I T-TOTALLY AGREE WITH THIS!!!

I had no idea that so many of you had talked to Steve...

Well, how much are these sessions w Steve? We've already got way too much debt than we can handle.

In the mean time, I'll still try to collect info, but I have not found any signs of contact between them today or yesterday. (I think he's on vacation until monday)

The sessions are costly.

You might want to weigh the benefits of this vs. separation/divorce which would be even more costly for you, setting up two households, etc.

Even one session would prove helpful to you at this point, Gramn.

Did you check out those websites to get info. about the OM and the status of his marriage, how to contact his wife, etc.

Well for that price, I could do an hour.
I know Steve is great, but I'm skeptical of an "miracle" solutions, you know?

DO THE HOUR.

You will be surprised about how helpful it will be.

No there are no "miracles". Hard work is necessary. He will coach you on how to specifically direct your energy.

So are you going to go ahead and make the appointment?

How is your research going?

Gramn -

I never thought I could afford the counseling here. Instead I lost over $100,000. so far. I have heard of many, many people being helped by just a few calls.

You are doing very well so far. You seem to be able to follow the MB plan, and not fly off the handle like I did. Hang in there, and talk to the folks here before you take action.

I have not found anything since the day before yesterday.
(Remember, the OM I suspect is on vacation unit monday)

BUT, I've still been checking her emails and stuff, which makes me feel like crap. I promised her that I wouldnt pry into her stuff any more. By doing so, I'm as much a liar as she is. I've thought about just confronting her with the info that I have previously gathered.

I don't know....

I wouldn't confront based on what you've posted here. There's not enough flat out undeniable things that she wouldn't be able to twist to suit her view of things.

And you're NOT lying by checking up on her. I know that I would have NO issue with MY wife checking up on MY emails and such...and SHE was the one who had the EA! It's a matter of fighting to fix your marriage. The only reason she'd be angry is BECAUSE she's trying to hide things!!

Don't confront/expose until you've got enough information to support your claims. Having the email access is a good thing...do you know if they use IM's to communicate? If so, get her account and login info (with the keylogger, or just guess at her password), and enable logging of her chat sessions. Then wait a few days and check the log...that is EXACTLY how I got proof of my wife's EA.

Listen to these people. I was in almost your exact position a year ago and almost all the stories are the same. Your natural instinct is to confront and expose as soon as you have a shred of evidence. Fly off the handle accuse and blame. That is a one way ticket to being single. most likly it will only prove to her why she doesnt love you.

If you wait you will probably see more than you want to but you will need to know this in the end. It will help you be comfortable that she has indeed come clean. Affairs are so much like a drug addiction. Your wife will lie and turn the tables and blame you for EVERYTHING including the affair itself. A crack addict does the same thing. They cannot accept responsibility for something so wrong.

The fact is she has found something so "wonderful" and "amazing" she has lost touch with reality. Most affairs dont work cause you lose that feeling and are left with what most of us already have. A partnership that takes a hell of a lot of work to keep going and thriving. She already has that with you but neither of you worked at it so it is in disarray. She is living a fairy tale and she thinks she has found prince charming "her soul mate". Little does she know prince charming forgets to put the toilet seat down or cannot provide everything she needs either. There are no fairy tales in real life. There are no soul mates. Every couple has those times where they want out. She just fell into the trap where someone was there to fill a void you helped create. That is where you have accountability. You have to learn how to fill that void. Not right now cause no one can do that like Prince Charming at the moment. The time will come if you are patient.

I wish I could tell you it will get easier but it wont. The really hard work comes after confrontation and admission. My advise is pick a public place. My lawyer advised me of this so there can be no allegations of physical harm. This is a very typical accusation especially when children are invovled and trust me your wife is not your wife right now and is capable of anything when this secret is exposed. All of her guilt, same, and embarrassment will crash down on her. You are going to send her from cloud nine to the bottom of hell where you have been dwelling in one swift motion. The ugliness of what she has done will be exposed. As awkward as it may sound I really felt for the amount of pain my wife had and I was sorry I put her there. Just like an addict though you need to hit bottom to recover.

The next piece of advice is wait as long as you possibly can and plan it all out. It will most likely never go as planned but being prepared is key. Try to hit your W and the Y Guys W at about the same time so they cannot come up with a "story". This creates tension on both sides of the affair. I confronted my wife at the airport baggage claim of all places and told the OM W on the way to the airport. I also cut off her cell phone to make sure she could not communicate and be warned. I knew about the affair (solid concrete proof) for two weeks and had suspected for strongly for 6 weeks when I got the "not in love" speech everyone gets. It was pure hell. I knew she was taking my eldest on a vacation and both kids would be at my inlaws upon her return. I didnt want to ruin my daughters trip to NYC so I held on to it and now I am glad I did. It helped me go through some of the grief and figure out what I wanted. I lost twenty lbs in those two weeks. I was a wreck but I am thankful I waited. You need to start getting over this before you send her down with you. It is a grieving process and it helps if you are one step ahead of her in that as well. You can understand and appreciate what each of you is going through. It makes the fact that she is mourning the loss of a lover a little easier to swallow. And trust me THAT is a tough one.

