Wait to see what Mortarman says.

I agree that he definitely is the EXPERT on THE ART OF WAR!!

Good luck to you Foundareason...

Thanks. Gotta go to WW's suprise birthday party with the young-uns.

God's speed.

Okay, good start. A couple issues here.

First, who said temporary custody is hard to get? If your wife decides to leave the day of exposure, how do you plan on keeping the child with you? You two gonna have a tug-o-war? You gonna wait on your lawyer to try to get her back from your wife later on? No way!! You have the paperwork drawn up ahead of time. Then, when the bomb drops and she starts wanting to take the child and leave, you take the child and go to a friends house for a little while. In the meantime, call your attorney and tell him to file the paperwork immediately. Look, your attorney will draw up the paperwork if you tell him to. You're paying for it. And by having it ready, you can launch immediately.

If you dont, then its possible your wife will run with the child. Many attorney's will tell the woman to do just that, because then it will be hard to get the child back. Judges do not like to change things, do not like to make kids jump from where they already are, unless there is a damn good reason. So, you make sure that you stay in that house, the family home...and that the child, and the furntiture, etc stays with the family. When she leaves, she will then also be guilty of abandonment.

Next thing...

Your exposure plan is good (first tier). Now, I want you to take each of those categories and write on here all of her possible reactions to it. Once you do that, then we can come up with your second tier.

In His arms.

OK, her reactions...

I visit one of these lawyers tomorrow afternoon and see what they have to say. (I just talked to someone from the most highly reccomended office in town... She suggested just waiting to counter what Wife does...)
---- REACTION-- She will be happy, that I am going along with her wishes


1) Talk to OMW. Maybe meet with her and show her SOME evidence. Hopefully i can get her to agree not to spoil my sources.

----OMW REACTION-- She might already know

----OMW REACTION--She might be shocked and flip out

----OMW REACTION--She might want more information. If so, I will offer to meet her and provide proof.

WIFE's REACTION... I won't tell her...
WIFE's REACTION... Accuse me of destroying someones family


2) Confront My wife. Give her the "I know what is going on" speech, but keep if vague.

WIFE's REACTION...She will yell, and accuse me of whatever she can. She will say I'm paranoid and that "I have no respect for you". She will leave and try to take the baby.


WIFE's REACTION...She threatens to take the baby...

--I will tell her about the papers I have ready to claim temporary custody.
--I could have the baby somewhere safe before starting this... WIFE's REACTION...Even more freaked out and bent on revenge. --Not sure that this is the way to go.

3) Email OM with a picture of my family and a short note saying "Please cease all contact with our family."

WIFE's REACTION... She might say not to harass her friends...


4) Email other Y employees. (Not sure which ones yet)

WIFE's REACTION... She might say not to harass her friends...
WIFE's REACTION... She might be shocked and embarrased that I would do this


5) call some of Wife's friends and let them know what is going on.

WIFE's REACTION... She will say not to harass her friends...
WIFE's REACTION... She will be shocked and embarrased that I would do this

6) Call Wife's parents, (maybe...)

WIFE's REACTION... She might say not to harass her family...
WIFE's REACTION... She will be shocked and embarrased that I would do this

I don't see why you have to have anything legal set up to take your baby somewhere safe- while you are in the midst of exposure.

Are your parents nearby?

I think WSes would be considered temporarily insane. Do not expect her to react rationally to any of this. How does she typically react in an emotionally-charged situation? How does she typically react when she is out of control? Think of how she has reacted in the past and multiply this...

You are the one who will have A PLAN! She is desperate for more DRUGS...

Gramn - Don't count on her be shocked and embarrassed. That would be a normal person's reaction. But she is not normal right now. Expect her to be angry and to blame everything on you.

It will be your fault if OM's wife knows, your fault if his family breaks up, your fault if her parents, friends, the Y, etc. find out. That is just the way they think. WS's NEVER look at the behavior that got them into this mess.

And she will probably tell you that she doesn't trust YOU, after what you have done. What a joke.

