Also, NEVER reveal your sources unless you are prepared to lose them. If you show emails to OMW, then expect not to be able to get any more intel from that source. Personally, I would try to find another way. That is why I like if you can get other sources, or pictures of them together. That way, you can easedrop in on their emails to how they feel and what they are going to do about it. Think this thing thru.

In the military, we called it "third tier effects." We decided on a plan. We then looked at what that plan would do, and all possible outcomes (first tier). We then planned responses to all of those possible outcomes (second tier). And then we looked at what responses would come fro mthat, and had responses ready for those reactions (third tier).

By doing that, then you will be prepared...and you will be able to know what the best course of action (COA) to take in any given situation. As has been said before, you are at WAR now. War for your family, war for your child, war for your wife. Conduct it as a war.

In His arms.

Thanks mortarman...

I've already got a journal on my HD that I've been documenting all of this in...

I know that she is meeting with a Lawyer tomorrow. (Probably for preliminary steps) I am still trying to find a good one. A friend of my Father's is a local judge. I called him to see if he'd give me advice... I hope he calls back. Either way, I'd better find one fast...




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WHen I do confront her, should I show her print outs of emails and phone bills and all that, or just leave things vague? I have been thinking of doing a little of both...

I'm having a hard time trying to figure out what to "accuse" her of if I'm not going to show her proof. I can use some old and already "spilled" proof, but that is not anything she doesn't already know. I can say that I know that they were together yesterday, but I can't go into detail.

Should I ignore her cross-examinations, or let her know that I know some things? I don't want to give up sources, but I do need to make this an "open and shut" case...

Very simple. Tell her that you KNOW that they've had sex, that she's worried that she's pregnant by him, and that is why she was using up the films. Make it very clear that you're not lying, but if she asks how you know, just say 'that's not important here, what's important is I know the TRUTH now".

BTW...when you share the evidence with the OMW, make sure that you let her know that you are NOT telling your W how you know, and that she's not to share that information with her WH either. She should stick to her guns too, and simply say 'OWH has given me irrefutable proof of what's going on'.

Yes, ignore her cross examinations, they are only a diversion to put you off the subject. You do not have to justify yourself or "prove" anything. You know the truth. You don't have to "prove" what you both know is true.

If she asks you to "prove it" she is really asking you to show your hand so she can guage how much you know.

Don't ASK her if it's true, tell her you KNOW its true because you have had her tailed and ask for an explanation.

I have printed up copies of all of this for OMW, and I placed a call to her house and asked her "Did you go to Lincoln high school in 87?" (She said no) So, I have not revealed the truth yet, but I am ready...

Listen to OWL!

Here is what I'm thinking of presenting:
Any additions/comments are welcome:
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I KNOW that they've had sex with YGuy and are having some sort of secret relationship.

Based on that email account that we discussed a few weeks ago, you've been at LEAST corresponding since December!

You placed many calls to his cell phone, at times when I was not around! Then you had our cell bill sent to some obscure email account to cover this up.

That message on your cell phone "Hi Sweetheart" was definatley his voice. I listened to him on video. It was not "Gay Dave"...

You've used MORE of those Vaginal Films since we had the conversation about you "testing" them...

You recently had a bladder infection. The MAIN cause of those infections is SEX. We had not had sex for quite a while before the infection.

You took a pregnancy test, even when it was VERY unlikely that it was me.

You were with him on Tuesday Evening. I have proof of this.


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How's that??

First off, make it written, not on your HD. Your wife's lawyer can say that you went back in and changed things around...easily done on hard drive. Harder when it is printed in a journal.

Secondly, she is making her move my man!! She is seeing an attorney to line things up for herself. And I told you, the first to file has the advantage. You do not have much time. Get to an attoenry's office TODAY...NOW. Tell him/her what is going on and that you think she is seeing an attorney in order to file. Tell him you want paperwork expedited, to be filed by Friday (and delivered to your wife on Monday). In the meantime, arrange everything dealing with your child, and with exposure so you can do it Monday when you get back. Take off from work next week.

Time to go. Get this stuff done. Stop typing here, and get out there and get things started. Come back here i nthe evening to report back in on what you learn or questions. The time for talking is over. Time for action.

A little? Might as well show her everything. No. Do not show her your sources. Do not discuss it in a way that she would know that you read her emails. Having access to her emails will be a great source of intel during all of this. This is where you learn to bluff. You only release enough info so she knows you know. Tell her that you know, you have had sources checking on her, and have all the evidence needed. That this isnt a discussion on whether or not she is sleeping with OM.

Then you bluff. As you release tiny tidbits of info, she will think you know more. If you release everything at once, she will know where you stand and will deal with that...and you have nothing else.

Better for her to have the demons running thru her mind on "What is going on? What does he know? What will he do next?" She will run to OM for comfort and for support. But he wont be able to help her. He will be fighting his own war.

When you talk to OMW, dont show her emails. Just discuss what you know, and what they are planning. Say that you have sources. Tell her you have filed for custody, that you have sent letters and such out in order to expose this to family and friends. Ask her is she would like to come here. At the very least, she will become your partner in destroying the affair.

Hold your best cards. Bluff. Do not reveal sources. If she guesses right, have the same answer as when she guesses wrong..."I will not discuss how I found out. I just know what is going on."

Before I stop here, let me give you an example:

Do not say "I know OM was worried about you being pregnant." How would you possibly know that? She will ask herself that. And she will figure out that you read her email.

The right way? "I know that you have been having unprotected sex with the OM. My sources have clearly shown me what you have been upto." A lie? No. But, when she hears that, she will read a lot into it. Does he have a PI following them? Friends? Coworkers? Remember, one email stated that they wondered if anyone at work knew.

