Gee, like I needed more to do...
(sarcasm)


I tried to see what I could find on her. Not much. I found a few entries for people with her name who had been in volleyball or racing horses. I think it's probably just several people with the same name though.

Any advice on finding info about her, besides just cold calling?

anywho.com

Where I live public records on are on the web. You can search by name and street address.

There are also websites on which you can do a records search for a fee-around $19.95.

http://www.zabasearch.com/

comes up with interesting results sometimes

Gramn, you are in good hands. Do whatever these people say.

Gramm

just keep hanging on until you get some info on the Y guys wife. HAve you thought of electoral rolls? In Aust anyone can access them for a standard fee of around $20.
Also if you have address check who owns it..if rented you might get some info from owner, or if they own it it might confirm that they are together.
Just take your time.
Once you feel you have what you need in the proof area remember to come back to see Mel or mimi etc and discuss the best way to go about exposing.

Just for now put away that 'fix it' kit you carry around and listen to the good advise..I know its hard.. and painful and hurts like h*ll. Remember the aim, your Daughter will have a full loving family.

DO NOT LET HER RUN YOU ROUND Gramm ...ok? She CANT throw you out ok? She CANT take your DD and go unless you let her...sure you cannot stop HER going by herself,,but then you never could. Put the onus BACK on her in the meantime, do not retreat on this, no compromise, no agreements, what you say Gram is NO, NO ,NO, NO, NO, NO, politely of course!

Gramm when in a affair the WS will say night is day standing out under the fulll moon. My brother caught his ww in bed with a OM and she stated 'Nothing is going on" & "look we're just friends its got nothing to do with you" Mmmm ......... I wasnt that STUPID but I guess I sure had the makings.

Patience, gather info, watch her actions, guard your tongue & actions .... I'm sorry but you will find more proof fairly soon by the sounds of it .... all the best.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Gramn:

Just being curious, I checked out www.zabasearch.com.

There listed was all of the FOW's previous names, previous addresses and phone numbers. Yes, plural on the names... She is not a person of good character....

I had one listing and one name, no phone number, old address. My life has been boring, I guess.

Well, we just had a counciling session...
I didn't bring up the OM

The Dr established:
She is not "In Love" with me and that she can't say anything to make me accept that.
No amount of working on the marriage will make her change her mind, and I can't accept that.

How could you have seen a MARRIAGE COUNSELOR?

Totally disregard whatever that counselor said to you.

I think that is awful. That person should not be doing MARRIAGE Counseling.

I am happily recovered in my marriage and saw several useless counselors such as this.

My FWH saw a therapist just before leaving to spend the whole weekend with the FOW....

Listen to us here....

This disgusts me.....

BTW: Continue your research as planned. Remember your WW's goal during the session was to encourage you to back off. She is the same alien that I discussed earlier, with the same goal of trying to get her fix from the OM.

Excuse for "going off" on your counselor. However, I do feel that such counselors are useless.

I was thinking of clueing this guy in on what is really going on. I'm not sure if that would do more good or harm though, so I've decided to wait.

This OM is out of town until monday. It seems like this is going to take a long time to progress...

Gramn:

In my opinion, the counselor you are seeing is not experienced and could do more harm than good. He was going along with your WW saying she is not "in love" with you? He was wanting you to "accept" this? This is how I read your post. I don't think that is a reasonable expectation for you.

You may have gotten some valuable information in the session now that I think about it. Did your WW indicate WHY she "feels like" she is not "in love" with you? This will clue you in to your PLAN A. What is she NEEDING from you? More attention? More romance? More affection? More conversation? This is what the therapist might have asked her if he was trying to HELP you with your MARRIAGE!

[b]Screw the MC and call Steve Harley, faaaaaaaaaast.

My wife and I went to MC shortly after D-Day. We had the Worst MC Biaaaaaaaaaaaatch in the World. Turned out this Biaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatch works at a Battered Womens shelter and blames Men for everthing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

She called my wife in first for 20 minutes while I waited.

She then called me in asked me to sit down and said "I recommmend the 2 of you go your seperate ways (Divorce). I was sooooooooooo F'n pi$$ed. I called her a F'n biatch and every swear word I know.

She called the Police but I gave her 10 minutes of pure F'n Hell that she will NEVER forget.

The biatch said " I spoke to your wife and she doesn't Love you." I said "No s*** biatch, why the F do you think I'm here. I paid you $165 to tell me this. I had faxed the biatch 7 pages of our entire marital history (my wife reviewed).

I told her I had a half hour left and I wanted to talk to my wife about counseling. She said "I'm sorry it takes 2 to work on a marriage and I don't go against my patients wishes." I said "why the F do you think I came here. I knew she didn't Love me, I was expecting you to give us homework, contact our priest, anything to try and resolve the situation.

The biatch said "it's best for the children if you 2 divorce and move on." I should have slapped the S*** out of her, F'n biatch.

Please don't rely on any MC except the Harleys, enough said.

