Yes, Gramn - she believes him, practically a stranger, over her husband. That is how they are. It's better not to talk to your wife about what the OM says. My WH's OW said some very mean, nasty things to me while she was driving by my house. My WH didn't believe it, and asked her. She denied it, and he believed her. It's a losing battle.

Gramn,

Have been following your story but haven't posted before now because I really don't have much to add (I wasn't, exactly, an MB success story). Am posting now, though, to let you know you have the support of a fellow Ohioan (now transplanted in TX) and, yes, GO BUCK! (My son's Godfather is in TBDBIL!)

Regards,

Brit's Brat/BS-44
XH-46
DS-3.5
Status: D-Day 5/02, divorce final 5/04. Living my life.

Thanks for the support Brit\'s Brat...

Today Wife plans to file for divorce. I'm not sure what will happen. I'm thinking of doing this today:

Emailing the Y staff to let them know my view

and maybe more.

Broken Record Here:

Follow Mortarman's roadmap for you.....

I'm getting lots of encouragment from people here, but It doesn't seem like it's meaning much in real life.

-I called a "friend" who instead of calling me, told his wife. His wife called mine who chewed me out for calling this guy.

-I called one of the employees at the Y who is supposedly not even a friend with YGuy and left a message. Instead of getting a call back, nothing!

I guess I can email these people at the Y, but if they have been told that I'll send them a "virus" then they might not even open it!?!

Oh Gramn - this is all normal. You will feel kind of isolated right now. We all did.

I think I would write a letter to the Y today. Send it to the directors by registered mail.

It seems your wife is going on the offensive. Have you been able to retain an attorney? I'm afraid her next step will be to try to get you out of the home, so she can continue what may be left of her affair using your money.

Have you heard anything else from the OM's wife?

I heard nothing from OMW yesterday, which concerns me.

I only have phone numbers for the Y's board.
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Here is a draft of a letter to the Y's employees. See if you have any ideas for improvements...

Hi _____________,
I don't know you very well, but have enjoyed(whatever I have done with this person)

I don't know what you know about the situation with my wife WIFE, and YGUY. I heard a rumor that YGUY announced his intentions for a relationship with her to some of the Y's staff, but don't know if that is true. They may be "in love" as they claim, but I don't know.

Here is what I know to be true: YGUY and WIFE have been involved in a secret sexual relationship for several weeks, at the very least. They only came out with it publically a few days ago, after I uncovered proof and told YGUY's wife (of 18 years). I then discussed it with WIFE. Both she and YGuy admitted to this affair.

WIFE told me on Apr. 24th that she wanted to seperate from me and that she "Is not in love with me". I confronted her about there being someone else and she looked me in the eye and denied it- numerous times. They both continued lying to YGUY's wife OMW, and to cover this up. So, I gathered evidence and revealed the truth. I could not sit idly by as our lives and families were destroyed.

I don't want to seperate from WIFE, but will have to respect her decision. I do NOT respect lies and betrayal though.
I love WIFE and DAUGHTER greatly and want what is best for them.
I don't know what has been said about me behind my back, and don't expect you to support me. I just ask that you make up your own minds about this situation.

Contact me if you have any questions.

-GRAMN

Gramn, I think the letter is an excellent idea but you need to approach it from the standards that I believe a Christian organization would/should hold its employees to. In other words, your letter is too passive IMHO. Drop the rumor stuff and just tell them you expect an organization like theirs to uphold Christian values and the sanctity of marriage and what their employee is doing to your M is hurting you and your daughter. You may want to hint to further public exposure if they do not take action. You may want to check out Alphin's thread and the exposure she is working on with her husband's workplace. He works for a private Catholic school. This is your chance Gramn to take a stand for your M.

Gramn -

I would make it shorter, and ask for some action. The first 3 paragraphs are good. Then I would say something like: I am concerned that the Y is employing a person that is married, and would have an affair with one of his married customers.

Two families with children have been devastated by this affair.

I hope that you can counsel your employee that his behavior does not reflect the values of the Y. Hopefully he will stop this inappropriate relationship.

Tell your wife "why is it necessary for her to tell people and have someone to talk to". Tell her you are hurt and need to talk to someone.

TELL YOUR FAMILY. Unless they are horrible people they will support you. They will listen to you. Who gives a [email]S@%T[/email] if she doesnt like them or they dont like her. They are YOUR family, your support group. They will help you get a decent lawyer if they can. They will be on your side. You are not alone. I know it feels that way but you are not. You need to get some counseling fast. You have to get yourself in order if for no other reason than your child. THAT is priority #1.

Listen to MorterMan he has this down. Prepare for the worst but hope for the best. As we all said the easy part was wondering if something was going on. The hard part is once you KNOW something is going on. You are fighting for your family. It is a long lonely journey. The only thing that can come out of this is you being a better stronger person. Even IF your marriage is over (which is not decided by the way) you can hold your head up high if you gave it everything you had.

