What has happened to the OMW? Has she moved out? Are you in contact with her?

I have not contacted her lately. Do you think I should just "check in"? It seems to me that OM was with my Wife and their friends for most of the weekend. What a good dad he is...

Yeah Gramn....check in with the OM's W....find out what's going on there.

All the reactions you are getting from your wife are completely par for the course, nothing remotely unique there....that's how they act.

It really is as though they've been abducted by aliens, so don't believe ANYTHING she says to you.

I am SOOO Glad you are documenting all this, she is NOT being a very responsible mother, which is also par for the course......she's too wrapped up in the Affair.

Gramn...........SEND THAT LETTER TO THE Y!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Create as much trouble for that affair as humanly possible.......JUST DO IT.

You are doing great with your daughter.

Are you filling those EN's?????

I know it feels wrong, and it's VERY draining to know that your wife is with some other guy, and you have to be nice to her when you really just want to scream at the top of your lungs "WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!!!", but trust us on this one.......just be the wonderful Gramn that we know you are......it's gonna confuse her, I think it's already confusing her.

-Caren

Wife accused me of turning the baby against her and YGuy.
Baby reacted strangely to her when she woke up from a nap or something.
Apparently daughter has been looking at YGuy strangely lately. (She's a smart kid!) I would prefer that she never see this A$$.

COME ON! How could I turn a 2 yr old against her mother? Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. And I never say anything bad about her mom, (not that WW believes that...)
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Yesterday, Wife finally came home when Daughter and I were there. She says that she now hates our house (Which she spent big effort and money decorating) and that it is "poisoned" to her. She was all crying every time she even saw me and left on several little trips to just get away from me and the place.

Meanwhile:
I cleaned and vaccumed
I played with the baby
I worked on a freelance assignment
I made her chicken on the grill w broccoli and rice (which she didn't eat)
------------------
later that night when we were sleeping, baby started whining and Wife brought her into her bed because she misses the baby. Later, baby kept calling "Daddy Daddy" so I had to go bring her over to my bed... Maybe all of this will make Wife doubt her actions... Not likely...

So Gramn...give us an update on the weekend? Where do things stand?

From what I read, your WW is in full entitlement swing, trying to bully you into helping her be with OM and ending the marriage. Just as most of us told you.

This is the next phase after exposure (which you still havent completed, by the way). Do not help her ONE bit>

On her assertion that next weekend is her weekend with your daughter...do not normalize her behavior. EVERY weekend is her weekend with your daughter, just as EVERY weekend is your weekend. You are marriaed and are a family. So, next weekend...plan on some things for you to do as a family. Plan on a day at the zoo with you, WW and daughter. Tell your wife of the plans.

Now, she will not want to go with those plans. She will scream "MY weekend, MY weekend, MY weekend" like a 14 year old girl that cant go visit her new boyfriend. Dont you play along!! You tell her "Hey, we can go as a family or the rest of the family will go...if you do not want to go."

Make plans, Gramn. Fill the days and evenings with plans for your family. Is your daughter due for a check-up with the doctor or dentist? Then make that appointment. And take her. First thing...if she is due, it is good for your daughter. Second, by you taking her, your daughter continues to see who the stable one is in her life. And third, you hit another double when it comes to showing who is the stable and responsible parent.

And that is just one example. Do you see? While you are waiting on her to come out of the fog...you arent waiting. Does that make any sense? You are doing the things that will first, help your daughter and family. Second, will help you in court if it comes to that. And third, deep down inside her foggy mind, she will love and respect a guy that stands up and takes care of her daughter. Believe me...I know.

My wife HATED the fact I had the kids. But she went along with it because it allowed her to feed her addiction to OM. She felt powerless to stop me as I did EVERYTHING for the kids. As the kids went to me for everything.

My daughter just turned 11. Three years ago, while my wife was living in her one bedroom apartment and doing her thing with the OM...my daughter came in wanting to know about the "birds and the bees." Well, I had already gone into all that the year before with our oldest, so I was somewhat prepared. But being the typical man, I was scared to death to have that conversation with my daughter (I know...big infantry guy...big wimp with his daughter!!!). Anyway, my wife and I had always discussed that I would take care of those issues with the two boys...and she would take care of them with our daughter.

