CarenMc, do you want to come visit or something? It I tell you where I am, you'll easilly know who Y-Guy is. I don't want this all over the net...
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-Wife is planning to go to her attorney on Thursday and file for divorce. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I didn't discuss that much, but it worries me

-I got my bed back! I had to move the computer out of the den, so that can be her room now.

-I met with OMW and shared with her my evidence. We shared what I knew, and I told her how to get to this messageboard. BUT, after seeing my evidence she does NOT want to recconcile with OM. I was also clear with her that if OM and WW do not break up soon, I will tell his bosses and get him thrown out.

-After I returned home I discussed my meeting with OMW to my WW. She nearly cried at one point... OMW had asked OM "Do you love her?" His answer was "I don't know". Wife was hurt by that...

-I think WW is telling lies about me. I think she is telling more people about OM, but is making up stuff about me to make me seem like a monster.

-Wife called her father. She cried and told him all sorts of stuff. "He kicked me out of my room!" But she left out ANYTHING about OM. So, I'm thinking of calling her Papa, which she doens't want me to do. "It will kill him" she says...
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Overall, she says that our marriage is making her misserable and OM or not, she does not want to be with me. This concerns me greatly...

Hang tough Gramn. All of this is just the shock of everything. Of course OM doesn't love your wife. He doesn't even know her.

Expect the fact that everything will be in transition for a couple days. Take care of you.

But it might be time to ask wife's father for some help in saving your marriage. Let him know what is going on, and that you don't want a divorce.

Gramm, call her dad and ALL her close family members, your close family members, and tell them what is going on. Tell them you want to save your marriage, love your wife and ask for their help and moral support. Tell them she is having an affair with a married man with a SAHM and 3 teenagers and this is why she wants the seperation. Then tell your W you have exposed her to her family.


Why? This is fogbabble straight out the WS handbook! They all say this. Don't take a thing she says seriously right now, Gramm. She is an addict in the throes of an addiction. As soon as she withdraws from the OM, her story will change, I promise you.

Let me translate this for you, Gramm. She allowed her herself to get caught up in this affair against her better judgement. Now that she is addicted to the affair, she needs to rationalize what she has done.

The best way, she figures in her warped mind, is to a) demonize you and b) claim that the marriage was "already over." Hence her pretend game of "seperation" by kicking you out of the bedroom. You were simply aiding and abetting the game by going along with this.

This is an attempt to justify the unjustifiable, so please see it for what it is and don't take it seriously. If your marriage was so bad, she would have left long ago, she wouldn't have got involved with a married man. The solution to marital problems is counseling, not an affair and any sane person knows that.

Well, she is sure not sane then...

Tonight, She convinced her parents and Grandma to give her the money for the divorce! This REALLY pisses me off, because she has not told them about the OM!! I know that would be a huge factor. I will talk to her father tomorrow. What crap!

And she keeps telling everyone how "She doesn't love me" and all this... ARGH!

See, if the affair is exposed, she can't lie to everyone, nor can she get their support. You are on the right track, just get to calling first thing tomorrow! Tell them that giving her money is the same as financing her affair with a married man with a SAHW and 3 teenage boys.

This is pissing me off so much! She is going around calling all of her friends to get them on her side. AND, (listening through a wall) I also found out that she is LYING to them! She is saying that I sent the guy a virus! Why would I do that? (I use that account all the time and have NEVER transmitted a virus)

Just don't react to it. Smile sweetly and make those calls in the morning.

Gramn - I am praying for you.

Take a deep breath. Hold it. Let it out.

As MM says - you are in control.

Patience, brother. I will pray for patience and wisdom for you.


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And peace. I prayed for peace for you, too.

You should feel it.

Blessings, brother.

Another thing I found last night. YGuy and Wife made an announcement to some of the Y employees that they are together and that they are leaving their marriages.

This was very clever... Trying to get this out in the open enough so that if I go to the Board, then it's already old news...

Gramm, then maybe you should set the record straight. This is nothing more than a sleazy affair and they should know about it.

Gramn - How did you find out they made the announcement at the Y? This may not be true. It may be just to throw you off.

I overheard her talking to a friend in the other room.

I want to talk to her father. He lives in another country though. So, I emailed him and asked that he call me. I hope he does.

Gramn:

I'm chiming in to encourage you not to react to her. What you are seeing is desperation. She is trying to get you off of YOUR PLAN.

Did you see the movie MEN IN BLACK? The MIB had to deal with normal people who looked like ALIENS? You need to join the MIB, GRAMN. Your WW might look like a normal functioning rational human being but she is not. Just like MEL says, she is drug-crazed, trying to insure continuation of her fix. She is no longer herself.

FOCUS ON YOURSELF and YOUR PLAN. She and the Y GUY are liable to lie and try to provoke you into being the BAD GUY. Don't fall for this.

