Gramn -

You are doing just fine. I thought your wife would be more angry, and denying things. Her reaction is a good sign. Stay calm. She thinks she is in love with this guy, but it is just a fantasy.

Stick with what MM told you about wanting to protect your family. Don't let her take your child anywhere.

This stuff is just now starting to be put into motion. OM may decide to stay with his wife. Your next action will be to expose him at the Y. But there is no hurry to do anything right now.

Already done.

I can stop with the "Tell more people" stuff, but she will NOT agree to stop seeing him, or break contact. How can I save my "Ammo" if the target is still standing?

She also says that we are through and that he has nothing to do with that....

She may not have a choice about seeing him again, because he now has to make a choice between your wife and his wife.

Let the dust settle first. If she does not end contact, then you expose - in one fell swoop - to the Y, her family, your family and any KEY friends.

But...DO NOT tell her you are going to do any of this. She and OM will just pre-empt you and you will lose that ammunition. If he knows you plan on exposing him at the Y, all he has to do is tell his boss "some jealous nut thinks I am having an affair with his wife." Then you will have lost your ammunition because his boss will think you are a nut.

Don't show the enemy your arsenal, ok?

It is likely the OM will break up with your W.


They ALL say this. He has EVERYTHING to do with it, just wait and see. Just disregard it and do your best to meet her needs and avoid lovebusters. Her tune will change as the affair dies.

Does the OMW want to save her marriage? What was the OM's reaction when she confronted him?

Your ammunition is PLAN A.

"I did this because I love you and want my marriage and my family. I'm fighting for you. I will do what I need to do to show you how much I love you. I can change, etc."

All this, using your words, conveying the above message.

Now she has to do all the work to get out of the marriage.

You said:



Don't buy this for a minute or respond to it. It is standard WS Script. It is BS that he had nothing to do with this....

The ball is in her court now. Don't make this easy for her by doing anything like leaving, etc.

This must be so hard for you. You are doing great.

I would agree with getting back in touch with the OM's wife and schooling her... It would be interesting to know what he is telling his wife...

OK, I'll wait and see for a little while...

What sort of pisses me off most are the people that KNEW already!

Wife's best friend
Wife's dance teacher and friend
Wife's Aunt/Godmother of our Daughter
Another friend

NONE of those people valued our marriage?!? They all just went along with what she said?? SOmeone tells you that they are in love wiht a new guy and NO ONE says "What about that husband?" FHEKLHREKLE!!

On the other hand, if you are convinced the OM will continue to see your W, I would call the rest of your targets tomorrow and do one mass exposure. DON"T TELL YOUR W YOU PLAN ON DOING THIS, THOUGH!

It would be better to do it now, while you have them on the run, instead of giving them a chance to regroup and gather forces. Might as well take down the Affair Ship while you have it wounded, instead of giving it another day to gather strength.

Well, at least now you know who YOUR friends are.....

Oh no, they didn't want to "hurt you!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Isn't that the usual excuse of a moral coward? ugh........

Another thing...

I didnt need ANY proof! I have been gathering evidence all this time, but when it started rolling, none of that mattered...

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Should I ask about the specifics? She might tell me the, "How many times, how long has this been going on?" type of stuff, but should I ask it?

MAKE SURE TO SLEEP IN YOUR BED TONIGHT!!

MARK YOUR TERRITORY!!

The goal is to maintain your power and control.

She is out of control. Her only goal is to maintain her drug supply from Y GUY.

Sit back and watch the show to see what she does out of desperation to get to him. If you ask her questions, she will try to give answers designed to get to him... She will not give you honest answers. She will try to provoke you... There's just no telling what she will do...

My FWH was calm and quiet too on D-Day. It's a STATE OF SHOCK....also some RELIEF....but you certainly are not seeing a rational person...

If you want to know those things, then you should ask them. Remember, these are facts about YOUR LIFE to which you have a right to know. These facts have been wrongfully and cruelly withheld from you.

Did the OMW know of the affair? What did she know? Does she want to save her marriage?

Can you send her to us so we can help her?

That's right out of 90% of the busted WS's handbooks. The other 10% fall apart in remorse and beg for forgiveness.

It's panic time in fantasy land. OM will have BS all over his case, and you have the MB plan at hand and know how to handle all that transpires.

