She knows she cant take the baby cause she talked to a lawyer. She needs you to leave and "abandon" them. It is ugly I know and you probably wonder how the person you love can treat you like crap over and over again. Did you tie up your finances. She opened an account, do you know what has been moved their. Has she opened credit card accounts in her name. As a husband you are still responsible for any debt she racks up. Run a free credit report on her. You may even be able to get her credit denied unless you co-sign. Protect your ASSets.

Just remember it is an addiction. You have come between her and the crack pipe and she will fight you like hell for another small scrap of rock cocaine. Eventually she will come out of it (the fog)

Almost all (like 97%) affairs end because eventually they become like what you have now. A relationship that takes A LOT of work to keep going. IF you treat her with dignity (firm but fair) during this time (plan A) she eventually will respect that. You begin to look more admirable to the Y Guy who is too busy covering his own tracks to give her all the attention he did before. Which is why you keep pressing exposure.

Better days are ahead.

As MM says, unfortunately, you are engaged in a war. You will find yourself proceeding from battle to battle.

You said:



I doubt she'll do this. Her attorney likely informed her not to do so.

I predict that she will do everything in her power to get you to leave. She may even try to provoke you into anger.

PUT ON YOUR ARMOR!!

-Talked to a lawyer about her moving out question. She'll hate it when I can say "The Lawyer said NOT to move out".

-It's very hard to meet her EN. She doesn't want to let me. Today, she complained about some dishes that I didn't put away, but a day ago when I MADE THE dinner, she ate it and I got no thanks at all.

-I think one of her main EN is financial support. -She perceives that this YGuy is well off.--She is dissatisfied with my income. So, to meet that need I'd want to take this potential job in Chicago, but if I do that, it would create other problems...

The Y Guy will not be very well off if he doesnt have that job. FIRE THE MISSLE.

Yes you cannot meet her needs now and she wont let you anyway. But you still try. She will remember what you have done for her in time. Do not be provoked into anger.

Yes she will hate it when you say your lawyer told you not to leave. Also tell her that you didnt discuss divorce with the lawyer. You discussed the steps necessary to protect your family. Making a stand for your family. Not just you YOUR FAMILY which she is a part of.

You will foil her plan. She is just looking for what she perceives as the "easy way out" you bear the emotional burden and guilt and she peacefully moves on. In the end it always backfires but she is blinded by the drug.

Hi Gramn,

I haven't posted to you before, but I've followed your story from the start.

I think you are being so strong; it's wonderful to see a man fight for his family so hard. Keep it up!

Eventually your wife will see how hard you worked for what is right and she will respect you for it.

Good stuff, Gramn!

Alph.

FG wrote:
Send the letter in the other post to the Y's corporate offices. Their mission is to "Build strong kids, STRONG FAMILIES, and Strong communities. I dont think this dude upheld that mission very well. Send the letter to all levels at the Y so they HAVE to deal with it. Co-workers will just gossip. Directors will protect the organization.


I can't believe I forgot to mention this but it it so true! This affair is a slap in the face of their very slogan -- Build strong kids, STRONG FAMILIES, and Strong communities. The corprate honchos don't want word getting out that they hire womanizers! Imagine what that would do to their membership sales, fundraisers, etc. Gramn, grab this bull by the horns, hon! Get that letter out to some of the people who will notice! I can reword parts of it if you like, just let me know, but we need to get it done.

Let me repeat FG:
Co-workers will just gossip. Directors will protect the organization. !!!!!!!!!!!!!

The sooner YGuy's world starts falling apart around him (via a serious job threat from the corporates, not just "rumors" from minimum-wage-earning teenagers, the sooner he will ditch your wife, and then you and she can get down to the business of repairing your marriage.

Chin up, buddy, and get to it!!

Let me know if you'd like any help rewording or want to incorporate something else into the letter. I can give my suggestions.


StillLovingHim

Great!!

To save money??? How is that? She opened that account in order to get ready to be on her own.

Very good. Now you are thinking.

Why? Why cant you stop her? Society is blowing smoke up people's butts about this deal that women get their kids. Well, not anymore. Not when they act like WW's do. Not when a BH stands up and goes the extra 100 miles to make sure they have an open-and-shut case. Sure Gramn, in the end, she may get custody. May!! But guess what? That e-book that I had you read...what happened to that guy? He wasnt prepared, he lost temporary custody in the beginning. But, he got smart real fast, got all that stuff together...and he got primary permanent custody of his kids! Never give in...never give up! On your child. Also, dont give up on your wife just yet. Just because we are talking about this and doing this initial stuff...just because she is trying to run from you, does not mean that is how it will be a year from now or three years from now. Three years ago, my wife ran. But I had boxed her in so well, that when she ran, she left with only what I allowed. Thus, once she ran and got to her new "safe place" with the OM...she began to look around and not see her home, not see her kids, not see her husband. She began to see what she was about to lose.

