Record EVERYTHING!! Everything is useful. So when she says that on such and such a date, you threatened her or touched her or whatever, you can play the tape which you have marked (also as you start it up everyday, state into the recorder the date and time) for the judge. You can also use it later in the day to help you record things in your journal.

Everything is important. It is hard to prove you didnt do something. By having the journal and documenting everything...by having th recorder and recording everything, you will be protected.

You wont have to do this forever. But these first 24 weeks will be crucial. Her attorney will probably try to get you to do two things. First, he will try to get her to get you to do something stupid (violent or threatening) so he can peg your wife as a product of spouse abuse, and that's why the affair. Second, he will try to get your wife to go to bed with you one time. According to the law, if after you find out about the A, then you move in together (if you are separated) and/or if you have sex, then you have forgiven her for the offense. And the judge will not hold it against her. So, no sex with the wife...for quite awhile. Even if she cozies up to you one night and says she wants the marriage. Before I came home from deployment (while the affair was first starting) my wife had gone to see an attorney. The attorney said she should keep quiet about the affair, then discuss it when I got back...and then put on the lingerie, say she wants to "try" to save the marriage, and then hang from the chandelier. Then, wait a couple weeks, announce that she was wrong and things wont work, and then file for divorce. By me taking her back after knowing about the affair and by us having sex, then all would be lost.

But, I didnt play that game!!

Make your legal moves today, Gramn. Box her in some more. Do not trust her. She will have friends and attorneys telling her to do things you can not imagine. This is not your wife right now. She is an alien intent on destroying your life.

Fighting for your marriage will not destroy it. But doing nothing surely will.

In His arms.

Gramn,

I hope you don't mind me writing to you, but I have been following your story since its beginning and am your champion, also.

Until now, I never really had any advice to give, never having had been in your situation, but at this point I have some suggestions about the letter to the Y that you may want to consider.

I worked at the Y for many years and am familiar with how its infrastructure works. Of course, this was years ago and in another state but I believe Ys everywhere are obligated to uphold the same Christian standards -- and yours is definitely not.

My example of a letter may seem harsh -- and you are free to use it or not, as you see fit -- but I fear that the YMCA Board of Directors (and yes, I am familiar with them too *grunble*) will not take your situation seriously unless you make a helluva lotta noise. And I mean a lot. You are, after all, paying the bill, correct? They should still have some semblance of customer service.

My example follows:


To whom it may concern (a name is better if you have one/some)

I am shocked and appalled at what I have discovered has been taking place at the YMCA located at address in city, state.

Yes, this sounds drastic and almost ridiculous, but you want to grab their attention right away. Make sure you include all details of street, city and state because this letter will be CCed to other key people and officials at a local, state and/or national level. These names will be listed at the bottom of the letter, and they will recieve copies, too. If nothing else, your Y will be motivated to give your complaint some attention, knowing you are fully capable of going over their heads and getting someone higher on the food chain's attention.

Recently, I discovered that one of your senior instructors (or trainiers, or whatever) {insert YGuy's name here} is having an adulturous affair with my wife {insert WWs name here}.

I am under the impression that YGuy & his wife recently announced that they are separating. This is due to my exposure of the affair, which had been taking place for some time before their decision to leave their marriage. This in no way constitutes a reason for Yguy to continue his illicit relationship with my wife.

I expect you to formally reprimand YGuy and order him to have no further contact with my wife or to consider terminating his employment.

Here you HAVE to state your expectations. You CANNOT leave this part out. Otherwise, they are just reading a letter with you griping. Do you want YGuy fired? reprimanded? Please re-word as needed, but it must be concise.

I was under the impression that the YMCA was a Christian-based establishment and that your employees had that standard to uphold. I have been paying for my wife's membership for {however long, include total amount of $ spent so far if it is substantial} and had been considering a membership myself. I cannot explain the disappointment I am feeling at seeing how wrong I was.

This is mentioned only because suggesting that the company could lose your business usually motivates someone to do something. Also, the "implied threat" means that you will tell others about this problem you have had with their establishment -- friends, family, coworkers, etc -- and they will not want to lose business.

I wish this matter investigated and resolved immediately to my satisfaction, and I ask that you contact me regarding this in the next week. Thank you.