The final bit of advise is one I wish I would have done. DO NOT SPILL ALL OF YOUR INFO AT ONCE. You dont need to tell her how you got it. She will blame you for invading her privacy. Were you wrong too. NO. I felt like crap too for what I did but I did it for good reason and was in the right. If you tell her everything upfront you will lose the advantage when slip ups occur. Again like an addict they probably will. There will be contact and you need to be sure she is telling you and there are no lies. If you give away all of your secrets what is to stop her from continuing the lie.

Like I said this was about where I was a year ago. D-Day was about 10 months ago. The first three months sucked beyond imagination. You need to listen to her, empathize with her, comfort her, accept her for her faults, and stand up to her. Never lose your cool though. but never accept blame. Yes I am sure things were rotten but she was given a choice. She will tell you she didnt leave cause she didnt want to hurt you. That is self serving. I know it hurts so much more that I was lied to and ignored for a really long time. She didnt tell you cause she knew she was wrong and held out some hope that you would change/her feelings would change. I hope some day she will be able to show that to you again. It is truly wonderful to have a wife back.

Thanks for all of that.

I really want to talk to a friend about this, but have been holding back from telling this to my actual friends. This is very hard. I'd like someone to discuss this with, but don't want to tell them at all, or at least until I tell her and eet to "Plan B".

I have already planned on what to tell the OM's wife. I just have to put it all together.

Rather than try to not hurt me, she is plannign that we will split up! So, even if I bust up this A, I don't know if it will help me in the long run...

Gramm - If the affair dies it is very likely that your wife will come back to you.

You may not want to tell your friends, and that is okay. They won't be much help anyway. They will probably tell you to divorce her. That is the way it usually goes.

Stay calm and wait.

Gramm, feeling like a "liar" is a very inappropriate feeling. There is nothing wrong with snooping when you have legitimate suspicions about them. Your wife does not have a right to the privacy to destroy you behind your back. This is all information about YOUR LIFE to which you have a RIGHT. And that information is being wrongfully withheld from you.

Do you think the police are "liars" or immoral when they spy on crack dealers? Of course you don't. That would be ridiculous. Well, it is the same principle. Your wife is actively destroying your marriage behind your back, and you have an OBLIGATION to protect yourself.

So, don't feel guilty about catching her doing something wrong. It is wrong to commit adultery, it is not wrong to CATCH someone doing it.

There are no guarantees, but likely the only reason she even wants to bust up is because of the affair. When the affair is ended and the withdrawal is over, they don't want to split up because the fantasy is burst. That is why we are trying to help you break up this affair.

I know. And thanks for that.

I guess what I'm saying is that we've had other problems long before this started. (I guess this could have been going on for a long time, but the informations does not seem to support that)

SO, even once I get past this, we'll still have a long way to go. And it will be really hard to trust her again.

Gramn:

I would recommend that you read back over FEELIN GROOVY's post to you very carefully if you are interested in the MB SYSTEM. He spells it all out for you.

Had you ever thought that your WW would find you more attractive if you fought for her? Like a WARRIOR, like a KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR, like "YOU ARE MY LADY", "LIKE A COWBOY"... "MACHO MAN"... whatever works for you...

I would recommend that you get to work. It's your choice. The ship is going further and further out to sea...

All marriages have problems. Life is all about problems. What I've learned is that we have got to be willing to WORK on our problems...

There are no magical solutions....

Gramm, but she didn't want to break up until she got into an affair. When folks have problems in a marriage, the logical solution is not to break up, it is to fix the problems. Your W is showing classic, textbook behavior of a WS in the throes of an affair by rewriting history about your marriage and talking about ending it. Don't pay it any mind; they all say that.

Yeah, I want to ge the "Hero" and save the marriage, but that is eaiser in theory than practice...

I have reread FEELIN GROOVY's post and that is the system I'm working toward.

I plan to gather more evidence if I can.
then when I'm ready tell the OM's wife and confront my wife in the same day.

Here is a question though... Do I demand that she break it off or what? I'd like to do that, but couldnt that backfire? I'd thought about threatening to tell more people if she doesn't break it off now, but I'm not sure that threats are good...

Right now she's very sensitive if I tell her to do anything. Yesterday, some friends of hers went out to a bar. I said "You could have gone." She said "I COULD HAVE GONE? Do I need your permission?!?" So, I'm not sure that she'll be sorry or even think of breaking it off if I tell her to. (Not sure of course)

[b]Do you realize that most people here are Experts here on Affairs.

There is most likely NOTHING you could ever tell us that we haven't heard a Million times.

Do you think you are unique?

Of course there were problems long before the affair, it's true with most of us.

Listen to what people here tell you, we are the Experts, you are a neophyte. You know nothing at this point.

It is crucial you listen to the people here at the phase you are at.

Listen to us now and read everything you can get your hands on.

Most of all, don't do ANYTHING until you ask us.

Recovery takes on average 2 years, many triggers and rollercoaster rides. This is NOT going to pass anytime soon, so prepare yourself.

Have you contacted Steve Harley? If not, get on it today.

Andrew