Melody is right, the next round of exposure should be to his superiors at the Y. There is a certain amount of liability, publicity wise, with one of their people engaging in an A with a client. It is, after all, a Christian Association, is it not?

You'll need some thick skin for the next week or so, as you won't believe some of the crap that may spew forth from your WW. Hold your temper, remain cool, calm and collected, keep a muzzle on any Love Buster's and weather the storm.

You have empowered yourself with this exposure. Accept a pat on the back for your efforts.

Best wishes,
SD

Thanks everyone...
There is still a lot of uncertainty...

-OMW left town for the night. She is NOT interested in Reconciling. She is a SAHM and asked that I didn't screw with his job, as she wants a big % of his wages for herself and her 3 teen sons. I said that I'd agree, if she would help me break them up. We'll see what happens.

-The Bed.. UGH! I wanted it, so in desperation, she tried leave with the baby by literally pulling the baby out of my arms when I told her to sleep elsewhere. We eventually resolved it though (thank God). She will move out of that room tomorrow. (or so she says)

- She still says she loves him and all that. I'm sick of hearing it. I hope he dumps her tomorrow.

-Still more lying. I'm sick of it! Now she says that she hasn't bought any new clothes, when I know for a fact that she recently got new shoes. I was too tired to fight over that one....

Gramn,

As we talked on the phone...I am proud of you. And you handled the whole thing extremely well. But guess what? You just left Kuwait. Baghdad is weeks, maybe months away of hard fighting. While the waiting has been horrible, getting moving can feel a whole lot better. But, as you get into this and realize that this is a marathon, not a sprint...you will grow weary. Listen to these people. Most of the vets have come out to help. Why? When you start seeing most of these people posting on one thread, it can only mean one thing...that you appear to be headed for the next MB success story.

Now, I will differ slightly with what these fine people said above, only because I did have the chance to talk to you, which gave me a better feel about how you are holding up and such.

I say that you should hold your fire for a day, maybe two. normally I would go with those above and say get it all out at once. but due to how you have reacted to this (which has been VERY well) and due to the initial reaction of your wife (which actually appeared to be concern for you...briefly...until the me, me, me of the affair dribbled back in and she said that she still wants to be with him).

With those two things, I think I see the following...

You have fired one nuke. You have a whole arsenal (and dont minimize the art of bluffing...remember, it is what they dont know that will drive them crazy!). Give that nuke a chance to sink in for them.

In the meantime, do exactly as the folks above said. Tell her you are doing this to save your marriage and family. Insist on NC with the OM. Plan A the hell out of her right now. No love busters, do you here me? Go on the web site here and memorize all of the love busters and what they are. And then dont do them. Every time you do, you will set your progress back.

As of 4pm this afternoon, you now control this situation. You set the tempo, you decide where and when you will strike. by dragging this out a little, and bluffing at times (not lying or threatening), you will keep them guessing.

If in the next couple of days, you see her become entrenched into "it's over' deal...then you finish exposing to everyone. If not, if she is negotiating with you, then you hold fire, Plan A her and work on a time table. As Dr. Harley says, Plan A cannot last but for a couple of weeks, as it is very draining on the BS. So count on maybe til the end of the summer to fight like hell and Plan A her. Drop as much love units in her bank as possible.

Protect your daughter at all costs. Doing so is NOT an LB!! In the meantime, draw your boundaries and keep hammering away at her by meeting her top threee needs as much as possible (do you know what they are...if not, print out the needs questionaire and see if she will fill it out).

See if your wife will talk to Steve Harley. Ask her to do this, to see if Steve can help her and you possibly find a way out of this.

But as I said before, if she pulls back, if she runs to him...and I'm not talking about her heading over because she is talking to him about ending things...I am talking about her brazenly choosing him over you (she hasnt had to make that choice up until now).

Now, if that aint enough, I have three more things. First, document EVERYTHING from here on out! I mean everything. Second, get back in touch with OMW and find out what she is planning. Ask if the two of you can compare notes now, and from time-to-time. If she is dumping him (and as I told you on the phone, she wont know what she is doing for at least a couple more days as the shock wears off), then your wife may think she has a future and want to keep things going. But a funny thing is that if that does happen, the OM will most likely want his freedom for awhile. Which is not what your wife is looking for, which is for him to walk right out of one commitment into the next.

