My H's brother is engaged. I will call them BIL and SIL (for brother-in-law and sister-in-law). They have a one year old daughter together.

Early in their R she broke up with him to have a R with another guy. They broke up and she got back together with BIL.

She has told me in the last week or so that she's back in contact with the other guy and is trying to get him a job where she works. I told her that I disapprove, and that she should talk to BIL. She said that BIL is okay with it.

Well, BIL was over this weekend to hang out with his brother and I asked him if he was really okay with it. He said absolutely not. So SIL is lying about it.

My question is: how to I discourage this contact? I'm not sure if it's better to listen to her and report back to BIL if there's anything that "he should know about" or ask her not to talk to me about this other guy. If you were BIL, what would you want?

I don't want to act too harsh or she'll keep my niece away, which she did the last time I said something she didn't like.

Any suggestions?

Cat

I guess I should add that I feel if I do listen to her without discouraging it, she'll think I approve. I just see bad things happening if she keeps in contact with this other guy. She has admitted in the past that she never really got over him (this was about a year ago, the R with the other guy ended about three years ago).

bump ^^^

I really would like some help with this...

Tell her that you don't approve. Tell her that she needs to end contact and be honest with her H. If she keeps your niece away because of that, you need to make sure that your H and your BIL know that's what is going on. Make it very clear to her how you feel on this, and why.

She doesn't see anything wrong with staying in contact - she's even set up one of her girlfriends with one of the guy's buddies so that she'll have a way of checking up on him. Is there anything that I could say that might get through to her?

You said:



Why you didn't say to your BIL she said you were OK with it? She didn't tell you to keep what she said a secret. Enabling would mean keeping a secret for her...


YOU CAN NOT. You are POWERLESS over this.

The best thing I think you can do is to model HONESTY for all involved. You won't lie. You won't keep secrets NO MATTER WHAT!!

So if you listen to her, make it clear to her that you will openly share with your BIL.

You said:



She can keep the niece away regardless of what you do. The niece is her child.

Please do not allow yourself to be controlled by this person. She sounds manipulative and emotionally unstable to me.

She says that there's nothing wrong with staying in contact....

Well in that case, she should have no issue with your BIL knowing about that contact, or with you sharing anything she tells you with him, right?

Thank you Mimi and Owl for your input.

I absolutely told him what she told me! Next time she brings it up I will tell her that I don't approve and that I would rather she doesn't tell me about it.

Thank you for clarifying that enabling is about keeping secrets.

Cat