ultimate issue. It’s not even about forgiving you… I could forgive you, even if we separate. It’s about breaking my spirit, my soul, protecting my heart from bitterness that would likely come if we are in this place again in our marriage. Because for me, trust is a cornerstone… If I can not trust you to be faithful to me in all areas, then I can not have you as my life partner. Our relationship can not be a central one in my life. You are giving away pieces of yourself (of your heart, your body) that should belong to me and I deserve better than that. I know you know I deserve better than that. So…….where does this leave us? For our marriage to continue, I need some safeguards, some acceptance on your part that you will not put yourself in situations that would cause your integrity to fail you, and my heart to be betrayed again. I realize these are only as good as your willingness to follow them, but I am putting enough faith in you that you don’t want to be here again EVER. Please don’t think of these as “rules” but as safeguards to protect our marriage, my heart, and to keep our family together. If you think anything is unreasonable, I would be willing to discuss with you and find out why. These are just things that I need to save our marriage and make me feel that you are trustworthy again. I think I can move to whole-hearted forgiveness if you willingly and joyfully take steps to show your earnestness in rebuilding this cornerstone in our relationship. Many of these we have already discussed.

Must haves:
1) No contact with any of the OW, ever. That means if you run into them accidentally, you go the other way and don’t pursue seeing them, even from a distance. Immediately tell me if you run into them.
2) Complete honesty and transparency re: all relationships with members of the opposite sex strangers and friends (including feelings of attraction, any flirting initiated by you or another woman)
3) Complete honesty and transparency in all areas of your life. I have access to all email accounts, voice mails, financial spending etc. upon request. No defensiveness about it.
4) No meeting alone with a woman for any reason. If there ever is a time when it seems this is necessary, we figure out a plan together for another person to be present, or a way that I feel comfortable with the situation.
5) No going to bars or clubs/places that resemble them on business trips. Obviously, you need to eat dinner at a restaurant, but you can eat and leave. You don’t go “out” on business trips. If you go “out” here at home without me (like after work for good bye parties for co workers) you go with a male I trust will keep you honest
6) We talk daily when you’re on business trips, preferably at night
7) Obviously all sexual energy is poured into our relationship (Bouncing of eyes in real life, movies, TV, right of first refusal, “starving” of attention to and from other women etc.)
8) Read Every Man’s Battle. Do it, without me asking you again.
9) On-going counseling with Steve Harley or a New Life Counselor (New Life is a well-respected Christian Counseling network in our area OR attendance at a Every Man’s Battle Workshop OR both (Or participation in an equivalent program) Of course counseling could/would be discontinued when/if we mutually agree it is no longer needed. You would agree to go to counseling again if I felt it necessary.
10) Consistent communication on how we are doing in all areas (emotionally, physically, spiritually) of our relationship from your perspective
11) Follow the ideas of Joint Agreement (Decisions are made as a joint decision as a couple), meeting each other’s most important emotional needs, and avoid being the source of each other’s unhappiness (that means, I can’t nag!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Would like:
1) Daily prayer/quiet time as a couple (several times a week is required, daily is better)
2) Weekly accountability with someone other than me, a male
3) Daily set-aside time for communication (just 20 minutes or so) where we are focused on each other instead of talking in passing
4) Weekly date times
5) Consistently talk to each other with kindness without irritability. Treat each other at least as well as we would treat a friend.

This is not an ultimatum, of sorts. However, I don’t think our marriage will be rebuilt on a foundation that will last. I think I am at a point that if you’re not willing to do these things, reasonable actions in my opinion, considering the trauma we’ve been through, then I think we might need to separate for a time to evaluate our future. I think you agree in theory (or just to appease me) but actions are required. This is what it will take for me to get to a point where I can trust you again, and you can be trustworthy. I know you’ve said you don't feel like you can promise you won’t do this again because you never thought you would ever do this at all, but I think you can promise to not put yourself in a situation where you can be easily tempted and to take steps to protect your heart. I know you might have similar expectations/hopes for me as well and I want to discuss them with you.
I’m sorry to make this seem so formalized, but I need to have a clear plan and expectations. Otherwise, my emotions start to get involved and I can’t think rationally and I won’t have a clear vision of when you’ve crossed the line, and neither will you. I think in the past you never had bad intentions, but we drifted there. (Kinda like the frog in the boiling water analogy) I know this goes against your nature in some ways, (heck, reading all this goes against your nature!) but it is something I need for my healing. If you love me, and I know you do, I have hopes we can do this together.
I do have hopes and dreams for our future. I imagine more children, DS being a big brother, beach trips, creating a heritage of faith for our children and our children’s children, and growing old with my best friend and the love of my youth. I don’t want to taint our wonderful memories with a hurtful ending, with DS being shuttled from one house to another and him wondering if love really does last in this world, and if God’s plan for marriage and family can work. I love you. Let me know what you think.

Jane



Ok let me know what you think. Am I being unreasonable? Too easy on him?

As a FWH, if not a MB expert, I think this is a good letter that spells things out directly yet kindly. I sent a letter not unlike this to my W spelling out the things I would do to protect the marriage from now on.

I might suggest rewording the "must haves" section into "respectful request" lingo, maybe leading into it with "to me, the following items feel necessary to be able to heal." And from there, change the "nos" to positive requests, though some of them might need some creativity to do so. Remember you aren't making demands, you're requesting these things, and if he cannot oblige on them there is probably a need for a pretty frank discussion about what will happen to the relationship. MB works, but it works as a whole -- you can't pick and choose.