Here you letting them know that you DO expect to hear something from them, and you will NOT be ignored. You are even giving them a time limit of sorts -- within the next week. You expect quick action to be taken, and if not, more poison from your pen will flow.

Sincerely,

Gramn------
home address
city, state, zip

phone
email


cc: YMCA
12345 YMCA Drive
Smackdown City, Ohio 12345

YMCA local chapter
23456 blah blah blah Ave.
La la la, Ohio, 23456

YMCA State level
34567 grapevine lane
de de de de, Ohio, 34567

YMCA National Level
45678 Whatever Ct.
Some city, Anywhere, 67890

it is imperative that you cc all of these people so that 1) the message is out there for the whole Y community to see; 2) the original Y knows you won't sit back on your laurels; and 3) Everyone knows YOU EXPECT SOMETHING TO BE DONE. Don't just bluff --really mail your copy of the letter to these people!



Best of luck, gramn, I will be chiming in when I can!

You can DO it!


StillLovingHim

SLH,

That was brilliant.

Gramn, there is your letter!!

In His arms.

SLH - GREAT letter. That's why I love this place. So much help here. With an infantry like this, Gramn can't lose.

Sign it seal it and deliver it. That letter would get my attention.

No time to pity the OMW. Did she support you when you asked for time to confront wife. Nope. OM made choices and has to deal with them. as MM and Larry say GET R' DONE!

The recorder I have are digital so there are no tapes and they are REALLY small. I will set up a dummy email account and post it for you.

Here is the address for the National YMCA. Give them a call to find out who you can address a specific claim to. Also send it certified mail so you KNOW they received it.

YMCA of the USA, write YMCA of the USA, Association Advancement, 101 North Wacker Drive, Chicago, IL 60606, or call 312-977-0031.

I like that letter too! The letter I sent today was for the employees. (One of whom called and said that he DID NOT KNOW!)

This letter can be for the board.

A man oc action...I like it!

I've been looking for that number. Thanks!

If interested in the recorders send me an email to the below account. I am sure you will like the name. All free of charge. I have no use for them and am too lazy to try to sell them.

mission_y_guy@yahoo.com

I have followed this for a few weeks and decided I would chime in. MM is right on with all of his advice. My God how I wish I found this place 3 years ago!!!

In short my XW filed for divorce and removal from house due to abuse with out history. She got it because they shopped judges. First one said there is no proof, it is all hear say, serve him divorce papers and I'll see them in court. They found another judge, who 6 years earlier did the same thing, refused order of protection, refused exclusive use of marital home, refused custody request, all because of no history. Husband was served at work. He went home and killed his family. So now if there's a claim he approves it until a hearing is done. Mine was 3 days later, served on Monday night court on Friday. Original judge scheduled court 4 weeks later. So PROTECT YOURSELF!!

Even though XW and I had not been able to agree to seperation terms (mostly around custody) I trusted her to do the right thing. When in court her attorney said she had "proff" of abuse. All there was were a couple of vocie mails with me upset over a surprise "seperation agreement" proposal (I had no idea she had consulted am attorney). No threats, no nothing, just me upset. Same with e-mails. However, she got teh house, custody , took the money long before I had any idea what was happening and I am a CPA who is almost done with law school!! I know better!!

I ended up in my house by weeks end but she kept custody and an order of protection because she freaked out in court when she saw me because I smirked at her.

Why am I here? Well...We went through 5 years of hell because she had an affair...and I did not know and did not want a divorce. We're reconciling now....

So Gramn..listen to these folks...you're not alone. We all know what you feel and your despair. Don't let the person that was once your wife fool you. Right now she is not anything that you're attracted to right?? Then don't let her fool you right now....she is fogged to the 10th degree...

Good luck...I'm pulling for you

Thanks "Send Me On My Way".
Things seem pretty hopeless right now.

She called me after meeting with the attorney. She sounded strange, but said everything was OK, and that the Attorney said to wait to file until I find out what is happening with that job interview in Chicago... Maybe I'm paranoid, but it concerns me...

Gramn:

Try to keep in mind what we are saying about your WW being a FOGGY ALIEN!

Go forward with your OWN PLAN!

You cannot believe anything that she says. Don't count her being HONEST with you about the nature of her appointment with her attorney.