Well, my daughter asked. I told her that we would discuss it over the weekend. I then called WW and told her what was asked, and told her I had one of her medical books I was going to use...and that I was going to have the discussion with her on Saturday. I knew her schedule and knew she wasnt working that Saturday, so I invited her over (even though I was in Plan B) so she could be there for this important time in our daughter's life. She said "No, I am going to do it." I told her no...that considering the immoral sexual relationship she was having (and daughter knew about), that she wasnt in a very good position to be teaching on the moral and social parts of sex. Of course, daughter knew her mother was in adultery...and knew that was wrong. And once we had this conversation, she would know EXACTLY what her mother was doing with the OM. Not that I was going to say "this is what your Mom is doing with the Troll at night." But my daughter would be able to put two and two together.

Guess what happened? She refused to show up (come to find out, she had made plans to go out with friends and OM). So, I got out the medical books so I could teach the biological part...got out the Bible to teach the spiritual part...and I sucked it up and told that girl what's-what.

I documented all of this. Now, when it came to to go to court for custody...who do you think looked like the responsible parent in all of that?? Of course, I did!! Did I know in advance that she wouldnt come? Sure. Not because she couldnt come...but because the affair was making her do all sorts of silly and destructive things. But did I protect her from the consequences of this behavior? Absolutely not. And in the end, that (and other events just like it) proved to push everything in my favor legally.

And do not forget...who do you think that little girl will come to in the future about these things? Right to her Daddy...because she knows that I am the Rock! (although sometimes a shaking rock when it comes to taking care of aliens called women!).

My daughter should have had a mother that had done that. But her mother was in no position to do that due to her actions and immoral behavior. Due to her putting being with OM before being there that evening in order to discuss this very important subject with our daughter.

Anyway Gramn...I think you get my point. You need to be in Plan A and meeting needs. But at the same time, you should be moving into overdrive in providing for your daughter...and even allowing your wife to slowly give up her day-to-day role in her daughter's life.

You know how we men get out of work at home? We just screw it up enough that our wives just say "never mind" and they do it themselves (not condoning this ladies...just saying it happens!)? Well ,that is kinda what is going to happen for you. You will be there taking care of your daughter. You will have made the docotr's appointment and tell your wife that you are taking her (and she is welcome to come). But she will begin using those opportunities (just like this last weekend) of not having to have your daughter, in order to act like an 18 year old in heat. And so, she will grumble. But she will let you do these things...as she fills that time with more entitlement for her.

What she wont notice is that she will be slowly giving away custody to you. Slowly becoming secondary in your daughter's life. Not due to your actions...but due to her inaction and behavior.

Gotta have a plan, my friend. Every day should be scheduled and calculated. Calculated in order to meet her needs. Calculated in order to take care of your daughter. And calculated in order for you to continue to shore up your position legally. EVERYDAY!!

It will be tiresome. You will want to quit sometimes. You see, your WW isnt willing to fight. She wants you to give in (a big difference there). If you dont give in, but show her that she isnt trapped and she can run if she likes (not with your daugher or family goods/finances), she will run! She will justify it as "I will establish a place for me and daughter and then I will come back and get her."

TOO LATE WHEN SHE DOES!! By the time she comes back to try to claim daughter...you have established yourself as her primary caregiver. And she will have established herself as willing to put her sexual needs before the needs of her child. The judge will hammer her.

So, what is your plan? You havent finish the first plan which was exposure. And the last week or so, you have been playing reactionary to your wife's activities and demands.

Time for you to dictate which way this goes now. She is not going to like it, Gramn. Count on that. But who cares if she likes it? She is in an affair and trying to destroy your family. Her point-of-view really doesnt count right now.

So, what's your plan? What things are you gonna do this week that will further lock in your position...and further force your wife into the consequences of her actions? While at the same time, trying to meet needs and show her that some of the things she didnt like in the past have been fixed?

In His arms.

