am new. I am still trying to figure out how my life got so out of control and where I go from here. My husband and I have been married for 17 years. There have been ups and down but for the most part a great marriage and friendship. We have both put ourselves through college and have great jobs. WE are very blessed with three wonderful girls.

Three months agao I caught my husband in a huge lie. He told me he was going to be on a business trip in NYC but ended up going to see his brother so they could use drugs and get high together. (He missed our twins birthday so he coudl do this). This was the first time I knew about my husbands drug problem. I knew he did drugs before we were married but did not know the problem was ongoing. It ended up that he has been using are whole married life. Really good at hiding it because no in his life except his brother knew about it. Anyways to make a long story short he ended up in rehab where the second week there he began a sexual affair with a woman who was at the rehab. I had no idea what was going on and could not figure out why he treated me so bad on the phone when he called. I went up for a family counseling weekend and really thought things were going well. I had no idea of the affair. He even introduced me to this woman, but did not introduce her has his lover. A week later he comes home and two days later I discover a text message on his cell phone that was sent to her. It was detailed and there was no question about what was going on. When questioned he lied but ended up telling me that he had a one night stand with this W. We start marriage counseling and he promiesed me, the counselor , and even a religous leader that it was only a one time thing and he was not in contact anymore with this W. (He called her in front of me to break it off). Well this week I found out that he has been talking to her on the phone several times a day and that instead of a one time affair it was very involved and he even left the rehab early with this woman so they could spend the weekend together in a hotel before they went home (She is married and her husband found out and left her and took their son with him). At first he did not want to end contact with her again because he said he would miss her and he had a lot of feelings for her. A few days ago he called her again (in front of me) and broke it off for the second time. I am so unsure though because all he does is lie. He does not show any remorse for what he has done. A lot of time he makes me feel like I am the one to blame. He says he wants to be married but his action say another thing. He has turned my life and my girls life upside down. I had him move out and the girls are really struggling. This all happen so fast and with no warning and we don't know how to pick up the pieces. I am sorry this is so long but I am so confused and don't know what to do. I love my h and want our marriage, I just don't know if I can get it back. I have never been so tired and hurt in my whole life. I did not know anything could hurt so bad.

Hi Conneen,

I posted a short response in the "Harleys counseling works" thread, and thought I'd follow up here too. While of course I'm sorry to see you needing a place like this forum, I'm glad you found it. Whatever happens in your M, you've come to the right place for advice and even just a place to vent. Even though everyone's circumstances are different, unfortunately what you describe is all too common, and the feelings you and your H are experiencing have been felt many times by the people here. This forum can help you (and your H if he's willing!) gather information and advice from people who've navigated the road ahead of you several different ways. Sometimes in divorce, sometimes with a better marriage than they ever dreamed of -- it all depends on the two of you and what happens in the next few weeks and months.

It hurts. But there is hope, and no matter what happens you can be a whole, happy person again someday.

Like I said in the other thread, I'd recommend reading Surviving an Affair, or at least reading through all the concepts throughout the MB website, ending with Plan A and Plan B, which may be what you face next if your H is on the fence.

In the meantime make time for yourself every day after the kids are asleep to unwind, drink hot tea, listen to music, try to relax and slow down amid the chaos you're feeling -- your mind is likely processing way more information than it can handle at once, and you need to take care of yourself, one day or one hour at a time to keep a level head, especially for your children. When the time comes to make decisions, you will be ready. For now, read, process, and keep breathing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Prayers going out for your family.

I'm sorry you have to be here but glad you found us! Yes, it does hurt sooooooo bad! It's like someone just sucks the life right out of you. And you never saw it coming.

It sounds like your husband has been living a lifetime of deceit about his drug use. I personally wouldn't believe anything he says right now. I mean, he didn't even complete his rehab. And of course you love him. You've been together for a long time and have had many good experiences together...share children together. It's just hard sometimes trying to figure out what was "real" as you look back.

My xWS was an alcoholic/addict. I was with him when he was using, and when he finally got into Recovery and stayed in Recovery. He had in 6 years clean and sober and then had an affair. It was with a young woman (21 yrs old) that he met at his NA/AA meetings! I thought he had relapsed. All the lying, manipulating, unaccounted for money, etc. was back. I never believed that anyone could look me right in the eyes and totally, utterly, outright lie!! And seem believable!! I truly feel that he had relapsed in a way. This relationship was a "fix" for him. He could avoid taking on adult responsibilities and problems. Just like when he was drinking and drugging. He could get a quick "fix", being a middle-aged man (47) with a 21 year old who had the hots for him.

In my opinion, your husband got another "fix" when in rehab. Couldn't have the drugs, so he got a woman.

You are NOT to blame about anything that's going on. He's an addict! They love to try and place blame on someone else so the focus is off of them. If he's working a recovery program, you will see remorse and genuine efforts to make amends. It's called "Walk the Talk". You said you see no remorse on his part.

You might find ALANON to be helpful right now. It's for anyone who has family or friends who have problems with alcohol and drugs. Have you been back in touch with your counselor and religious leader? They might be a good support for you.

It's hard to rebuild a marriage as long as a partner is still using. There is no true, honest, "person" to work with.

I believe that Dr. Harley addresses the issue of addiction and attempting to rebuild your marriage. I'm sorry that I can't remember exactly where it is. Maybe another member can jump in and help.

Conneen, Please keep coming back here for support. Most of us have been in that place of shock, anger, sadness, while still loving our spouses. At times you wonder if you can ever survive it...or even want to survive it. As much as possible, focus on taking good care of yourself and your daughters.