That constantly tugged at her. It caused HUGE problems in their relationship. So much so, she was told by the OM at one point that he didnt want to hear any more about me...and that she should just get on with the divorce. This from a guy that supposedly was a great listener. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> This, she saw a side of him, one where he didnt care what she was going thru...just about his discomfort.

You can do this. Yes, she starts off in a better position than you since does not have a Y chromosome and the fact that she has been a SAHM and your daughter is young. Tose ARE impediments. But wht did you expect...it to be handed to you on a platter? I had to work hard. I had to write in my journal when I didnt feel like it. I had to go out and get more intel, or do more things, even when I was ready to just give up. I had my wife two weeks before the custody hearing tell me "I (WW) am under no illusion that you are going to get custody." Two weeks later, she realized what illusion she was living under. But do you think I had doubts? Do you think that my attorney, even with everything I had done to get him a good case, told me that it was still an uphill battle? Of course I was scared. Of course at times I was ready to give up. But all it took was one look in those kids' eyes to recenter me and keep going.

And I have saved the best for last here, Gramn. The reason you will be successful will be if you bend your knee and become TOTALLY dependent on Jesus. You see, we KNOW He isnt with those two. We KNOW He is for your family. Always remember...Jesus + you is a majority. So, when you doubt...ask yourself "How big is my God?" Bigger than the OM? Bigger than the judge?

You know, I would have loved to tape the hearing. Because even my attorney was amazed. Before we went in, my pastor and a good Christian friend of mine had shown up to pray with me. My wife and her attorney were late. So, we sat in the hall and we prayed. My attorney walks down the hall, and I introduce him to my friend and the pastor. Immediately, my friend tells my attorney "Can you stand with us? I would like to pray for you." You could see my attorney was a little uneasy with this right in the middle of the hall where dozens of people were walking by, including his peers. But he did it.

As the hearing went on, you could almost see my wife's attorney being touched by God. How she would forget things...how she would stammer and get frustrated. She asked several times for a minute from the judge so she could go over her notes. It was like there had been planted confusion in her mind. But that was EXACTLY what we had prayed for. For clarity for my attorney and the judge...and for confusion on my wife's side. We asked for EXACTLY that...and we got EXACTLY that. After the hearing we went to my attorney's office. The other attorney in his practice walked in and asked how things went. My attorney said "I have never seen Polly that messed up. She is a good attorney. She seemed confused. As far as I am concerned, she was trying the wrong case. I dont know what happened to her" My attorney looked over at me when he said that and I just winked. We both knew what had happened in there, even though he couldnt tell that to his partner.

I watched Jesus work everything in that room, from her attorney, to my attorney, to my wife, to the judge...for my good. For my childrens' good. For even my wife's good. A few years ago, I would have been in shock at what I witnessed there. But no more. I have seen His hand so actively on my life, that to doubt anymore would be sheer folly. It would be like sitting around at 3am doubting the sun will come up. I have seen too many "sunrises" over the last three years to know what the truth is.

So, this long diatribe is meant to let you know that if you get close to Jesus...if you get to the point where I am...that I remain "In His arms"...then you will see some amazing things happen.

One other quick note about your daughter. She is your daughter. But she also belongs to someone else. She belongs to Jesus. You were given the privilege of bringing that little girl up. Of being her Dad. So I ask you...as someone asked of me when I was worried about the outcome of the custody hearing...do you think you love your daughter more than God loves her? Do you think you can do better for her than He can? To not to trust Him with your daughter is to think that you are a better father, provider, care giver, etc than Jesus is. Think about that.

If you are next to Jesus, He will show you the way. And then you can ask for things like we did in that courtroom...and watch Him work on your behalf. When that happens, your wife and the OM have no chance of succeeding in the end. Even if she gets temporary custody...even if she makes it to a divorce. In the end, God will not be mocked. And He will look out for those who love Him and follow His commands.