I think most of us with young kids can relate. When I got the "not in love" speach my wife left for the weekend and was bringing the kids with with her to her parents. About 20 minutes in to her 4 hour drive my 8 year old wanted to be with her daddy. So she had to turn around. It was unfortunate but she had heard us discussing things and my wife telling me that it was over and she didnt want to try.

I think that single act alone made me realize why I was going to fight the good fight and get to the truth. My daughter saw the amount of pain I was in and wanted to be with me. She has ALWAYS been attached to her mother. This really tore at my wifes heartstrings and although at the time she decided she could have both the affair and our marriage I think the guilt began to sink in and the reality of her actions started getting at her.

You never want to use children as pawns and play them against each other. They are innocents in this mess and the ones who will suffer the most. But I do think they can see what is going on and will tend to side with the family.

Consider it a good sign that your daughter is reaching out for you!

Also, make a copy of those medical files and document the fact that you two have not had sex in xxx months. Will be interesting reading for the judge!! The fact she is having unprotected sex, while married, while her daughter is at home.

Gramm, she should not be exposed to YGUY AT ALL! Your daughter should never be involved with your wife's affair. Often the WS uses the child in order to normalize their sleazy affair to add an undeserved air of respectibility. Don't allow her to use your daughter in this way. You have to draw a line when it comes to your D, Gramm. Don't let her be dragged into your w's sleazy affair. You are the only sane adult in her life right now and it will be up to you, as her father, to protect her.

Melody is right. Draw the line. I refused to allow my wife to take the kids anywhere near OM. My wife met OM at the gym (sound familiar?). She would take the youngest to the daycare there and work out with him there. NO WAY!! Once there was an affair, I came down hard. I didnt threaten. I jsut told her that if those kids came in any type of contact with the Troll, that I would seek immediate and primary custody of the kids...and would seek supervised visitation for her. I told her that no matter what happens, we will work things out for the best interests of the kids. But, one thing would be non-negotiable and that would be contact with my kids by the Troll. Be adament about it. Act like it is a done deal (it isn't...be she doesnt know that! Remember what I said about bluffing? Make her think you have a pair of aces). You arent lying, because if she does do it...then you do seek the custody hearing. But, even though you act like everythign is assured, you know that anything could happen in court. But a lot of times, she doesnt know that. How do I know? Well ,first this is the way it worked with my WW. Second, look at your wife? She wants you to help her end things, sell the house, etc. Why? Because she knows she is in a very precarious position legally and financially. And she doesnt knwo the full truth either. She hopes to get everything based on you helping her. If you make this demand (and it isnt an LB because it isnt a selfish demand), she will most likely go along with it thinking "well, once I'm out and have custody of daughter...then he wont be able to stop me and OM fro mbeign around daughter." So, she will acquiesce to your demand.

One more thing on that. Guess what that wil ldo when you get to court? Your attorney can say "well, my client stated that he didnt want their daughter around OM while they were still married...sending conflicting signals to their daughter on what is appropriate." Her attorney: "There was nothign wrong with daughter being around OM in a social setting (gym, restaurant, etc)." Judge: "Well, if there was nothing wrong with it, Mr.s Gramn...then why did you acquiesce to your husband's conditions?" She will be caught in her own trap.

So make it stop!

She is pulling away from her mom because she realizes you are the stable one. She realizes, on a base level...that somethign isnt right with her mom. My kids did the same. She can make all of the accusations she likes...put as long as there is no proof of you trying to turn her away from her mom (and you should never try to do that), then you have nothing to worry about there.

Wife said the same thing with ours. Fog talk. Justification. She is trying to convince herself of the justness of what she is doing. The problem is...it all rings hollow deep down. It isnt comfortable i nthe fog!.

Again, not fun in the fog. She is addicted and wants to get her fix fulltime. This is GOOD Gramn! I know you dont like it...but it means that she is getting to the point where whe will do ANYTHING to be with him. And that is the beginnign of the end of their relationship. She will make some HUGE mistakes in order to do that. And she will drop everything on him. As I said before, OM had to listen to my wife cry about how I wouldnt go along with the divorce. He had to listen to my wife whine about how she missed her kids, and that they were turning from her. Know what he finally said one day? That she needs to get on with it...that he didnt want to hear about me anymore. And with that...he had just put the firts nail in the coffin of that relationship.