Okay. And that part is good in a way. But I still say that this lawyer may not be gettign the full picture. Every lawyer that has helped a man get custody of his kids (and is good at it) says to strike first. That to wait is to leave too much to chance. If you file for custody first, and hold onto your child..then the judge will just allow the child to stay where they are at until the full hearing. And between now and the hearing, you begin to operate as if WW isnt coming back, and document. That way, when you go to the full hearing, your child will be in a routine, in a good environment. Meantime, your wife will only show that she is a woman and wants her child. But also will have to admit to her dishonest and crazy behavior. The judge will side with you, not wanting to upset the applecart.

But she will now know is that there is someone else ready to blow it wide open. Her livelihood, her standing in the community, will be at stake. She will either have to join you so she can mitigate damage...or be run over by the freight train that you have started.
Again, lead her where you want her to go. If she sounds like she wants to save her marriage, then you can direct her here, or to Dr. Harley's books. If she is just going to kick the [censored] out, then you will need to prepare yourself for that...as the OM will then want to run to your WW.
So, on this one...the answer is "Who cares?" As was said by another poster here, durign this time, she will say everything. Listen to very little of it. She doesnt know what she is saying or doing. We all know the reality is her and the OM are destroying his family.
Okay, this is the battle plan for this. Do you have a relative or friend that the baby can stay with while you tell her? One where your wife will not know where your child is. I did this. My brother had recently moved, and my wife did not know where his new house was. When my wife came home, the kids were at my brothers and I was waiting for her. She got angry and wanted me to leave. I said no way. She then said she was taking the kids and leaving. But funny thing...it was hard to take them when they werent there. She screamed that she wanted to know where her kids were. She even went to my Mom's to see if they were there. But I told her that they were safe and that she would see them soon. But we needed to deal with this first. Then I also told her that the affair had to end, or if not, she could leave...but the family stays together here. If she wants to remain a part of the family, she can stay...with no OM. She ran off screaming...and I brought the kids home that night. I was protected in the fact that I kept them close to me over the next few days, and my attorney had already filed for custody. Do not let your child be there when this goes down. it will be ugly, and the child WILL get in the middle. Find someone to leave the child with for the evening. Tell your wife you have to go to the store and take the kid with you to get some "ice cream." Then contact OMW and drop the bomb. Then hurry your butt home and talk to her and tell her you know before the OM calls (the way to do this is to ask OMW to give you an hour before confronting OM, so you can get home before he knws).

No. No threats here, Gramm. That is a threat. Have the papers already ready and signed. Then file them to be delivered to her on D-Day + one (the day after). It wont end the marriage. Yes she will be pissed. But your power now comes from drawing the boundaries. In this war, you now set where the battle will take place, and when. As any combat veteran will tell you, setting the time and place and manner of engagement almost certainly gives you the advantage.

As you read above, I think this IS the way to go! Protect your child FIRST!!

Who cares? This isnt a problem. I like the email idea. there is no bad side to this. You can just ignore her rantings on this one.

Do this after the first round of exposure to OMW and confronting WW. Wait for the reaction and the day to die down. Who cares what she says about "harassing" her friends? Ignore that stuff. Will she be embarassed? I certainly hope so. Insteresting isnt it? She wants to continue somethign she is ashamed of...I would actually say that to her if she says she is embarassed.

Same as above.
This will be the second round of exposure, before her friends and his friends. Again, it doesnt matter what she says. Also, you must understand that even though you expose to all of these people, many (most?) will not side with you...and definitely not help you. So, you must understand why you are exposing. It is to shed the light of day...the truth...on the affair. Some of these people will already know, but will only have one side of the story. So, have your "form letter" drawn up, the one you send to family and friends (her parents you should talk to directly AND give them the form letter). This letter should just spell out what has happened, what your wife is up to...and that you want to save the marriage. That you are drawing boundaries and will wait on your wife to do the right thing and end the affair.

Okay. All of the things in black are the second tier. Now, let all of this sink in. The third tier is what you will do in reaction to all of these reactions. What is your course of action (COA)?

