Hey all,<P>I'm sitting here feeling very frustrated today. My wife and I have been making some great progress the last few weeks. We had a bump in the road earlier this week, but we got through it and now things are good again.<P>The thing that's frustrating me is my continued addiction to the OW. I want to stop wanting to talk to her, but I still do. I don't want to need her anymore. Dammitall, I hate this feeling!<P>I feel like I won't be able to get any loving feelings for my wife until this need goes away... so I'm frustrated!!! argh!<P>I realize it takes time. And I'm in this for the long haul... I know what you're all going to say before you say it... "Just have patience, Andy, and continue to work on the emotional needs stuff. It'll all work out." Well, I just needed to vent today I guess. It's better than writing an email to the OW! <P>--andy

andy - Good!! Write to us instead of the OW. DON'T e-mail her!!!<P>As I'm nowhere near the point where you are in your rebuilding effort, I really can't offer any advice. However, I did read (I think in SAA) that if you can't get those feeling back for you wife - fake it until you make it. Have you tried that approach?<P>Even in the unlikely event that my W returns to me, I get to look forward to all those withdrawal symptoms. For your W's sake, PLEASE show her aome affection and tell her that you love her. If she's anything like me, she's scratching for any affirmation from you. I'm going out of my mind with the pain I'm in...I'm sure your W is too. Concentrate on your W...NOT OW!!!

Shattered,<P>Oh don't worry, I'm giving my wife affection! And I'm practicing the "fake it til you make it" thing (even though I don't entirely agree with that thought process, cuz it sounds too dishonest...). The only times I fall down is when I'm too depressed to do that stuff (which is getting less common nowadays).<P>I'm just expressing my frustration cuz... well just cuz I'm frustrated! I'm basically an impatient guy. <P>--andy

hey andy,<P>trying the fake it till ya make it thing too, H finds it totally dishonest and won't go there. <P>My life is right where yours is right now, believe me, and I feel like crap about it.<BR>I'm here too instead of talking to the OM... you and I are doing the right thing, it just doesn't feel good sometimes.<P>Just offering my understanding and continued support, just as you have, my friend <P>Take care... <P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>

I'm afraid I can't give you any great advice since I did just email my OM...although it wasn't very friendly.<P>I know how it feels to need your OP. But why do you feel you NEED someone who isn't willing to give you what you need? The OW hurt you...you shouldn't have to carry around that hurt any longer.<P>I always told myself that I could never turn the "love" I felt for the OM into anger because I always believed that it would only be covering up my real feelings. But, after writing that letter it kind of put things into perspective for me. I can't say I hate the OM...I just hate the way he made me felt, and I guess blaming my utter sorrow on him feels better than hurting so much.<P>I still think about the OM constantly...it just doesn't hurt so much anymore. I honestly can't get him out of my head and I'm not even thinking anything in particular about him...it's like he's trapped in my brain and can't get out!!!<P>Maybe you could write out your thoughts to the OW...concentrating on how she hurt you, but don't send it. Maybe it will help you to get over her.

Airheart--<BR>Funny you should say your an impatient guy. I was just thinking about how impatient I am on the way home from work. I was thinking that I was too impatient to let the hurt from the OM go on any longer...and for once my impatience payed off.

Holly -- I read your post about your letter to the OM and I was gonna respond, but not much time here at work. Also, that new guy flipper has some stuff that is crying out for a response, but I haven't had time for a well thought-out reply...<P>It's hard to explain why I still feel that need. It bums me out! But she didn't hurt me any more than I hurt her. It was the impossibility of the situation that hurt. We never promised anything to each other. We never made plans or any of that stuff. I just missing the simple matter of conversations with her. It's like I said before, I wish to hell I never fell in love with her so I could still be her friend.<P>Sheryl -- thanks for your support! I responded to your latest post too. please read.<P>--andy

You guys all get an A today for choosing what is right over what can make you feel good (temporarily).<P> <P>Good Job!

Hi guys - Here-here TNT I agree!!! I'm SO GLAD that you are all here talking to each other instead of contacting OP. Holly, I read your letter. I thought it was well written. I could definitely feel your emotions - anger, hurt, "love" (in quotes because it really isn't) and your desire to sever the ties. For someone who is feeling the way you do, I thought the letter was very honest. Did your H get a chance to read it before you sent it out? I hope so. Please make that letter YOUR LAST contact to OM.<P>airheart/n_b - so the "fake it till you make it" is really that transparent to your spouses? Is it just a lack of enthusiasm, no sparkle in your eye? How do you think they see your attempts?

Airheart - I'm glad you're venting here, too. You and the other people here keep renewing my faith over and over again. I admire what you're doing so much. Keep being strong - there are a LOT of us pulling for you.<P>Lori

Shattered, my wife appreciates my work in the relationship I think. I believe she views it sort of like a gift I'm giving her, and she is hoping that eventually it will become real and natural. Actually, I'm hoping that too! I'll say one thing -- I'm certainly not faking it in the sex area. Things have gotten much better there, and I don't have to fake anything...