Awesome!! Document, document, document.

Steve Harley stated that these exact things would go on with my kids. And that it was my marriage's sngle greatest asset. That was why it was VERY important for my kids...and for my marriage...that I maintained custody of the kids. Even when we were living under the same roof.

In His arms.

MY WS brought OW around my little ones. My oldest is 2 and she relates to everything as a family. Example, 4 bears: That's the Daddy bear, that's the Mommy bear, that's me, and that's the baby.

Anyway, I realized that she called the OW mom. I was definately Mommy and Daddy was definately Daddy. I know the word mom has a different meaning for her now, but I'm working on that.

I guess my point is, I like Mortman's idea. If I had known that H was playing happy family with our children and OW...

Thanks for the comments guys.

I have already tried to establish that she is not taking my daughter away, and that having ANY contact between my daughter and YGuy is unacceptable. Wife says "You will just have to accept that YGuy will be part of your daughter's life." BUT, what the heck can I do? Wife is a SAHM. If she goes to the Y, she takes my daughter there and sees this A$$ sometimes.

What the heck can I do about it? I guess I could start the divorce proceedings and hope for the best, but I am worried that I don't have enough evidence against her yet. (relating to being a mom) I know that MM and other dads have won custody, but the the issue of the childs age is a big one (at least in this state). MY attorney said that lots of dads are getting custody now, but not in cases dealing with very young children.

I am trying my best to cement my relationship with my daughter, (which was already pretty good) But I don't think the courts would take the word of a 2 yr old when it comes to custody. So, for now, I have to keep documenting whatever my wife is doing wrong.

ALSO, I'm going to call OMW in a few minutes and see what she knows.

Hmmmmmmmmm ""So, what is your plan? You havent finish the first plan which was exposure."" As I see it, you are trying to snap your wife back to reality while at the same time preparing a strong case for custody if this doesn't happen. In either situation, FULL EXPOSURE, would have benificial affects....... Have you reconsidered your stance on fully exposing this affair.

I have exposed to everyone except OM's bosses.

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I just talked to OMW. OM has moved out of their house and moved in with "some guy". She is hoping that they can get a dissolution, but not sure.
She and her kids will be away on a trip all next week. (I guess I'll have to be extra watchful next week)

Unfortunately, OMW is every OW's (your WW)dream. Your WW wants you to be like his wife. Practically speaking, she certainly won't find financial security with him. He did not make a smart move from a legal point of view. He will owe spousal support plus lots of child support. He probably won't mind losing his job. Then he would have an excuse not to support her. At least, that's true in my state. That is a logistical reason not to expose to the Board.

Yeah, this thing with the board is complicated. She doens't seem to be doing anything to effect his plans though, unfortunatley.

Yet! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Well, I finally found out that I did not get that job opportunity in Chicago. That is no big deal, but now she is ready to file.

She tried to get me to agree to a dissolution. (It is much cheaper) but I didn't. Not with whatever terms that she would want.

Because I wouldnt agree to the dissolution, she threatens that she will go for "Full Custody!"

Then she tried to get in my face and make me decide right away if we would sell the house, or if I wanted to buy her out. I told her that I was not deciding that now. THat further pissed her off.

Then she threw a glass across the kitchen shattering it all over. If that wasn't bad enough, our daughter walked on some of the glass while she was cleaning it up. (Luckilly I picked her up quickly and she is unhurt)

Steady as you go ... she's going to go nutz .... don't go with her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Pep

Let her know you have something in common then, you will also be seeking full custody since she is having an affair and exposing your baby to her affair partner. I wonder how the judge will respond to a 2 yr old being dragged into a sleazy affair? Tell her this and then SMILE. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Tell her you have no intention of selling your home, you plan on living there for a long time. SMILE.

Gramm, expose this affair to the board!