Well, there are several theories.

SHE would say it is that she isn't "IN LOVE" with me any moe and is just going through the motions.

She lives in another country from her family.

We are always tight on money which she blames on me. She wants me to "take care of her". I work full time, am looking for better job, and do freelance work. I don't know what more I can do!

She gets agrivated with our baby for acting up

She gets annoyed by just about everything that my parents do.

I installed spyware and the next day, my spyware showed me that she had sent this guy an email from a new email account. The Message "This one is just for you" means (to me) that this email account is private and only for him and her to corespond with. I had previously told her that I looked at her web log and emails. The next day, she deleted a message from this guy in her normal account, and apparently set up this new account to correspond with him.
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Couldn't you send her an email to her new account with the message "this one is for you" and see how she reacts??

Yes, but I'm leaving my knowlege of this account secret, until I am ready to bust them. In the last email, YGuy says "See you bright and early monday morning!"
Now, If my wife DOES go to the Y on monday morning, isn't that the PERFECT time to catch them?!?

Catch them doing what though ? excercising?? It would only work if you knew what they were doing & if its not a PA how would you catch them EA ing at the Y?

Can't you see the two of them saying to all & sundry 'You see isnt he crazy"!!! Look everyone wasn't I SO right about him??'
You might be giving them free shots at you.

Like MEL I think you need to be a bit patient and gather more evidence, if that means going to the Y to see whats goes on perhaps ... but it may simply alert them to the fact you are sus. At this stage is that counter productive unless you catch them in a compromising sit??

Gramm there is no quick 'fix' I suspect in this. I've never seen a quick fix in the time I have been here.
This situation needs some MC and IC for both of you but to get to that place you need to gather your evidence before exposing as Mel points out.

I know this sucks and is so hard for you but line up all your ducks before you start shooting Gramm.

If he did that, he would give himself away before he gets the goods. He would shoot himself in the foot.

Aussiewife...
You've got a point. I don't know what, if anything I'd find at the Y. BUT, it seems like a good opportunity to do SOMETHING.

Gramn, just hang tight until you get enough evidence, ok? I know its hard to wait, but YOU MUST be strategic about this. They will give themselves away eventually. Hopefully, you can find out more now that you have uncovered this little email account.

Do you think they talk on your land line? If so, you can tap your phone.

DO you have a link to one of these phone taps that you're referring to?

I came up with a good compromise for tomorrow. Wife has a weekly dance class at the Y at 9. So I'm probably not going to walk in on anything crazy anyway. BUT since I have the day off tomorrow, I might go along with our daughter to take her swimming. Play with daughter/ keep an eye on things... ETC...

Gramn, just go to Radio Shack and ask them about the phone taps. I think they are pretty simple to set up.

Gramm and all:

Inability to climax is definitely a side effect of Zoloft!

Is she still on this medication?

I agree to wait until you have definite evidence.

However, I think you will the evidence very soon.

Zoloft side effect, huh? Yeah, she's still on it.Maybe I should not mention that bit of information until I squash this affair. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I got into her cell phone's voice mail and got some guy saying this:
"Hey Sweetheart, when you get out of work, give me a call"

Gramn-

Document EVERYTHING. Start a journal, but do so in a fashion that you can make SURE that your wife won't know/be able to access.

This sounds EXACTLY like the kind of thing that was going on in my wife's EA...only in her case, there was no chance of it going PA, as he lives on the other side of the US.

When you finally have a confrontation with her, realize she's going to deny EVERYTHING...that is standard operating procedure in these cases. And the one point you need to keep clear...would she approve (or would anyone standing outside looking at this) of what she said to him if it were coming from you to another woman???

She's not going to be rational or pleasant about any of this...so make sure you're ready to stand your ground when it happens.

I'm sad for you in learning about this Gramm.

I know this must surely enrage you to hear another man speak to your wife this way.

However, try to remain calm and gather as much information as you can.

As others have indicated, knowledge is power for you.

Well, I messed up. Above, I mentioned a voice mail that I hacked into. At the time, I tried to forward it to my phone for safekeeping. Somehow, instead of coming to my phone, it showed up as a message from me on her phone...

So she confronted me on it and flipped out that I was STILL invading her privacy. So she practically kicked me out of the house. She said that the message was from her gay friend.

I smoothed things over a little bit, but every time I mention these secrets, she pulls away from me even further.

It's to a point where I don't even want to collect more evidence or confront her. SHe just gives excuses at everything.

And I don't know what to think. SOME of these excuses are probably legit. I'm all paranoid and it's hard to tell. She almost called all of her friends to warn them that I might be checking up on them. I Flatly denied that I'd done that. (Which is true), BUT I was ready to try and call one of these guys that I'd found in her phone bill.

Disclaimer first: Today I am on a CRUSADE against As! I am personally so happy in my RECOVERED marriage, GRAMN and so easily could have given up. So here goes...

You fell off of your horse! Time to get back up in the saddle. It's a good thing that you are fighting for your marriage. Don't back off like I did. For years, I probably enabled my FWH's A because I didn't want to believe that it was happening. He gave me all kinds of flimsy excuses like your wife is giving you. She is trying to get you to back off. She is trying to make you into the BAD GUY. All part of the WS script.

It is not OK to have "PRIVACY" in a MARRIAGE. It is not OK for your wife to accuse you of "invading her privacy". You are a married couple. Your lives are supposed to be OPEN BOOKS. If she is wanting to keep secrets from you, this is a sign of a problem. Talk to her calmly about how you don't want to keep secrets any longer.

Why is it OK for her to kick you out of the house? She can't do that nor is it reasonable for her to want to do that because you were concerned about phone calls to her. Is she being defensive?

I'll be back later.

OK...so she's mad at you for checking her voicemail. Does she NOT understand that she shouldn't have ANYTHING to hide from you?? And if she doesn't have anything to hide, why would she be so upset by your 'checking' on her?!?!?

If it really comes down to it, lay it out for her just like that. There is NO reason that she should need privacy...no more than you should. If she's got nothing to hide, then hide nothing. What does she lose by not 'having privacy'? NOTHING. What does she gain? Your trust, and a better marriage. Try telling that to her and see how she responds.

Stop flipping out and acting like you did something wrong; you didn't. She is flipping out because she is guilty and you are hot on her trail! People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. And she is running scared. So, just calm down and continue gathering evidence quietly. Then, when you get enough info, call the OM's wife and tell her about the affair. THEN, confront your W with the fact that you KNOW about her affair.

Be calm. Be strategic. And don't show your hand until you have a full house. CARRY ON, SOLDIER!

P.S. and it doesn't matter if she gives you excuses. You don't need her admission to know the truth. You don't need her admission to prove what you know is true. So, don't worry about that at this point. She will eventually run out of lies and excuses when you expose her.

IMHO, an honest reaction by a faithful wife upon learning that her husband thinks she is having an A would be: concern (oh he feels I don't love him), reassurance (honey, don't worry I love you!) and probably a little bit of feeling flattered (gee, he is jealous!). It WOULD NOT BE defensive or accusing.

No doubt she is defending a bad little secret!

Don't let her suck you into believing you are doing something bad. Good job for following through to protect your M and your W from an A.

Don't give up. But rest assured she will be really careful now. Just keep quietly collecting evidence. Make a case. And then GO PUBLIC as fast as possible and all at once.

Good luck.