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We're married 5 yrs with a 2 yr old daughter.
I work full time and do freelance work to make ends meet
She stays w baby, exercises at the Y, and works some evenings.
She has been increasingly unhappy no matter how hard I try to please her. She has been uninterested in sex and I'm unhappy too.
Now she says that she has lost that "Spark" making her "in Love" with me. She says she still loves me, but not in that way.
I love her, and think that we can work out these problems and get back to being "in love". She doesn't think that the "spark" is something that can be controlled or regained. She's currently not willing to try and reconsile this.
Now she wants to seperate. She had me move out of our bedroom into the office. She wants us to get seperate places, but we can't afford that.
We're going to some counciling session, which may be good, but she is not at all currently willing to reconcile.
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Which leads me to this...
People online suggested that she is cheating. I had NOT suspect that but I did some checking.
I found 3 emails from a guy at the Y to her guy. She is very involved in the Y, so this doens't mean much. They said nothing specific either.
I found that she had looked up articles online about "cheating"
SHe has also recently lost weight and switched to newer lingerie.
The big thing was she has this new birthcontrol (Vaginal Film) that she bought after the last time we slept togehter. I checked and 3 were missing.
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Last Night, I confronted her, very mad.
She showed me the Birth control instructions: they tell you to test it a few times, because it's difficult to insert. And admitted that she had thought about cheating (because she's already unhappy) but hadn't done anything.
She was also really mad that I looked at her stuff. Then she took our baby and went to a friends house for a few hours. I don't know that her angry reaction means much. She has always had a temper and gotten angry easilly.
She claims that she has just been thinking in general about finding someone else because she's unhappy. I'm sure that I have thought that too at times. I don't really blame her for thinking that. (Of course, I'm against it!) SO, I ended up looking like a paranoid idiot.
So, there are signs of an affair, but nothing concrete.
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What should I do to solve this and get my marriage back on track?
HOW do I confront her, if necessary?
D-Day 6-13-05
Plan B began 9-29-05
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She sounds very defensive - I believe that when people have nothing to hide, they don't care if you go snooping around. If she is prepared to go to counselling with you, that is a very positive move. TT
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GRAMM:
She does fit the script of a WAYWARD WIFE.
Read up on the MB Basic Concepts especially PLAN A.
Don't agree to a separation.
Move back into your bedroom.
Continue to talk about how you want to reconcile your marriage. Stick with this regardless of what she says and does.
Keep coming back to talk to the folks here. We can help you. We have been through this, too.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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I'll try and find the book. (I've read His Needs Her Needs)
Can I get a synopsis of "Plan A"??
D-Day 6-13-05
Plan B began 9-29-05
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Gramm, Mimi is right, move back into your bedroom now. If she wants to seperate, then make her do the work. No in-house "seperations."
Plan A is basically this: trying your best to meet her needs, avoiding lovebusters and doing everything in your power to bust up the affair, if there is one. I suspect she is having an affair. All the classic symptoms are there. But, don't accuse her, just start snooping. Start with putting a Radio Shack recorder on your phone and some spyware on your computer. If she has a cell phone, go online and look at her bill to see who she is talking to.
But, first things first, get back in your bedroom!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't want her to leave because she would take my daughter if she tried to move out somewhere...
I'm not big on sleeping in the guest room, but before I agreed to that, she had been sleeping in a chair every night.
D-Day 6-13-05
Plan B began 9-29-05
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Gramm, if she wants to take your daughter, you tell her no. You are a parent also.
If she wants to sleep on a chair that is her decision, but you are hurting yourself by agreeing to move out of your bedroom. If she wants to seperate, then you should not protect her from the consequences of her choices.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Gramn,
Listen very carefully to the wise people here on this site.
They KNOW from whence they speak.
Classic signs and symptoms all seem to be be in place. Don't sit back and wallow in your anger, which is a natural reaction. You've got to be proactive, RIGHT NOW, before it goes any further!
If you have seen E-Mails that make you suspicous, find out the nature and content of these.
One of the most hard concepts to understand at times, is the gut feeling that something like infidelity could possibly take place in your marriage. That's why when it happens, we are in shock and disbelief.
Time to act! Find out who OM on e-mail is. Read everything on this site about infidelity. Read HN/HN. Find out what's lacking in your marriage that created this atmosphere. Another great book is "Not Just Friends" by Shirlee Glass.
