In reading these threads, I am amazed at the hostility towards OP. I Don't hate or dislike OM, just have no respect or feelings of any kind towards him. He is/was not the problem, he was just there. Shouldn't our feelings be towards the WS? after all, The OP didn't make them cheat. How does blaming them help you? Does it take some of the pressure off of blaming the WS?

Just curious.

Well, feelings "shouldn't" be anything, feelings just ARE. I think the OP very much is partially to blame for the affair, especially if they knew the WS was married. The WS didn't cheat alone, the OP was an accessory to the crime, so to speak. So, I can see how anger at the OP is very justified, even to outsiders.

And then are cases like mine, where the OP was being lied to and wasn't aware that the WS was still married. I was never mad at the OP in my case [until she pulled some stunts later] because she was told we were seperated and was a help to me in the end.

It is a very individual issue, but folks are fully justified in feeling anger about the injustice committed by both the WS and the OP.

I agree with both of the above statements. In my opinon, there is way to much emphasis on the OP here.....THE WS CHEATED ON US, NOT THE F-ing OP...but on the other hand, people feel what they feel, so nothing you can say about that.

I find it amazing that anyone could conclude the OP has no culpability in the damage done to the marriage only because they are not married to the victim. I am not following that logic. The WS and the OP are both guilty, the WS certainly to a greater degree, though.

The bottom line is that the OP's actions were just as cruel as the WS's and the BS would not be unjustified in feeling anger towards someone who committed such an act of cruel injustice.

P.S. And my anger towards both the OP and the WS stems not from the fact that I am a BS, but rather, from my sense of justice. Injustice and cruelty always angers me, no matter who the victim is.

Blaming makes everyone powerless. It only takes you further into "the pit." Blaming and feeling are not equal.
Hiker

I did not say that the OP was "not guilty", BUT IN MY EYES, the OP could not do any harm to my marriage if my ex-wife did NOT invite him and LET him do this. Yeah, the OM is a morally reprhensible sack of f-ing cow dung, but in the end, his role in destroying my marriage was only as strong as my EX-W LET it be. SO the way I see it, she has final culpability for this and I don't compare his culpability to anything near what her culpability was TOO ME !. What I was really getting at, is the ****sometimes**** unhealthy obsession of a BS on an OP. It can really border on denial beyond extremes at times. Hey, this is my opinion, noone has to agree with it...I don't care... It is all good.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LM

Edited to add: In the end, it doesn't really matter "who is too blame". It sucks any way you slice it. We are probably arguing about what piece of $hit smells worse...it doesn't matter.

Well, finally you said something I can agree with! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Oh Gee, ML, thank you for that validation tonight... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> My life is defintely complete now.

LM

**SNORT** <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

ML:

LOL..back at you.

I guess you are a barometer of where I am at in life.........if we continue to disagree, then I know I am "still on course"... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You are alright......no matter what they say. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LM

Why is there so much anger at OP?
I dont' know your story, so I apologize if my answers are out of context. I guess I'll try to compare it this way. If someone hurts your family, what's weird about being angry at them? If another kid hits your kid, or someone vandalizes your car, or another kid pressures your kid into doing drugs, or a buddy of yours goes along with your stupid idea of blowing a bunch of money on something your W doesn't want, or...... whatever.... I think it's fairly normal (common?) to be angry at the person that encourages, pressures, takes advantage, or goes along with something hurtful to a marriage and/or family.

He was not the problem, he was just there.
Nawwww..... he did WAY more than that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> He could have said no. Right?

How does blaming them help you? Does it take some of the pressure off of blaming the WS?
Logically, we know blame gets us nowhere. We, the BS, are partially to blame for the state of the marriage, but not for the A. But it takes 2 for an A to occur, so the OP and WS are both to blame. DOes it make us feel better? Does it help? Sortof.... it's part of the process of going through this. It's silly for me to be angry at alcohol for my sister's alcoholism, but I am sometimes. It's not the bottle's fault... but you are right that I am spinning my wheels when I shift blame around... instead of letting the anger go.

You say shouldn't our feelings be towards the WS? So, lets choose to be angry at the WS!!! Now, where does that leave us? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> That's not much better....

so, I agree with the others. Feelings are feelings. We have to work through them. Anger and blame are a natural part of grief, but we DO have to move past them... and work on letting the anger go ... not just shift them around.

Maybe some of our anger is misplaced but how can you work on your M while wanting to kill your WS?