You see...by being two steps ahead of her, you will frustrate the hell out of her. Everytime she tries to do something, you have already been there and countered it BEFORE she did it. Frustrating. Look, she is going to have to surrender from her rebellion. But first of all, she has to be put in a no win situation. All avenues of escape closed. By having your ducks in a row, you will encircle her. And then you will launch the artillery. When it is all over, she will have no choice but to surrender...or be "destroyed."

In His arms.

Believer is right. She will say that if you really loved her, you wouldnt have done all of this. You wouldnt have ruined her life.

Do not listen to this malarchy. For the first little while, almost everything that will come out of your wife's mouth will be bile...crap. Ignore it. Bring it here and we can help you decifer it (because sometimes, there will be nuggets of truth in there).

-----------------

On a short note...how are you feeling? Ready for battle? You just found out that your wife is definitely cheating on you. That is a powerless feeling. I know.

But now that you are gettign a plan together...now that you know that in just a few hours/days, you will be the one in control...how does that feel? I know this all sucks...but I do know the feeling of gaining control. It is what allows us BSs to get up on our feet and to move forward. And many times, to save our marriages.

What you are doing now is what we call in the infantry our "Pre-Combat Checks." It is where you make sure you have all your weapons, all your intel, all your stuff. Food, water, communications. Rehearsals where you go over and over the plan making sure it will work...down to driving all the routes you will have to take on D-Day in order to make sure that your timing is correct. Getting your stuff together.

The "enemy" right now is doing no such thing. They are lying around, sleeping...enjoying themselves. But the hour is coming where they will meet you in "combat." Where you will rock their silly little fantasy world. Believe me, that OM will NEVER forget your name!!

And later on, when/if your wife comes home, she will say to you what mine did. That the beginning of her coming home out of the fog was her seeing me stand up and stand up to her. Taking charge. Defending our marriage and our family.

Hard for a woman not to like a knight on a white horse, huh?!?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

In His arms.

You make it all sound easy...

The plan itself shouldn't be too hard. I hope the OMW is available when I'm ready to contact her. If not, I might have to postpone, once I'm ready.

I'm worried about the reprocussions. Even though these actions might bust up the affair, I'm sure that they are a big "Love Buster".


No. No threats here, Gramm. That is a threat. Have the papers already ready and signed. Then file them to be delivered to her on D-Day + one (the day after). It wont end the marriage. Yes she will be pissed. But your power now comes from drawing the boundaries. In this war, you now set where the battle will take place, and when. As any combat veteran will tell you, setting the time and place and manner of engagement almost certainly gives you the advantage.

This part concerns me most. I don't want to file for divorce. If I do, and present her with papers, she'll probably just sign them. How does that help?

Simple, yes! Easy, no!

OK, Maybe this is a state law thing, I don't know. I just got off the phone with one of the law offices here.


All of this would take about a week
I CAN file for divorce and request temporary custody, and they will serve that to her. BUT this would be a REQUEST! Not a court order. At least in this state, they can't do court orders of that kind. If she agreed to the filing, then it would go into effect. Most likely, she would contest it.

I LOVE THIS PLAN! PERFECT, MORTARMAN!!



Is she a SAHM? Does she have a job? Figure out a way to be sure to find her.

Your goal now is to EXPOSE the A, bring it out into the open. That is your primary goal now, not necessarily to "bust it up" as you say.

Not a love buster at all. Nope. Go read up on love busters, what they are. Exposure to an affair is not a love buster. Just because she gets angry, doesnt make it a love buster.

I filed and never pushed it forward. It was having the paperwork in first. I nthe meantime, I had made sure the kids were with me and werent going to go anywhere. My attorney and I made it very clear to my wife that we would have a very liberal visitation schedule until there was a hearing (which didnt happen until over two years later when she walked out for the third and last time). That their home would remain their home and that I would be their primary caretaker. Of course, she was told that she could petition for custody in court. What that did was get her to think "Well, I have a little while to run around and then I can come back and the court will give me my child. Afterall, I am a woman. And they dont take kids away from mothers." Bullcrap! But let her think what she wants. Right now, you are protecting the family, protecting your child. As Steve Harley told me, those kids are your greatest asset and motivator toward your wife coming home. They will be what keeps her not too far away...and eventually she will want to come home.