Here I am 8 months past D-Day (Sept '04) and I am back in our bed and my wife wants to stay together. Originally my wife wanted me out in one week, last Oct 1. I contacted Steve the following morning and set up a time for my wife to call him the following day during her lunch break. She called him via her cellphone from her car.

Steve explained to her "How people Fall IN Love and OUT of Love."


Steve then talked to my wife about "Conditional love vs UNconditional Love." All love is conditional, we have to meet each others needs.

My wife changed her attitude immediately. It's still a very tough road to follow but it can work.

Listen to us, everyone here is an Expert. We have all been thru Hell and back.

Do NOT do or say anything without consulting us first.

If you try this by yourself consider your wife gone. May as well file for divorce today and let OM have his way with her.

Andrew

THANK YOU, ANDREW!!!!

This is why I love MB. This is such a support group!

Here I was thinking I overreacted.

Andrew, you were sharing my same thoughts....

Hmm...

I'm going to confront this EA situation when I'm ready, don't have a cow...

I do get what you're saying about needing the right councilor, but I think she would be HIGHLY reluctant to call some guy I found online. (She started reading "His Needs, Her Needs" and hated it!)

As it stands, she is convinced that she doesn't love me and has been "living a lie"...

Gramn:

You said this about your WW:



What I am saying will sound like a broken record...

This is standard for a WS. My FWH said this and most other WSes on this site said this. Your WW is no different than any others.

No. She may not feel "in love" with you right now. That's because she is in the midst of an addiction to the Y GUY.

Is she able to be "in love" with you again? Yes.

How? Come up with YOUR PLAN. What does your WW need from you? What needs is the OM meeting? How are you going to expose this? Who are you going to contact? What proof do you have?

Remain rational and develop your BATTLE PLAN.

You can contact Steve Harley yourself for counseling even if she does not participate.


So What Do you Think?

To schedule an appointment with Steve Harley, you may use one of two options:

Call toll-free 1 (888) 639-1639
or
e-mail (counsel@marriagebuilders.com) an appointment request by completing the form below.
Appointments may be scheduled as early as 6:00am Central Time (GMT -06:00) and as late as 9:00pm Central Time Monday thru Thursday. Appointments may be scheduled 6:00am Central Time to 3:00pm Central Time on Friday, also.

Of course that's how she feels...because it's the only way she can 'justify' what she's doing!!!

Here's the thing. You need to get as much evidence as you can...you need to be able to PROVE the emotional affair...if not a physical one if it exists.

And you need to EXPOSE that to everyone and their brother. Call her parents, your parents, her friends, your friends, the OM's wife, family, friends. Tell the neighbors, the guy up the street...make sure that your pets even know what's going on (poor dogs and cats...always get left out.../sigh).

She's going to be MAD. She's going to HATE you for it. She'll tell you that you ruined her life... And guess what? The reason she's going to feel that way is.....SHE CAN'T HIDE IT ANYMORE. And...she can't keep lying about it! Because everyone that knows the both of you knows how it REALLY is...and she's not going to have any ground to stand on. People will tell her that she's an idiot for behaving like this...and it will be impossible for her to keep on doing it.

And so hopefully, the affair will end. And then she'll go into withdrawl. She'll hate you even more...you ruined her life!! She'll tell you that she NEVER loved you!!! And that will last for a good while after her affair has ended.

And then, slowly...reality starts to seep back in. She starts seeing things how they REALLY were..and what she was doing and how bad it was. And then, hopefully if all has gone right...she'll begin to work with you to rebuild your M. It's not easy, it's not fast, but it DOES happen. I know...I've been there.

Ok now. There's TA and OWL and ME telling you the same story. We've been in your shoes, walked your same road, heard the same WS tales.... There's more of us HERE....

BELIEVE US!!!

Thanks for all of the support everyone.

Would there be a point to having her call Steve before I explose the A? Also, isnt the idea to tell few people what is going on in Plan A, and then to tell a bunch of people in Plan B if A doesn't work?

In your sitch, I suggest that YOU call Steve Harley ASAP to ask him how he would suggest that you should proceed. If you are able to do this, he can tell you about whom to inform and how to do that.

We can be your support system based on our experiences. Steve is the EXPERT, actual GENIUS, in my opinion regarding these matters....

Ok, since I talk to Steve probably more than anyone here, let me give you some advice.

Fax Steve your marriage background and general data on the both of you one day before the session takes place. When you call him the first question is "Steve did you receive my fax and read it?" Sometimes he will read while you are talking, he reads and comprehends fast.

Set up appt for you, not your wife. Steve will tell you what to do next.

Fax 651-769-0972
Office for scheduling 888-639-1639
sharley@marriagebuilders.com

When you call him take notes (fast) or use a voice recorder to talk into. Steve will give you a ton of questions to ask your wife. The one hour session is actually 50 minutes (10 min for his notes).

Make sure to get a Plan of attack from Steve.

Have a list of questions you want to ask Steve and ask them in order of importance.

I usually have 50 questions and we get thru 3 or 4. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Good Luck

Andrew