I agree to the could have said no part. While in my 20's I had three different offers from MM and I turned them all down. I did not want to be a woman that would hurt another woman. Of course I wish I had had that some moral compass when I hurt my H.

Bottom line for me.....regardless of "blame"....it still hurts and cuts deep. And there's not a darn thing I can do, say, feel, that will ever change what happened.

When friends found out about my xWS's affair, they had all sorts of suggestions about what I should do to him and her. I had numerous fantasies also. But when it came right down to the bottomline...they meant nothing. Hurt my xWS? Hurt the OW? It still could never change what had already been done by someone I loved deeply and dearly. Period!

(But I must admit, that doesn't stop me from taking a few sarcastic pot shots at them here on the forum! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />)

Hurtnheart,

My anger at OW is completely justified. I thought she was my friend. I gave her a lot of support with her severely disabled daughter. She was the godmother of my youngest.

One of the reasons, besides that my WH always denied it, that I couldn't believe they could actually be doing this to me was that I thought it unfathomable that she could accept my support and friendship and sit at my table, go on holidays together and be having an affair the entire time! They used my children as camoflage for the affair and the children suffered because they knew about this dirty secret and questioned their own loyalty to their mother.

The OW has been offered the same job at a different bank branch that is much closer to her home, but refuses because she likes working with my WH so much!

Hate isn't even the word that I feel for her... it's more like nauseous revulsion.

HNH, OM was in a position of care and authority over my wife, and knew me. He is a low dog and I wish him dead or crippled. Theres a baby sledge hammer and a can of mace in my trunk 'just in case'.

Only the fact that my best chance for NC and recovery is if he also recovers keps me from showing him my strongest displeasure.

OM is 100% to blame for Squids affair. Squid is 100% to blame too.

* Hiker, I am beginning to believe you and I are absolutely MILES apart in attitude, mate.

Last week I’ve talked to a BS about this and the person said he thinks in his case, his hate/anger is deliberately diverted to the OM because he can't allow such to stream at his FWW else their recovery would be crippled… This make much sense to me and I also think this serves as some sort of ‘defensive meganism’ for the BS to protect the WS and M in recovery from his/her anger towards the betrayal in general... Therefore I think it is very normal for a BS in recovery (depending on the individual situation) to have these type of feelings towards the OP and deliberately or unconsciously diverted it to the OP…but I think as time goes by and the BS and FWS goes further in recovery, the hateful feelings towards the OP will start to subside and fade as well. As someone said earlier...feelings just ARE... Of course it’s not right nor healthy to carry these type of feelings towards the OP forever, but I do think it is a very normal and also understandable part of the BS’s recovery.

Just my 2 cents worth... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Absolutely Suze ! I've admitted that too in the past. I can; hate Squid as she perhaps deserves because I love her and could not recover with her.

OM I can hate easily <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Heres a stupid but controversial thing : I KNOW my honour would be served if I found out OM and beat the living sh*t out of him.

I would probably never think about him again afterwards.

But I'd have law trouble and it might hurt HIS recovery and therefore threaten my own. SO its just not a good idea.

But I DO know it would lance my boil.

Men can be really dumb huh ? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Angry, me? I think part of the reason is because if we direct all of that anger at our WS, it damages our thoughts of them. Although, my anger is quite strong at my WH. A really BIG part of my anger at OW is the breach of the sisterhood. Slimeball is about the same age as I am, divorced and with 3 kids. She already gone through the pain of breaking up her marriage and it's affect on her kids. I find it difficult to believe that she'd wish that misery on another family. It makes me certain that SHE was the reason her marriage broke up not the drifting apart theory she told WH. A person with any morals at all would just say "No way, work it out with your wife, then talk to me."

OW is basically an unknown, faceless quantity and therefore safer to hate.

It is definitely easier to be angry at someone you don't know. It is not just anger but major disappointment that one feels when betrayed. Betrayal is probably one of the reasons why the OP gets the brunt of the initial anger.

Also one can't have an A w/o an OP. So while it takes 2 to tangle, the web woven by the Ws/OP and A intertwines them and when you slap one, the other gets to feel it also.

Anger towards the OP s/b expected. An A is a personal attack on the family. Betrayal of a family member turned WS that leads an OP into the front lines of that attack, c/b a major reason why the BS harbors such anger towards the OP.

Don't worry, in most cases the anger turns toward constructive acts. The BS' who don't refocus and get into a good plan A or B that hurt the longest.

BTW, some OPs are just nut cases and do very stupid things which also add to the justified anger of the BS and family. Have you read or experienced what some of those OPs do?

L.