Get busy! It's time to save your marriage!
Jerry
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OK, suppose I come up with more evidence of an affair...
How much evidence do I need??
What do I do? calmly confront her? Confront the guy? I thought she would tell me the truth yesterday, but that didn't work at all. I think no matter what I do, she will be defensive...
D-Day 6-13-05
Plan B began 9-29-05
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You need evidence that it is TRUE, thats how much evidence you need. And that is why I suggested tapping your phone and computer and looking at her cell phone bill. If that doesn't clear her, then hire a P.I.
DO NOT confront her until you have evidence and quit asking her about it. She will not likely bust herself so that is a waste of time. Just quietly check up on her.
And move back in your room tonight!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I thought she would tell me the truth yesterday, Never gonna happen, understand this concept first.
WS's are the Biggest LIARS in the World, period.
They lie to continue the affair, out of Guilt, Shame, spouse knowing the truth, etc..I think no matter what I do, she will be defensive... [b]Now you're gettting it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
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Well, yet again, I'm not sure what to think.
I snooped more and bugged the computer (which makes me feel like a real [censored])
The online phone records and the calls in her cell phone were not suspicious at all.
She moved her cell phone charger over by her bed, which I thought was suspicious, but she was waiting for a late night call from her friend/confidant, which she got.
D-Day 6-13-05
Plan B began 9-29-05
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snooped more and bugged the computer (which makes me feel like a real [censored]) Why? It's your computer. You can do what you want to do with it. she was waiting for a late night call from her friend/confidant, which she got You can't be sure who she was really talking to, can you? Did you listen to the conversation or did she leave the room?
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Sniff, sniff, I smell an affair.
Think of the men your wife knows - it is usually a friend of the husband or family, a neighbor, a workmate, an old love, or someone involved in the same sports, activities.
Can you think of anyone?
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DO NOT confront her until you have evidence and quit asking her about it. She will not likely bust herself so that is a waste of time. Just quietly check up on her. ditto this advice It's very likely - based on your description so far - that she is already in an affair. Just assume she is and continue being watchful. I suggest that you act as if her explanations satisfied you. Play the fool. WSs easily convince themselves that they're pulling the wool over everyone's eyes and eventually get careless. She will likely accidently reveal it herself even if you don't snoop. But snoop you must. Even if she's not in an affair, Plan A will pay dividends for your marriage and yourself. Here's my canned description of Plan A: The way I understand Plan A, it's based on two premises that must be accepted for “garden variety” affairs:
1. The BS cannot end the affair.
2. The affair developed, to some extent great or small, due to a poor marital environment which the BS, to some extent great or small, contributed to.
If a BS cannot accept these two statements as givens, they will not be able to implement Plan A.
With these facts established, there is only one constructive thing a BS can do to influence the course of an affair: change the affair-friendly marital environment by eliminating the BS contributions to it.
To this end, the BS must perform an introspective search for all the things they were doing or not doing that contributed to the WS's decision to have an affair - and then eliminate those negative contributions. These may include failure to meet emotional needs or disbursing too many love busters - but is usually some combination of both.
This DOES NOT mean that the BS "caused" the affair. This DOES NOT mean that the BS can or should try to change failings of the WS.
It simply means that the BS needs to change and improve the only thing they have control over - themselves - to eliminate love busters and begin meeting as many emotional needs of the WS as they can.
Central in this is stopping all disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, and selfish demands. This is agonizingly difficult in the face of an affair. A BS has to counter the common knee jerk reactions of demanding the WS "straighten up" and delivering ultimatums and threats. Acting in this fashion simply reinforces the WS's rationalizations to conduct the affair in the first place - because the marriage "is over" or expendable and the spouse is unreasonable, therefore the affair is justifiable.
Invariably, this course leads BSs to feel like doormats and [censored] kissers. It also conjures up thoughts of enabling the affair by not resisting it. But the better logic to apply is that the BS isn't a doormat or enabling because they're doing the only things in their power to stop the affair - it's just counterintuitive to the initial reactions. This doesn't mean that boundaries shouldn't be set and protective measures shouldn't be taken.
Let me add that Plan A is all about the BS. You do not "Plan A" your WS. It is not intended to change ANYTHING but the BS.