Gramn, I cannot say it more urgently enough...this battle is fought from your knees. Do not stand up, do not try to take control, do not doubt. Everytime you get the urge to do so...you get right there on your knees and you tell Him straight out how you feel. And you ask in His Son's name for wisdom, strength...ask for the things that were asked in Psalm 25 (when I went into court, a friend of mine had printed and put Psalm 25 in a picture frame...I over and over read it and prayed over it).

You think you are alone? You are not! I tried to stay on my knees. Even with all of the support, even though I was witnessing God moving thru that courtroom...when the judge started reading out his verdict, I started to write over and over again the word "no" on my paper in front of me. What I was saying was "I'm not going to get custody. She is going to get custody and my kids will end up around the OM...etc." As he got thru the preliminaries of his verdict, I heard in my mind a soft voice which asked "Do you trust me?" I looked down at my pad and saw that "no" and realized that at the moment of truth...at the heat of the battle, this soldier was ready to run. I looked up at the judge as he began I looked back down at that pad and began scratching crazily thru that "no" trying to cover it up...to destroy it. I did this as I said in my mind two words..."Your will." As soon as the word "will" crossed my mind, the judge finished his statement...
That thirty seconds seems like it went on for hours. so much happened between God and I in that moment. So many changes. I walked out of that courtroom a changed man. You remember the accounts of Moses when he went up on the mountain and met with God. And when he walked back down, his feature, his haird, etc had changed. Well, that was me. I walked out of that office with a different feeling, a different man.

Gramn, this trial is not about your wife. This trial is about YOU!! God is going to use this trial in order to make you a better man, if you will follow Him. Yes, this is a test. He wants to know "do you trust Me?"

Life's battles are fought on your knees.

In His arms.

Dont say this!! Say: "I am not moving out. This is my family, this is our home. I love you and our daughter." Do not pass the buck. Yo uare the head of that household. It is your decision, not your attorney's.

And this will continue for awhile. Get used to it. But guess what? Even though she didnt say anything, a deposit was still made. Withdrawals, she will throw in your face. Deposits she will say nothing. You will have to try to be perfect. She will always find something, so dont worry about being perfect. Just strive to get better. If she complains about something, jsut apologize (if you were wrong), fix it...and dont let it happen again. This is all par for the course.

It would allow her to stay and to keep your child. My wife's is financial support. Her number one need. It was a flood two years before the affair and the financial disaster that came after that, which pushed her over the edge. So when I left for Bosnia on a 7 month deployment in September 2001, she was ripe for some predator to come along. Unfortunately, Gramn...your wife, as mine did with my military career, is probably going to cost you this job. Or you will take it, and she will get everything she is trying to get ready now. If I had stayed three years longer, I would have been promoted to sergeant major, and I would be receiving a retirement check immediately for over $3000 a month! Instead, because I retired early, I am goign to get an $1800 a month retirement check once I turn 60. This thing not only got me out of the career I love...but has cost us A LOT of money. My wife for the longest time said I was foolish for giving that up, and that it just shows that she was right about the fact that she could trust OM (that was the big draw with the OM...he didnt have a lot of money...just was very good with it) but couldnt trust me financially. She is beginning to think differently of that now, since she now can see that I had no choice if I was going to fight for her and for our family.

MM-

I have to agree about where this battlefield is really fought. When my wife's EA came out, and I was FIGHTING to keep my family and marriage together, there was ONE thing that I know truly was the reason my marriage and family was saved.

I prayed to God...and asked him to work out His will in this situation. I didn't ask Him to make her stay, I didn't ask for Him to do anything more than to work His will in our situation, and to give ALL of us (to include OM) the vision to see His will, and the strength and knowledge to help it to happen.

I KNEW God answered my prayers that Friday morning when I drove out to my wife's motel room. I KNEW He told me to go, and what to say. And when she didn't get on the plane, I KNEW that He was working His will...and now we're recovering nicely!

Gramn- Hang in there friend. You CAN make it through this, even when it seems hopeless. If you don't have the strength to make it, then ASK for that strength! You WILL get it.

-If I loose that job, it's not a big thing. I wouldn't want it anyway without them... I'll probably have to turn it down if I do get offered it.

Thanks for all of the encouragment. I don't know how you people can type such powerful messages. Even if you don't always think I'm listening, I am. I have been praying (but probably not enough.)
But overall, I have been trying now to look at this in a broader sense of what I can do for my daughter and family, than what I can do to get my wife back. Whether she ever comes to her senses or not, this is the right thing to do.

I'm working on the Y letter now. Hopefully that can be the end of the "revealing" round...