Airheart, <BR>I too struggle with your same feelings. I do not have much advise to give you. My counselor did tell me that she did not agree with the theory of "faking it until you make it". She said it is like wearing a mask and that is not good for you or your wife. <P>I also work with the OM. It seems that weekends are worse because you know you will not see them. I know that the right thing for me to do is to try and make things work with my husband, but it is not easy. The OM was separated from his wife for 5 months and still tells me that I am all he wants. His wife will not agree to a divorce, so he is moving back home tonight in hopes of showing her that it is not going to work. I know that everyone will think this is just an excuse, but I know that he is sincere in his words. I can only hope that for everyone concerned it does work out and that my marriage will eventually take a turn for the better. I know that first I will have to get over him and discontinue all contact. We have tried this several times but as you well know, it is hard.<P>Good luck. And I really respect your strenght. Your wife is a lucky woman that you are trying so hard.

Susan,<P>I can really empathize with your situation. Until very recently I worked with the OW, and it was like some sort of hell. Every time I saw her it was sheer pain because I knew that we could no longer be together even as only friends. It sucked!!<P>I'm hoping that with the new job, I'll start feeling less of a pull towards her. I know that she's pretty much put me out of her mind, but it's damn hard for me to do the same. I've heard that men have a harder time forgetting than women... I don't know if I really believe that based on what I've read on this website, but it seems to be true for my OW's case anyway.<P>Susan, is it possible for you to get another job? Working with the OM has got to be tortuous for you!!!<P>--andy

Andy,<BR>Well, I am the wife that hears my husband trying to "fake it". Sometimes it does feel like a gift from him, but we still hope for the day that sparkle does come back in his eye. I hope you will hang in there and not contact the OW. I hope it gets easier for you. It has to be hard on you because as the betrayed (I hate those titles), it is so hard for me to try to meet my husbands needs too. There is quite a bit of "faking it" going on from our side too. I always think that what I was doing before the affair wasn't good enough so why would it make him feel better now or I find myself comparing the value of my affection over the OW's. There is something that always makes me feel better. When I do something and out of the blue I'll see that sparkle for a second and he uncontrollably says "I love you". It confirms for me that there are still parts of ME that he misses and loves. It causes a chain reaction. I hope you won't give up. It's tough, but remember that you and your W are struggling with what is the "right" thing to feel or do.

about the fake it till ya make it mentality:<P>My H didn't think that I was being transparent, he just felt that it was dishonest to do... for himself. I really truly thought that we could make it, but wasn't strongly "in love" with H. I thought I could show him love until it came back naturally. Like a habit, kinda. But my H just can't "fake it" himself. He is so very unhappy. <P>I beleive that faking it works, honestly. It's worked with the OM too. I fake that I'm fine even though I have to work with him and he basically thinks I'm fine. It's just when I can't fake it anymore that he senses my unhappiness... <P><P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>

Im not sure what fake it really means.Its as if pretending to me.I tell her that she looks pretty,wish I could spend the day with her as she looks so good,will say hi honey and what I get is rolling eyes or a sigh.I wish she wasnt so angry so much.Maybe then we could have a chance,but Im losing interest and tiring as its not easy being nice with poor responses on the heels of being broken,every day I feel more and more hated and knowing she wants the op is upsetting and had been there once before I remember how embaressing and foolish it all was,not to count but very important,WRONG.I hope for our continued strength and truth will lend its knowledge.God help us.

3wishes, good to see you post again! <P>That "faking it" stuff does not necessarily mean pretending. It means doing it even if you don't really feel like it at the moment. Keep doing it and eventually it will become real and natural. Hey -- keep up saying that Sheryl is pretty! Keep that stuff up! Don't worry that she might not respond to it right now. That is not the point! The point is, practice the marriage-builder methods. The point is to be nice just for the sake of being nice. That is what the "faking it" means. Try it some more this weekend when you two are alone together. Sit by her on the couch. Lay your arm around her. No pressure, just be close. No talking or anything. Peace and quiet and closeness and togetherness. I've told this to her and I will now tell it to you -- if she doesn't respond the way you think she should, DON'T GET UPSET! Patience, that's all I ask! <P>I really don't believe that she still wants the OM. She only wants the feeling that the OM gave her. You can give her that. She knows it's in you and she wants you to give that feeling to her so bad!!!<P>Have a good weekend, and I mean that!<BR>--andy

Andy,<P>For what it's worth, here's my (belated ) two cents!<P>I haven't had an affair, but I often find myself fantasizing about having a person to confide in and feel close to. I don't have loving feelings for my H, even though I love him in my head. There isn't much in my heart. If I had someone nearby, like an ex-lover, I would find it very difficult to resist the temptation to contact them. I think they would be the object of my thoughts. Instead of thinking about a fantasy-man, I'd have a real man creeping into my thoughts several times a day. While I eat dinner with my H, while I take my kids to Burger King for lunch, when I'm getting ready for bed, you get the idea. I guess my point is I think it's normal to think about these things. I hope it fades over time as we learn how to get what we need from our spouses.<P>BTW, how long has it been now since your last contact with OW? I figure it's been at least a few weeks since you saw her at work. What does Harley say about how long withdrawal takes? It sounds like posting here is a great alternative to contacting OW!!!<P> Lizbeth