So, start planning this out. But first off, go to the attorney's office now and file for temporary custody and protect your assets. If she wants to leave, she leaves with nothing but her clothes and personal items. The rest of the family stuff stays with the family.

Go NOW!!

In His arms.

First I have to find a lawyer..
Oh boy....

Gramm,

No, No, No!!! You are revealing sources. You are acting like you have to make her believe she is having an affair. She knows she is having one.

When/if you go to court, then you can reveal everything. For now? You just walk up and say "I know EVERYTHING! I know about your tryst the other night. I know what you two are upto. I know everything. I am now drawing boundaries to protect me and this family. I hope you will agree to NC with OM and you and I try to find a way to work this out and make out marriage better. But until you do, I will do what I have to do to protect this family." She says "What do you know? How do you know?" You say "It matters naught my sources. Just trust me, I have enough sources and enough information to hold up in a court of law (and she will be served the next day...and that will really drive home that you DO have enough info). I dont need to tell you anything except that I know EVERYTHING (this is a bluff...you do not know everything, but she doesnt need to know that)."

Get it? Dont explain. Dont rationalize. Do not expose sources. Just tell her you know and are taking steps to protect you and the family, and protect the future of your marriage, when/if she decides to do the right thing.

Now, have you taken off for that attorney or not? She is going. I'll bet a weeks pay she is headed to have paperwork drawn up to file. Of course, right now, she is not in a hurry. But when you drop the bomb, she will be. But by then, she will have been served and you will be in control.

In His arms.

Where do you live...what town???

Gramm, since you are in the fight of your life right now, I am going to do something here. Email me at this email address below your phone number (cell). I will then call you and you will have my cell number. That way, you can call immediately during this and I can guide you thru this.

I had to go thru all of this. I did it all. I know where the pitfalls are. I also know how to keep you two steps ahead of her.

xxx@yyy.com

In His arms.

I contacted several law firms and have 2 apts. for tomorrow. (I won't mention this to her)

Good. Now, start planning out (maybe just do it on here, and we can help) your battle plan. What you are going to do. When? How? Who else is involved with that specific task? What do you need to do ahead of time to make that task happen?

In His arms.

Agree with Mortarman 110%. Take your time away to prepare. The natural instinct is to run and tell everyone. Give yourself the downtime to think it all out. GET A LAYWER. They usually wont TELL you what to do but will lay out the options.

DO NOT tip you hat to how you go the info. Say you had her followed on occasion and have known for some time but was hoping she would come clean on her own. The pregnancy test was the last straw. You had to think about your own health and your childs. I made the mistake of giving up all my sources.

I know it would expose your source but did you ever consider putting up emails in the locker room at the Y. Nothing like a good gossip story to blow everything wide open and make it uncomforatable for all.

Once open and admitted you back off immediately and focus on fixing the family. She will have that sick feeling you have had the past weeks.

Take care and have a plan A B C D and think of all the possible outcomes but be prepared for the unexpected. Also, do not take what is said initially seriously. To take the fight bait. Remain calm but firm. Lay it out like it is and dont back down. You are in charge now.

To this very day, I have not told my FWH how I found out ANY info. It has made me seem more powerful to him- almost magical. It was evident that I was fighting for my marriage. He, of course, did not voice his appreciation of this then. Now, looking back, all of that was part of PLAN A. He had tried to convince himself that I didn't care about him. He was openly carrying on an A and for months and months I didn't ask any questions about his estrangement with me and his absences. When I started to get onto him, he recognized that I wanted him and my marriage. He knew that I was "fighting" for him and he found that appealing. This was in opposition to the OW's insistence that she was the "ONLY ONE" who loved him.

So I'm encouraging you to not feel the need to tell her anything. This is part of the BATTLE STRATEGY. We hear you, MM!!

I simply stated to him as others have suggested: "I KNOW such and such. What could he say? What I was saying was fact. It did not matter how I knew and what he was doing was wrong. I agree that there is no need to justify and explain to her what you know to be fact.

While in the fog, they are sloppy and do not have a plan of attack. All they care about is continuation of the A, trying to continue their drug fix. You are the one with the PLAN. You are the one who is standing up for what is RIGHT.

OK,
Option 1.. I do nothing... She will gradually or soon file for divorce and try to be "fair" about it...
(That option sucks)

Option 2. I spring the trap tonight. She will be unprepared, but I will not be in a position to do anything as I have to leave tomorrow night.

Option 3: I visit one of these lawyers tomorrow afternoon and see what they have to say. (I just talked to someone from the most highly reccomended office in town... She suggested just waiting to counter what Wife does...)

When I expose, here is my plan...

1) Talk to OMW. Maybe meet with her and show her SOME evidence. Hopefully i can get her to agree not to spoil my sources.

2) Confront My wife. Give her the "I know what is going on" speech, but keep if vague.
--If she threatens to take the baby, I'll have to have some plan... (Those temporary custody things are apprently hard to get)
3) Email OM with a picture of my family and a short note saying "Please cease all contact with our family."

4) Email other Y employees. (Not sure which ones yet)

5) call some of Wife's friends and let them know what is going on.

6) Call Wife's parents, (maybe...)

Follow Mortman's advice. He is an expert in this.

If you are going crazy, come here and vent. We will support you.

Gramn - Foundareason here. I was directed to your post as we are in almost the same boat. I was following your thread when it was new, but dropped off the last couple of hellish days.

I will pray for your sitch. God knows I am praying for mine.

Here we gooooooooooooooooooo...............