That is exactly how you have to look at it. You cant control what she does but you are in control of your actions. Agree with MM and tell her you are not leaving. no need to use the lawyer as a scapegoat.

See how you like this letter:
----------------------------------------------
To NAME

I am shocked and appalled at what I have discovered has been taking place at the Y located at XXXXXXX in XXXXXXXXXX, Ohio.

Recently, I discovered that my wife WW, a member of that Y, is having an affair with the CEO, YGUY.

I was told several days ago that YGUY & his wife announced that they are separating. This is due to my exposure of the affair on Monday (6-13-05), which had been taking place for some time before this recent decision to leave their marriage. This in no way constitutes a reason for YGUY to continue his illicit relationship with my wife.

I expect you to formally reprimand YGUY and order him to have no further contact with my wife or to consider terminating his employment.

I was under the impression that the YMCA was a Christian-based establishment and that your employees had that standard to uphold. Their mission is to "Build strong kids, STRONG FAMILIES, and Strong communities. I dont think YGUY upheld that mission very well. I have been paying for my wife's membership for over a year, spending over $800 in dues, classes, child care and court costs, and had been considering a membership for myself. I cannot explain the disappointment I am feeling at seeing how wrong I was.

I wish this matter investigated and resolved immediately to my satisfaction, and I ask that you contact me regarding this in the next week. Thank you.

Sincerely,
---------------------------------
Ideas for improvements?

Improvements? Only one...send it!

In His arms.

Awesome but get his name out of there. You missed one.

I would not change a thing and give them a way to contact you without your wife knowing. Send it to the national address I gave you in Chicago. I may call and see if they have a better address to send a complaint to.

Send it to the state chapter, the county chapter, and just for fun send it to him. A day or two later of course.

Follow up with them if you do not get a response and threaten to go to the local media. Hey not really news worthy but on a slow day the media has nothing better to do than expose a fraud within a charitable organization. Consult your attorney prior to do any of that though.

Send the letters certified so you KNOW they got it.

This will get their attention.

Good stuff Feeling Groovy!!

Gramn, you might want to edit the previous post. I see YGUY's name.

You are doing GREAT! I wish I had MM advising me during my xW's affair. You are very fortunate, Gramn.

This is going by the book, and we know the ending!

Regards

I fixed the name.


I've been looking but can't find any info on this:

state chapter (Ohio)
county chapter (Richland)

Do you know where I could get those addresses?

OK, this is wierd... I get a phone call from OMW about emails to the Y. Something about me contacting a church in oregon saying that YGUY is not a good christian leader. WTF??

I hope none of you have taken upon yourselves to interfere in my behalf. I hope he's just a liar...

Gramn,

Found this on the Y website. Slow Friday at work!

Who do I contact if I have a concern about my Y?
If you have a concern about your YMCA, please contact your YMCA directly. If you know a volunteer or staff member at the YMCA, share your concern with him or her. If you would like to pursue the issue further, we recommend you contact your YMCA's executive director or chair of the board to talk about the matter. He or she will be willing to listen to your thoughts. Or you could write a letter directly to the chair of your local YMCA board because the board oversees the YMCA. If you are complaining about something at your YMCA, it's helpful if you offer a solution.

Well I guess that is out of the question cause I know the problem you would have doing the above.

I also found this which is what the USA organization does.

About the YMCA of the USA

Because all communities have different needs, all YMCAs are different; they are autonomous and separate from the YMCA of the USA. They are required by the national constitution to pay annual dues, to refrain from discrimination and to support the YMCA mission. All other decisions are local choices, including programs offered, staffing and style of operation.

Now it says their goal is to ensure the local chapters follow the mission. I dont think that happend in this case.

Also here is a link to all of the national board of directors. Some really powerful names. No addresses but they are public figures so you should be able to get them. I would think the good Reverend Schuller would have something to say about this.

http://www.ymca.net/about/cont/board.htm

http://www.ymca.net/about/cont/counselors.htm

http://www.ymca.net/about/cont/council.htm

I would assume you can write each person in the national counsil at a minimum. My guess is they are located at the head offices in Chicago. Write the other heads of the Y's in your community as well a few days later.

No this is your battle. I hope no one would do that. It would do more harm than good. Everyone here is aware of that.

Just relax I am sure he is just freaking out that you are going to do something. OMW is freaking that you are going to do something as well. You are but not contacting a church saying he is a bad christian. You are just expressing your concern that one of the organizations leaders is not promoting the mission of the Y. SUPPORTING FAMILIES.