THIS IS A WAR now... A FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE! She is fighting to end it.

We do not want her to win NOT ONE battle...

Be concerned...but not afraid. God is on your side here...not hers.

So, they want to see about the job situation, huh? That can only mean that they want to use you possibly having to move to order your daughter to stay there. Unfortunately, that will work, if they can paint you into that corner.

I had to retire early from the Army (earlier than I wanted to) because another deployment was coming up and if I had gone, she would have walked away with everything. So I gave up the career I loved in order to protect my family, and even my wife.

You are going to have to think this one thru, Gramn. Right now, you just let her think you are waiting on the job offer. She will hold in place until then. But, what is your plan if they do offer? If you go, you will most probably not be able to get custody. If you dont get it or turn it down, then you will be in a better position...but miss out on this job. Tuff stuff!

But, there will always be jobs. What is more important is protecting your daughter. My wife thought I was a fool for retiring. I gave up a promotion, and a lot of money in order to retire. But she knew why I did it. And she wasnt happy about it.

But guess what? That was just one more testimony to her and others of how very serious I was about saving our marriage and our family.

A quick note: if you know anything about my sitch, you know the OM was a product of an affair by his wife. His high school sweetheart cheated on him and ultimately left him. Why? Because he never fought for her. He up and moved from Florida to Virginia, leaving his daughters to be raised by his WW and the OM. So, when I didnt stay with my career, when I fought back, I was the exact opposite of the OM. And was just another example to her over the long haul of why that guy couldnt hold a candle to me!

So, have a plan on the job. In the meantime, she is going to wait a few days (if she is telling the truth). So, you go and launch. Dont tell her about the job. Dont tell her when/if you turn it down or get denied. Let them think that they have that in the bag. Then if you show up to a hearing, her attorney will rely on that. And your response? "What job? Oh, I realized due to my wife's actions that I could not take that job so I turned it down in order to remain here in our home and to raise our daughter. And in order to help save our marriage."

I did this in our custody hearing. I had created so many shadows, so many bluffs...or so many things that they thought went one way but had actually gone another, that her attorney looked like a fool every time she brought it up. I NEVER lied about those things. I never concealed the truth. I just let her continue to think whatever she wanted about what was going on. And then in court, her attorney would ask me "Well, what about this?" And my response would be...in truthfulness, "What about that? That doesnt exist. I never did that nor am planning on doing that."

And then would continue to repeat my message "I love my wife. I want us to save this marriage and our family."

Get your attorney moving now. You now have admission of adultery. Launch the next nuke so you can gain custody and lock her in further. Keep the walls closing in on her.

In His arms.

If what she is saying about waiting on that job offer is true... then good. If she is lying, then I worry what is really happening.

I remember that tendency to focus on WS and what he does and what he says. Now I know that was a mistake. The WS is plotting and conniving against you and the M, unfortunately. I know that this is hard to accept and to belief. At least, it was for me.

You only have control over yourself, your own thoughts and your own actions.....

Which is why you launch! File the paperwork for custody and protection of assets.

Dont concern yourself with what she is doing. It does not matter. You take care of yourself. When this all plays out you will have the chance to work at your marriage. The best thing you can do is get your head straight and wait for her world to fall apart.

She thinks by leaving you all will be fine. It wont. OM is already lying to her about what he said to wife. There is conflict. Keep the heat on them but let her run around and do what she must. You cant control what she does.

Gramm,

A couple of questions:
1. Why have you not gone to see a lawyer yet today? I think this is the most important next step, as she is already ahead of you on this point. You can only hurt yourself and your daughter by delaying. No excuses; find a way to make it happen today or tomorrow at the latest. As someone once said on a thread, STOP ARGUING FOR YOUR LIMITATIONS.
2. Why believe anything your WW is saying?

1) I have already seen an attorney and talked with another one. The attorney I selected though, is out of town and can't see me until the 27th! I was unhappy with that, so contacted some of the other local civil attorneys...One is unavailable even longer. One is on sick leave. One has a conflict of interest(might be representing OM) Finally, I found a good one who is available. This guy was at the bottom of my "reccomended" list, but can see me tuesday...

2) I don't believe anything she says, so never know what to think.