Oh yes.....they all think that the BS is the devil incarnate.....otherwise they couldn't justify their illicit activities, hence Plan A.....you're being nice, fulfilling her emotional needs....it makes it quite hard to justify what's going on.

You've exposed the affair, so the pressure is on both of them. The affair was supposed to be *fun*, *dangerous*, *secret*.......well now it's no secret.....and soon it's gonna be a whole hell of a lot less fun.

You need to get busy with the business of making returning to the marriage a viable and beneficial alternative to the affair.

Being nice to your WW, and trying to fulfill her EN's is going to completely confuse her, after all she's done these horrible things, and here you are being wonderful......she'll soon not know what she wants (BTW, sometimes they get very angry at this confusion, and she'll lash out at you....but you're not gonna get ruffled, you're just gonna roll with it and keep being wonderful). After she was SO SURE that Y-Guy was what she wanted, now her affair is out in the open, Y-Guy is stressed, their conversations aren't going to be all sunshine & flowers anymore, you're being so nice, and so accomodating.....just when she had you pegged as a complete a-hole......confusing stuff for a WW, and that's what you're going for.

Let the battle begin <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />



-Caren

Well, in Caren's case, this might be true! **snort** <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

HEY!!! I resemble that remark LMAO

-Caren

p.s. Mel, we are the weekend warriors, aren't we?? LMAO

Caren & Mel, now posting 7 days a week!

-I understand the strategy, but I don't know if I'm doing anything worthwhile. LONG before any of this Affair stuff started, I read "His Needs, Her Needs" and started trying to meet the ENs. Since then, I have spent ridiculous amounts of time trying to please her, often to little effect. So, now I'm thinking, am I doing the wrong stuff? She is not helpful when it comes to this. She just says that I should "Know".

So, I can do the dishes and clean the house every day, and she says that she wants help with that, but if that is not one of her main concerns, then I'm just spinning my wheels...

Gramn - Hang in there, man. You may not feel like it, but you are doing so much better than the average MB'er. At your stage, I was still crying and shaking, a complete mess.

You are doing the right thing, saving your family.

Agreed Believer, I was a puddle at this juncture too.

Gramn, You seem to be doing fairly well, considering.

I know that this filling EN's business seems sorta futile, since you get zero encouragement and none of your own EN's filled....but keep plugging away.

Okay, so we'll consider you in Plan A now. Set a date that you can live with, for how long you will do plan A....this will at least put a time frame on it, so it doesn't feel like or last an eternity (The book says 6 months). If it hasn't broken up the affair in the predetermined time period, then it's Plan B. Look at it this way, if you do all these things, then you've done everything humanly possible to keep your family together and if it doesn't work you can go on with a clear conscience that you did all you could do.

I think that you have a very good chance of success...you seem to have your head on straight. (More than I could say for myself)

-Caren

P.S.- I can give mad advice on Plan A and snooping....I sucked at Plan B, so I wouldn't even attempt to advise anyone on that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Gramn

When the WS is in the fog, they are in complete Taker mode. Don't expect her Giver to even show up for quite some time. It's totally all about them and their selfish indulgence and sense of entitlement.

You need to be in the Giver mode, unconditionally, for the foreseeable future. It's not any one (or two or three) things you do, it's the cumulative total that makes a difference. Your goodness and love will make her more doubtful that the "love" for OM is any more than a pipe dream.

It's horribly draining, and takes immense concentration and focus to do all of this. But when she realizes what she's done has caused you incredible pain and suffering, she will also remember all the good you've done, and wonder how you did it.

You are on the right track. Don't doubt your actions or your emotions right now, because you have great guidance from the forums, and all of us felt the same way you do.

Stay busy, don't obsess over this, and take it in stride as best you can. You will be a stronger, wiser man for having been through this.

Best wishes,
SD

Although my letters are all ready to mail, I've been having doubts about the "Mail the OM's Bosses" plan, but couldn't articulate why until Today...

Today, a buddy and I watched the new Batman movie. (It's very good) Anyway, at some point they talk about "crossing the line from Justice to Revenge". And though it sounds hoaky, I think that is why I have a problem mailing this guy's bosses. It might do me good, but at what cost? Sure, wouldn't shed a tear if this guy was DEAD, but I don't want to stoop to his level even if it might get him fired...

Still not sure what I think about this...

He is no innocent victim...he new she was married. Do it.

Gramm, there is a huge difference between an act of revenge and exposing bad behavior to folks who have right to know. If the OM loses his job, it won't be because of you, it will be due to his own behavior. You will be doing the Y a huge favor by alerting them about this situation. This is the kind of thing that can bring on lawsuits and they can deal with this better if they have the facts. Don't get cold feet, you are doing the right thing.

Gramn -

I heard some guy on a talk show bragging about how many married women he had affairs with. He was a personal trainer. He got a big rush out of thinking how the husband was working away - paying for the trainer to have an A with his wife. Yuck.

Please send the letter. Whatever happens is his fault.

Gramn,

I agree, this is not stooping to his level.....believe me I've stooped to the OW and WH's level, and this isn't it.

Write the letter, so no other family has to be touched by this creep.

-Caren

Dr. Harley says some of the things you must do to save your marriage are counterintuitive. This is one of them.

Think Nike. Just Do It.

SD

Hi All, The weekend was uneventful.



I took the Baby to see my parents for father's day, while Wife stayed home and moved most of her clothes out of our room into the guest room...

She says that many of her friends didn't return her calls, and is distraught. I said "Did you thing you could just go out with Tom & Sue, and Bill & Cindy like normal, and have me REPLACED by YGUY? It's not that simple!"

I told her, I don't want you to see him, but if you are going to, TELL ME rather than keep going on with all of the lies. So she said that she didn't get to see OM over the weekend, although she wants to meet with him after she gets off of work tonight.

Gramm, sounds like you are doing great. What is the status with the OMW? Is she going to stay with him? I would touch base with her and stay on top of this so you can compare notes.

I would also get that letter off to the top echelon of the Y ASAP. Start squeezing this jerk before he regroups and catches his breath. I am concerned that he might pre-empt you and by doing that, he will have disarmed you.

I would also suggest avoiding remarks like this. Look for opportunities to fill her lovebank by being supportive. Instead of saying "I told you so!" say something like "I'm really sorry your friends are avoiding you." And pat her on the back. Look for opportunities to be kind when you can. That doesn't mean you don't avoid telling her tough things when necessary, though.

See, if you say "I told you so" it just makes her defensive and if she is busy defending herself she can't be considering that her actions are alienating her friends. See what I mean?

So, try and find opportunities to reach out to her.

I know what you're saying Melody. you're right. It's VERY hard though when she says nothing but totally negative stuff...

Gramn - I was like you. It was VERY hard. It helped me to think of my WH as a whacked out heroin addict. When I stopped expecting rational behavior from him, it was much easier to talk to him.

I was reading your state's D stuff, and it looks like one party can ask for a 90 day period of counseling. Ask the attorney about that. I think you will be able to slow the D down, if your wife should initiate it.

The most critical thing for you right now is getting rid of OM. Send that letter. Get him in the habit of expecting an incoming rocket every couple of days.

I decided to show the letter to my Lawyer tomorrow. If he is OK with it, I'll send it tomorrow morning.

I know it is! Just remember, though, that when you react negatively, it only hurts your position. Seriously. Because it helps her demonize you and puts her on the defensive. You don't want her on the defensive, Gramm. Because when she is busy defending herself, she is diverted from the truth of her actions.

Why are you showing the lawyer the letter to the Y?

To get his legal advice. I want to make sure that I can't get sued for it or whatever.