I've been engaged for over a year now. The problem I am having is Fiancee already owns a home that he shared with his wife. How can I make his home feel like mine? I feel that all the memories for him are "his and hers" and not "mine and his"... Am I looking at it all wrong? How do I cope? Any suggestions?

Have you talked to him about it? Would he consider moving?

Cat

“””How can I make his home feel like mine?”””

The same way you would any home.

“””I feel that all the memories for him are "his and hers" and not "mine and his"...”””

Those are your feelings and rightly so, but what you feel he sees (memories) is not necessarily what he sees. How did his marriage end? Was there a divorce or did she die? I have a whole bunch of things to through out at you if they divorced, but if she died it kind of changes the dynamics.

“””Am I looking at it all wrong?”””

No… Your feeling are never right or wrong, they are yours. You can however decide how much weight you’re going to put on them. I would ask you to keep one thing in mind; furniture, cars, houses, clothes, etc…. are just material objects. Yes I know from experience that these items can hurt you, like if he said we made love in the front seat of this car, chances are that you are not going to want to ride in that car. Or if he said that I was wearing this shirt the 1st time my wife and I made love, you’re going to want to burn the shirt. Has he said anything that would lead you to believe that he’s holding the house for sentimental reasons? If not, it may simply be a house that can be your home. If so, then yes I can sympathies with your situation.

My fiancé told me some things about some objects in her life and it was difficult for me. However, the bottom line is that they are objects and not the living flesh that is my fiancé. Of course, if my fiancé were to go on and on about these objects with some type of fantasy memory then I would probably choose to find a way to remove them from my life.

Cat A, Almost Home,
Thanks for responding so quickly.

We have discussed it. He is totally against moving. It is a beautiful home - but his ex had wallpapered almost the entire house - so I see "her" all over it. We did however measure for border just last night, but it had taken me a long time to get him to do that...now ordering and actually putting it up remains to be seen.

I lived there for about a year and moved back to my hometown this past October to be with my youngest son (16)...so I am questioning how I am going to become comfortable later when we marry, if I wasn't content that year I was there?

He has stressed that "his" house is "my" house. I just wanted a "fresh" start is all. I feel like I am the only one comprimising...moving away, leaving my hometown, twice the commute to work, his territory.

I suggested counselling - he hasn't looked into that yet - as I don't have insurance to cover it - but did "confide" in his family. He was told to let me go. "you can't take a city girl and move her to the country". I came from the country with my first husband. It's not the country that bothers me...it's the house.

I value your suggestions and imput.

Serious question here.....

Do you like the style and colors of the interior?

This is less about the ex and more about being an equal partner, in my humble opinion. Yes, selling the house is a huge step and I don't believe it's totally resonable to ask him to do so......THAT being said, you could express to him in a very loving manner that it is very important for you to feel like an equal partner in this relationship. Explain that while the wall paper is pretty, it is not something that I would choose for my home and living in a home decorated by his ex is a trigger for you. It would go a long way in my feeling equal and feeling more at ease in our home if we could agree to redecorate.

Let him answer and leave it at that. If his say "OK Dear" then start shopping. If he says "Heck No, I like the decor" then he is not taking into account your feelings and the house now becomes the least of your concerns...

I wonder if it would help you to make a list of the things that bother you and even include him in the list of things that he would like to see changed in the house. Then, one by one, as a team, make the house YOURS as a couple.

For instance, you mentioned the wall paper. Heck, painting is one of the cheapest things you can do in a home. It's disruptive, but fairly easy. Get rid of that wallpaper!

Seems like if it's just the history of the home with the wife that is the problem - you need to make this home YOURS as a couple. And that might help.

I'm not sure how your finances are, but this could really be a fun project if you go all out. The other thing is the counseling - just seems like a given in a new marriage - kind of like marital insurance. I hope you are able to swing it...

The style of the house is cabin themed. He has let me know that we can change the sitting room and kitchen...but the rest he claims was his idea and he doesn't want to change that...including the bedroom. Which for some reason, the bedroom has not really bothered me too much. We did change the sheets and bedspread.

When I first mentioned changing the kichen/dining/and sitting room to a wine theme...he just looked at it and remembered how much work was involved and really wasn't looking forward to it...he was content...we have since resolved that change and measured the border last night.

With that in mind, he mentioned that now that he knows that I don't "like" the house, it will always be in the back of his mind. He said he will wonder when I walk in the door (after we are married) if that day would be the day that I would give up and leave him. I let him know that if I am not 100% ready to move back, then I am not going to do it.

I asked him last week if in 10 years, he would consider moving if I still felt the same (his kids would be graduated from HS by then). He flat out told me no. He has since retracted that no...but I told him I would treat that like a fist impression...I'm not sure he really would. Now what?

I just can't seem to get passed it...Thanks for your insight - it is really quite helpful to get views from others...b

So you get to move, you have to disrupt your life, you have to move away from your child, you have to put up with a house that he shared with his former wife, you have to find marriage counseling....
So what is he doing? If you have to do all the compromising now, what will happen later in the marriage? The same thing. If you don't feel that you have a voice now, you won't later.

Diamond,
You both need to follow the rules of enthusiastic agreement that Dr.Harley has suggested. I am bordering on the same thing with my chuch. My fiance is not comfortable going to the church that me and my XW attended. I have taken her feelings into concederation. I hate leaving my church family but I am not dismissing us going and looking for a new church home together. I can see where you are going and it has to be a joint agreement where everyone is happy or it will never work.

adamv,

I reread the POJA and we did discuss it somewhat. I totally agree with this policy.

We also discussed changing wallpaper/border etc. We started on the dining room this weekend. I will however, be taking 1 day at a time. Hopefully I will become more comfortable.

I too had to deal with the church issue - but I have overcome that and am able to attend his church. Time does heal. I hope your situation works out too!