The third thing is to take care of yourself. Get back in your bed, plan you sleep and make sure you do. Plan out meals and eat them (I lost 40lbs after D-Day...and I was already skinny! Looked like hell!). Force yourself to take care of yourself. You are no good to anyone if you fall apart.

On asking questions...just wait. She isnt out of the fog yet. You just turned the lights on. So, wait a little while. Eventually, she will want to answer your questions. Maybe not all of them, but she will want to come clean.

Okay, keep posting. Keep on the offensive. Make sure yoy stay one step ahead of her.

Good job soldier. Your wife will be very proud eventually. right now, you must fight the battle for her.

In His arms.

Gramm, here is the thing; it is in both your best interests to notify the Y. If they are not told about this, then they can carry on the affair at the Y unimpeded. If the Y knows, then they can't do it there anymore.

He will also be able to do this with someone else's wife unless there are consequences for his actions. To not do it, is to AIDE AND ABET the affair by helping him keep his secret.

Consider this, it is in her [OMW] best interest, too, for you to expose this at work. BECAUSE, exposure helps hasten the end of the affair. If the affair ends, the chances of both your marriages surviving increases dramatically.

If the affair does not end - because it was not exposed - then both marriages are doomed for divorce anyway. If she is divorced, she will not receive spousal support for long anyway.

If she stays married, however, her H would get another job and support her indefinitely. Her financial security is more likely to go in the toilet if she divorces. And your marriage is more likely to go in the toilet if it is not exposed at this level.

So, it does neither of you any good realistically, to help the OM hide his sleazy affair. I would withdraw your agreement on this point, Gramm, it is a bad agreement that is detrimental to you both.

Even if it actually DID hurt her to expose at work, [which it doesn't] you can't sacrifice such a valuable tool that could conceivably effectively end the affair. You are in a fight for your marriage, and just because she thinks she doesn't want to save hers, does not mean you can agree to something that would hinder your efforts. That is simply too much to ask, Gramm.

And can you please talk to her about Marriage Builders? We need her working on her marriage. I realize she is angry and hurt, but she needs to know that most marriages DO survive adultery and if she plays her cards right, we might be able to help her save her marriage. If she runs off and leaves, she just makes it easier for OM to contact your W. I fear her erratic actions are going to throw the OM into the arms of your W.

Gramn -

YIKES! I forgot one out of the WS handbook - "I want a divorce, but it has nothing to do with OP". I'll write that down for future reference. Many, many folks here have heard the same thing.

You have done extremely well today. I hope you will get some sleep. Like MM said, give the first nuke time to sink in.

OM's wife is very likely to change her mind. She is still in shock. On D-day, I threw my WH out, followed by his clothes.

One thing on your side is that OM has 3 teens - that will be a chunk of change for child support. And then he will be looking at starting over with a woman with a young baby. I think he will spend most of his time trying to get his wife back.

So relax, and give yourself credit. Sleep well my friend - I imagine that you will sleep much better than OM and your wife do. Their nightmares are just beginning.

Thanks guys...

-I just talked to my brother who was shocked and dissapointed that I didn't contact more people yet. I know I don't have to do it all today, but in a way I think he's right. My wife is ashamed and doesn't want to be the "town slut" and I went along with her. She did tearfully call one person to inform right in frnt of me, but I don't think one if her friends will make much difference. I'll have to give more thought into this exposing phase. How many people? Which ones? what do I say to wife? I guess I just have to stop caring what she thinks of this...

- I've tried the EN questionaire before, back before all of this when we were still on pretty good terms. She didn't want to fill it out. She is not very forthcoming with that info.

-OMW, at least so far, is not intersted in fixing her marriage. So, she is not as helpful as I'd like. She also ruined my discovery plan, so she is pretty annoying at this point... I only promised to NOT tell the bosses IF she helped me break them up. If that doesn't happen, and SOON, then our deal is void. I'll give her a few days and see what transpires. We'll get together soon and compare notes.

Gramn -

Don't second guess yourself. You have done much, much better than the average MB'er. You don't have to do it all in one day. You don't even have to do things perfectly. But you have started on the right path.

I've seen a lot of surprises here. People don't always do what they say they are going to do. So relax, and watch what the others' do. Give yourself a big pat on the back. You are doing just fine.

Gramn - congratulations on the exposure. You are breaking the ice for me - sorry that you are the one out in front - but know that you are ALREADY helping people on this site.

God's speed, brother.

Found