I'll end this by offering that there is one additional thing a BS can do to alter the course of the affair - but I call it "destructive" rather than "constructive" (to separate it from the one and only constructive thing, discussed above). It's to expose the affair to the light of day. But this deserves its own discussion.
OK, one more thing. The affair is very, very likely to end DESPITE what the BS does or does not do. Until it ends, there is NO chance for reconciliation. Ideally, Plan A improvements can encourage the WS to end the affair sooner because the spouse's "causes" of it are eliminated. But regardless, following Plan A prepares the BS for a successful reconciliation whenever and for whatever reason the affair ends by jump starting the process - their share of pre-existing marital problems are already confronted. Also read the link in my sig line below. Whatever you do, DO NOT agree to any separation. She may choose to separate unilaterally. If so, communicate to her that you do not desire this and separation is counterproductive to improving a marriage. But you can't make her stay. If she threatens to take your child, get an attorney FAST and tell us here. We can assist you with how to handle that.
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I get the point. Improve yourself...
What does "BS" stand for?
She is currently OK to have us in the same house, but would take the baby if I forced her out.
I don't want to drive her away. Wouldn't fighting over the baby just create more problems?
D-Day 6-13-05
Plan B began 9-29-05
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BS = betrayed spouse >> you WS = wayward spouse >> her You should not force her out. NO, NO, NO. Besides, you probably can't. Likewise, she can't force you out. Neither of you "takes" the baby. The minute she threatens this, you get an attorney - if not sooner. Fighting over the baby IS a problem. Hopefully you won't have to. But if she leaves with the baby, she has started the problems. At that point, you are trying to minimize the problem for the baby. She is currently OK to have us in the same house What do you mean, "OK"? Are you inferring that she thinks she has an option? Under no circumstances do you agree to leave the house, OK? NONE! PERIOD! If she asks you to, just calmly decline saying that you have no intention of leaving your family and that would be counterproductive to improving your marriage. WAT
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Gramm,
I would very much concentrate on the guy at the Y. Find out his name and if he is married.
Maybe start going to the Y with her, telling her that you really need to get in shape too! I would think she would love your company.....unless it will hinder her contact with Yguy.
k
CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
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Oh, I know Y Guy...
He is the ADMINISTRATOR at this Y!
I have his name, email, phone number and address. I also know his wife's name!
I don't have a Y membership. I doubt that they would do anything in public though. She has lots of friends there who would not all keep quiet. Also, she visits the Y while I'm at work, so I probably wouldnt catch anything by signing up anyway.
I still have no "proof", but you've gotta see my latest evidence...
So, yesterday I installed a spyware program...
Here is what I found. She had apparently just set up a new email account! My hacking allowed me to take a look...
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Subject: Bye
Date: Fri, 27 May 2005 11:57:55 -0400
From: "Y Guy" <....org>
To: "Wife" <....com>
Have a good time while I am gone, think of me often! I’ll see you bright and early Monday morning.
Y Guy
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Subject: RE: email
Date: Fri, 27 May 2005 06:57:12 -0400
From: "Y Guy" <....org>
To: "Wife" <....com>
I got in early this morning and put the Lisa Loeb CD in just as the sun was coming up. Yes, “IF” it is, I will wander for you.
Y Guy
-----Original Message-----
From: wife [mailto:....com]
Sent: Thursday, May 26, 2005 6:19 PM
To: Y Guy
Subject: email
this one's just for you...
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What do you think of them apples?!?
I am so pissed! For now, I'll hold in my rage and gather more information. How much info do I need? When I do confront her, how should I do it?
Also, "Y Guy" has a wife. Should I call her at some point??
D-Day 6-13-05
Plan B began 9-29-05
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I am so pissed! For now, I'll hold in my rage and gather more information. How much info do I need? When I do confront her, how should I do it? First of all, please read WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses and follow the instructions to the letter. Also, "Y Guy" has a wife. Should I call her at some point?? Yes, for an important part of Plan A is the exposure of the affair to the outside world to the people who are closest to the WS [wayward spouse] which happens to be the BS [betrayed spouse]. But make sure that you have verifiable proof to show the OM's W otherwise you may encounter a possible negative reaction against you. And be ready for an almost guaranteed angry reaction from your W about 'invading my privacy' when the word gets back to her that you have exposed her affair. Exposure injects a lethal dose of reality into the fantasy which is the affair and hastens its eventual demise. TMCM
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