Immediately after D Day I guess I went into crisis mode. For about a week after, we were working together, trying to help each other through this terrible situation, etc.

Then a week after D Day I caught him (he didn't come forward) with more lies. All the previous week I thought we had been working so closely, just to find out he was still lying about the details.

So for about another week things were ok sometimes. Then he decided to fill in what he says are the final details of what he did. Without these final details his story just was not believeable. So he finally came forth.

I'm resentful about the "waves" of telling the truth. My question is: I felt like I was actually handling this better for the first 1-2 weeks after D Day than I am now almost 3 wks out. The mood swings are terrible. I'm especially having trouble being in public places or around friends or family with him. We were at least enjoying some of our time together at first, but now I'm really not and because of that he's not either. I'm not opposed to counseling and in fact will probably go, but just don't feel ready yet.

One minute I believe the story and think I want him in my life. The next I'm seriously thinking of asking him to move out.

Is it common to feel worse as time goes by instead of better? I'm not totally hopeless about our staying married, but with the way I feel when we're together now I'm not sure I want to be around him any more.

Thanks in advance.

AMG,
What you are experiencing is completely normal in these situations. That doesn't make it any easier I know but at least you can know you are not alone or crazy. It is hard in public places I think because you are in so much pain and you look around at other people who from the outside appear to have no troubles at all. I used to feel like I wanted to scream at everyone -- Hey, look what happened to me. Do you know how heart broken I am?. Just keep in mind that the rollercoaster you are on is very similar to the stages of grief you experience when someone close to you dies. In a sense you are greiving the death of the marriage you thought you had. SO one day you feel like you are moving forward and the next you are depressed and hopeless. It is a long ride and unfortunately at 3 wks. past DDay you have awhile to go on this ride. I am over a year past DDay and finally feel secure on the road to recovery. It has taken alot of work on my H part to prove his dedication and it has taken alot of work on my part learning that this event (and in our case there is a baby from the affair) doesn't define me and I have a chose whether or not to move forward or continue to play victim. The hardwork has begun to pay off and our marriage is recovering and rebuilding. It hasn't been easy and some days I wanted to completely give up but I made it through and you can too. Along the way you may decide that the M can't be saved and that the answer for you is not to continue in the M. That is okay too. No one but you can make these decisions and as you ride your rollercoaster things will begin to sort out for you and you will begin to see the direction you should go. Hang in there!

Beth

Hi AMG,

I just went back and read all your posts.

I would say that you still need to stay sharp and watch your WH's actions.And,you NEED to be in counseling.Please don't think that you can continue on in the state you are in without it.You should not feel ready for something like this but you should realize it is necessary.It's like one of my patients saying he knows he needs surgery but he isn't ready.Procrastination stalls healing.

I am not even fully convinced,based on what you mentioned,that the contact is really over or that your WH has "seen the light" and has changed his behavior patterns.The "truth" is coming out piecemeal because he doesn't want you to know certain things and it's eroding your marriage.You are not the first,nor the last,to be dealing with this kind of slow leak of information.And I also do not believe he did not have sex with the OW at the hotel but there may be no way to extract that information at this point.It's a tenuous time and your WH hasn't had nearly enough time yet to start proving his trustworthiness.

Don't be too hard on yourself for the feelings you are having.You must realize they are protecting you and are part of being HUMAN.If you already trusted your WH and felt that everything was "just fine" at this stage I would be really worried about you.No.Those feelings are there for a REASON.Listen to them and embrace them.

So,what is your PLAN? Have you been reading over on the recovery board? I am not convinced you are recovered yet but it may give you some insight into how a real recovery can go.See if there are similarities or glaring inconsistencies.

Good luck~

O

I understand the mood swings. They are horrible. My D-Day is April 12th and when I found out it took me about 2 days to get out of bed. My husband has told me the truth in waves too. I think I finally learned most of it last week. Everytime I learn something new and new wave of emotions come up. I have decieded that I know what it feels like to be crazy. I have never changed moods so fast. There are days that it is all I can do from crying. There are days I am so angry that I really feel like hurting my husband. There are days I am numb and really don't feel well. I really lack in the sleep department and so I know that is really affecting my emotions. I am really hoping that my husband has nothing else to share and he will start being truthful so that we can start rebuilding our marriage. It is going to be a long road. I quess what I am trying to say, is that I know how you are feeling. Hang in there.