Gramm

might be time to strike first and file to seek custody of child...see what Mel & MM say on this

because its also about your child & I feel m rebuilding takes a second to that.

This is up to your attorney. But I would get that e-book immediately and read fast!! I think you, if legally possible, should make sure you have paperwork ready seekign primary physical custody. Then if she tries to move forward, you launch first.

Gramn - Hang in there and stay calm. Your wife is starting to panic. Listen to MM. Your wife will go back and forth, and so will OM's wife, and OM.

You have all the cards now, although it probably doesn't feel like it. Their little fantasy world is blowing apart and they are terrified of what you might do next. (Expose OM at the Y).

So stay strong, and don't let her latest words throw you. Do whatever you do to relieve stress - exercising is good.

Gramn:

Getting you to "agree to divorce" is all part of the WS script.

This was a broken record from my FWH. He tried all kinds of ways of communicating this. I can remember him almost pleading in one instance: "Let me go; you don't deserve this, you are a good person"-YUK!. Part of it was an attempt to relieve him from his guilt, trying to make me an accomplice in his aim to destroy our marriage.

I remained firm in my conviction, during PLAN A, as MM is recommending: "I don't do divorce; I want to work on our marriage, etc....

I like your communication with the OM. The FOW, in my situation, hated it that I continued to fight for our marriage. That was what I communicated to her. They both wanted me to agree with a divorce, to back off and just go away.


STAY IN THE FIGHT! You are the one with THE PLAN!

In the infantry, we call it "Leaning forward in the foxhole!"

I just had lunch with a friend. He had been told about this by one of Berta's friends. So it's spreading a little. Good!

This is good. Let the fire spread and watch the two of them squirm. How they react next will tell you what to do next.

Wow!

You are doing an amazing job. Keep up the fight. I would say so far everything is going in your favor. When you first started posting you were at her mercy. Now You have taken control.

Keep it up.

It doesn't feel like I've gotten control of much...

I do have
: Proof of this affair
: the ability to dissiminate that knowledge

True. But what have you gained here? Think about that Gramn.

Up until yesterday, the infidels had secrecy...they had their fantasy world. You blew that apart. You now control, or possibly control his livelihood. Your wife is now trying to NEGOTIATE the end of your marriage, instead of demanding it. The word is spreading throughout the community, which does not leave WW or OM in a very good light.

In the meantime, you are unscathed by the last two days. That is power. You were able to project power without hurting yourself. They felt that power and are scurrying to react to it.

The key to your power will be the next several steps. As your wife tries to sidestep this to find a way thru. If you handle it right, she will find herself blocked on all avenues of escape. And surrender will be her only option.

That is power. They no longer have any. They threaten. You jsut sit back and wait, and then launch the next nuke. They will get mad and threaten again...or try to negotiate. But for you, until she surrenders, there are no negotiations.

The U.S. government does not negotiate with terrorists. These two are terrorists to your family and your marriage. Until your wife is no longer wayward, there are no negotiations.

In His arms.

All of that sounds good MM, but I'm trying to figure out what my next step should be.

Wait and see what happens? I guess I can do that for a while, but not forever...

Gramn:

As an aside, your D-Day date is incorrect in your signature line. You need to change it to 05.

I think you will feel a bit better if you begin to focus on yourself now. Be proactive and active in making yourself an even stronger and better as a person...

It's time for your PLAN A. Get the book SURVIVING AN AFFAIR if you don't already have it. Read up on PLAN A. As Mortarman says, time to start meeting her top 3 Emotional Needs. What left the door open in your marriage for Y-GUY?

Better yet, it's time to schedule the appt. with Steve Harley. He can help you with this and in planning your next steps.

Sit back and watch your WW and Y-Guy. Report back to us on what you observe.

Try to meet and negotiate with the OM's W. Encourage her to read Surviving an Affair and to come here.

What I am saying is to continue to work on YOUR PLAN as I said before. She doesn't have a PLAN...

Gramn -

Just be patient. I know it is hard. Right now it feels like you don't have the power. But your power is working behind the scenes. OM is probably running scared. His wife knows of the affair - his sons may know too.

He also is worried about his job. He will fear the worst - that you will expose him and he will lose it. Then he will have no job, no wife, no home, and your wife depending on him to help her. Doesn't sound too appetizing to me.

Look at what your wife has - no job, no way to support herself, a baby that she might not get custody of, and an OM who is married, with 3 kids, and may not keep his job.

Now they may be crazy enough to throw it all away, but I bet they won't. Logistically it will be very hard, and it will take some work. I believe they are both too panicked to follow through.

It is kind of a toss-up which one will break first. Be calm.