Your assignment is to EXPOSE and also to PLAN A.

You CAN meet her Emotional Needs during this time. That's the last thing she wants you to do since she is trying to make you into the BAD GUY in order to justify continuation of her A.

What were the issues in your marriage? What was she needing from you, GRAMN?

Step back and plan and think and try to stop reacting to her.

I might seem curt since I'm trying to post to you while busy and work. However, this comes with heartfelt understanding of what you are going through. I have been in your same position. Believe me, your WW is acting no differently than other WSes. She is following the standard script that most of of us have seen and lived.

Step back from her drama and watch it play out.

Oh how I'm remembering my FWH trying to fool me, saying, for example, that the OW didn't have to worry about me exposing at her job, because "they all ready know about us." Sound familiar, Gramn! It was all a lie.....

It helped me to remember that TIME IS ON YOUR SIDE.

Thanks Mimi...

I don't know how time is on my side. The more she runs around turning people against me, the more it screws with my life! I don't want to go around playing "Damage control" but should I let her lie about me and let people think crazy stuff?

I was hoping that time would let this fizzle out, but it's making me crazy!

After sleeping in my bed, I found a "sex" stain on my sheets. Fu$% That! More lies!

And, as I said, they are possibly trying to get the Y people to side with them. I already know that most of her friends are in on this...

I think you should talk to her father but do not expect a lot. No matter what, she is still his daughter and he will support her. Just as you would your own. Unconditional love is a killer.

That being said I think the truth needs to be told. I would suggest saying we have had some problems some of which I am responsible for but I want to preserve this family and fight for it. I would like your grandaughter to grow up in a full functioning family. I do not want to throw that opportunity away without trying to fix what is wrong.

You will NEVER get him on your side but you can get him to talk to your WW and get her to stop and try to be rational.

Do not be baited into her traps. She is scrambling now trying to counter your attack. Keep on your plan. She is scurrying around telling lies to back up lies. She will fall apart on her own when she cant keep up with the mess she is creating.

It is REALLY hard to see this now but most of us have been in your exact shoes. We know how you are feeling. and we know you do get past this.

My guess is fairly soon she will try to reason you into Divorce. She will tell you that you deserve better than her. blah blah blah. You just tell her that may be true but it is this family that you want. For better or worse. You are here now to try to make it better.

I've got to say this is why I am a believer in the 'scorched earth' exposure policy. My case was a lot different tho. It's hard for a WS to lie about their intentions to anyone when they're living in a motel room getting ready to fly off to the place where OM lives.

But in my case, I exposed to EVERYONE...albeit not truly understanding the benifit of doing so at the time. At that time, I was simply reaching out for ANYONE who might be able to get the wife to understand what she was doing and start THINKING instead of REACTING.

No one flat out 'condemned' her, but the one person I hoped she would listen to supported our M. At first, she waffled and told my wife to do whatever she had to...but then called her back and told her the truth...that she couldn't support what she was doing, that she really needed to stop and give some real thought to things.

The end result? My wife finally started to get a glimmer of light through the fog, and ended up not leaving. Our family still helped her deal with things, and we're in a better state now than we have been in years. She felt trapped at first, because no one would agree with her that leaving our marriage was the right thing to do...but now she's glad she stayed.

Gramn, just expose to everyone you need to. Let them know the truth of what's going on, let them know that you've got the proof to back up you comments...does she have the same? And let them clearly know that you're fighting to SAVE your marriage, not end it.

Gramn,

You have been given EXCELLENT advice. As all of them have said, NOTHING your wife has said or done so far is out of the ordinary. That is, out of the ordinary for the ordinary WS.

I said to wait yesterday to see what she does to understand what her next step will be. Not all WSs run after exposure. So, to give your wife one little chance that she would turn was the right thing to do.

But run she has!! She moved into the other bedroom, she has counterattacked by trying to get the word out to everyone that you kicked her out, etc. With all of this, she has now basically given you permission to continue to nuke her.

I have one question: did OMW say anything more about helping to end this, or about you going to the Y board?

As everyone has said, this is war. So, you started the attack two days ago. She has responded. Now, it is time for your next move.

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Gramn's Round Two

Okay, first and foremost is to talk to her parents. If they wont talk, send an email. Type up an explanation of what has happened. If you still have some intel that you dont want your WW knowing how you got it, then dont reveal it specifically. Otherwise, expose away. In that letter/email, make sure you express the fact that you are fighting for your marriage! That you are not about divorce and do not seek a divorce.

Second, get your family to know. They will be in your corner. Her family, unfortunately will not. Blood is thicker than mud. By exposing to them, although they wont come to your side, they will be able to keep from being manipulated by your WW. At the very least, you hope that her family just backs away and stays out of it! Your family you will need! For comfort, advice, helping with your daughter (when you get custody!!). So, get the word out!

