I'm new to this forum, but I desperately need help. Please don't pass up this post. It's long and involved, but I'll try to be concise. A few months ago, I learned that my husband had a homosexual affair with a family "friend." This "friend" was my husband's best friend and drinking partner for 10+ years. The "affair" started approximately 14 years ago and ended approximately 6-7 years ago. During this time, there were four sexual encounters. The "friend" also attempted to "share" his wife, but my husband rejected that idea. This "friend" moved from the area, but his ex-wife lives very close to us. My husband has shared all the details with me and answered most all of my questions. He has expressed guilt, shame and remorse; however, I'm obviously shocked, crushed and in tremendous emotional distress. We have fought, talked and cried about this, and are attempting to move forward. My dilemma lies in that I can't trust that he has been completely honest with me. His story has changed, and he states he can't remember because he was drinking so heavily during these years. (He has since completed rehab.) We have been together 25+ years; high school sweethearts. He had only been with me (sexually) up to this point; this was extremely important to me, and I am having tremendous difficulty accepting this. The "purity" of our relationship has been forever lost, and I'm not sure if I can get past that. He is making great effort to demonstrate his love for me and regain my trust. But, I am so afraid of being played for a fool, of opening my heart to him again. I'm not having as difficult a time dealing with the homosexual aspect of the affair as much as I am the fact that he was "friends" with this man for so long; my children and I attended BBQs, camping trips, etc. with this man and his family. If it had occurred over a short period of time, I'd have an easier time dealing with it, but I feel like all these years of our marriage were a sham. How could he have loved me at all during this time? In addition, he confessed to searching the net for porn, and has demonstrated a few other lewd behaviors. It feels like he deliberately made these choices to hurt me; because these are all characteristics/behaviors that I am very vocal about and despise. How do I learn to trust again? How do I get past the pain? Our children are none the wiser, and I hope it forever stays that way. Right now, I'm not even sure I love him. I know I don't respect him, trust him, and believe in him. Is this normal? Will I get past this? Any advice is appreciated. Again, thank you for listening to my story.

Hey Reflections,

I am sorry you are here and wish I could offer you some good advice...but all I can tell you is that you will get better, and that you are not alone. You now belong to a club of many, all who wish they were not here too.

I was also in the "club" of marrying my high school sweetheart, and put a lot into the fact that we were only with each other. I was so proud of that. He was not. I was also crushed that he could ruin the purity of our relationship. I know excatly how you feel about that. I am still broken hearted over it..and it has been six months since d-day. But, it is better, so be strong.

It is also very normal to wonder about your love and trust for him. There are still times that I wonder why I am here, if I really love this man, and how I will ever live without the blind trust we once had. It is a normal reaction...and if you both are willing to work at it...you will get it back.

There are some wonderful people on here that could offer you better adivce than me, so I would say just continue to post...you will get advice sooner or later. Do not be discouraged if you do not get replies right away.

Also read all you can. That has helped me tremendously.

I wish you all the best.

True

R2005,

The worst kind of pressure is the one we put on ourselves to stay married shortly after the discovery and the devastation of our spouse's betrayal. No I'm not telling you to dump your H and move on with your life but to realize that you are not an inmate and your marriage is not a prison. You are a person with free will who can choose to live her life as she sees fit at any moment in time. But also be aware that even if you do choose to end your marriage, you cannot escape from going through the pain of recovery.

Anger and bitterness, and not your H or the OM, are your true enemies and you must fight them otherwise they will consume you, and destroy your life. Yes your H's betrayal was responsible for the devastating blow that put you on this emotional rollercoaster, but only your committment to not allow these two destructive forces can truly end this ride from hell no matter what the outcome of your marriage is.

TMCM

Hello {{reflections}},

Welcome to MB although I am sorry you are here under these circumstances.

Let me first say that although there has been Infidelity in your marriage,your story is very complex and I do think you need professional counseling.We can try to help with our advice based on our experiences but you have a lot to deal with on your plate.When exactly did you find out all of this information?

I am not going to say that this marriage is hopeless BUT you have a WH who has many issues to contend with and Individual counseling is a MUST,in my opinion.You have a bi-sexual husband or maybe even a confused homosexual husband that is living a lie with you right now in order to deny his true sexuality or he is still confused with "what" he is.He put you at risk for STD's for years and lied.He essentially lived a double life.At this point,you cannot trust this man you are married to and it's quite possible you shouldn't, ever.It would take a herculean effort to rebuild that trust,brick by brick over MANY years and you have to ask yourself if you are willing to go the whole nine yards in exploring this because like I said,there is much more than just your typical cheating going on here.Your WH has major issues in his life.I am glad to hear the drinking is over.I hope it is for good.

There is a lot to think about reflections because like TMCM said,nothing is holding you to this marriage which was a sham for many years and the choice is yours to try and mend what is there now,which may or may not ever happen or end it with a clean slate and be on your own or with someone else one day.There are no guarantees any which way you slice it.The same goes for all of us.

Please do seek counseling even if your WH will not go yet.This information he gave you would knock anyone to their knees and you need help.Don't try to go it alone OK? Also get an STD screen and HIV screen and check up. We are here for you.Stay with us and keep posting and reading.

O

Thank you so much to everyone who responded. It is comforting and reassuring to know I am not alone and that my thoughts and reeling emotions are "normal." I never imagined I'd be walking this path through hell!

I began therapy approximately a month after I found out (so about four months ago). My H refuses to go; he is too ashamed and does not feel that he can talk about it to anyone else. I was tested for HIV, STDs, etc. He also has been doing so all these years; unbeknownst to me. He assures me there is no concern there, although there are no "guarantees" unless you are abstinent. I have encouraged my H to seek counseling and/or do some self-therapy and reading to deal with the underlying issues here; they are significant to say the least. Only time will tell. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. But, my youngest has two years of school left, and I am doing my best to keep things intact at least that long. I'm taking one day at a time; that's all I can do at this point. Some days are better than others. Like I told my H: I feel like I've been emotionally raped, and I'm shell-shocked.

I believe this forum will provide me with the support system I so desperately need. My therapist is the only person I have confided in. It is a very lonely road and difficult one to maintain: Life is great! Look at my perfect marriage(hardly).

Thanks again. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.