Now might be a good time to start some individual counseling for yourself, Gramn. It's hard to deal with a lot of the emotions and stress you're going through, and will be going through. I'd give it some thought.

Plan A now friend...be loving, be supportive, meet what needs that you can. She's MAD because you've ruined their little fantasy world...but that won't always last. Once reality starts to intrude, the R with the OM will start to sour a little...and if you're right there loving her and still fighting for your M the whole time, she'll eventually get to where she can see that. And THAT is how you win this fight.

My FWW has repeatedly commented how grateful she is that I never gave up on her.

Thanksf or the support... She was so mad when I was reading that "Not Just Friends" book. Lets see her reaction to a book like that NOW! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I was reading through the Love Busters again...

Selfish Demands --Wouldn't getting my bed back be a selfish demand?

Disrespectful Judgments--I think I've done a pretty good job here

Angry Outbursts--SHe does that all the time

Annoying Habits-I probably have these

Independent Behavior-She is all about this...

Dishonesty--She has majorly messed this up, and I have been sneaking into her stuff...

Oh, Gramn, don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing EXTREMELY well.

You have taken a stand for your marriage and family. Lots of people don't. In the end, if you don't, it ruins your self-respect. I just did too much to try to keep my WH. I put up with way too much, and then the self-hatred started.

You will not be able to meet many of her EN's right now. She won't let you. But you can help with the baby (which it seems like you have been doing), help with the house, be available for her, etc. If there is anything that annoyed her before, try not to do it. But there is only so much you can do.

Take care of yourself and expect some miracles.

Moving back into YOUR bed is not being selfish. That is YOUR bed as much as it is hers!! She was selfish for making you leave. You dont ask her to leave the bed...that is a selfish demand. You are sleeping in you own bed and she is free to do as she wishes. Her choice but you are taking back what is yours. This is the power you have.

YOU DONT HAVE TO NEGOTIATE ANYTHING. But you cant be an [censored] either. Plan A is not about kissing her butt. It is about confronting lifes problems in an adult manner without hurtful attacks. If she pisses you off you can tell her as much but you cannot attack her.

I took this approach. I worried less about the Love Busters she had done and focused on what I had done wrong and worked at it. HARD. It is VERY hard and uncomfortable at first but after a while you may see it working and it becomes second nature. Friends and family will tell you to nail her to the cross etc. That is crap all that will do is justify why she shouldnt be with you. Support her emotionally and keep telling her you WANT this to work and would like her to give it a try. No promises no guarentees no time limits.

So you were sneaking into her stuff...do you regret that? She was up to no good and lying through her teeth. You used any means necessary to get the truth. My wife was horrified that I did this and I told OMW. IT is the script. It is how this things almost always work. Everyone here has told you pretty much the same story.

She was angry at you for reading "Just Friends" because you were getting at the truth. It is guilt. A defense mechinism. Gramn you are an adult and are free to read what you wish.

How this works is originally she will do EVERYTHING to justify why she did what she did. Then she will start to see you are standing by her even though she basically treated you like you didnt exist. She will also see OM for what he really is. He no longer has time for "fun and games" his life is in chaos as well. Fantasy becomes reality and it isnt that pretty. At this point she may agree she made a mistake and decide to work on the marriage with you. She will go back and forth on this. You will begin to see glimmers of hope one minute and then the irrational behavior the next. She will be torn emotionally. She is about as destroyed as you at this point and maybe worse. You have had a few weeks to accept this. While she has been with the Y Guy she has justified it. Now she accepts it as being wrong. From cloud 9 to a small step beneath you in hell.

Slowly, you begin to continue to be there for her and support her and you have more good days than bad. Never think you are "over" this. It will stay with you for life and there will be down times when you least expect it. I am almost a year into this and a month or more can go by and then BAM one of us gets down about it. Initially I thought whew that is behind us and then out of nowhere. I really think it does take two years to get through this. It is a greiving process. Your marriage, your life, the afair. Right now everything feels dead but you are on your way to make it better.

Take one day at a time and look for the bright spots...they will get brighter. I would recomend Individual Counceling as well. Maybe even anti depressants if you are not eating or sleeping. Priorty # 1 is your child, then yourself, then your marriage. If the first two are not taken care of it is tough to work on the third.

You are doing awesome and dont get discouraged. It is a long long battle that has just begun.

huh? you are selfish for wanting to sleep in your own bed?? uhh no, that is not a selfish demand, Gramm!


How? Did you call her a whore or a slut? I don't think you did any of that. Just being straightforward with her is not a disrespectful judgement.



She has been dishonest, not you. You were completely justified to sneak into her stuff because she was hiding things from you.

Gramn-

I am reading this post, haven't made it all the way through yet, where in Ohio are you?? I'm in Ohio also.

Lemme know,

-Caren