My wife counterfiled this last August after moving out and trying to take the kids with her. We had been going thru a false recovery, where she did no work to work on the marriage. But, I maintained their primary caregiver, as I had been since April 2002 when I came back from Bosnia. So, when she came to court, wanting custody...and all the facts were laid on the table, a great sound was heard from high up on that bench...

"I am awarding joint legal custody. I am also awarding primary physical custody to the father." What sweet music to my ears. And it was that staement...and the fact that she was now a woman that had lost her children, that blew away the final semblance of fog. She finally figured it out that if a judge thought what she was doing was so wrong that he had to take her kids away, then she had to be wrong (I know, it is hard for us BSs to understand how they didnt know this...but remember, the Fog is always thick).

You are fighting for your child right now. It wil ltake awhile before you will have the chance to recover your wife. So, do everything you have to do to protect the child and keep her with you. Start making sure you are documented as being the main caregiver. Document everything. You be the one to take her to the doctors. You be the one spending all of the time with her. You set up a house where you are taking care of her educational, physical and spiritual growth. Do not be lax. Have a plan on what you will do everyday! And document it.

Then the judge will look at your wife, after seeing your record...and see a woman that has selfishly run around...and you will hear the same words I heard.

You cannot control your wife. but you can protect your child. First things first!!

In His arms.

I don't know, but she was at home when I called her at about 10:30 today. Someone who may have been a teenage son answered the phone and gave it to her.

I've tried all sorts of searches for her name online and haven't found anything about a job.

Fine. File it!! What that will mean is that when you keep the child with you, and she is forced to run to the OM...that you will be shown to be doing the responsible thing. She will be shown to wanting to run around...and then wanting to drag her daughter into it too. No problem here. Just ask what the lawyer suggests if she tries to take the child and leave. And you want to make sure the child stays. Tell the lawyer the plan here...that the child will be at a friends house when this explodes and that you are not going to allow the child to leave. Ask the lawyer what the law in your state allows for that.

This whole fileing thing has me very uneasy. I am sure that you know what you are talking about, but still...

IF I File:

HER PROBABLE REACTIONS:

Try to take the baby away... (I can stop that temporarilly)

take the baby when she has the opportunity (that will have to happen eventually)

Sign whatever I give her and move the divorce forward. (That doesnt do me any good either)

Counterfile something to change whatever I filed.


Don't think I'm complaining here.. I'm just trying to figure this all out...

File ASAP.

After screwing around with my wife for 9 months, I Filed 2 weeks ago today and had her served in her office in front of everyone, incl OM.


She was ticked off and embarrassed.


Came home later crying her A$$ off. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

She has done a 180 since. Scared the **** out of her. I got her respect in one second.

She now knows I'm serious and has given our marriage the attention it deserved.

Why do you always second guess everyone here?

I told my lawyer to Stop all proceedings.

Steve Harley said my wife had to Suffer the Consequences of her actions and now was the time.

It was her big wake-up call.

She realized I was going to get 50/50 custody of the kids (state law), she pleaded with me not to take them away from her.

The purpose of you Filing is for her to see what life will be like without you and without your child (even though part time).

It now places her Fantasy with OM into REALITY. This will scare the F*** out of her.

Now that everyone knows incl the courts, the Majic of her Affair is goooooooooooooooooooooooooone.

She will now start to see all the OM flaws. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

You'll thank me bigtime.

Do it and quit thinking, you're a newbie.

Logistically, what is happening with you tomorrow, Gramn?

The reason I ask is this. You still have opportunity to get more information.

She does not know that you are onto her. She is likely planning to rendezvous with him while you are gone. It seems like a perfect time to set up with the PI.

With the PI pictures, in hand, how can she argue for custody?

Before I go on with this, what do you guys think?

No big deal that she is seeing a lawyer tomorrow. She is not planning on telling her lawyer about the A. She will try to file for alimony and child custody. You already know your answer to that. You will not bullied into leaving before then.