And if I were you, I'd leave the "would likes" grouped together with the other items. They seem no less important to me!

jane - How long ago did you find out?

believer- I found out about 7 weeks ago. He confessed to me and ended the most recent EA a few days before he 'fessed up. The other PA was 3 years ago, and was a one-night stand with a virtual stranger he met on a business trip, but had never told me about until now. He says that's all and he's told me everything.

WasLost-thank you for your thoughts. I like the idea of changing the must haves to "these are things I need to heal" It says the same thing, but is a little less "in your face". Your opinion is valuable to me as you are a FWH and you might have insight into how he will respond.

Keep the thoughts coming, people!
Thanks in advance.

jane -

Before you send the letter, please keep reading here a little more. The starting plan is Plan A. Study it.\

Your situation seems very hopeful to me. At least your WH has confessed the truth.

Hi believer!
I'm glad you brought that up because I have some confusion about that. I read about Plan A (have Surviving an Affair book and have read it) and am doing it to enhance my marriage and it has worked to help my H through withdrawl and has helped turn his heart back to me and away frow OW. He now tells me he loves me and tells me he thinks about her less and less now. However, it seems a lot of plan A and B are about when WSs are still involved in the affair, refusing to have NC etc. Plan A is still appropriate for me because us to build romantic love in our marriage. I don't think Plan B is appropriate because H is not still in affair, is agreeing to "No-contact" etc.

However, he's just not acting on the counseling aspect of my request. Nagging is a huge LB for him so I have avoided bringing it up over and over. We have discussed it since D-day and he knows how important it is, but I don't want to nag him into doing it. Since this was not just a one time occurrence (with previous PA) I think he/we need counseling to ensure this doesn't happen again and to figure out why it happened. (Especially since he says I was meeting his needs for the most part, and he doesn't think that was what the affair was about... he thinks it was about the excitement of the attention he was getting from a new woman. The relationship was primarily by email, IMing)

He has even brought it up with his weekly male accountability partner and told him that he hasn't done that yet. And his partner basically told him he needed to do it...it was a more than fair request on my part. But that was over a week ago now.

Anyway, I guess what I'm asking is what do I do to enforce this main boundary/request of counseling, which is why I wrote the letter to him. I don't think it calls for something as extreme as Plan B. He really is doing all the other things on the list and I actually went ahead and put them on the list, almost as a form of encouragement to him, since he knows he is doing them. But now what???

Thank you again for taking the time to respond.

Bump, any thoughts?

no name,

Your letter is way way too long....we're talking about man reading this right? Not only does your husband sound like mine...but his job/infidelity sounds just like mine too!! However, this is the ONE time in a marriage where you are completely entitled to make demands and set the deal breakers. Please lose all the flowery language and Prince Charming references that are designed to create guilt and obligation. You need to talk about YOU....not what's been done to you. Plan A is for ending affairs....you don't belong there. Plan B is for enforcing boundaries....and you may need to go there but I hope you don't because it's really risky.

The problem you're encountering has been caused by the fact that while you were clear about what conditions were necessary to continue in the marriage....that you continued WITHOUT them being met...without a demonstration of his commitment BEFORE. Most folks do this....then they have to backtrack after the fact and try and get action once the WS has become comfy at home and just wants to forget the whole darn thing.

You have got to reduce this letter to the basic facts....the bulleted points and without talking about your own generousity or his failings. "This is what we agreed to...this is what I need to continue." As opposed to "musts" make these "non-negotiable items". Early recovery is one of the most difficult parts of rebuilding...and the most dangerous time for marriage failure. I myself drew up a written contract with these things that had to be signed and notarized including the consequences if these things were not met. Of course my situation at the time was quite dire because I was in the middle of a move to a foreign country and I was not about to go without real protection from a job environment that made cheating easy and perhaps even encouraged it.

Here are some things I noticed you didn't mention:

*time frame for counseling (I asked for IC for H and MC for both of us)

*was alchohol a factor?

*limits on travel for work

*guidelines for keeping in touch when travelling

*spirtual growth...I asked for community service

hope this helps.

star*bump

starfish!
Thanks so much for your reply. I was just waiting for someone to tell me it was too long...I know guys like brevity. I was almost journaling when I wrote it, have cut some out, will cut more out. I think you're probably right about the Prince Charming thing, although I put it in there because that's what he was trying to do for the OW. (Poor thing has a rough life while totally ignoring her choices that put her there)I think I was going there too because of his need to "just move on, I love you and we're fine now" , and yes, to vent my pain a little. Sigh... You're right.

And your other points, excellent! I did exactly what you said regarding boundaries. I was so shocked, hurt, and sad, I relied on him, my best friend of 15 years, to help get me through it, letting him back in. And he did a great job of comforting me, and loving me. I didn't even really put up boundaries at first, they kinda developed as I started to get my head again and things started to normalize, and he started to want to just move on. Hence, the point of the letter.

As for the things you mentioned that I didn't, I'm still figuring some of them out. He has traveled a lot, this has only been a problem once, he thinks he's safe. I think he's safe as long as he meeting the requirement I put in the letter. I will continue to revise and work on it... Work in progress, for sure. I plan to really pray before I give it to him too.

So, more to write but now I need to go. We're going on our family vacation to the beach, and leaving in half an hour!!
I will be back and will read this thread again when I return. I'm honored you posted to me starfish. Look at the number of posts you have! Have you and your H recovered now? If so, do you trust him when he travels and in his daily life?

Have a nice weekend.

Jane

Jane - Star is the expert. Listen to her. I hope you have a nice time at the beach.

Try shortening it down, and repost it.