Third, type up a letter/email similar to the one you are going to send to WW's father. This one goes to her friends, the one's she is lying to.

Fourth, same deal here but send a revised letter specifically to the Y board. Express to them that you hope that a fine organization such as the Y does not condone picking up married women in their facilities and adultery by one of their employees. That you are determining other actions conerning the Y because of the predatory actions of the OM (a bluff for now...but they dont know that...and it is a bluff because you just might come back later and do some things with them).

Fifth, get IC counseling NOW! For yourself, to begin to work thru things. Also, it will look good in court.

Sixth, sign up NOW for a class, usually given by the county/city, under a title like "Living apart, Parenting Togther." It might be under another title. I did this course right before we went to custody hearing. It was informative. And, it definitely was in my favor that I had taken a class that teaches how to parent for the sake of the child in a separated home!! You might never need this...but remember what I told you before? You cannot be too prepared!!

Seventh, continue affair research and documentation!! Do not stop this. Write down everything, even small. It may be big later on. Write down every interaction with you and your child, the things you do for her. Also, your wife. You need to start being there for the child more. If you do get custody, you will be her primary care giver. Start doing that NOW!! Start acting like that NOW!

Next, make sure all of your accounts are transfered immediately! She will clean you out if she has the chance (my wife did). If she screams about it when she finds out (and she will want to tell friends/family/the court that you did it because you wanted her out), you let her know and everyone else know that you are just protecting the family and that once things are well again, then you two can get back to normal on that also.

Ninth, have you gotten that book yet??? The e-book? If not, get it!! It has checklists of all of the things you need to be doing. I still say that by filing for custody of your daughter, you will show the judge that you are serious about her and about your family. In the same breath that I told the judge I wanted primary custody of my child, I also told him that I still wanted to save the marriage and I was not trying to divorce her. Just protecting our child from her immoral decisions.

Tenth, talk to your boss. Let him/her know what is going on and that things will be kind of crazy for the next few weeks. By doing that, your boss should be able to cut you some slack on time off, or leaving early, etc. Ask him to keep it just between you two and out of the office gossip.

Lastly, as we have said before...do not agree to ANYTHING except counseling together until the affair is over. Dont even discuss it. Let her talk, and scream and try to prod you. You just listen, write down what she says later. But your response is "Honey, nothing has changed for me. I love you, you are my wife and I want this family to be together. I do not do divorce. God hates divorce." And then shut up.

The best advice I can give you is in a pinch, when things are hot and heavy, and you dont know what to do...shut up and do nothing. Dont react. Dont smart off. Just listen. And then wait on the Lord to guide you. Come here and we can help you decifer it all (it is easier for us to see the trees in the forest because you are in it right now...we are not). If you can afford it, contact Steve Harley immediately!

Gramn, move forward now. The OM and WW have made their next move. Time to fire another volley! Remember, for awhile...each nuke attack will be met with increased anger. You just continue on. Dont let her goad you into feeling bad or being mad. She is on drugs. Nothing she says will make sense for awhile. Keep an air around you of confidence, make her think that you have this all figured out (this is a major part of bluffing...some demands I made of my wife in reality I had no ability to make...but because I was so confident, she just went along with them as if I had the power to lay down the law).

You are doing fine! We all went thru this. It is a textbook case so far. Have you read Surviving an Affair? Read that one right after the e-book. You need to become an expert on affairs now.

Your wife and daughter are counting on YOU now. Your wife doesnt know that right now. But she is counting on you. If you let her go, if you let her do this...she will wake up one day in a disaster, and will rightly be able to blame you. How? Because you didnt love her enough to fight for her...even if that means fighting her.

As someone said above, she isnt going to let you meet needs. So what? Do it anyway. First, it will become a habit then. And second, she will remember what you have done when she decides to come out of the fog.

One step at a time, my man. Baghdad is still a long way off.

In His arms.

I talked to WW's dad. He will help get this figured out...

On the lies she is telling, I wanted to use the war in Iraq to show something here.

Do you remember the Iraqi information minister? He sat on TV, while the American tanks were starting to rumble thru Baghdad, telling the world that they had defeated the Americans and there were no American troops anywhere near Baghdad. Of course, it was all lies.

Everyone could see he was lying because the Americans were braodcasting exactly where they were thru the news media. Thus this information minister had no credibility.

That is why you dont worry about her lies. Just get the truth out. Wherever she spreads lies, you send out the truth...backed by evidence. And then shut up. She will begin to lose credibility as she is not only looked on as an adulteress...but also a liar.

By the way...anyone know what happened to that guy?? He was so nuts, I kinda liked him.

In His arms.