If she is going to file for divorce you make damn sure you are ready for that and fight for your child and family. Stand up to her and dont be blammed or guilted into feeling this is all your fault.

I have a friend whos wife had an affair and got pregnant. This was a year before my wife had her A. They divorced after 6 months of "working" on it and ended up remarried and now have a child of their own. It is NEVER over unless you give in and let her out the easy way. And divorce is never easy. She is caught up in something that will die. It is dying as we speak. Help kill it where you can but TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. If your wife cannot see what you are willing to do to save your family as admirable you are better off without her.

Dont confide in mutual friends. Expose but dont confide. You cant trust what has been said already and where their allegience lies. Any brothers or sisters, old friends that are yours. I am not a religious person at all but if you are turn to your pastor, priest, shaman, or rabbi.

I dont mean to be harsh but you need to get out of the self-pity and anger at yourself and stand up and fight. Dont let her dictate to you. Dont battle with her. Go about your business and get yourself better. In the state your wife is in now you arent going to make any progress with her so you have to work on you.

My wife always viewed me as emotionally weak. The biggest thing I showed her was the strength I had to get through all of this with my head held high. You need to focus and be determined to do what is right. It is a mind game right now...a chess match..dont let her regain the upper hand. You are in control of what you want now go out and get it.

Thanks for the thoughts, and ideas on the letter. I incorporated them.

My lawyer (who has been highly reccomended) is out of town until the 27th! Maybe I'd better find another one...

Well Gramn -

I hope you have done the homework that MM advised you to do.

I think you mentioned that you live in a community property state. That probably means that you can't be put out of your house unless your wife claims you are violent. But I would check that out.

How is all of this stuff affecting your job?

Yup exploit the fact that they are a christian FAMILY organization and you would expect more from their "leaders" than carring on an adulterous affair with a member.

To echo believer how are things at work. Is your boss someone you can confide in? You may want to let them know so they will cut you a little slack. I had the support of my manager but not the director. I was an exemplary employee before this and it ended up costing me a promotion recently. I was told they could not trust I wouldnt fall of the deep end again.

This is why getting your crap together is important. Your wife is going to do what she is going to do for now. You cant control that. You can only control yourself. Call your lawyers office and say it is an emergency and ask if someone is covering for him while he is out. You need to take protective action.

And another thing. The issue about violence. Be very careful about what you do. As well as cleaning out bank accounts WW typically will claim some form of abuse to get custody. Once the claim is made you can be removed from your home and away from your child. This is the advice I received from the lawyer I had at the time.

The emails are sent... I'm worried about backlash on that one now...
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I am aware of the "community property" and "abuse" rules. I'm not sure what I can do to stop myself from being accused of abuse though. Maybe I could document that she yells a lot, but even if she did hit me, I'd have no proof...
----------------------

Gramn -

Another thing, (like you need more to worry about, right?), you might want to put your financial papers in a safe place.

My sis is an attorney, and when I was first going through this, she warned me that many times one spouse will grab all of the financial records. I told her my WH would never do something like that. I did look at the financial file, and it was still there. Little did I know, until I was looking for the title to my car, that my husband had emptied everything in the file and took it. What a big mess that made for me. I still don't have them back.

Get a handheld (you can put it in your pocket) voice-activated recorder and have it on when you two are together. Save the tapes. Keep recording ALL conversations and interactions with herGet your attorney (or as suggested above, his partner) today!! They can draw up some documentation to allow you to protect assets, since she has threatened divorce today. With that threat, you can act in good faith, according to the court. A reasonable person would protect themselves against that kind of threat.

Read that e-book. I still say you need to file first. It allows you to establish the claims, which she must refute...and makes you look good to the judge. And, by filing...you can then slow the process down considerably. Time is on your side, but not if you let her control the time and place of engagements between you two.

Time to make that lawyer work for you.

Also, send off email to the Y's corporate board. Get-er-dun!

In His arms.

Hang in there my friend. Days will get better. You are doing great. Hard to believe but it is true.

A lot to think about and your mind is going numb. Just follow the plan and see what happens.

Actually, Gramn

I had a phone recorder I was going to offer you but sold it on ebay. I still do have two voice activated dictaphones. I was going to sell them but have not gotten around to it.

My kids just play with them now. If you would like I would just give them to you. If interested let me know and I will set up an email where you could send me your address. I could mail them somewhere else if you would like. I understand if you dont take me up on it. I would be a little leary as well.

They are Olympus model# VN480 I believe. I got them on the advise of my lawyer in case she did claim abuse or did get abusive with me. Also planted in her car etc.

Let me know. I cant think of anything better to do with them than help someone out.

I'll try to find ANOTHER attorney after lunch. Unfortunatly, unless she screws up, I think she'll file first, but I'll see what I can do...

Feelin Groovy, let me know about those recorders. They sound interesting...

I have a recorder, but have not been able to record anything useful yet.